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18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:32:32 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1552

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1552, 1552-01, 1552-02, 1552-03, 1552-04, 1552-05, 1552-06, 1552-07, 1552-08, 1552-09, 1552-10


Internet Oracularities #1552    (20 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Sat, 06 Jun 2015 09:15:23 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
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   1552
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1552  20 votes 26840 12764 02666 0127a 44453 05573 33860 04790 26624 35525
1552  3.3 mean  2.7   3.5   3.8   4.3   3.0   3.4   2.9   3.2   3.0   3.0


1552-01    (26840 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He REALLY meant "Aspergers loophole", right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's pretty much a "double misunderestimation reaffirmation loss
} failure grope fumble" much in the same way as when someone writes,
} "looking through the wrong end of the tescalope," and then tescalope
} gets autocorrected either to antelope or cantaloupe. Or both.
}
} You owe the Oracle something. Whatever. Make it a double.


1552-02    (12764 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm sure that I have three identical twin brothers who look just like
> me and they do all the bad stuff that gets me in trouble. How can I
> convince my parents and the police that I'm not stealing cars? I need
> some identification that shows I'm not me. Please help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I told you that cloning yourself was a bad idea.
}
} I don't know if this will help, especially since your clones asked for
} the same thing. But if anyone asks, you didn't get this from me.
}
}  ____________________________________________________
} |                                                    |
} |          SUPPLICANT IDENTIFICATION CARD            |
} |                                                    |
} |     .-'&    '-.       Name: Not Me                 |
} |    /           \      Address: Not there           |
} |   :   o    o    ;     Date of birth: Undetermined  |
} |  (      (_       )    Height: About yay high       |
} |   :             ;     Weight: Average              |
} |    \    __     /                                   |
} |     `-._____.-'       ID #: SSIDC8829166           |
} |       /`"""`\                                      |
} |      /    ,  \                                     |
} |____________________________________________________|
}
} You owe the Oracle the priest clones I ordered.


1552-03    (02666 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most benevolent and wise, is your patronus a cake or a corndog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, do you know, I've never wondered before. Let's find out...
}
} Expecto Patro... wait a minute!
}
} To start with, "expecto patronum" is just Latin for "I want my daddy!",
} and conjures up an invincible creature that protects the wizard/witch
} from whatever danger s/he is facing. This clearly indicates some kind
} of antiquated patriarchal set-up in the Harry Potter universe, where
} the father figure is the male saviour figure, because clearly no woman
} would ever be strong enough to save her child from certain death.
}
} On the other hand, J.K. Rowling was a single mother when writing this,
} and must at least have been aware of the implications. Freud would have
} had fun with this. So would Clement's grandfather, Sigmund.
}
} Anyway, back to the original question.
}
} Expecto ... Hang on!
}
} The older characters also have patronuses (patroni? patrons? whatever).
} This implies that they are still tied to some kind of male saviour
} figure, even after they have matured and outgrown the idea that their
} parents are all-powerful beings who can protect them from the harsh
} realities of the real world. The parallels with the Abrahamic
} monotheistic religions are obvious, where a father figure can be
} invoked by a spell or prayer to defend against the evils of the world.
}
} Right, where were we?
}
} Expec ... no, stop!
}
} Patronuses (I think that's the right plural) can only be conjured by
} those who are able to evoke a particularly happy state. So, only those
} who are confident and happy enough can actually guard themselves
} against the dark forces? Firstly, that's a completely unjust system,
} since those who probably need it the most can't produce one (although
} that argument presupposes there's a controlling force behind the Harry
} Potter universe). Secondly, why hasn't natural selection meant that all
} wizards and witches are capable of producing patronuses?
}
} So, in conclusion, we have that the Harry Potter universe is
} patriarchal, still tied to an out-dated religious concept, generally
} cruel, and full of things that should have been wiped out by evolution
} ages ago. Hmm, it's more realistic than I thought...
}
} What? Oh, yeah. The Oracle's patronus is a woodchuck. He doesn't like
} to talk about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of enjoying Harry Potter again.


1552-04    (0127a dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've often wondered how Julius Caesar would do as a taxicab driver in
> New York City in 1934. He'd already speak Italian, sort of, and could
> probably pick up Yiddish and Brooklynese pretty fast.
>
> You will of course already know the answer to this and other perplexing
> questions, so there will be no need for extensive research. But just in
> case, if you happen to do research, don't forget to bring me along!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle's log, no stardate. For Zadoc and I, time does not exist. I made
} the mistake of bringing a Supplicant back in time to take Julius Caesar
} on a trip to 1934. Big mistake. Now, all Earth history has been
} changed. Upon arriving in New York City in 1934, the Supplicant went on
} a drinking bender and ran laughing into the night. In our attempt to
} find him, we lost Caesar for a time. Fate, however, intervened and
} whilst out looking for the Supplicant, we hailed a cab driven by the
} Emperor Caesar himself.
}
} SCENE: New York City, 1934. Inside a taxi driving down Broadway.
}
}     In the taxi; CAESAR driving, ZADOC and the ORACLE riding in back.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You have taken to the whole driving thing most
}     impressively Caesar. Many others would be afraid
}     for their lives.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Caesar shall forth: the things that threaten'd me
}     Ne'er look'd but on my back; when they shall see
}     The face of Caesar, they are vanished.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Here, here! Confidence is key... Hey! Whoa!
}
} The taxi swerves wildly to avoid a Brutus Delivery van weaving through
} traffic.
}
}     Wow! That guy almost hit us! We could've been killed.
}     You handle this thing like a chariot. Nice moves!
}
} CAESAR
}
}     What can be avoided
}     Whose end is purposed by the mighty gods?
}     Yet Caesar shall go forth; for these predictions
}     Are to the world in general as to Caesar.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Are you saying you fear not death?
}     [Aside] See what I did there?
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Cowards die many times before their deaths;
}     The valiant never taste of death but once.
}     Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
}     It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
}     Seeing that death, a necessary end,
}     Will come when it will come.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Yeah, that's great Caesar. Say, Zadoc, you have
}     any sign of that Supplicant on your tricorder yet?
}
} ZADOC
}
}     There are indications of an altercation taking
}     place at a tavern just up ahead there. There are
}     temporal signs associated with the readings.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Caesar! Pull over up here.
}
} SCENE: New York City, 1934. The corner of Broadway and 15th.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Caesar, stay with the taxi. Zadoc, come on!
}
} Upon reaching the tavern across the street and chair comes crashing out
} of the window into the street, followed moments later by the
} Supplicant.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You idiot! What do you think you're doing?
}     You do realize that all of time and space are
}     hanging in the balance over this escapade,
}     don't you?
}
} SUPPLICANT
}
}     BUUURRRRP!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Urg...
}
} The Supplicant wavers unsteadily as Zadoc and the Oracle support him.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     How foolish do your fears seem now, Oracle?!
}     I am ashamed I did yield to them.
}     Give me my robe, for I will go.
}
} Caesar begins to cross the street to assist the Oracle. Unseen by the
} emperor, another Brutus Delivery van is speeding down the street.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Good friends, go in, and taste some wine with me;
}     And we, like friends, will straightway go together.
}
} The Oracle sees Brutus charging down on Caesar and makes to rescue him.
} The Supplicant, however, purposely sticks his foot out, tripping the
} Oracle. As the Oracle falls, he just has time to see Brutus nearly atop
} the emperor.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Et tu, Brute! Then fall, Caesar.
}
} Caesar is truck by the Brutus Delivery van.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You deliberately stopped me, Supplicant!
}     I could have saved him! Do you know what
}     you just did!?
}
} ZADOC
}
}     He has no clue, Oracle.
}
} As Zadoc releases his support, the Supplicant slumps to the ground in a
} drunken stupor.
}
} SCENE: Modern day alien landscape surrounded by roman-esque ruins. The
} Oracle and Zadoc leap back out of the Guardian.
}
} OG
}
}     What happen? You just leave.
}
} Supplicant leaps out of the Guardian.
}
} ZADOC
}
}     We were successful.
}
} GUARDIAN
}
}     Time has resumed... a shape.
}     Some things are as they were before.
}     Many such journeys are possible.
}     Let me be your gateway.
}
} SUPPLICANT
}
}     You will, of course, already know my answer.
}     Dude, let's totally do another one!
}     That was so freakin' awesome!
}
} The Oracle reaches inside his cloak and slowly turns to face the
} Supplicant, smiling.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You owe the Oracle...  ZOT!


1552-05    (44453 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, here we are in the future. It isn't quite what I thought it would
> be. Where is my personal helicopter? Or my backpack jet engine? Or time
> travel? I WANT MY TIME TRAVEL AND I WANT IT YESTERDAY!!!
>
> Or can I at least have a present future that doesn't include Obama?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who's Obama?
}
} You owe the Oracle the autograph of President Keith.


1552-06    (05573 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me how to discover dinosours. I want to be the first person
> to discover living dinosours they are maybe somewhere in affrica or
> Germany because they aren't here how will I get to Affrica or maybe
> Germanny I need to be back in time to get to school and announce my
> discovery.Thankyou.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the Internet, of course.  You will recognize them as the only ones
} still using Usenet for anything other than spam or pirating.
}
} You owe the oracle rhod - the revival.


1552-07    (33860 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are friends for?  I gotta figure that out by next Wednesday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuses.
}
} Blame.
}
} Eliminating the need for enemies.


1552-08    (04790 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I stay or should I go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you go, there will be trouble,
} But if you stay it will be double.
}
} So you should go, but write us a postcard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Clash of opinions.


1552-09    (26624 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's time to answer another question from a supplicant, and I just
} did, right on time!


1552-10    (35525 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of the many advances of modern technology is...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... landscape mode, for viewing portraits of people like you who do
} not fit into portrait mode.


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