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Internet Oracularities #1569

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Internet Oracularities #1569
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2016 08:42:56 -0500 (EST)

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1569-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who knows which products will give you the rash,
>
> Why is it that Gene Wilder never collaborated with Sean Connery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How soon they forget. Alice in Highlander,  The Woman in Red October,
} The Little Prince of Thieves, Rising Sunday Lovers, The Name of the
} Rhinoserose, The Red Woman of Straw, and my favorite, The World's
} Greatest Train Robbery Lover.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh? Who was the first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Correct. Who's on first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-executed performance of the
} Abbott-and-Costello Hebrew Lesson.
}
} ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
} COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
}    A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and
}       English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean
}       the same thing.
}    C: Sure, I understand.
}    A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
}    C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some
}       words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
}       the same.
}    A: Precisely.
}    C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
}    A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
}    C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So
}       make with the Hebrew.
}    A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
}    C: You.
}    A: No , mee.
}    C: Fine, we'll start with you.
}    A: No, we'll start with mee.
}    C: Okay, have it your way.
}    A: Now, mee is who.
}    C: You is Abbott.
}    A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
}    C: You is Abbott.
}    A: You don't understand.
}    C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
}    A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
}    C: You is Abbott.
}    A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
}    C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
}    A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
}    C: Who?
}    A: Precisely.
}    C: Precisely what?
}    A: Precisely who.
}    C: It's precisely whom!
}    A: No, mee is who.
}    C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
}    A: All right. Hu is he.
}    C: Who is he?
}    A: Yes.
}    C: I don't know. Who is he?
}    A: Sure you do. You just said it.
}    C: I just said what?
}    A: Hu is he.
}    C: Who is he?
}    A: Precisely.
}    C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
}    A: No, precisely hee.
}    C: Precisely he? Who is he?
}    A: Precisely!
}    C: And what about me?
}    A: Hu.
}    C: me, me, me!
}    A: Hu, hu, hu!
}    C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
}    A: No, hu is he!
}    C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
}    A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
}    C: Do his parents know about this?
}    A: About what?
}    C: About her!
}    A: What about her?
}    C: That she is he!
}    A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
}    C: Then who is he?
}    A: Precisely!
}    C: Who?
}    A: He!
}    C: Me?
}    A: Hu!
}    C: He?
}    A: She!
}    C: Who is she?
}    A: No, hu is he.
}    C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
}    A: No, that's not right.
}    C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I
}       said it, and I know me.
}    A: Hu.
}    C: Who?
}    A: Precisely!
}    C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
}    A: No, hee is she!
}    C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little
}       Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
}    A: Go ahead.
}    C: Now first You want to know me is who.
}    A: Correct.
}    C: And then you say who is he.
}    A: Absolutely.
}    C: And then you tell me he is she.
}    A & C: Precisely!
}    C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he
}       is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
}    A: Who?
}    C: She!
}    A: That is he!
}    C: Who is he?
}    A & C: Precisely!
}    C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home.
}       You know what I want? Ma!
}    A: What.
}    C: I said Ma.
}    A: What.
}    Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
}    A: What!
}    C: Not what, who!
}    A: He!
}    C: Not he! Ma is not he!
}    A: Of course not! Hu is he!
}    C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he,
}       he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
}       play with my dog.
}    A: Fish.
}    C: Fish?
}    A: Dag is fish.
}    C: That's all, I'm outa here.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-03
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you still answering questions, and if so, why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's one for the grovel
} Two for the dough
} Three so I can ZOT you
} and I'll do it NOW!
}
} But don't you
} ask 'bout the brown w**d ch*cks
} Well you can do anything
} But stay off those brown w**d ch*cks
}
} Well, it's
} Brown, brown
} brown w**d ch*cks
} Brown, brown
} brown w**d ch*cks, yeah!
} Brown, brown
} brown w**d ch*cks, baby!
} Brown, brown
} brown w**d ch*cks
} Well, you can do anything
} But stay off of those brown w**d ch*cks!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-04
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From Are there monsters in my closet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All the monsters in your closet are totally imaginary. You can get out
} of bed and go and look if you doubt me.
}
} You are so fortunate to have a helpful Oracle available to save you
} from Dark and Fearsome Horrors. I live underneath your bed,
} composing answers while you sleep, which is why you never
} see me. And rarely if ever do I cackle, snort, or reach out
} to grab your ankles.
}
} Cackle.
}
} Snort.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-05
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the symptoms of high libido?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great excitement at any hint of a glimpse of a Freudian slip.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You said, perhaps in haste,
> } That's not how keyboards work.
> } That's also not how jokes work.
>
> But, but, they DID. They did so! They DID!!!
>
> Every time I ask you a question I am so absobumptly THRILLED to get
> some sort of answer that is not one of Milton Berle's jokes, but
> instead something partially different. Do you do that with partial
> differentials? I think my car needs one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We're going to need a bigger bad pun jar, Zadoc.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it me or you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am you.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-08
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good plural for a mongoose please. All I've been able to figure out
> is, "Please send me a mongoose. While you are at it, please send
> me another."  It's probably not mongeese or digoose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, supplicant, you've missed the key point. The reason that
} there's no linguistic plural for "mongoose" is because there's no
} *physical* plural for "mongoose". There is always, and has only ever
} been, one ophiophagous herpestid -- the trick is, it goes back and
} forth through time so as to exist in multiple places at once, like
} with electrons (or rather, like with *the single electron*).
} Therefore, we cannot send you mongooses, mongeese, mongice, mongices,
} mongen, mongoosen, mongi, mongii, mongiii, mongiv, mongeeth, mongeet,
} monga, mongae, digoose, digeese, trigoose, trigeese, polygoose,
} polygeese, polygoosen, or polygooses. We can only send you the
} mongoose. If you need more, we can send it to you again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chemistry textbook that explains molecular
} bonding in terms of mongoose exchange.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-09
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is best in life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That would be Henry R. Luce, who was also the best in Time, Fortune,
} and Sports Illustrated.
}
} You owe the Oracle a time-travel luncheon expedition to Carbur's
} Restaurant in Hadley, Massachusetts. It was famous for having booths
} with strange names. There was of course the John Wilkes booth and
} (appropriate to our purposes right now) the Clare Luce booth.
}
} I realize that we are far into the has-to-be-explained in-joke
} territory, but that's one of the hazards you encounter when you ask a
} question of a Wise Guy who is tremendously smarter than you are and
} whose immortality allowed him to see 1975 first-handedly.
}
} Explanation: Clare Boothe Luce was Henry's wife.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1569-10
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oops again. By mistake I'm asking about Yakaturian V. Parmenter. It's
> not a person, but instead a legal case. Yakaturian and Parmenter want
> to hate each other, so they have filed a lawsuit.
>
> Please tell me how to sweep up lawsuit filings. Steel filings you can
> get with a magnet. These don't.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can create a new magnet to pick up steel filings by rubbing a
} piece of steel against a magnet for several hours.
}
} Similarly, you can create a new lawyer to pick up lawsuit filings by
} rubbing a piece of steel against a lawyer for several hours.
}
} Sorry, let me try again:
}
} You can force a lawyer to pick up lawsuit filings for a tenth of their
} standard fee by rubbing a piece of sharp steel against them for
} several hours.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean joke about legal briefs.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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