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19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:55:56 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1555

Goto:
1555, 1555-01, 1555-02, 1555-03, 1555-04, 1555-05, 1555-06, 1555-07, 1555-08, 1555-09, 1555-10


Internet Oracularities #1555    (19 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 2015 08:48:19 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1555
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1555  19 votes 36442 01855 35542 33733 63451 32482 05734 66241 05473 13672
1555  3.1 mean  2.8   3.7   2.8   3.0   2.6   3.2   3.3   2.4   3.4   3.3


1555-01    (36442 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grandad pronounces humidity funny. You and I say humMIDity but he
> says HUM-did-did-ity.
>
> I clearly need to trade him in on someone just as quaint but less
> idiotic. How can I get you are my replacement grampaw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you talking about? It is pronounced HUM-did-did-ity, you
} little scallywag.
}
} Grandad Oracle
}
} PS Careful kid, you nearly blew my cover. When I die (or at least,
} since the Oracle is an immortal being, fake my own death), I'll leave
} you the plans for the time-machine I used to go back in time and seduce
} your grandmother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good amount of lobbying to ensure that inheritance
} tax does not cover "old but potentially valuable scientific equipment".
} It's for your own good, kid.


1555-02    (01855 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got it.  How do I flaunt it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, a flautist plays the flute. So it's quite obvious that a
} flauntist (that'll be you) plays the fluent. He also preys on the
} affluent.
}
} You thought you had a good scheme, standing on the street corner with
} your hat on the ground, playing the fluent. Or maybe the flute. You
} could make up to three dollars in a day, or occasionally more if no one
} stole your hat.
}
} The correct method is totally different.
}
} Dress in a good suit of clothes. Approach someone similarly dressed,
} and say, "I'm terribly sorry to mention this, but I just got mugged,
} and the miscreant took my wallet and all my money. I don't have any way
} to get home. Could you possibly spare a twenty? If you'll give me your
} business card I'll see that I get it back to you, doubled." Prey on the
} affluent like this ten times in a day and you'll have $200.
}
} Never approach the same affluent person twice.
}
} If you feel OCD about that promise (to "get it back...doubled") then
} mail the sucker his business card back, folded.


1555-03    (35542 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I'm not afraid to say it, that hairdo makes you look like Bert from
> Sesame Street."
>
> I almost posted this on Facebook, but I was afraid in fact, because he
> didn't look like he had a sense of humor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait a second here!
}
} Are you telling me Tim Chew actually got his first Facebook friend?


1555-04    (33733 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My map shows that Greenland and Africa are the same size but my
> teacher says that is stupid and Greenland is 14 times bigger. How can
> I trade in for a new one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's easy!  Those teachers are a dime a dozen.


1555-05    (63451 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's the only girl I know who...
>
> Uh, never mind.  She might see this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, she's my incarnation this time.
}
} Sorry, Bub.


1555-06    (32482 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dog person or cat person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, if you need my help to answer an entrace exam like that, then
} maybe higher education isn't for you.


1555-07    (05734 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that no-one can buy happiness?  Because I think I succeeded
> once.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You _think_ you did, but that's only because you haven't gone to the
} doctor for that test yet.


1555-08    (66241 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In this one "Peanuts" comic, Sally pulls "5", who pulls Schroeder, who
> pulls Lucy, who pulls Shermy, who pulls Patty, who pulls Violet, who
> pulls "Pig-pen", who pulls "3" and "4", who pull Freida, who pulls
> Charlie Brown, who pulls Snoopy, who hangs for dear life on a tree
> because he doesn't WANT another rabies shot!
> What's the matter with him, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't want one either. You can have mine.


1555-09    (05473 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's sugar times sugar times sugar?
>
> Dang it, that only gets "sugar cubed", not "sugar cubes"!  Grr, never
> mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm fully supportive of your effort to run a themed coffee shop since
} times are tough even for physics graduates, but you should probably
} hire a proper barista for the flirty service bit.
}
} You owe the Oracle the fractal negative-spin antimatter non-fat grande
} cappuccino I ordered five minutes ago. No sugar, no jokes.


1555-10    (13672 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've decided I need a "heal-a-monster", so that I can be healed.
> Where may I get one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to the same place that other supplicant goes, the one who whines
} about "Steal toad shoes."


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