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25 Apr 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:29:45 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1560

Goto:
1560, 1560-01, 1560-02, 1560-03, 1560-04, 1560-05, 1560-06, 1560-07, 1560-08, 1560-09, 1560-10


Internet Oracularities #1560    (20 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 2016 10:49:55 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1560
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1560  20 votes 14744 03494 14924 17372 46226 04655 25751 04673 14465 33365
1560  3.3 mean  3.3   3.7   3.2   3.1   3.0   3.5   2.9   3.5   3.5   3.4


1560-01    (14744 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there really people who treat others like meat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. They're called cannibals.


1560-02    (03494 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not missing much, am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The people who live on the adjoining property, behind your target area,
} the ones with the bullet holes in their walls and windows, would
} respectfully disagree.


1560-03    (14924 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Dear Oracle,
>
> My name is Mr. Emmanuel Obo, I am a senior partner (Attorney) in the
> firm of Obo Consults Inc: Private Investigators, Security Consultants
> and Financial Managers in Abuja, Nigeria. We are conducting a standard
> process investigation on behalf of our late client Jean-Baptiste Chet
> who made you his sole beneficiary. We wish to arrange transfer of his
> estate to you at the earliest opportunity.
>
> He left the following items in his will.
>
> 1) 40,000 metric tonnes of concrete
> 2) 24 carpet pythons (deceased)
> 3) 85,000 golf balls (used)
> 4) 18 mechanical calculators
> 5) US$48,000,000 (in coins)
> 6) 3,200 packets of instant ramen noodles
> 7) 31 oil lanterns (we are able to provide you with sufficient oil at
>    cost)
> 8) The number 8
> 9) An itemized list of the above on punched cards
>
> You are at liberty to use your discretion to distribute these objects.
>
> If you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards
> a conclusion.
>
> I await your response.
> Respectfully
> Emmanuel Obo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Mr. Obo (or should I call you Manny?):
}
} I have in hand another letter, one in which I am promised matrimony. It
} appears to be from a Nigerian widow, a Mrs. Griselle Ojobijou, who
} claims once to have been substantially wealthy. She has money tied up
} in her late husband's estate. Apparently he was a wealthy banker who
} "acquired" assets entrusted to him.
}
} She would like US$48,000,000 in untraceable notes to rescue the estate
} (worth over US$500,000,000) from the inspector's office. Those coins
} would do quite well.
}
} Let me know if you are interested. If you are more or less unmarried
} this looks like a chance for a particularly lucrative union.
}
} Most Sincerely Yours,
} T. Internet Oracle


1560-04    (17372 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Password?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure. Here are several:
}
} "123456", "password", "12345", "12345678" and "qwerty"
}
} Si vous etes en France il faut necessairement utiliser "azerty" au lieu
} de "qwerty". Meme difference.


1560-05    (46226 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I lied about the kimchee.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YOU OWE THE ORACLE A GALLON OF WATER!


1560-06    (04655 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the plural of unique?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Multique, of course!
}
} You owe me a polygoose.


1560-07    (25751 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the penalty for committing phlebotomy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At worst, things could get bloody!


1560-08    (04673 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For future reference, is this a gun in my pocket, or am I just happy to
> see her? (She hasn't actually asked yet; I wanna be prepared.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are unfortunately about to shoot yourself in the foot.


1560-09    (14465 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm selling a product that people don't like to hear about, and I want
> to send out email ads for it but I want them to think it's from someone
> else. How can I prove that I am not the person they want to think I am?
> It would be best if I didn't even recognize myself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got the wrong address, Sir.
}
} The GOP debate is over at Fox News.


1560-10    (33365 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Jeremy look like without a mustache?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could have found out that yourself without bothering me.  All
} you need is a bit of wax like this:
}
} *YANK*
}
} There's your answer.  He looks friggin' furious!


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