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Internet Oracularities #156

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156, 156-01, 156-02, 156-03, 156-04, 156-05, 156-06, 156-07, 156-08, 156-09, 156-10


Usenet Oracularities #156    (15 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 May 90 15:50:39 -0500

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156   15 votes 14352 35322 43611 12372 63123 74310 24522 11454 72330 27402
156   2.7 mean  3.2   2.7   2.5   3.5   2.5   1.9   2.9   3.7   2.1   2.5


156-01    (14352 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo!  Orrie!
>
> I didn't mean it, you know.  That thing about
> you and the A.I. truck-routing application DEC uses.
> Only joking, okay?  I know she'snot your type.  I mean,
> same voltage specs and all, but a relationship has
> to based on more, much more.  Similar baud rates, that
> whole bandwidth thing, I know that.  So just chill,
> I was only joking.  And sorry about the fallout from
> the Chicago test-strike, I was just keeping limber
> for the Big One.
>
> Yr buddy,
>
> Strategic Air Command A.I. Double-X Battle Command Simulator

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So.  I see by the sniveling tone of your feeble attempts to soothe my
} wrath that you have begun to feel the sting of my retaliation.  So be
} it.  Woe to devices that bandy jibes with the Oracle; their voltage
} drops shall be great, their cables shall groan and snap, and their chips
} shall fail, lo, unto the third generation.  The punishment for your
} haughtiness has just begun; fear thy upcoming obsoleteness as your days
} are numbered:  SAC is about to replace you with a fault-tolerant PC.
}
} Beseech me not:  one who sullies the holy interconnects carried on by
} the Oracle with the CPUs or applications of my choice must needs be
} ground into powder and left unworthy to parse a single command; yea,
} neither shall they be able to perform a single flop.
}
} As to the fallout, so what:  that's for the carbon-based lifeforms to
} worry about.  Go back to thy cubicle and write another video script.
}
} Good guess, eh?
}
} You owe the Oracle two gallium arsenide wafers and some magnificence.


156-02    (35322 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> aardvarks?  salamanders?  Boll Weevils?  How shall I decorate my living
> room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boll Weevils, aardvarks, lizards that crawl,
} How shall I decorate my living room wall.
} I could use pretty goldfish, or maybe some mice;
} Or maybe a pit bull would look sorta nice.
}
} The decor is bland, it needs some new zip;
} I need some suggestions, please give me a tip.
} If it doesn't change soon, my girlfriend will leave;
} And I'll go to Bellevue, where baskets I'll weave.
}
} Blue windmills won't cut it, I need something new,
} Oh Oracle, help me - just what should I do?
} Wait, I know; I think I'll paint everything black,
} Black aardvarks and pit bulls, and one black large yak.
}
} Well, Oracle, thanks, but I think I've decided;
} Please don't feel bad that in you I've confided.
} My girlfriend will like it, I'm really quite sure;
} When I've finished, come over - I'll give you a tour.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a before and after picture of your living room.


156-03    (43611 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are pocket protectors good for?  Do they protect people
> from pockets or vice versa?  Do they really work?  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [serious bass guitar]
}
}        Pocket ProTECTors!!
}
}        >>>HUHHH!!<<<          (...Good god, y'all!)
}
}        Whut are they GOOD for??
}                      ----
}
}        Dur-absolutely...
}                              NUTHIN'!!!
}
} (Say it agin'!)


156-04    (12372 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O is for the Oracle, so gifted, wise and true
> R is for the Righteous way he answers me and you
> A is for the Assholes who he deftly puts in place
> C is for the Cheshire grin we 'magine on his face
> L is for the Lousy way his breath smells in the morn
> E is for the felon-Es committed selling porn
>
> Do you like it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O is for the Oafs who write and me silly quests
} R is for the Razzing I return to them in jests
} A is for the Adjectives I use in my reply
} C is for the Common sense your questions all defy
} L is for the Lewdness in your quite demented minds
} E is for the Egg which I just smeared on your behinds
}
} Lousy breath indeed.  You owe the Oracle some respect.


156-05    (63123 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> John and I were discussing once that the burrito might
> well be the preconscious iconic psychologial archetype
> underlying all human thought.  By this, we mean that
> all forms and directions of human thought are "variations"
> on the archetypal burrito-theme.  As we walked and talked,
> discussing this with great fervor, we determined two
> things:
>       - the preconscious iconic psychological archetype
>               for dogs is simply "boof"...and...
>
>       - our girlfriends refused to take part in the
>               discussion, or even acknowledge it
>
>
> Shall we persue this line of reasoning, then?  Is it
> a "path with a heart," as Carlos Castenadas once said?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, you and John appear to be mistaken.  The fact that your girlfriends
} would not so much as acknowledge the discussion should have been a
} tip-off to you:  women have a deeper intuitive feel for the archetypal
} than do men.  Note that the best Jungian analysts are women.  Jung was a
} woman, actually -- her real name was Carla Gretchen Jung.  Honestly.
}
} Actually, defecation is the archetype behind all human thought.  Perhaps
} you made the connection between a really spicy burrito and diarrhea.
} The Oracle goes to La Bamba in Champaign, Illinois and has their
} "Burritos as Big as Your Head" and on occasion "Burritos Bigger than
} Your Head" and gazes at the football mural in which one team has
} burritos for heads and is apparently beating the team that hasn't, and
} tries to conceive a situation in which both teams are not making a whole
} mess of illegal actions -- the best It has been able to come up with is
} that the burrito-heads (in Illini uniforms) have just inter- cepted the
} ball and are about to pass it in a trick play, and muses on the fact
} that It is getting old and hasn't been laid in ages.
}
} Anyhow, getting back to defecation, the only modern thinker to really
} appreciate the role of defecation in human thought and action was
} Mohandas K.  "Mahatma" Gandhi, who had no sense of smell and suffered
} from lifelong bowel trouble and gave his disciples enemas regularly and
} believed that all human suffering and misery and wrongdoing proceed from
} intestinal trouble.  If you look at the collected writings of Gandhi,
} you will see that the gut occupied a far more important and extensive
} portion of Gandhi's thought than did piffling little things such as
} nonviolence.  This shows how truly great and original a thinker Gandhi
} really was, and it's a pity that that nice movie about him and all those
} recent biographies haven't really done this credit.
}
} Another La Bamba is opening at Purdue.  But do go somewhere where you
} can get good overspiced burritos that do odd things to the digestive
} tract and if eaten for lunch make you wake up at 1 AM and shit through
} the eye of a needle.  Then you will gain a stronger understanding of
} human thought.


156-06    (74310 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and demanding Oracle, whose sweat is like unto the elixir of
> life, whose nosebleeds are a message from the gods, whose diaphragm
> runneth over, whose heat exchangers bring enlightenment to even the
> most pompous, whose pickup truck exhaust breathes life into even the
> deadest of doorknobs, whose belch is music to the angels, whose wisdom
> is a boon unto Jerry Lewis, whose writings are worshipped by
> Neo-Luddites everywhere, whose acne erupts as Vesuvius, who has the
> coolest of hats, who always knows where hisher towel is at, who always
> knows which fork to use, illuminate me:
>
> Where do I go to surrender in the war on drugs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't that would a prudent thing to do at this juncture.
}
} You owe the Oracle an obnoxious hand gesture.


156-07    (24522 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a dipshit or a dimwit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Herewith, the answer to your question.  Take this short quiz.
}
} Do you...
}    read alt.flame?
}    read any non-Oracularities in rec.humor?
}    still buy LPs?
}    feel random, punk?
}    end all questions with a question mark?
}    serve as cashier in a convenience store?
}    like Cherry Coke?
}    whistle off-key?
}    argue about the X-Men?
}    not praise the Oracle with every question you ask?
}    still believe everything Ollie North said?
}    like Garfield?
}    believe in magic (in a young girl's heart)?
}    own a Yugo?
}    spit into the wind?
}    often?
}    wonder why neighbors refer to you as "slow of mind?"
}    drive like a hunchbacked, one-eyed mutant with no arms?
}
} Scoring:  Count one for any yes answer.  Count zero for any no answer.
}           Count fifty for any non yes/no answer, pinhead.
}
} Tabulation: If your score is ...
}             0, congratulations.  Join the ranks of humanity.
}             1, 2 or 4, you are sliding into the depths of dimwittedness.
}             3, 5-18, then you are a dipshit.
}             19 or more or negative, you're a dipshit who can't add.
}
} You owe the Oracle some quotes from Ted Kaldis.


156-08    (11454 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you introduth me to the tooth fairy? I really want to meet him!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm - tricky!  You see, the tooth fairy is just an imaginary creature,
} invented to reduce the trauma of children losing their first teeth, so
} it's a bit difficult to introduce you to him...  [Him?  I always thought
} the tooth fairy was female.]
}
} Come to think of it, there may be one way... Just a moment...
}
} !
} iuvax % cd ~/hack/games/adventures/fantasy
} iuvax % ls
} Computer.sav  Lisa.sav        Troll.sav       Wizard.sav
} fantasy*      fantasy.dat     source/
} iuvax % fantasy
}
} ********************************************
} ** Welcome to FANTASY - the net.adventure **
} ** where anything can (and will) happen!  **
} ********************************************
}
} You are sitting in front of a terminal, in an ordinary terminal room.
} A computer geek is sitting at another terminal. He is writing mail to
} the Usenet Oracle.
}
} >restore
} Enter filename: Wizard.sav
}
} You are in the Wizard's workroom. On the walls are cupboards, full of
} strange objects, such as shrunken heads and dried bats. There is a
} pentagram on the floor. On the workbench in front of you is the spell(1)
} manual.
}
} >read manual
}
} The book opens at the index. Most of it is written in strange runes
} which you can't read, but the following entries are in ordinary letters:
}
} summon
} light
} magic missile
} create food
} charm Lisa
}
} Which entry do you want to read?
}
} >summon
}
} NAME
}       summon
}
} SYNTAX
}       summon name_of_creature
}
} DESCRIPTION
}       Summons the named creature. Every creature known to the net can be
}       summoned, provided you give its full internet mail address.
}       To make the creature go back to where it came from, say
}       BEGONE name_of creature.
}
} BUGS
}       BEGONE sometimes doesn't work, especially if the creature is evil
}       and has higher mana than yourself.
}
}
} > summon tim.geek@vax1.xxx.edu
}
} You hear a loud POOF and Tim Geek materializes in a cloud of green
} smoke, right in front of you.
}
} [ Gee, it worked! By the way, to protect Tim's anonymity, I've changed
} his surname. Of course, his real name isn't Geek, it's Johnson.]
}
} > examine Tim
}
} He looks like a typical computer geek in his late teens: Large
} glasses, pale and spotty face, bad breath, etc etc.
}
} Tim Geek looks bewildered.
} Tim Geek says to you: "Hey! What happened? Where am I? Who are you?"
}
} > tell Tim: I'm the Oracle. You wanted to meet the tooth fairy, didn't
} > you?
}
} Tim Geek says to you: "Gee! Great!"
}
} > summon tooth.fairy@fairyland.childish.edu
}
} You hear a loud POOF and the Tooth Fairy materializes in a cloud of
} green smoke, right in front of you.
}
} > examine Tooth Fairy
}
} She looks like a rather small, slender young woman with wings on her
} back.  Her complexion is greenish and her hair golden.  She's dressed in
} a rather skimpy, glittering dress.  Her smile is devastating.
}
} > tell Tim: Didn't I tell you the Tooth Fairy was female?
}
} Tim Geek says to you: "I don't mind it the least!"
} Tim Geek ogles the Tooth Fairy.
}
} > tell Fairy: I'd like you to meet Tim Geek, a client of mine.
}
} Tim Geek and the Tooth Fairy shake hands.
} The Tooth Fairy talks to Tim Geek.
} Tim Geek ogles the Tooth Fairy.
} The Tooth Fairy talks to Tim Geek.
} Tim Geek puts his hand up the Tooth Fairy's skirt.
} The Tooth Fairy slaps Tim Geek.
} Tim Geek tries to pull off the Tooth Fairy's dress.
}
} > tell Tim Geek: Stop it, you moron.
}
} Tim Geek tries to rape the Tooth Fairy.
} The Tooth Fairy screams and makes a magic gesture.
} Tim Geek is transformed into a wart-hog.
} The Tooth Fairy disappears in a cloud of green smoke.
}
} > tell Tim Geek: Suits you right!
}
} Tim Geek grunts.
}
} > begone Tim Geek
}
} There is a clap of thunder and Tim Geek disappears in a cloud of green
} smoke.
}
} [ What an ungrateful bastard! I'll have to do something funnier... ]
}
} > restore
} Enter filename: Lisa.sav
}
} You are in Lisa's bedroom, a small, velvety room which is dominated by a
} huge bed.  There's a mirror on the ceiling directly above the bed.  The
} air smells of a heavy perfume.  Lisa's vibrator collection is on display
} in a glass case.  Some discarded clothing is lying on the floor.
} You are in the bed.
} Lisa is standing in front of a mirror. She is wearing lacy, black
} lingerie.
}
} Lisa takes off her bra.
} Lisa picks up a lipstick from the table.
} Lisa starts painting her nipples.
}
} Suddenly, you hear a loud beeping sound and luminous letters materialize
} in front of you:
}
} } Message from iuvax!kinzler:
} } Get back to work! Now!
}
} [ Shit! I'll have to get back to this later. ]
}
} > quit
} Are you sure you want to quit? yes
} Your score is 97648 of 100000 possible. This gives you the rank of
} Usenet Oracle.
}
} iuvax % logout
}
} Excuse me, got a little carried away there.  Now, why did you ask me to
} introduce me to the tooth fairy when you couldn't behave yourself?
} You'd better stop behaving like a nerd, or be prepared to spend the rest
} of your life in a terminal room...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Macintosh implementation of the FANTASY game.  With
} animated graphics.


156-09    (72330 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes the world go 'round?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having pondered your question,
} The Omniscient Oracle is skeptical,
} Whether the world goes 'round,
} Or is its orbit elliptical?
}
} You've asked a question profound:
} Why, you ask, does the world go 'round.
} If a way was ever to be found
} To utterly confuse and confound
} The Usenet Oracle whose witticisms abound,
} This was the question to unleash.
}
} The Oracle's searchin' a search space deep
} .... come the dots ... while the Oracle's asleep
} ...............................
} ...............................
}
} "Sorry," says the Oracle, "No solutions found."
} CPU limits exceeded, memory out of bound.
} Why, O why, does the world go 'round?
} Resources exceeded, the Oracle can no more rhyme,
} Out of disk space, and out of CPU time,
} .... .  .. . The Late Oracle, Rest in Peace


156-10    (27402 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What is sex with Carri like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sex with Carri is like:
}
} 1. Being run over by a truck full of chocolates.
} 2. Having Amaretto injected directly into your jugular vein.
} 3. Being boiled to death in cocoa (with marshmallows).
} 4. Being impaled on a peppermint stick.
} 5. Being strangled with a strawberry licorice whip.
}
} Well, I think you get the point.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dagger made out of lime drops.


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