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13 Dec 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:43:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1565

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1565, 1565-01, 1565-02, 1565-03, 1565-04, 1565-05, 1565-06, 1565-07, 1565-08, 1565-09, 1565-10


Internet Oracularities #1565    (17 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 04 Aug 2016 08:53:45 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1565
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1565  17 votes 04652 01754 00548 02366 17144 13643 16334 25361 18332 33560
1565  3.3 mean  3.3   3.7   4.2   3.9   3.2   3.3   3.2   2.9   2.8   2.8


1565-01    (04652 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They say, "Be careful what you wish for; you might get it."
>
> I carelessly wished for a million dollars in clean cash with no catch.
>
> Well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's good.  Now all you need to do is work 137,932 hours at
} the federal minimum wage.
}
} Or make that 275,864 hours, to account for taxes and the Oracle's fee.


1565-02    (01754 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Notice anything different about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've lost weight? You've had a haircut? You're wearing a new dress?
} New shoes? You think you've put on weight? You think I think you've
} put on weight? You're wearing an old dress (or at least one you've
} worn once before) and want to know if anyone will notice? You're
} wearing new make-up? You aren't wearing make-up? You've got a hole in
} your stockings? You haven't shaved? You have shaved but think you've
} missed a bit? You've dyed your hair? You think your hair needs
} re-dyeing? You're having an affair with the milkman and think he might
} have left lipstick on you? You think your dress is too revealing? You
} think your dress isn't revealing enough?
}
} Come on, give me a hint, Dad, your drag-act starts in two minutes.


1565-03    (00548 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need a crash course in legalese.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} abatement of action--an action that has been abated
} accord and satisfaction--Rolling stones song about a Honda
} amicus curiae--curious friend
} attachment--file hung onto an email
} bench trial--testing a long short chair
} breach--baby born feet first
} certiorari--see certiorari
} chambers--1970's movie star
} charge--fill a battery
} concurrent jurisdiction--confusion of legal responsibility
} defamation--anything anyone says to or about Donald Trump
} discovery--The Americas, et al.
} et al--"and the rest" (from Gilligan's Island theme song)
} ex post facto--former truth about a wooden fence part
} extraordinary writ--write spelled incorrectly
} garnishment--parsley
} hearing de novo--salsa band from Arizona
} in rem--sound asleep
} incarceration--confined to one's automobile
} jeopardy-TV game show
} lay person--see in rem
} levy--maker of 501s
} mens rea--Danny Devito
} moot--this word doesn't matter
} nolle prosequi--prosecutorial apathy
} nunc pro tunc--see ex post facto
} overt act--anything written by Shakespeare (except sonnets)
} precedent--chief executive of the UsA
} privity--outhouse
} punitive damages--alimony
} quantum meruit--just desserts
} quash--Australian racquetball
} quid pro quo--tit for tat
} ratification--species change
} rea ipsa loquitur--nobody knows what this means
} retainer--dental appliance
} sealing--asphalting roads
} statute--granite reproduction of a person
} stay--that little piece of plastic in your collar
} supersedeas--Burpee's finest product
} tort--fruit pie
} unjust enrichment--see Donald Trump
} unlawful detainer--illegal dental appliance
} waiver of immunity--failure to vaccinate your children
} writ of certiorari--moon of Alderon destroyed in chapter 4.


1565-04    (02366 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you say, "Watch the sheeps," or "Wash the sheets"? How can I know
> which is which?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sheep are the ones that object when you try to make them fit into
} the washing machine.


1565-05    (17144 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am afraid of heights. Especially Fahrenheights. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try a slow descent...igrade.


1565-06    (13643 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm exceptionally tall for someone of my height. Is there some way I
> can think I am shorter? Like maybe climb negative ladders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you try Crisco? The package says it's shortening.


1565-07    (16334 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must certain people get so defensive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who said I am getting defensive?! I am not and never was getting
} defensive!  You not really suggesting the way I am answering this
} question is defensive, come on! Before accusing other people you should
} realize that YOU always getting defensive!


1565-08    (25361 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "To err is human."  So what's your excuse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To really foul things up requires a computer.


1565-09    (18332 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My feet are pidgen toad. My voice sounds like a frog in my throat. The
> less said about my nose the better. What would you say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you are about to croak.


1565-10    (33560 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Mr. Substitute Teacher. My name is Enos Europe. Please include it
> when you call roll today.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh goody! Goody, goody gumdrops! An anagram! I totally adore anagrams.
}
} [Oracle jumps up and down, clapping hands, inadvertently kicking over
} the nightstand and spilling the glass of water that was on it. The
} noise awakens Lisa, who gets up, puts the water back into the glass,
} and returns to sleep. In a distant room nearby, Zadoc mysteriously
} illuminates a manuscript that reads, "Do not attempt to ask the Oracle
} how Lisa does things like that."]
}
} [We now return to your previously scheduled Oracularity.]
}
} This anagram refers to Brexit, because it resolves to "Pee on Euros".
}
} You owe the Oracle several more anagrams, especially the ones cleverly
} disguised as actual questions (unlike today's non-question question).


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