[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:48:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1557

Goto:
1557, 1557-01, 1557-02, 1557-03, 1557-04, 1557-05, 1557-06, 1557-07, 1557-08, 1557-09, 1557-10


Internet Oracularities #1557    (21 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 2015 13:37:27 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1557
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1557  21 votes 10974 15744 26a30 17643 36435 31575 23772 14916 05178 38622
1557  3.2 mean  3.6   3.2   2.7   3.0   3.0   3.5   3.2   3.3   3.9   2.6


1557-01    (10974 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been sober now for three weeks. One more and I'll win the bet.
> Then I can resume drinking.
>
> What should I have? Scotch, vodka, or Guiness?
>
> (You owe the Supplicant that you won't forget to pay on that bet.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you think I'm in the habit of making bets I can't "win"? (And with
} some bets my "loss" is really a win.) Our bet was that you would HAVE
} NO ALCOHOL, as you may recall (you do). You thought you were being
} clever when you clarified the bet to allow drinking of other stuff. You
} failed (but I didn't) to consider all of the alcohol you drink without
} thinking about it. Today alone you:
}
}  - The OJ with your breakfast today was 0.2% ABV.
}  - The carrot cake with lunch used 41% ABV vanilla extract in the
}    icing.
}  - The three pieces of "sugar free" candy you ate during your three
}    passes by the reception desk is sweetened with sorbitol, which if
}    you remember your chemistry (you don't, but I do), gives away its
}    true nature with that -itol suffix.
}
} So I think rather than how I pay off my debt, I think we should be
} discussing how you pay yours. But don't worry, I've already taken the
} liberty of ordering that manatee costume. I think (okay, know) it will
} be a little tight on you, but nothing a little Crisco can't solve.
}
} You are (okay, I am) going to have so much fun.


1557-02    (15744 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Parody?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 7 bits.


1557-03    (26a30 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is he a President Of States?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes he is, specifically the States of Insanity, Confusion, Undress,
} Shock and Emergency.
}
} He's running for President of Inanimation, but he's had no movement
} thus far in his poll numbers.


1557-04    (17643 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was told to "raze the bar", if I'm not mistaken. Well, the bar
> is razed to the ground, and no-one will get drunk in that bar
> anymore. I hope that's what you wanted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Precisely. Well, almost precisely.
}
} You DID save all the booze, didn't you?
}
} Look, you can't possibly drink it all before it goes bad. You owe the
} Oracle all that booze except for what you drank this morning. Gaak
} you smell like alcohol. Don't light up a cigarette or you'll explode.


1557-05    (36435 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I've forgotten all about the Alamo, the Titans, and Lot's wife!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I remember her, a pillar of her community. Not quite the way you've
} heard, though. A pillar of fire by day, yes, but a pillar of salt by
} night. NOT kosher.


1557-06    (31575 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellme all about "Manslaughter She Wrote", the hit show.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Starring Demona Seaberry, set in Heart's Location, New Hampster, a
} town so small that nobody lives there, every week tugs at suspension
} and disbelief.
}
} But somebody dies there, each and every week, mostly by falling off a
} mountain or drinking seawater. Demona is hopelessly inept, and never
} solves the mystery of "Who died this time?" before the show ends.
}
} Although set in Heart's Location (named after the real location
} located in Hart's Location, New Hampshire) it is filmed in
} Manchester-by-the-Sea, Massachusetts, a town that simply oozes "quaint"
} and Manchester-by-the-Smell, New Hampshire, a city that simply oozes.


1557-07    (23772 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Microstannic Oracle, I have a tin ear and write poetry that is nearly
> half as bad as William McGonagall's. I would like to be known as a
> good poet, rather than (to quote a recent review) "Gives a good
> challenge to Vogons everywhere and even slightly to William
> McGonagall."
>
> Please write me some good poetry that I can claim as my own.
>
> In return I'll write a poem about you. Here it is.
>
> The Oracle Fine is comparable
> To overcoats that are wearable
> On a hot summer day when you don't
> Need any sort of overcoat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STOCKHOLM(Reuters)
}
} Riots ensued in Sweden's capital city, Stockholm, tonight after the
} most scandalous Nobel price ceremony ever.  When the recipient of this
} years Literature price, Mr Supplicant, was to hold his acceptance
} speech, it became evident that he was completely unable to form a
} single comprehensible sentence.  After a lengthy and embarrassing
} Q/A-session, Mr Supplicant was forced to admit that his award winning
} poetry was not the works of himself, but that of a mystical Internet
} entity, known only as The Oracle.
}
} The lynching mob chased Supplicant all over town, before force feeding
} him with a bucket of the Swedish national dish 'Surstromming',
} followed by two helpings of herring cream cake for dessert, all
} accompanied by half a liter of castoreum moonshine.
}
}  In a comment to local newspapers Mr Supplicant simply says
} 'BLUERGHHHHH!!!!!!'.
}
} Mr Supplicant was supposed to visit the neighbouring country of Norway
} the next weeks, but after rumours that the audiences where stacking up
} on lutefisk and smalahovud, the tour was canceled.
}
} A spokesman for The Oracle says that The Oracle is terribly
} disappointed of Mr Supplicant's betrayal, and wishes that the price
} money should be transferred to The Oracle's favourite charity,
} 'Deities for the Unethical Treatment of Rodents'.
}
} The Nobel Price committee has issued a statement where they apologize
} to The Oracle, and promising to comply with The Oracles demands.


1557-08    (14916 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know, I know, you're omniscient and I'm not. But still, how is it MY
> fault that "mustard" and "mouse turd" seem so much alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So maybe it wasn't your fault, but it was the best episode of
} Masterchef ever!


1557-09    (05178 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come no one ever dies in this movie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a documentary about manufacturing crayons.
} What kind of sicko are you?


1557-10    (38622 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just discovered that there is a horrid problem with the rising
> of the sea level. I think it is going to go up by 24 feet here in New
> York, which means it will have to go down by 24 feet in Paris. (In
> case you are in Paris that will be in meters, which is rougely five, I
> think, maybe. Or perhaps 15. These things are hard to comprehend.)
>
> Please tell me how to know the exact sea level, especially because I
> think that will mean we have to make the moon hold still while we
> measure it. And the waves to stop slurping. And in Paris, too.
>
> While you are busy thinking about it, also tell me how to convert
> distances from French into Farenheight.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I give this question about a C-level.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org