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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:39:42 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1550

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1550, 1550-01, 1550-02, 1550-03, 1550-04, 1550-05, 1550-06, 1550-07, 1550-08, 1550-09, 1550-10


Internet Oracularities #1550    (18 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Mon, 23 Mar 2015 08:05:25 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1550
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1550  18 votes 25443 33840 42723 36810 35532 18621 14481 22662 41733 13842
1550  2.9 mean  3.1   2.7   2.9   2.4   2.8   2.7   3.2   3.2   3.0   3.2


1550-01    (25443 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many happy returns, I think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There will be 1040 returns this year.
}
} You owe the Oracle your refund, and a method for listing woodchucks as
} dependents.


1550-02    (33840 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, violent hammerer of Steins!
>
> I seem to have lost my copy of the lyrics to 'Lisa does Bloomington,
> the musical'.  Can you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I can't find my copy right now, even though I am sure that I know
} where it is. Instead see the attached copy of "Zadoc Does the Lambada".
}
} You will notice as you look through it that Zadoc seems to be mumbling
} about calculus instead of dancing. Apparently he thought it was going
} to be Lambda, as in a mathematical variable or function.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of instructions for using emacs lisp lambda
} expressions, as well as some underground shots of East Chicago,
} Indiana.


1550-03    (42723 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Don't believe everything you read on the internet just because it's
> attributed to some famous person."  --Abraham Lincoln

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "they don't call it the Net of a Million Lies for nothing" - JRR
} Tolkien.
}
} you owe the Oracle a copy of "Lord of the Rings", written by Stephenie
} Meyer.


1550-04    (36810 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, nothing asked, nothing answered, as usual.
}
} Seeing as I'm not going to answer this non-question, I might as well
} recite some Vogon poetry I found, about 45 years ago, in a book that
} was glued to the bottom of my car. I put it into a cast-iron book box
} so that it would not harm my shelves.
}
} Oh dear, I cannot find my book of Vogon poetry. Zadoc seems to have
} mistaken it for rubbish and tossed it out. There's a nasty stain in the
} back garden where I think it sank into the ground, burning the soil.
}
} Instead, I'll recommend that you read "The Tay Bridge Disaster" by
} Scottish poet William McGonagall. You really would have preferred th
} Vogon stuff, I'm sure.


1550-05    (35532 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got any sugar for me? The literal kind, I mean; I wanna bake cookies.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry. I got some sugar, but only for making buns in the oven.


1550-06    (18621 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Thank you, ladies.  And Suppy."  (Name obviously changed from Jim
> Harrison Thorpe, Jr., to protect privacy.)
>
> The actual comment (mostly) to a Facebook post.  Should I comment less
> on women's stuff, then?  Because that felt weird.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As host of Saturday Night Live, Betty White said, "And, now that I do
} know what Facebook is, I have to say... it sounds like a HUGE waste of
} time."
}
} All the time you spend on the internet should be productively wasted
} participating with the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle some questions. Start with "What do people who work
} at Facebook do to waste time at work?"


1550-07    (14481 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did people do before italics was invented?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They used latinics.


1550-08    (22662 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did people do before italics was invented?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lean.


1550-09    (41733 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that you get some totally insane questions, such as from the
> Riddle Troll or the Insane Guy.
>
> I've always wondered what those questions were. Care to share any with
> me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [If you have a short attention span, please meet me under the equals
} signs.]
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} Sure, the Riddle Troll once submitted:
}
} > If the Supreme Court all wore conical caps on their heads to indicate
} > their idiocy, would they be a famous Medieval philosopher?
} >
} > (hint: acronym)
} >
} > Difficulty 4/5
}
} Another time it was:
}
} > If the author of "The Raven" and "Annabel Lee" licked himself, then
} > would "The Raven" and "Annabel Lee" be substandard, amateurish pieces
} > of garbage?
} >
} > Difficulty: 5/5
} >
} > (hint: divide up the word differently, but you are probably too
} >  ignorant to get this anyway)
}
} Nice guy, isn't he?
}
} The Insane Guy seems to think he's holding a conversation with me or
} something, and once submitted:
}
} > Evolution is bullsh*t you stupid f***ing *sshole. Otherwise, throw a
} > bunch of rotting organic matter in a bottle, shake it around, let it
} > rot, and see if it can even evolve something as loathsome and debased
} > as you, you pile of dog sh*t. It won't happen, *sshole, I guarantee
} > it. So f*** you. There is no evoltion [sic], except for natural
} > selection, which is micro, not macro evolution.
}
} And he thinks I can influence real world events:
}
} > Oh please, you *sshole, do NOT ALLOW HURRICANE SANDY TO STRIKE.
} > DISSIPATE IT, YOU *SSHOLE!!!
}
} He doesn't seem to get the humor of this site:
}
} (in response to my "I don't get the joke":)
}
} } I told you, *ssmunch you need to subscribe & even then UR not
} guaranteed to get one. Watch "Ask A Ninja". They got some good ones
} there.
} } Leave us alone. We are a close knit society. We don't need or want
} *ssholes like you detracting from the aims of this site, which
} consists of diarrhea, puns and Christian apologetics. If you have
} nothing to contribute there, get the f*** out. Your contributions are
} both unwelcome and unneeded.
} }
} } In fact, we are switching to a members only format next month, so we
} won't even have to worry about dipsh*ts like you polluting this
} important forum with your extraneous bullsh*t.
} }
} } Go away. You violate the ethos of this site.
} }
} } Thanks for being considerate.
}
} Notice how he tries to draw me away from the Oracle, claims to be part
} of a "close knit society", claims to be part of a new format "next
} month" (this was in 2012), and refers to himself as "us."  (Or maybe
} he has a clam in his pocket?  Or a monkey?)
}
} I have no conclusive proof that all three are the same person, but so
} far my theory hasn't failed me yet.  I have more examples, too, but
} that should do for now.
}
} I have long suspected these two are the same, but I couldn't prove it
} to anyone satisfactorily.
} ================================================
}
} Actually, the Oracle and His priests don't really care about anything
} but family-friendly humor, for certain definitions of the word.
} (Addams?)  Just try to treat jokes as jokes, serious questions as
} serious, and anything else as garbage.  The Oracle appreciates it, and
} wishes you peace, love, rainbows and unicorns - preferably ones that
} DON'T play leapfrog.  (But the rainbows can play leapfrog.)


1550-10    (13842 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wanted to investigate the parameters but instead I got the
> Parmenters, who live down the street in the fat yellow house with the
> goat chained in the front yard and the underground swimming pool.
>
> The method of variation of parameters used to be called the method of
> variation of constants, but you can't vary constants! Calculus is so
> crazy. Oh, I also forgot to mention, but now I rember, Constance
> Parmenter is stunningly beautiful which may be why I flunked the last
> calculus exam. She occupies my brain instead of mathematics. How can I
> get to be alone with her near her underground swimming pool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know you like her. To you, she's the limit. But sadly, that limit is
} of 1/x as x->0. You may never reach it. And if you try to substitute
} yourself into that limit, trying and trying and trying to win her
} heart, we can see that 1/desperation as desperation->infinity will
} leave you a big zero. Yes, try as you might to integrate by parts with
} her, your vector field will never converge. I'm sorry, my boy.


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