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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:47:57 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1559

Goto:
1559, 1559-01, 1559-02, 1559-03, 1559-04, 1559-05, 1559-06, 1559-07, 1559-08, 1559-09, 1559-10


Internet Oracularities #1559    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 2016 21:01:00 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1559
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1559  21 votes 08643 25851 11676 19533 025a4 33555 55920 54453 46731 34554
1559  3.1 mean  3.1   2.9   3.8   2.9   3.8   3.3   2.4   2.9   2.6   3.1


1559-01    (08643 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Terrible service! I'm not getting any satisfaction from your help desk.
> I sent in a question and got a stupid answer (which is NOT
> what I was told to expect!) and then I wrote and complained
> about the answer, and I got an INSULT!!!
>
> I am highly insulted that you would allow anyone on your staff to
> insult me. What sort of idiots do you hire? What sort of
> idiots do you take us, your customers to be? You might as
> well replace your idiotic staff with random selections from
> your customers, and see if they could do a better job!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's still better than what you get from Larry Ellison's Oracle.


1559-02    (25851 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My goshness, you can't be serious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hardly. I was Sirius last week. Now I'm Aldebaran. Or is that Rigel?
}
} You owe the Oracle two Bootes filled with O'Ryan's Beetle Juice.


1559-03    (11676 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please sing me a song by They Are Almost Certainly Not Dwarfs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are obviously referring to Zadoc's famous band, Twisted Priester,
} starring Zadoc himself on vocals, Rick, Mike, Christophe, Mark, Otis
} and Tim on guitar[1] and Dave on pot lids.  As all of them are Grumpy,
} Sleepy and Dopey I can see that they can easily be confused with
} dwarfs, but note that the remaining four personalities is missing.
}
} Anyway, I hereby leave the stage to the one and only[2] ZADOC!
}
} (*Ahem*)
} It was in the town of London, the year was ninety three
} It was there this Richard Wilson, stepped up and said to me
} How do you do old hobo and how would you like to be
} A honoured and respected priest of the Oracl-e?
}
} He'll furnish you no wages, your transportation too
} If you will but go with me, one summer season through
} But if you should get homesick and back to London flee
} Then He'll furnish you a zotting from the staff of the Oracl-e!
}
} I left the town of London in the merry month of May
} When all the clouds were raining and everything was gray
} With a lifebelt round my shoulders, a-swimming I did go
} Until I reached the Temple out in Bloomingto'!
}
} It was there my pleasures ended and my troubles they began
} The first ZOT storm fell on us, those supplicants how they ran
} Through all the thorns and thistles, us priests had to go
} While the Oracle watched upon us, and Zot us did he do!
}
} Well, when the flight was over, the Oracle would not pay
} To all you happy people, this much I have to say
} Go back to your friends and loved ones, tell others not to be
} A honoured and respected priest of the Oracl-e!
}
} Thank you.  Thank you very much!
}
} [1] Unfortunately they could only afford one[3], so they spend most of
} the concerts fighting over it.
} [2] And thank whatever deity you want for that
} [3] Not that they could afford a real guitar either, it's really a
} board with 6[4] rubber bands nailed to it.
} [4] Two of them snapped.


1559-04    (19533 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you: 'Priceless'!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wearing a sixty dollar clown suit to prove it, $60.
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle a clown suit that is built to last, and
} meets his personal taste.


1559-05    (025a4 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great orrie in the clouds,
> must sing him praises very loud:
>
> So, Dad accidentally put the cat into the sausage machine, or so he
> says, and I want to reverse the process.
> How can I convert sausages back into my cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, excellent. A problem in physics. I always like to see my
} supplicants attempt physics.
}
} What is needed here is elementary time travel. First let's establish
} what happened. There was the sausage grinder.
}
} GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-
} KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT
}
} Then there was the cat.
}
} MROWW. PURRR. MROW. PURRRRRRR.
}
} Then the combination.
}
} GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MRO
} WWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-
} MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWW
} WW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWR
} KACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-
} MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKAC
} HINK-SPLGGT
}
} Now, grab one hand firmly onto the present, and don't let go until the
} precise moment that we are finished. You'll need your hand on the
} present to return here.
}
} As a side note (rightly on the side, but placed in line in this
} rendition) you should remember that Christmas presents are returnable,
} except for underwear. So if the present to which you wish to return to
} from or of is under, rather than over or above, and is wearing but not
} weary, there may be some difficulty. Fear not, though, because in time
} travel almost anything is possible.
}
} Got a good hold on the present?
}
} Here we go!!!
}
} TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-W
} WWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGG
} LPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWW
} WWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS
} -KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWW
} ORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KN
} IHCAK-RRRRG
}
} MROW. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
}
} The cat is back. You can now...OOPS!
}
} GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH-GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH-GRRRR-KA
} CHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH
}
} Oh dear. You didn't let go fast enough when you came back to the
} present, and you fell into the grinder.
}
} Thank you for giving me a delicious supplicant sausage. I'll have it
} for Christmas dinner.


1559-06    (33555 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know about the Peano axioms of arithmetic, but the question on the
> mathematics final exam says "Piano axioms" instead. Is this merely a
> stupid auto-correction that snunck by the TA who wrote the test for
> the professor, or is there some secret and hidden subterfuge going on?
> Please answer immediately because I have to hand in my answers in 45
> minutes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you'll just have to face the music.


1559-07    (55920 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you accept my crystals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look at that one! 7154 kHz. Formerly useful for novice-band CW amateur
} service in the US, maybe 60 years ago, but no longer.
}
} Besides, I know how to achieve any frequency (or quefrency) that I want
} without any fancy crystal stuff, just by simple exhaling.
}
} Try at Eurnie's Eused Jeunk Eumporium, over on the other side of the
} city. Don't tell him I sent you.


1559-08    (54453 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jester to Queen Merchant 7.  Your move.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knave poisons Jester. Check!


1559-09    (46731 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You saw this coming.
>
> Is the new Star Wars any good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but this question has been transleptorouted to an incarnation
} who lives on a planet in a galaxy ever further and further away. The
} OLD Star Wars hasn't made it here yet, and we are still watching
} re-runs of Captain Midnight and Rootie Kazootie.
}
} The Oracle will eventually regret having put recruitment posters in
} Rootie Kazootie's dressing room at the WNBT studio.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete story of "Whatever happened to Channel
} One in US Television?"


1559-10    (34554 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tellme the difference between Noah's Ark, and Noah Fence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rather difficult to do this without offending you. Finding a difference
} requires mathematics, but you (I know you well) are one of those
} creatures who has trouble with anything larger than the number of your
} fingers.
}
} Let's try, regardless. No offense intended. Mostly.
}
} $ cat >na
} Noah's Ark
} ^D
} $ cat >nf
} Noah Fence
} ^D
} $ od -d na
} 0000000 28494 26721 29479 16672 27506    10
} 0000013
} $ od -d nf
} 0000000 28494 26721 17952 28261 25955    10
} 0000013
} $ dc
} 29479 17952-p
} 11527
} 16672 28261-p
} -11589
} 27506 25955-p
} 1551
} ++pq
} 1489
} $
}
} There you have it! The difference is 1489.


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