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Internet Oracularities #1548

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1548, 1548-01, 1548-02, 1548-03, 1548-04, 1548-05, 1548-06, 1548-07, 1548-08, 1548-09, 1548-10


Internet Oracularities #1548    (18 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2015 09:43:04 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1548
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1548  18 votes 12474 07533 13c20 05a12 57411 03825 04545 56700 24732 13752
1548  3.0 mean  3.6   3.1   2.8   3.0   2.2   3.5   3.6   2.1   2.9   3.2


1548-01    (12474 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I admit it.  I am totally lost and confused.  All did was head
> down the street, and now everything is like a total blur.  I turned
> around to get back to my room, and the city became a pasture.  How am
> I supposed to deal with this?  What happened to me?  Help!  Wait a
> minute, if I'm still heading down the street, how am I typing the
> message?  This is impossi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* I do wish you'd make proper use of the Manual. It explains all
} of this rather simply. All you have to do is walk straight into the
} pasture until you encounter Cornelius from Planet of the Apes sitting
} down to tea. On the table is a vase of daffodils. Ask him for one. He
} will give you one, and when you get up from the table (and do make sure
} you've finished your tea first), the pasture will turn into the lobby
} of the Badrutt's Palace Hotel in Zurich. Walk over to the check-in
} counter and tell the clerk you've never had a social disease (even if
} you have). He will jump up and down saying "WHOOP-WHOOP!" On the 125th
} "WHOOP" slap him right in the face. Run screaming out of the hotel and
} you will see a very befuddled looking robot holding a silver tea tray
} with a cream-colored envelope addressed to you. Tip the robot (a
} minimum of one dollar U.S. currency) and take the envelope. Inside you
} will find an autographed picture of William Shatner and a train-station
} locker key with the number 7429 on it. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! IT MUST
} BE WILLIAM SHATNER AND NOT BELLA ABZUG OR ELSE YOU WILL HAVE TO START
} OVER!!! Walk back into the Hotel, the interior of which will now have
} turned into an unimaginably huge train station. Find locker #7429. This
} may take you some time. All those train conductors and porters that
} look like Gumby? They won't tell you where it is unless you give them
} the autographed picture of Shatner. However, you're going to need that
} later for a very important physical examination, so don't give it to
} anyone! Once you have found locker 7429, use the key to open it. Inside
} is a blue teddy bear. If it's purple instead of blue, just close the
} door and open it a few times until it's blue. Take the blue teddy bear
} and begin walking in any direction until you see a little girl who's
} crying. Give her the teddy bear. She will stop crying, smile and say,
} "Right this way!" She will lead you into a waiting room with several
} patients reading old magazines and Barry Manilow music piped in over
} small loudspeakers. Sit down. There will be several magazines. Make
} sure you ONLY pick up the January 17, 1979 issue of "Family Circle".
} Once you get to the brownie recipe and the scratch-n-sniff ad for
} Chanel No. 562 (don't bother to sniff. Too old), a doctor in a white
} coat, coke-bottle glasses, and very heavy German accent will come and
} get you. In the examination room, he will bend you over, put on a
} rubber glove and, unless you're very keen on rectal examinations, hand
} him the autographed picture of William Shatner. The blurryness will
} return for a second, you'll find yourself back on the street where you
} started, and a cab will stop in front of you. If the driver is David
} Johansen RUN LIKE HELL!!!! You want Julia Child, NOT David Johansen!!!
} I cannot stress that enough! If you accept a ride from David Johansen,
} the repercussions for your future career will be dire unless your name
} is Bill Murray or Bella Abzug!!!!


1548-02    (07533 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just got an email from a pizza place advertising "Big Game
> Specials." I didn't know that was allowed. Are they talking about
> elk pizza or bear pizza? Just what is going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You misunderstood. "Big game" refers to a game with players, like
} tiddlywinks or backgammon. The game your pizza people are using is
} chess, because it's sort of like cheese, only spelt differently. Their
} innovation is to use a round chessboard, approximately four feet in
} diameter. It is a big game, by the usual chess standards. Big pizza,
} too.
}
} You owe the Bear, who is actually not Catholic, some kosher pizza.
} (It's hard to find, but it is available in New York, of course.) The
} Pope, who is not in the woods right now, and who is already in Italy
} (more or less), and who really is Catholic, can go find his own pizza.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhetorical discussion of the Catholics versus the
} Jesuits, with respect to the Papacy and pizza.


1548-03    (13c20 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uh oh.  If that's you, then who is J. Featherstone Reagan III?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's the problem. There are two classes of important fictional
} characters: Those who bear the middle initial W, like Feengrobble W.
} Cuedropper (not to overlook or misunderestimate George W. Bush), and
} those with the initial initial of J. Among the latter are J. Random
} Supplicant (yourself), and J. Featherstone Reagan III. In his case the
} J is overpowered by the III, which gives him some sort of je ne sais
} quoi.
}
} Now I know you will be asking, "How can an overly omniscient oracle
} even pronounce the words 'je ne sais quoi' which bear the meaning of
} not knowing? In French, even?"
}
} It would be trite and incorrect of me to answer, "Je ne sais quoi."
} Besides, how could I possibly know whether or not you understand
} French? It's a rather mystifying language. Furthermore I would be
} insulting myself. So forget I ever said, "Je ne sais quoi." Because in
} truth I do know. That's the truth, and I swear it on this here photo of
} my Aunt Del's pharmaceutical dispensary. Be careful of that photo, the
} paper gives off funny fumes sometimes. I also took some more photos of
} the girls who help Aunt Del, "Auntie's Del-Phis" but the weren't
} developed.


1548-04    (05a12 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is an egg.  This is a frying pan.
>
> This is an egg frying in a frying pan.
>
> Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest supplicant,
}
} Is the pan non-stick or cast-iron?
}
} Is the egg free-range or organic?
}
} Was the feed for said chickens locally grown or imported from overseas?
}
} And, if there are chemically-pumped super chickens on the premises, is
} it the doing of Big Pharma or Big Farm?
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing short of one game of Scrabble.


1548-05    (57411 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #YouAreIt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #2Fab4U
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tweet.


1548-06    (03825 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correction fluid works!  The question is now correct!


1548-07    (04545 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ask you a lot of stupid questions, as most of the other supplicants
> probably do. Have you ever gotten any smart questions? Even just one?
> What was it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


1548-08    (56700 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just trying to fine-tune the apple vs. doctor stuff. You've been a
> great help. What I'm trying to do now is to encourage doctors who are
> rather like Tom Baker (the Scarf Doctor), but to avoid utterly anyone
> like Peter Davison, the odious Celery Doctor. I'm certain that
> particular varieties of apples will do the trick.
>
> I was thinking that certain old-fashioned American varieties, such as
> the Blue Pearmain or the Baldwin would be best, but I've not located a
> good source of supply. Additionally (and moreover) it's a bit hard to
> tell which will serve as repellents--the usual action--and which as
> attractors, and for which doctors.
>
> I'm so thankful for your extremely utmost Omniscience, which you wield
> much more precisely than your (admittedly) haphazard ZOT. Thank you for
> always pointing in the right direction. (I'm over here to your left.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Baldwin will keep musicians (except pianists) away, but has no
} effect on doctors. Blue Pearmain? You gotta be kidding. It's too close
} To Adam's Pearmain Apple and not even your Oracle will stoop to
} a pun that low. You could try Doctor Harvey or Doctor Matthews, but
} I wouldn't have much hope for those.  Dog's snout might work, if the
} particular doctor is afraid of dogs. Let's see...Lady in Red, Leather
} Coat, Wealthy, Pacific Beauty, Pink Princess would probably attract
} doctors.
}
} Let's face it. There are a lot of varieties of apples. It doesn't seem
} that any of them would repel doctors very well. Wait a minute, wait a
} minute. How about a Taylor apple?
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket to the CMA Awards.


1548-09    (24732 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is gawd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Gnu Awkward Daemon!
}
} That is the supplicant simulator I use to train new
} incarnations before letting them loose on real questions!
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code.


1548-10    (13752 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help.  Save me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm using emacs right now. ^x^s
}
} There, you are saved.
}
} Oh, you wanted help, too. That'll be ^ha, apropos what?
}
} Also, for a good time, use M-x display-time


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