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Internet Oracularities #1564

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1564, 1564-01, 1564-02, 1564-03, 1564-04, 1564-05, 1564-06, 1564-07, 1564-08, 1564-09, 1564-10


Internet Oracularities #1564    (24 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2016 09:22:38 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1564
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1564  24 votes 14865 12b55 0aa40 23865 36573 143a6 05874 033b7 15873 27555
1564  3.3 mean  3.4   3.5   2.8   3.4   3.0   3.7   3.4   3.9   3.2   3.2


1564-01    (14865 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think my sister is expectorating a baby but I don't know what. Will
> I be an aunt or an uncle?
>
> Oh, and I should grovel more. I am so sorry that I stupidly spelled
> every thing wrong in that other question. This time well be better
> four sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If she's expectorating the baby, then it's automatically a Flemish
} citizen.


1564-02    (12b55 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shouldn't be any chemicals. Just natural stuff. Anything with a name I
> can't pronounce isn't natural. Or acids. They ain't natural at all.
>
> Look at that list. Ascorbic ACID. Cyanocobalamin.
>
> I'm not eating ANY of that stuff. Just healthy natural foods.
>
> Where do you get your natural foods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate to break it to you, but you're not going far enough. You
} probably think organic vegetables are "natural", when they're made up
} of compounds. You know who else liked compounds? Hitler. Everything he
} ate was a compound. Even his prisons had compounds in them.
}
} I'm proud to say that I never eat anything that wasn't produced
} naturally in the first half-hour after the Big Bang. My diet consists
} purely of hydrogen and helium, with occasional trace amounts of
} lithium as a special treat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smear campaign against hydrogen, featuring the
} Hindenburg disaster, and sponsored by Quarn, the makers of delicious
} quark soup (now available in six flavours).


1564-03    (0aa40 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was asking you about my phone I wrote "batty" where I meant
> "battery" and you said I certainly was batty.
>
> Well, that may possibly be true, but what about the battery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that explains it. I wondered why you were trying to report a salt
} and batty using your phone.
} I thought you were referring to a romantic liaison between Norah Batty
} and a sailor.
}
} As for the battery, you're right, covering it in sodium chloride and
} putting it in a microwave will stop its acidic discharge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a script for "Last of the Sumo Whine", a Japanese
} sitcom about dissatisfied wrestlers.


1564-04    (23865 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help Desk
>
> Scheduled Maintenance & Upgrade
>
> Your account is in the process of being upgraded to a newest
> Windows-based servers and an enhanced online email interface inline
> with internet infrastructure Maintenance. The new servers will provide
> better anti-spam and anti-virus functions, along with IMAP Support for
> mobile devices to enhance your usage.
>
> To ensure that your account is not disrupted but active during and
> after this upgrade, you are required to kindly confirm your account by
> stating the details below:
>
> * Domain\user name:
> * Password:
>
> This will prompt the upgrade of your account.
>
> Failure to acknowledge the receipt of this notification, might result
> to a temporary deactivation of your account from our database. Your
> account shall remain active upon your confirmation of your login
> details.
>
> During this maintenance window, there may be periods of interruption
> to email services.  This will include sending and receiving email in
> Outlook, on webmail, and on mobile devices. Also, if you leave your
> Mailbox open during the maintenance period, you may be prompted to
> close and reopen.
>
> We appreciate your patience as this maintenance is performed and we do
> apologize for any inconveniences caused.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Customer Care Team
>
> ***This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to
> which it is addressed, and may contain information that is privileged,
> confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the
> reader of this message is not the intended recipient, or the employee
> or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended
> recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination,
> distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To whom it may concern,
}
} Please start the upgrade for me:
}
} Domain\user name: honeypot\fisher
} Password: Rem0te&ZOT&protocol&2
}
} Thanks!
} Orrie


1564-05    (36573 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I dreamt I was smoking a cigar. What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means you should wake up, leave the building, and call the fire
} department.
}
} You owe the Oracle the insurance settlement.


1564-06    (143a6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I desperately need to build a cavity magnetron. I bought the plans for
> $650 from some guy on Craig's List (they haven't arrived yet) but I
> want to gather the correct parts. I have an old pickle jar, some bent
> coat hangers, and a set of left-handed golf clubs. What else will I
> need?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A large roll of 28 AWG insulated copper wire, a 1.0 farad capacitor,
} a coat hanger straightener, a cardboard cutout of Taylor Swift,
} a team of nuclear engineers from MIT, your first born child,
} a bowl of clam chowder (no tomatoes), a mating pair of monarch
} butterflies, a team of nuclear engineers from Stanford,  a kale
} salad (with tomatoes), two, no, make it three 9 volt batteries,
} a copy of Donald Trump's 1983 federal income tax return, a
} team of referees for the MIT/Stanford game (in striped shirts),
} some old pickles, a map of Moab, Utah, a scientific paper published
} in a scientific journal (any subject, you choose), a tornado siren,
} an unauthorized autobiography of Madonna, the minutes from a
} non-profit 501(c)(3) board meeting, a vaccine for the zika virus,
} a way to tell right from wrong, a note from your mother, a
} photograph of the entire cast of The Wizard of Oz (except the
} munchkins), an appropriate grovel, a left-handed golf course,
} the graduating class of Scottsdale High School (except Suzie
} McCrossen who has mononucleosis), a parking permit for a
} Pittsburg Pirates baseball game, a plethora of perseverance, an
} another large roll of 28 AWG insulated copper wire.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... wait a minute ... you'll need plans for a cavity
} magnetron. That guy on Craig's list took your money, but you'll never
} get anything from him.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1967 Amana Radarange.


1564-07    (05874 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did you set my house on fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you are the one who asked about the best way to meet someone hot!


1564-08    (033b7 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Still trying to figure out how to convert from square degrees
> Fahrenheight to cubic seconds. None of the usual conversion factors
> seem to work. There has to be some way to do this, or else my physics
> homework problem will be wrong.
>
> And don't go and tell me to re-read the original problem. I did that
> already.
>
> Oops. I think I invertolated one of the terms.
>
> No matter, answer my question anyway. I'm sure you are smart enough to
> figure out what I need, disregardless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant-ish,
}
} This is pretty simple
}
} 1) Convert square degrees Farhenheight to square degrees Fahrenwidth
}    by pushing it over and dividing by 0.35.
} 2) Convert that to square degrees Calvin (for simplicity) by adding
}    Bradbury's constant, 451 (being careful not to set yourself on fire).
} 3) Now, here you can go one of two ways... either square degrees
}    Calvin to square degrees Hobbes, or stuff the whole thing in a Klein
}    bottle.   A lot of people go from Calvin to Klein, but Calvin to
}    Hobbes is much easier, and you don't have to turn your face inside
}    out to do it.   To convert from Calvin to Hobbes, just make funny
}    noises at dinner.
} 4) Now that you've converted to square degrees Hobbes, you have to
}    jump into a cardboard box and transmogrify it to cubic seconds
}    Hobbes.  You might see a dinosaur while you do this, but don't get
}    too close and you'll be OK.
} 5) From here you go backwards... cubic seconds Hobbes to cubic seconds
}    Calvin by pretending you're not a stuffed animal.   This should be
}    relatively easy, unless you really are a stuffed animal.   If you
}    are, I'm kind of impressed with your typing skills.
} 6) From cubic seconds Calvin you go back to cubic seconds Farhrenwidth
}    by climbing into your tree fort and recite an oath (of your choosing)
}    with a mouthful of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs.
} 7) Here's the hard part... To convert from cubic seconds Farthenwidth
}    to cubic seconds Farhenheight you have to have 1238 of your closest
}    friends, and 3 of your closest enemies to help push it back up again
}    while at the same time multiplying by 2 and humming.
}
} Voila!  Converted to cubic seconds Farhenheight.   Like I said...
} simple.
}
} You owe the Oracle the original slider rule.


1564-09    (15873 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
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> Content-Type: application/zip; name="tellme-27719421647.zip"
> Content-Disposition: attachment
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>
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> ------=_NextPart_000_0001_01D1C69E.A134BF46--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no thanks, I'm full. Couldn't eat another byte.


1564-10    (27555 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let's have a sarcasm contest!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to think there needs to be a contest.  Rather sharp of you.


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