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Internet Oracularities #1566

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1566, 1566-01, 1566-02, 1566-03, 1566-04, 1566-05, 1566-06, 1566-07, 1566-08, 1566-09, 1566-10


Internet Oracularities #1566    (17 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2016 09:43:09 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1566
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1566  17 votes 22364 04931 11933 33623 16253 27143 14534 13454 11942 24452
1566  3.2 mean  3.5   3.1   3.4   2.9   3.2   2.9   3.3   3.5   3.3   3.1


1566-01    (22364 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oops, wrong number. Ex-wife says I now need thirty (30) reasons.
> Sheesh!
>
> As I asked you just a few minutes ago:
>
> > Please give me 20 reasons for me to oppose Donald Trump. I really
> > like the guy, and want to vote for him, but my fat ex-wife says I am
> > an idiot. I need to stay on her good side, though, because of, well,
> > you know.
> >
> > Anyway, what are the best reasons I can tell her? They don't have to
> > be supportable, just sound good to her. She says he is even a bigger
> > idiot than me, which is stupid because I could never just stand up
> > and talk like he does. He doesn't even need a teleprompter. I couldn't
> > even talk my way out of a garbage wagon without a teleprompter. Or
> > with one.
> >
> > So what can I say?
>
> Oh, and thank you for being such a good sport about this. I know how
> wearing stupid requests are when you get them. My ex-wife schooled me
> well, and continues to do so. Double sheesh. (Oh, and if you have any
> clue for "how to understand women" don't keep it to yourself. Thousands
> of men out there are desperate for the answer. Not just thousands.
> Millions. Or more.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you want me to slim my "List of reasons to oppose Trump" down to
} just thirty.
}
} Normally an impossible task, but that's what the Internet Oracle is for.
}
} So without further ado:
}
}  1. He's an even bigger idiot than you.
}  2. Couldn't talk his way out of a garbage can.
}  3. Even with a teleprompter.
}  4. Says the first drivel that comes to his head.
}  5. Seems obsessed with hitting political opponents. It's not boxing,
}     Donald!
}  6. No previous experience in politics. You don't become president
}     without being a mayor or congressman or senator first.
}  7. Stupid ass hairpiece.
}  8. Stupid ass hair.
}  9. Stupid ass.
} 10. Takes disagreements personally.
} 11. Driven entirely by profits.
} 12. Would nuke somewhere if he thought there's profit in it. (Probably.)
} 13. Doesn't give a damn about the 1st amendment.
} 14. He doesn't even seem aware that it exists.
} 15. Doesn't know how many articles the constitution has.
} 16. I don't think he's ever read the constitution.
} 17. I don't think he's ever read a book.
} 18. Not even The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
} 19. I don't think he can even read.
} 20. Not even a teleprompter. Because if he could he'd stay on topic
}     more.
} 21. He's consistently disrespectful to veterans.
} 22. He's being sued for fraud.
} 23. He says he has good relations with Vladimir Putin.
} 24. He'd be happy to allow Russian imperialist expansion.
} 25. He think "working very, very hard" counts as a sacrifice.
} 26. He doesn't understand sacrifice.
} 27. He doesn't understand how walls work.
} 28. He doesn't understand how to be diplomatic.
} 29. He doesn't understand his own plans, and keeps changing them.
} 30. He doesn't understand women.
}
} I don't have any record on "how to understand women". I can help you
} understand "wisteria", however: it's a purple-ish climbing plant,
} related to peas.
}
} You owe the oracle 40 reasons to oppose Clinton, and an essay on how to
} understand men.


1566-02    (04931 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who was it that said "A journey of a thousand feet won't even take you
> a mile, so why bother?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lao Tzu's younger brother Xing Ming. Tzu improved many of Ming's
} works, which is why he is famous and Ming isn't.
}
} The wise man looks into space and sees space.
} The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white, but  you're a mess.
} When you are content to be yourself, nobody will notice.
} Lie to the honest. Lie to the dishonest. Just lie.
} Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is not worth it.
} When I let go of what I am, there just ain't much left.
} A leader is best when he makes sure he is always the center of
} attention. Loving someone deeply gives you the heebie-jeebies.
}
} You the Oracle the collected works of Chas. Franklin, Ernie Einstein,
} Mike Thoreau or Donald Trump.


1566-03    (11933 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dad complains about apathy, but I don't see why he's so upset about
> it. I mean, who cares?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I certainly think the Society on World Human Apathy Truncation
} does!
}
} Here, let me get you their website URL....
} Huh, just a placeholder.  I guess they are still working on it.
}
} Okay, lets find the Facebook page.  Every organization has a Facebook
} page. Oh dear, nothing yet.
}
} Twitter handle then.  You have Twitter, right?  Let see..
} Oh, no tweets. And the avatar is still an egg.  Must be working on that
} along with the website.  Consistent marketing and all that.
}
} Let me call then.  I will have them contact you.
} Went to voicemail.  Message was the default one.
}
} Anyway, I am sure they will get right back to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whit.


1566-04    (33623 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This question is
>
> Oh, sorry about that. It is both a question and not-a-question at the
> same time and in the same way.
>
> This question is not
>
> Ugh. I seem to have gotten myself stuck? Ughh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you are indeed stuck.
}
} I guess what you REALLY want to know is what happened at the party
} last night, and why you woke up hogtied with your feet inside a big
} block of concrete.
}
} Let's just say that the Oracle don't fancy supplicants flirting to
} much with Lisa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wheelbarrow, you are way to heavy to carry down
} to the dock.


1566-05    (16253 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that ALL CAPS is shouting, but I want to shout LOUDER!!! Where
> can I get a typographic magnaphone that will make my notes to you not
> only be SHOUTED but overwhelmingly huge, like 144-point type. I have
> some big questions to ask you and they don't fit in regular type like
> this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $ /usr/bin/figlet LIKE THIS?
}  _     ___ _  _______   _____ _   _ ___ ____ ___
} | |   |_ _| |/ / ____| |_   _| | | |_ _/ ___|__ \
} | |    | || ' /|  _|     | | | |_| || |\___ \ / /
} | |___ | || . \| |___    | | |  _  || | ___) |_|
} |_____|___|_|\_\_____|   |_| |_| |_|___|____/(_)
}
} (If you're not using a monospaced font, you are a terrible supplicant)


1566-06    (27143 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I really enjoy reading on this website, it holds great articles. Don't
> put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. by
> Miguel de Cervantes. fbakefkkegddfecb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, Mike, for your kind remarks on this, the 400th anniversary of
} your death.
}
} Keep reading--in addition to the great articles, you'll find many
} excellent prepositions.
}
} In exchange for your sage advice, I give you this in return: "Don't let
} your cat walk on your keyboard."


1566-07    (14534 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was trying to understand the singular of the word kudos which
> looks plural but maybe isn't, like there maybe isn't one
> lonesome kudo, and my dad said, "Trousers!"
>
> I asked him to explain and he said they are an uncommon noun, singular
> at the top and plural at the bottom.
>
> Please give me three other silly grammatical gems. I can't let Dad
> win this one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hippopotamus->Hippopotami
} Octopus->Octopi
} Platypus->Platypi
} Ignoramus->Ignorami
} Virus->Viri
} Emus->Emi
} Thus->thi
} Plus->Pli
} Bus->Bi
} Pus->Pi
} Us->I


1566-08    (13454 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How would YOU feel if it turned out your husband was really a one-eyed
> green alien split throughout time whose exploding rocket had been the
> catalyst for life on Earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just when you thought this election couldn't get any weirder.


1566-09    (11942 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about King Author. I need something I won't find on the
> Innernet so I don't get told again I have plaggerized from
> Wikkipeedia. Again.
>
> Oh and I truned of the spell correcter today because it said
> everything was wrong. But you are a Wise Oracle and can unnerstand
> anyways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} King Author is a legendary almost-King of England. His short, if
} entertaining, duel with King Arthur is the origin of the saying not to
} bring a feather to a sword fight.


1566-10    (24452 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In my country we all clowns and all talk funny. All the letters are
> pronounced different.
>
> Here is your alphabet:
>
> ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
>
> Here is mine:
>
> NOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLM
>
> Fb urer vf gur erfg bs zl dhrfgvba, va zl bja pybja nycunorg. Jul qb
> pybjaf fzryy shaal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gur Benpyr, univat frra guvf xvaq bs dhrfgvba orsber, fnlf vg fgvaxf.
}
} Lbh bjr gur Benpyr n Pybja Sbezng gb ercynpr gur ZVZR sbezng V bsgra
} frr.


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