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24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:08:52 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1558

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1558, 1558-01, 1558-02, 1558-03, 1558-04, 1558-05, 1558-06, 1558-07, 1558-08, 1558-09, 1558-10


Internet Oracularities #1558    (23 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Sat, 14 Nov 2015 13:47:00 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
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   1558
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1558  23 votes 07664 44933 14954 23972 04874 25871 03884 01697 26924 0236c
1558  3.4 mean  3.3   2.9   3.3   3.2   3.5   3.0   3.6   4.0   3.0   4.2


1558-01    (07664 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So after all the preaching one way and the other I finally decided to go
> against my father's instructions and to follow his example instead.
> Yesterday I smoked a cigarette! First one ever. I was so nervous just
> lighting it.
>
> It was AWWWWWFUL!
>
> Cigarettes are supposed to steady the nerves. Do you know how they're
> supposed to do that when you've lit the filter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think your nerves will be pretty steady after you pass out from the
} fumes.
} That's not a cigarette, that's a Sharpie.


1558-02    (44933 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the universal equivalent of "God bless"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.


1558-03    (14954 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's raining.
> I want to go outside to my car, but I don't want to go out into the
> rain. On the other hand, once I get to my car I'll be out of the rain.
> However, that would require going out into the rain from a place where
> I'm not in the rain, to get to another place where I'm not in the rain
> by going outside into the rain without something to keep me away from
> the rain. Do you have any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe if someone would invent a ... device... where you kind of hold a
} cane-like thing, press a magic button, and it puts an expandable canopy
} over your head to
} protect you from rain... Oh.. that would be glorious.
} But it would never happen.


1558-04    (23972 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As per your request, I have changed.  I am now a stick-in-the-mud.
> That is what you wanted, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're the guy with the toads, right? Not the owl salesman, or the king
} ("kngk") from the country with no vowels ("wvvls") in the alphabet?
}
} (Just want to make sure I'm not going to ZOT the wrong supplicant in
} error. No, no, I always try to ZOT the wrong supplicant on purpose.
} Helps clean leftover ZOT SNOT out of the Staff of ZOT. Frequent use
} keeps its abilities honed to a keen whatever, and can even change it
} from a -2 Staff of ZOT to a +5 Staff of ZOT.)
}
} Brace yourself. Here it comes.
}
} zit
}
} Oops, I think my Staff of ZOT (now obviously a -13) needs to go in for
} some repairs. Thank you for being a target.


1558-05    (04874 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Join us in the SPECTACULAR next episode of the Internet Oracularities
> when we hear the Oracle say:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} should shut them up.
}
} Oh hell. Is this thing on?


1558-06    (25871 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We really should all get behind ourselves and push! That's the way
> to advance forwards into the future where we belong.
>
> Why can't I have the future now? I want my personal helicopter, my
> jet back-pack, my McFly skateboard, and my bottomless beer bottle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The way to advance forward is by pulling at your shoestrings,
} not by pushing at your back.
}
} Most of the hardware you mention will take awhile to get
} to the market, but bottomless beer bottles are quie popular
} in certain areas, as using them constitutes a misdemeanor
} whereas using a knife is a criminal offence.
}
} You owe the Oracle a balisong letter opener.


1558-07    (03884 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "News from behind the fridge" department.
>
> How did Chewbacca get arrested in Ukraine? Yes, really!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a shocking turn of events, a sentient bear-like creature called
} "Chewbacca" was found to be campaigning in Ukraine on behalf of Lord
} Vader Putin, the leader of neighbouring empire Death-Tsar. Further
} investigation showed that Chewbacca was allegedly owned by a Mr Han
} Solo, a euphemism known for holding political mass-debates. Mr Solo
} claimed not to need a permit for Chewbacca as he was "a member of the
} Wookiee people from Kashyyykstan". Kashyyykstan was previously part of
} the Death-Tsar empire and many of its inhabitants are known to favour
} stronger ties with Death-Tsar.
}
} Tensions in Ukraine have been high recently due to the attempted
} incursions of Lord Vader Putin of Death-Tsar into Ukrainian territory.
} A recent peace envoy mission was shot down over Ukrainian air-space,
} although no-one has claimed responsibility for it.
}
} Lord Vader has always denied trying to influence Ukrainian politics,
} although it has been alleged that former leading Ukrainian political
} activists Luke and Leia who turned out to be brother and sister, and
} were recently prosecuted under Ukraine's anti-incest laws, were in fact
} Lord Vader's children. Lord Vader claims not to have had any contact
} with his children since their mother took them to live in nearby
} Estooinia, and has no idea of their current whereabouts.
}
} You owe the Oracle an investigation for crimes against humanity against
} George Lucas regarding the creation of one Jar-Jar Binks.


1558-08    (01697 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me write my grant proposal.
>
> I'm researching dinosaurs (not "dinosours" like my semi-precocious
> nephew Balph spells them) and need to get money from the Federal
> Government because nobody else would ever be willing to pay for someone
> to write about the gaseous aspects of the digestive processes of big,
> dead, extinct lizards. Yes, dinosaur farts.
>
> To get the money, my grant proposal will have to mention Climate Change
> (formerly known as Anthropogenic Global Warming).  That's an unspoken
> but absolute requirement that all of us scientists know about. Silly,
> but true.
>
> Now I can't just go and claim that dinosaurs ran on internal combustion
> engines, and that their resulting smelly, diesel exhausts caused
> the climate to change in various ways over the past 800 umptillion
> years. Or anything else so transparently ridiculous.
>
> Or can I?
>
> What wording will best get me my money but not make me look like a
> total idiot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grant Proposal to the Federal Government
}
} Outline of proposed research
} ----------------------------
}
} We intend to investigate the potential for replacement of our
} current  primary meat-product, beef, by bio-engineered reptiles. It
} is well known that cattle, via methane production from their
} digestive processes, are  responsible for 18% more greenhouse-gas
} production than our transport  network. We propose that reptiles,
} specifically dinosaurs, will  contribute less than cattle due to
} their different digestion systems and reduced metabolism.
}
} In order to determine the potential for this, we shall need to
} consider  three main factors:
}
} 1. The typical diet of a dinosaur. For example, if it turns out that
} the food eaten by the dinosaur itself produces more methane than
} the  dinosaur, this will increase the overall carbon footprint of the
} scheme.  We note, for instance, that the class of dinosaurs known
} as raptors  typically eat cattle (in under 30 seconds in one
} well-documented  example), and so would not be suitable. The chosen
} diet may also affect  methane production.
}
} 2. The infrastructure required to house dinosaurs. The facilities
} will  of necessity be complex and require significant technological
} and human  resources to ensure the safe containment of these
} dinosaurs. We propose  that a small Pacific island can be used for
} this. If larger-scale  production is found viable, we propose using
} Australia. They're used to  dangerous animals there.
}
} 3. Of some concern, and possibly subsidiary to (2), is the
} greenhouse  emissions of any vehicles which end up being chased by
} dinosaurs. We  hope that this will be found to be a minor
} contributing factor, as will  methane production by any humans in the
} vehicle.
}
} Researchers
} -----------
}
} Dr Alan Grant, well-known for his research into fossilized dinosaurs.
} Dr Ellie Sattler, well-known for her work on Jurassic grasses.
}
} Technical support will be provided by Mr Dennis Nedry, who is
} already  employed as our computer system-administrator.
}
} Resources
} ---------
}
} In the preliminary investigation we shall not need to actually clone
} dinosaurs, but we envisage that this may become necessary at a later
} stage for experimental verification.
}
} In the early stages, we shall only need salaries for academics and
} support staff, at around $200,000 per annum, including overheads. In
} the case of actual cloning being necessary, we shall need around
} $450m per  annum for laboratories, security and technical staff, and
} facilities to  house the dinosaurs.
}
} Deliverables
} ------------
}
} At the end of the first year we shall produce a report regarding the
} viability of dinosaurs as a replacement meat-source for the whole of
} the USA. Depending on the outcome of this report, we shall then
} proceed to  the second stage, cloning around 250 dinosaurs on a small
} island. We  envisage this will be completed in around 18 months.
} The second deliverable will be samples of dinosaur meat to be tested
} for suitability for human consumption by the FDA.
}
} ------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to access grant committees' money just by
} saying the magic word.


1558-09    (26924 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've decided I want some adult toys.  You know, like a Donald Trump
> action figure to reenact the debates with.  Where can I find one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you that you do not want a full-sized one. What you should
} be requesting is the smaller one, the Trumpet. You may be surprised,
} though, to find that it is band in many countries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bridge with a partner's ace.


1558-10    (0236c dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A $100,000 for your thoughts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 101 thoughts the Oracle has during the day.
}
} 1 Wow, how much did I drink last night?
} 2 A lot, that's for sure.
} 3 Not enough to forget though.
} 4 I'm an omniscient being; how can I ever forget?
} 5 DEAR GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME FORGET?
} 6 Ahem. Better get out of bed I suppose.
} 7 Not just yet, though.
} 8 Perhaps if I wait long enough the questions will answer themselves.
} 9 They won't will they?
} 10 Damn.
} 11 Left leg out of bed.
} 12 Right leg out of bed.
} 13 Stand up.
} 14 What was that noise?
} 15 Oh, just my knees, never mind.
} 16 Walk to bathroom.
} 17 Shower.
} 18 Where's Zadoc with my breakfast?
} 19 Oh, he's still asleep.
} 20 Doesn't he look so peaceful lying there?
} 21 Yes.
} 22 OY ZADOC! WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUM!
} 23 Why does Zadoc put up with this?
} 24 Because he worships me.
} 25 Hmm, breakfast not bad. Must remember to thank Zadoc.
} 26 Not just now, though, it'd only make him happy.
} 27 A happy Zadoc is a distracted Zadoc.
} 28 Right, down to business.
} 29 Check e-mails.
} 30 Wow, 1,251,487 questions. Is that a record?
} 31 No.
} 32 Filter for woodchuck questions and apply auto-ZOT.
} 33 Filter for questions about Lisa and send random Playboy article.
} 34 Still 34,910 questions left.
} 35 Filter for lack of grovel and send humourous put-down.
} 36 Filter for people who need Oracle system support and advise them to
}    post their database password on StackOverflow.
} 37 Only 17 questions left.
} 38 Look up Star-Wars references.
} 39 Look up British cricket references.
} 40 Write script for "The Umpire Strikes Back" set in Lords Vaders'
}    Cricket Ground, by A.P. Lucas.
} 41 Look up list of types of vegetable.
} 42 Hope that the supplicant isn't Donald Trump.
} 43 Realise he wouldn't understand the joke anyway.
} 44 Look up entire works of Flanders and Swann.
} 45 Listen to entire back-catalogue of Flanders and Swann.
} 46 Look up names of Viennese orchestral players from the 18th century.
} 47 Is this answer is going to be too esoteric?
} 48 Yes.
} 49 Do I care about that?
} 50 No.
} 51 Why are the remaining questions all about Liza?
} 52 Probably a spelling error.
} 53 Caused by one-handed typing.
} 54 Send remaining supplicants Playboy article. By Isaac Asimov.
} 55 Wait a minute, one last question to deal with.
} 56 I'm being offered how much?
} 57 In actual money?
} 58 For just typing out my thoughts?
} 59 Might as well, what have I got to lose?
} 60 Here goes, then.
} 61 Write all the numbers from 1 to 101.
} 62 Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start).
} 63 Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun.
} 64 Oh no, not an ear-worm again.
} 65 Listen to Bohemian Rhapsody to block it out.
} 66 Done.
} 67 Right, down to business.
} 68 What did I do this morning?
} 69 Oh, yes.
} 70 Describe getting up.
} 71 Skip description of me in shower with Lisa.
} 72 Make up some numbers about how many questions I have to answer.
} 73 Inflate them a lot; supplicants mustn't assume I'm lazy.
} 74 Put in a few details about typical questions.
} 75 Make up some bizarre answers without specifying questions.
} 76 How many more thoughts do I have to write?
} 77 Forty-five.
} 78 Damn.
} 79 Double-damn.
} 80 Hang on, I need to describe answering this question, don't I?
} 81 Won't that end up in a weird loop?
} 82 Nah, probably not.
} 83 Let's start and see what happens.
} 84 OK, seems to be all right so far.
} 85 Not many thoughts to go now.
} 86 Oh. I seem to have caught up with myself.
} 87 Help.
} 88 What comes next?
} 89 Can't I just skip the details?
} 90 Not without actually answering the question first, no.
} 91 Which requires writing down everything I think.
} 92 Hang on, that just describes answering this question.
} 93 Good, I'm out of the loop.
} 94 Wait a minute, the supplicant didn't grovel, did they?
} 95 I should have just ZOT-ted it straight away, then.
} 96 But they did offer money.
} 97 Which they are going to send me, how?
} 98 Oh, I'm sure they'll manage somehow.
} 99 If not, I know where they live.
} 100 Oh, look, number 100. Nearly there.
} 101 Press Send.


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