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Internet Oracularities #1554

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1554, 1554-01, 1554-02, 1554-03, 1554-04, 1554-05, 1554-06, 1554-07, 1554-08, 1554-09, 1554-10


Internet Oracularities #1554    (21 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 2015 09:07:51 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1554
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1554  21 votes 47253 25671 04485 04944 13467 24582 15672 13a43 05682 032c4
1554  3.3 mean  2.8   3.0   3.7   3.4   3.7   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.8


1554-01    (47253 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why is my duck green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It wasn't easy, let me tell ya!


1554-02    (25671 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> After hearing about Bruce, I couldn't help thinking:
>
> Can I be a dog?  Maybe I'm done being human.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, here's the thing. I'm kind of full-up on dog reincarnations at
} this point. I can offer you...let's see...*consults clipboard*
} cat...no....bunny...no...
}
} I've got a lovely otter in the Canadian backwoods. Lots of room, plenty
} of trees? No? OK, what else, what else. *taps pencil on teeth*
}
} Oh, now this is special. I've just had a rhino open up in central
} Africa. Lovely sunshine, lazing about...what's that? Yes, the Chinese
} do still hunt the horns. Yes, good point. *scratches pencil on
} clipboard* There must be something here...
}
} Ah, here we go. A dolphin in the Atlantic. A nice friendly pod, plenty
} of exercise, no concerns, just swimming all day long. Sounds great,
} yes? Perfect! Let's get you going straight away. Just stand right over
} there and....
}
} ZZZZZZZOT!
}
} Heh heh heh, what a maroon!
}
}  Oi! Zadoc! Come clean this mess up!


1554-03    (04485 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aaugh!  I wanted a space SUIT but I made an embarrassing typo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately even the Oracle cannot cancel your Travelocity
} reservation for a space SUITE. When you get there, don't open the
} windows, you don't have a space suit.
}
} You owe the Oracle the mint from your space pillow.


1554-04    (04944 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My teacher says we have to support removable energy. Like wind. Right
> now the wind is calm, so that removes it. Entirely like.
>
> I have an idea. When the wind is blowing we can use it to inflate a big
> inner tube, like I use for swimming because I can't swim. Then when the
> wind is calm like now we can let the air out and it will run the wind
> turban. We can even take filled inner tubes to places with no wind. Am
> I smart, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your idea is good, but it would be better applied to water power,
} as it has higher energy density (in horsepower-fortnights per cubic
} cubit) than wind. Go to the hills, find a spring, and fill a watering
} can. Than walk back down, carrying the can higher and higher above
} your head so as to keep the water at the absolute height you took it
} from. Then use its potential energy to feed a power plant, such as
} the biofuel willow.
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on other uses of springs for energy and
} plants, including the Clockwork Orange.


1554-05    (13467 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, please tellme what I'm supposed to be offended by today.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lazy incarnations.


1554-06    (24582 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it always easier the hard way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FOR THE LAST TIME!!!  I AM NOT GOING TO BUY VIAGRA FROM A SPAMMER!!!


1554-07    (15672 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I couldn't beat 'em.  How do I join 'em?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Superglue or Gorilla Glue seem to work fairly well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a separate and disjoint recovery.


1554-08    (13a43 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need a good entomologist who can tell me the origin of words. Words
> like squeggplodger. Nobody didn't simply make that up. No way. It
> had to some from somewhere. A good entomologist (word guy) like you
> should be able to say.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The etymology of entomology is that "entomos" is the Greek for "cut
} into", since insects' bodies are cut into parts.
}
} The entomology of etymology is usually confined to "the blasted
} woodworm have been at my bookshelves again".
}
} You owe the Oracle someone who can unplodge his squegger.


1554-09    (05682 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I really want to go there. Why am I not aloud?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a silent movie.


1554-10    (032c4 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I gave you misinformation once.  How should I interpret the answer
> you gave me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I would of course KNOW that you gave me misinformation.
} This give me two options:
} 1) Deliberately craft an advice that will have disastrous consequences
}    if followed.  In that case you should obviously not follow it.
} 2) If I knew you would expect 1), I should give you advice that will
}    have disastrous consequences if NOT followed.
}
} Then, If I knew you'd expect 2), I should of course do 1).
}
} Good luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle that coin you were thinking about flipping.


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