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Internet Oracularities #1561

Goto:
1561, 1561-01, 1561-02, 1561-03, 1561-04, 1561-05, 1561-06, 1561-07, 1561-08, 1561-09, 1561-10


Internet Oracularities #1561    (20 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2016 15:21:16 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1561
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1561  20 votes 05753 35633 33635 06851 04484 05942 03773 06752 06563 22457
1561  3.3 mean  3.3   2.9   3.2   3.0   3.6   3.1   3.5   3.1   3.3   3.6


1561-01    (05753 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the Good Lord invent women? They're such dangerous creatures.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One fine day around the Beginning of Time the Good Lord was bored.
} It's really boring when everything you have Created is Good.
} He said to Adam, "May I borrow a rib?"
}
} Adam handed him the jawbone of an ass, and the Good Lord said, "We
} won't be needing that until Judges 15:16. Why don't you just
} take a nice nap?"
}
} So Adam lay down to sleep, and God Created Woman.
}
} Nothing's been the same since.


1561-02    (35633 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the after before thing whenever if in when her the age
> question does cheese and if when neither so lemon curry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes a question is so unique that it contains its own answer. Your
} question (congratulations!) is one of those. It's more than unique,
} even more than doubly unique!!! It is so unique that it flew out the
} window, bounced off the "gazing ball" garden globe next to the cabbage
} shredder, and returned inverted, where an astonished Zadoc took it to
} be half of a micro-droid.
}
} Valiantly, Zadoc attacked it with his flyswatters. All of them now lie
} shredded on the floor, mixed with what is left of the cabbage.
}
} Your impossibly unique question is victorious, and has won the Grand
} Prize for Multiple Uniqueness.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that is 16 times as unique as this one
} was. Wait! The competition is gaining on us. Make that 64 times as
} unique.


1561-03    (33635 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Buy your watches here- http://goo.gl/8xMcwz
>
> a fy iphei ikp vxr ys
>
> ohnh jmp c y az jrt
>
> h zoln gej lhfpi q hd
>
> mesz w jxoh be tbi ls
>
> ylkjo bw vbtb qexlf wttnx vemg
>
> awa plrmi k sgm gx nz
>
> xizp i m fy ffvwg bqxo
>
> at uvta r am tuqp hndod
>
> anq lqksx zj ohe ufehc kx

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's not what I meant when I said I wanted you to answer "in your own
} words."


1561-04    (06851 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No it does not bother me at cranberry. In fact sometimes its quite fun
} to nose. Anyway, fetch me the staff of enjoyment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a circle.


1561-05    (04484 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me how I can stop Donald Turnip.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps Celery Clinton can Beet him.


1561-06    (05942 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Enough already! I asked you about the French word "soupcon"
> and finally, FINALLY I figured out that it has NOTHING TO DO
> WITH SOUP. Mostly. Or soup-spoons neither. Mostly. It means (get
> this!) "suspicion"!!!!!!
>
> As if THAT had something to do with cooking.
>
> Harrumpph!
>
> NOW I am suspicious!!
>
> Why would the French use the word for suspicion as if it was a
> cup-full or a soup-spoon-full? "Add" (the recipe said) "a SOUPCON of
> tabasco sauce."
>
> So I put in a soup spoon full.
>
> Whooo-wheeeee! You don't need that much. The godddam recipe lied to
> me, it did. My eyeballs were on fire!!
>
> What's with this suspicion?
>
> As I said, it makes me suspicious. Especially about anything French.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, young sir, it has EVERYTHING to do with SOUP!
}
} Las Vegas, NV January 2017 Reserved seating still available.
}
} SOUP CON '17!
}
} With all the latest gadgets, gizmos, toys and flavors available to any
} connoisseur.
}
} That's right, get your soup on! Featuring these vendors!
}
} Apple, Microsoft, BMW, Campbell, Oreo, Marlboro, Hershey, Disney, Franco
} American to name just a few!
}
} See, the world's LARGEST Cup-O-Soup!
}
} Come taste new sensations. Cabbage & Pear, Musk, Ketchup & Mustard, and
} let's not forget Mort-Aux-Rats!
}
} Tickets on sale NOW!
}
} You owe the Oracle a smidgen of hot sauce.


1561-07    (03773 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dang it, I got a $1300 refund (actually $800 from one and $500 from
> another), and now I feel rich! What should I do now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are various ways to use up extra money. The most common are drugs
} and alcohol, but playing the lottery is right up there, along with
} investing in some enticing scheme for which a Former Nigerian Prince
} has selected YOU ALONE as his partner in recovering lost wealth.
}
} All those paths are for losers. After the money runs out you still need
} more drugs or alcohol, and you end up hovering around supermarket
} parking lots, "Hey, buddy, can you spare $2 so I can buy a hamburger? I
} haven't eaten in three days?" Worse luck if you use that identical line
} on the same guy two days in a row.
}
} The lottery? You get back only $60 for every $100 you put in, if that
} much.
}
} And you already know all about the Former Prince. (NO, not THAT Prince,
} not the unpronounceable sign, but instead the one who asks for your
} bank account number.)
}
} So what to do?
}
} Invest in ORACULAR ENTERPRISES instead. Here at our headquarters in
} Former Bloomington we (that's Zadoc and I) have a multitude of
} businesses that should get going Real Soon Now, and all we lack is
} sufficient start-up capital. But don't just send off your $1300 without
} a plan. Instead, get all your friends to pool their money together for
} you, promising to pay each of them $7 at the end of the month for each
} $5 they put in now. Pay off the current investors with the new money
} coming in. You can easily see that as long as you have a good and
} growing number of friends you will soon be rich enough to invest not
} just $1300, but $130,000 or more in my businesses. Maybe even
} MILLIONS!!!
}
} What do I promise you in return for your money? Omniscience! I will
} grant you the power of knowing EVERYTHING!!! Including HOW TO BE
} RICH!!!!!!! Yes, that's within my ability, because (as you already
} know) I already know everything, including how to teach you how to know
} everything.
}
} Now I can understand that you may doubt me. DO NOT DOUBT ME, this is my
} true area of expertise, and you can be sure that the correct was to
} succeed is to bring in somebody who knows success.
}
} I can tell you are still doubting. You are thinking, "Why doesn't this
} so-called omniscient idiot just use his smarts to get money without
} bothering me? And WHY ME"
}
} Ahh, but there's the beauty of it. I know how to appeal to your innate
} greed, and that's what I am doing. Alone we would both fail, but
} together, with your greed and your ability to gather your friends in
} helping, you will further all our goals, and I will, I mean WE will
} become unspeakably rich. You are UNIQUELY QUALIFIED for this task. No
} other person has what you have, and it's exactly what I need, hence my
} invitation to you.
}
} Simply send me your back account number, and don't forget to get all
} your friends (and THEIR friends) involved in investing, the more the
} faster, and the faster the quicker.


1561-08    (06752 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know about the board game called The Game of Life, but what if there
> was a Game of Death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are playing it right now. If you'll just hold still for a moment...


1561-09    (06563 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people say 11/10? The scale stops at 10.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try rating my omniscient knowledge that way. You can't even begin to
} imagine the difficulty of mapping an infinite set of numbers to a
} finite scale. You would not even get up as far as zero and you would
} already be wrong, while I'd be out there way ahead of you in the
} frumptillions or beyond.
}
} As you also should have already known, a similar difficulty arises when
} you make a naive attempt to accomplish differential calculus on a
} computer, because your epsilon/delta definition of limit fails at the
} discontinuity at the boundary between zero and the smallest
} representable non-zero number.
}
} You owe the Oracle (just for the point of illustration) a teensy-weensy
} portion of eleven tenths of a frumptillion pennies.


1561-10    (22457 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We know what'll happen if we invent the better mousetrap.
>
> What are the consequences of inventing the worser mousetrap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} More mice.


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