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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:28:25 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1556

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1556, 1556-01, 1556-02, 1556-03, 1556-04, 1556-05, 1556-06, 1556-07, 1556-08, 1556-09, 1556-10


Internet Oracularities #1556    (20 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2015 12:57:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1556
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1556  20 votes 41762 24743 15590 45371 16454 21854 11468 30863 12755 24842
1556  3.2 mean  3.0   3.1   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.4   4.0   3.3   3.5   3.0


1556-01    (41762 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you mind re-explaining for me the difference between apoplectic
> and apocalyptic? You used both of theose words in an answer as if
> they were synonyms for each other or at least for something, and as
> a result I am even more confusticated than I was perviously.
>
> I don't want the dictioonary definitions, but instead by what YOU mean,
> Humpty-Dumpty and all.
>
> Oh, and you will be pleases to know that this time I left the
> auto-corect truned off, so that my typographiucal errors won't get
> changed into things I didn't moan to say. that sort of thing has
> ruined my questions in the pass.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being apoplectic
} can be quite hectic
}
} whereas apocalyptic
} can be quite cryptic
}
} With auto-correct
} one must genuflect
}
} on questions most terse
} or worse, figuring out how properly rhythm a bad verse.
}
} You owl the Oracle a Stanza.  Nissan preferred.


1556-02    (24743 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The old answer is, "Mu."
}
} But you want the New Answer: "Yes. Why is a cow. Moo is on
} first, and Cud's on second."
}
} You owe the Oracle a book you write yourself, entitled, "Abbot &
} Costello is the new Zen."


1556-03    (15590 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you give me such difficult questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Truth be told, it's a systematic problem. We run out of easy questions
} several years back and have been forced to create increasingly complex
} questions, with all the cost that comes with that. We've exhausted
} all the venues - sports questions, cat questions, dog questions,
} questions about sandwiches, and so on. Our business area projects that
} by 2019, 90% of questions will relate to particle physics, pre-Sumerian
} archeology and financial derivatives (the only subject matter whose
} complexity grows faster than our questions about it). Unless there's a
} significant technological advance in daytime tv that creates more inane
} subjects to ponder, we'll be out of business in 2021, if not sooner.


1556-04    (45371 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please introduce me to the Dark and Stormy Knight.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can't; he's too involved with Lady Gingerbeer to be bothered.


1556-05    (16454 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please helo me. I qan't fignre out how to wrote code in Java or
> script.  N0thing works.here is a exsample.
>
> int j==1;
> cout < "J is"<j<"Hellp world.";

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since I can't tell if you are referring to Java or JavaScript, I am
} going to use python instead since its the languageof the gods
} anyway,  and I am one of them. The code you are trying to writeis:
}
} ------------
} import random
} print "Oh oracle most",
} for i in range(1000):
}      print random.choice(["awesome",
}                           "cool",
}                           "all-knowing",
}                           "nice",
}                           "good",
}                           "powerful",
}                           "good-looking",
}                           "enormous",
}                           ---
}                           "]),
} print "This lowly supplicant has a question for you:"
} print random.choice([">",
}                      "how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a
} woodchuck could chuck wood",
}                      "duos that girl like me",
}                      "Why",
}                      "I love you",
}                      "Tell me something, and make it really funny, and
} really long",
}                      "Is it going to rain tommorow",
}                      "What dye do you use for your hair",
}                      "When is the next digest coming out?",
}                      "Why is the sky blue",
}                      "Please helo me. I qan't fignre out how to wrote
} code in Java or script. N0thing works.here is a exsample."
}                      ---
}                      "]),
} print "?"
} print "thanx"
} ------------
}
} you owe the oracle the result of this program.


1556-06    (21854 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm all about the whether today. What is the percentage chance of
> probability?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About 50%, give or take 50%.


1556-07    (11468 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meet sexy singles in your area for FREE! Connect App is like no app
> > on<br /= the market! Find singles based on topics you choose and you
> > will know <br =
> />you have similar interests! No more 40 page questionnaires. Texting
> is FR= EE!<br /><br />Start connecting today!&nbsp;&nbsp;  <a
> _src=3D"http://www.m= eetseksymates.ru:8217/"
> href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/">http://ww=
> w.meetseksymates.ru:8217/</a>&nbsp; <br /><br />Now available for FREE
> on iP= hone and Android.<br /><br />Download the app today!&nbsp; <a
> _src=3D"http:= //www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/"
> href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/">ht=
> tp://www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/</a>&nbsp; <br />
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p><br /><a href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font
> size=3D"1">DDD= </font></a><br /><a
> href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font size=
> =3D"1">DDD</font></a></p>
> <p><a href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font
> size=3D"1">DDD</font=
> > </a></p>
> <p><a href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font
> size=3D"1">DDD</font=
> > </a></p>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now this IS an interesting question!  Thank you, mortal, for making
} my otherwise dreary day more enjoyable by giving me such a devious and
} well devised cryptogramic question.
}
} Now, lessee... first, run this through a sanitizing program to remove
} the fluff meant to misdirect those who might try to decipher such a
} message without truly knowing how.
}
} C:\Utilities\Defluff.exe question.txt  /lvl=1 /attempts=15
} /crypto=DES4096
}
} processing...
} 10% complete
} 20% complete
} 22% complete
} 84% complete
} Completed.  Results in answer.txt
}
} Ok, great.  Now, to take answer.txt and convert that to binary.
}
} C:\Utilities\TxtToBin.com answer.txt -o binary.txt
} Processing...complete.
}
} Ok, now to take THAT result, and switch back to EBCDIC.
}
} C:\Utilities\Bin2EBCDIC answer.bin
} processing... complete.
}
} Great!  Ok, now let's read the REAL question:
}
} Dear Oracle,
} Help!  I'm being held captive by a Nigerian Prince with a large supply
} of cheap Viagra alternatives!  How can I escape??
} Love, Bill Nye, The Science Guy
}
} Great Scott!  Ok Bill, calm down.  The answer is easy if you take it
} logically.  Next time he approaches, discuss the graphic qualities of a
} nude Hillary Clinton.  Once the shock hits him, overpower him and
} escape through the window on your left.  NO, your other left!  Once
} free and before you leave the compound, look for and destroy every
} single computer you find.  Then, relay your coordinates to the United
} States Missile Command.  Explain your situation, then run like hell.
} You'll have about 23 minutes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more advanced operating system.


1556-08    (30863 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some teachers grade on a "curve"; do others grade on more a "straight
> ball"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some teaches grade on a straight ball, but mostly they have different
} types of curves.Here is a small sample of most common methods:
}
} The most common curve is the "Trick question." The teacher throws the
} ball right at your hands where you studied hard for and are sure to
} catch it, but when she grades you, you find the ball for some reason
} ended up bouncing around the far side of the court. The technique
} here involves twisting the ball towards the top right, making it go
} left and down at the same time.
}
} A second method is the "Not on study guide". In this move, the teacher
} throws the ball way out into the stands. You give up, thinking it's
} out, just when it crashes hard into your jaw. The technique here is to
} throw it at a light post, so it can bounce back into the stadium. Other
} methods exist also.
}
} The third method is the "Both answers work." In this method, the ball
} bounces left and right in such a random fashion that you will always
} grab on your wrong side, except you never notice until the grading
} is done. Trick is a spin to the left, and then using the force to
} change the spins direction in mid air.
}
} The most common straight technique that actually works is the "T/F
} disguised as a essay question" This technique involves aiming right
} between the eyes, or right at the eye, of the student. The ball has
} to be really fast, and is supposed to make you blink at just the
} wrong moment.
}
} Be sure to be prepared for these techniques! Your grade could depend
} on it.
}
} You owe the oracle that you and 20 friends take the SAT in November
} and get a bad grade so mine is relatively higher.


1556-09    (12755 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ----
> |  |
> *  *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a pie table. The model shown rolls about on casters, providing
} greater value but less precision. Although the view you presented shows
} only two wheels, there are actually four, which is the usual
} approximation if the pie is evenly rounded. (The usual rounding of pie
} to three (or more vulgarly to three and a seventh) is odd, and gives
} rise to the euphemism of "swearing the circle.")
}
} The value for pie (or four pie, for purists) is useful when computing
} "pie are square".
}
} You owe the Oracle four pie: Blueberry, Apple, Custard, and Pumpkin.


1556-10    (24842 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why it is impossible to speak the Polish language. (It
> would seem that blending Hawaiian into Polish would give a less
> troublesome Sprachkunst.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, on the South Pole, there are only penguins, and they don't say
} much.  On the Northpole, you would be attempting to communicate with a
} polar bear - be aware that this is a crime in Norway - and promptly
} get eaten.
}
} Hawaiian seems like a much bette choice.
}
} You owe the Oracle an OS replacing Tux the Penguin with some much less
} nerdy Hula Hula girls.


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