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Internet Oracularities #157

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Usenet Oracularities #157    (18 votes, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 15 May 90 14:56:26 -0500

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157   18 votes 01647 12456 43821 25632 35631 33642 12492 35433 56421 43533
157   3.0 mean  3.9   3.7   2.6   2.9   2.7   2.9   3.5   2.9   2.3   2.9


157-01    (01647 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle!  I was just wondering what the best way for three guys to
> have sex with a girl is -- and where I could get the three guys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooh! Finally a question I can sink my teeth into. Menage a quatre is a
} popular pasttime among the swingers these days. For maximum pleasure
} you might want to try covering yourself in mayo while
} **********************************************************************
} We interrupt this Oracularity to bring you this important message.
}
} Hello. I'm Dick Limper, president of the Committee to Remove and
} Eliminate All Sexual Evil (CREASE). I would like to say something to
} all you youngsters out there who read these Oracularities.
}
} Sex is bad!
} Not only that, it's yukky!
} Look, let me show you some examples.
} Here is a picture of a celibate male.
} [Holds up a picture of Arnold Schwartzenegger].
} Here is the same man after several weeks of intense sexual activity.
} [Holds up a picture of a leper]
} Here is a picture of a celibate female.
} [Holds up a picture of Elle Macpherson]
} And after intense copulation?
} [Holds up a naked picture of Bella Abzug]
}
} Well, the results are conclusive! Sex isn't good for you.
} So come on! Satisfy those urges some other way. The world would be a
} much better place if everyone channeled that evil sexual energy into
} more useful pursuits, like reading the Bible or beating up minorities.
}
} This message brought to you by Industrial-strength Fundamentalists,
} Inc., who have recently bought a large share of the Usenet Oracle.
}
} We now return you to the regularly scheduled Oracularity, already in
} progress.
} **********************************************************************
} hose the room down. You'll also find that a WaterPic is better at
} getting the Vaseline out of your teeth than a standard toothbrush.
} Make sure to use only Everready or Duracell batteries, or the evening
} may end early.
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed report.


157-02    (12456 dist, 3.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, tell me, tell me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, all right, but only if you promise to go right to sleep
} afterwards.
}
} Once upon a time, there was a prince named Silurian.  He was tall and
} fair and handsome and wealthy, and what he loved more than anything else
} in the world was heavy construction equipment.  Because he was wealthy,
} he had a construction site built in the palace garden, and he used to
} spend his days digging holes with his backhoe, pushing dirt around with
} his bulldozer, or setting girders into position with his crane.  All the
} butlers and the maids from the palace had to put on hardhats and act as
} other workers on the site, but they didn't like this very much because
} they always got their clothes dirty and the Queen would yell at them.
}
} Now, one day, Silurian was excavating in readiness for a new office
} tower -- "Bite, dump!  Bite, dump!" he'd say to himself as the shovel
} took another load and dropped it into the waiting dumptruck -- when all
} of a sudden Jesus Christ appeared.  He just materialized in the hole,
} just where Silurian was about to take another bite.  He was sitting on a
} donkey, and was carrying a Sony Walkman, but Silurian recognized him at
} once from the picture on the wall in the church where the King and the
} Queen made him go every Sunday.
}
} "I have a special mission for you," Jesus called up to Silurian.  "You
} must take this to Mother Teresa in Calcutta." As he said this, a
} cylinder materialized in Silurian's hand.  It was green and shimmering,
} and although it had no pattern on it, when Silurian looked at it, it
} seemed as if he could see every pattern and every color all at once.
} "But why can't you .  .  .  ?" Silurian called out to Jesus; but it was
} too late, and he had vanished.
}
} So Silurian called his travel agent and booked a flight to Calcutta, and
} even though he was wealthy he got a cheap fare by booking seven days in
} advance and staying over Saturday night, for it is by such methods that
} the wealthy become and stay that way.  In any case, he welcomed the
} delay of seven days, for he was entranced with the beauty of the green
} cylinder, and was pleased to be able to keep it a little longer.
}
} Meanwhile, in Islamabad, in the dingy cellar of a coffee shop, two
} desperate members of the Islamic Jihad for the Liberation of Everything
} Non-Islamic were plotting.  The plastic surgeon they had kipnapped had
} responded to their threats of torture and had agreed to do as they
} demanded.  An old woman walked in the door.  "Mother," cried the younger
} man, "You have come!" "Yes, my son," she replied, "I am willing to play
} my part for Islam and the destruction of the government of India."
} "Then," said the other man, who had been silent up till now, sucking on
} a goat, "You are willing to be turned into a replica of Mother Teresa
} and take her place when we abduct her!"
}
} Just at the moment, Mother Teresa herself was on her knees on the dusty
} floor of her Calcutta orphanage, wiping up the blood and spittle with
} the corner of her habit, when a pair of feet came into her field of
} view.  They were not the feet of a street beggar, but the strong, feet
} of a healthy young man barely twenty.  She looked up, and found herself
} staring into one of the most handsome faces she had ever seen.  "I am
} Brother Stigmata," he said, "I have been assigned to work with you." But
} Mother Teresa's mind was not on what he said but one what she felt.  For
} the first time since she was a young teenager, she felt desire for the
} body of another human being.  "But no!" she thought to herself, "I
} mustn't!"
}
} But by the time Silurian had landed in Calcutta one week later, she had
} shared the young priest's bed not once but three times.  "Eternal
} damnation is a small price to pay for this beauty," she would say to him
} each time.  So when the handsome Silurian came knocking on her door, she
} at first thought he was from the Vatican and had come to take her to
} hell.  Before Silurian could explain his mission, however, the sound of
} mortar fire, close by, was heard, and Vytautis Landsbergis pushed his
} way through.  "Do you have a piano?", he asked breathlessly, "I need to
} send a message to the Kremlin.  They've cut all --
}
} -- Oh, you're asleep already.  Thank goodness!
}
} When you wake up, you owe the Oracle a bedtime story from Newsweek.


157-03    (43821 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose whatever whatever whabatever, what is the
> smurfiest sex toy of all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my child, your repression shows through in the misspellings in the
} question.  I'll answer quickly so you can be relieved.  Setting aside
} cyan coloured dildos and inflatable Smurfette dolls (which are certainly
} smurfy sex toys) there are a few choices for the smurfiest sex toy of
} all.
}
} First, there's the Grampa Smurf Pneumatic Orgy machine.  This is for
} when you want group sex but are a party of one.  Measuring 9 foot by 12
} foot, this cyan latex and animitronic wonder simulates a fun frolicking
} time with the whole Smurf gang.  Operated by two small air compressors
} (only 40dB) it is full of pulsating penises and vibrating vulvas to
} satisfy the needs of the most demanding customer.  Also, it can be
} useful to make any couple or threesome into a larger party.  (Some
} assembly required, 220V house current required.)
}
} Next, did you know that Smurfberries make great Ben Wa balls?  Yes, it's
} true, the smooth softness make for a unique experience for you and your
} lover.  Plus, they add a delightful flavour to cunnilingus afterwards.


157-04    (25632 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women wear so much makeup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, buddee, let me tell you a little something about how women are.
} Women are kind of like digital watches.  They have these two little
} buttons in front, and a small readout area with four LED or LCD digits,
} plus a couple of flashing colons, on the front.  If you put them in a
} microwave, they go totally crazy and afterwards they have no idea what
} time it is.  Nerds like to wear them on their left arms.  IS THAT
} PERFECTLY CLEAR?
}
} Now, also, women are like motorcycles.  If you ride them, they go VROOM
} VROOM VROOM down the streat, waking everyone up.  They get about 50-70
} miles to the gallon, especially (in the case of women) if you feed them
} Southern Comfort.  They can also do your income taxes.  If you fix them
} up with nice hair and dinner, they sometimes will wait out in the
} parking lot for a few hours while you are shooting pool or drinking beer
} with the guys, but you got to remember to tye them up if you're in a
} city or else they might get stolen.  Also you should NOT DRIVE DRUNK,
} not even if you're a woman, but I think you get the general idea.
}
} So that's why they wear makeup.
}
} You owe the Oracle one large lock, and a big can of makeup.


157-05    (35631 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a magic spell that would change me temporarily into Lisa's
> bra?  Spending a few hours pressed against those terrific tits would
> be great.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, frankly, Lisa usually doesn't wear a bra.  What lingerie she does
} wear ends up getting very hard use:  torn, burst at the seams, that sort
} of thing.  She likes it rough, you know -- not so much rough on herself
} but on what little clothing she's wearing.  If her lover isn't
} enthusiastic enough she'll tear it herself.  So even if the Oracle could
} give you such a spell (and the only one that exists is one that would
} change you into a bra, which someone would have to mail to Lisa and she
} would have to wear), you would probably end up dmamged, and on
} metamorphosis back into human form would die quickly of massive trauma.


157-06    (33642 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, wise in the ways of bizarre gadgets, what is the
> following gadget, and why did I receive one in the mail this morning
> from "Sam" in South Terracotta Springs, CA?
>
>        \
>         \
>          \
>           >
>          /|
>         / |
>        /  |
>           |
>           #-------O
>           |
>           #------O
>           |
>           #-----O
>           |
>           #----O
>           |
>           #---O
>           |
>           #--O
>           |
>           #-O
>           |
>           #O
>           |
>           |
>           |
>           V

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a mistake on the part of the sender...it should have gone to a
} radical feminist in Kokomo, Indiana.  She got your order, and what she's
} going to do with a Marilyn Monroe mask, a vocoder, and a pair of fishnet
} stockings I have no idea.  (Actually I have -- that's just an expression
} I used to use before I got the Oracular Powers.  She's going to send
} them back with a bitchy letter, actually.)
}
} Anyhow, what you have there is a nasty little implement used by
} man-hating feminists.  They doll up one of the prettier of their number
} and have her pick up some dweeb in a singles' bar, go to his place, get
} him all aroused, get his pants down...she sticks his erect member into
} it and it slices the hapless organ into little pieces, with lots of pain
} and blood.  Disgusting, but they count it as a blow for the freedom of
} wimmin everywhere.


157-07    (12492 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-seeing Oracle, without whom the robot would be diploid, grant me
> this morsel of your omniscience.
>
> Suppose (just hypothetically, now) that a sixteen year old computer geek
> were to etherize a snake in the woods and sneak it into his
> eighteen-year old sister's bed, just to give her a hypothetical scare,
> and the snake were to wake up and bit the next person who came into the
> bed, and suppose (just hypothetically now) that their parents were away
> and the person who happened to be next in the bed was her boyfriend,
> let's call him Jeff, and suppose (simply for the sake of argument,
> remember) that the snake turned out to be a rattlesnake, welll, what
> should the computer geek do with the rattlesnake and the poisoned naked
> Jeff and the screaming naked sister, even without the fact that the
> dining room table is now a heap of smouldering ruubble from the
> chemistry experiments?
>
> All this is purely hypothetical, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Robots don't have ploidy.  But I'll take that as a compliment.
}
} Etherize.  Been reading "Prufrock" again?
}
} Trap the snake in the bedclothes, call an ambulance, slap the sister
} about and give her a shot of tequila to calm her.  Dead easy and
} obvious.
}
} Or since this is all hypothetical, you could hypothetically turn the
} snake venom into heroin, turn the snake into a slinky, sexy woman who
} falls madly in lust with you and deflowers you, and restore the dining
} room table to its original state.  AMazing how much power an author has
} in fiction.


157-08    (35433 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i have ten fingers
> ten liddle toes'es
> i got one liddle face
> and in the middle is my nose'es
> got neon in my lungs
> and when it's cold i glows'es
> my feet dey smell, but what de hell
> i skinny dipped with moses
>
>       [ TRUE ]       [ FALSE ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FALSE.  You have nine fingers on your left hand, and three noses, and
} only the usual trace amounts of neon in your lungs.
}
} The Oracle bets that you don't know what nine fingers on the left hand
} and three noses is a reference to.  Ha ha ha ha!  The Oracle knows, and
} you don't!  Ignoramus.  Unread, unwashed Philistine.  Probably you never
} read anything other than textbooks, computer manuals, the telephone
} book, and TV Guide.  In fact, you miserable, wh
}
} Excuse me.  Sorry about that.  We've got him under control now.  Forgot
} to take his antipsychotic drug.  Usually he's worse when he's in this
} state.  The reference, of course, is to Ionesco, as you no doubt know.
}
} Sorry again.  Oh, well, you get what you pay for, and considering that
} the Oracle costs you nothing, except Internet/Usenet bandwidth which is
} probably excessive anyhow (overdesigned, these networks are.  A few
} years back we had only a 2400-baud dialup for the entire campus and we
} got along just find on that and didn't have clutter like all these
} newsgroups and the Oracle and mailing lists for transvestites and
} lesbians and other ungodly wicked perverts who are trying to do in not
} only this great country of Canada, but the United States and Europe and
} by now even Asia and soon South America and Australia is already
} crumbling under the perversion of these evil men and women who lick cane
} toads and give LSD to kids and sodomize sheep and I hate them all and I
} want to kill them and they will die in a rain of blood and fire from
} heaven and brimstone and their father the devil will lead them on to
} frenzies of perverse destruction and the sooner we start killing them
} all the better a place the world will be and ive designed some great
} machines that will chop them all up into itty bitty little bits and
} theyll be made with all-canadian parts by all- canadian labor except the
} bits that are made in the u.s.  which really isnt that bad except for
} all the preverts and child-molesters and eaters of soiled underwear and
} those wicked porno book stores and gay bars and i want to go in there
} and kill all
}
} Oh, dear.  He's gone mad as well.  I assure you that those last two
} Oracular Incarnations were not typical of the new, improved, high-
} quality Oracular Incarnations that are now available.  Only A$0.15
} (that's Australian dollars -- none of that U.  S.  or Canadian crap,
} mate) a word, billed to your institution or deducted directly from your
} bank account, and worth every Australian penny.  Be sure to put
} "Australian Oracle" in your subject line, and include the name, number,
} and expiration date off your charge plate (credit card as you Americans
} call it) unless you want the automatic deduction or payment by your
} institution.


157-09    (56421 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A new biblical scroll has been found.   Will you please elicidate
> it with one of your patented Bilbical Explications (tm).
>
>       Go thou, and pound sand, like unto thy father and thy
>       father's father before him.  Speak to me not of thy
>       (fragment missing), for it is an abomination.  And wash
>       thy hands afterwards.   Thy (word unclear, it may be
>       "freebish") is not acceptable in the eyes of the lord thy God,
>       for it is the wrong size.  And also not with small children,
>       lest thy God turn his eyes from you, yea, like when he, in his
>       majesty, turneth with his remote control from ESPN to
>       Nickelodeon.
>
> I humbly thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously a forgery.  God is omniscient and does not need a remote
} control or a TV set to watch television.  Really you shouldn't worry
} about these things until the Church says that they're kosher, so to
} speak.  This fragment is even less authentic than those faddish Gnostic
} Gospels, which are at least contemporary with some of the Biblical
} stuff.
}
} The scroll in question was faked in 1986 by Harold McGill of Hamilton,
} Ontario.  The reference to Nickelodeon is because McGill has the hots
} for Christine on "You Can't Do That on Television" (so has the Oracle --
} cute little wench, isn't she?) and wanted to put in an oblique reference
} to her.  McGill has every episode in which she appears on tape, and
} watches them over and over and over again, making little moans and
} drinking pitchers of martinis.


157-10    (43533 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't get it.  When I aks you questions, you sneer and reply with
> answers that lack any respect for my personhood and generally aren't
> very nice.  This is the '90s, and we're all supposed to be into
> tolerance and acceptance of other points of view.  Were you weaned with
> a cattle prod?  Are you gonna get with the program and be all
> Phil-Donohue/Alan-Alda-sensitive-90s-kind-of-guy-ish or are you gonna
> stick with the Morton Downey approach?
>
> Yours desperately seeking a role model,
>
> John Wayne, Famous dead movie actor and American Icon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There, there.  Some of the Oracle's incarnations haven't the new kinder,
} gentler personalities that are so vital these days.  But most of us have
} had new personalities implanted to make us all gooey and sticky- sweet
} and sensitive and caring, even towards dead people and people who give
} assumed names such as those of dead movie stars.
}
} The Oracle really cares deeply about you.  Honestly.  The Oracle would
} like to give you a great big hug and kiss, and tell you that your
} neediness is okay, that your sensitivity is okay, that what you do with
} goats and foundation makeup and surgical tubing and red silk stockings
} is more than just okay, but deeply a part of you that makes you all the
} more human and real.  What you like doing with the little boys and the
} Weed-Eater and the activated charcoal and the dead goldfish and the
} industrial-grade Bostitch power stapler is deeply touching and real and
} warm and human and an example and a lesson to all of us.
}
} The Oracle really wants to comfort you and help you become happy with
} your very natural and human shortcomings that in unelightened times
} would have put you in noisome nasty prisons, gnawed by rats, or in a
} lunatic asylum to be the butt of visitors.  But nowadays we are wise and
} caring and tolerant, and the Oracle hopes that this little heartfelt
} note to you will bolster your self-esteem and keep you along the path to
} true self-acceptance and self-realization.  The Oracle would not think
} to call you a filthy stinking pervert who should be tortured to death or
} at least locked up with the key thrown away.  Oh, no.  It's great to
} live in such an enlightened age when all the repressive Puritan
} religiosity is being stripped away and we can be truly loving regardless
} of race, age, sex, creed, marital status, national origin, species,
} genus, class, phylum, aliveness-or-deadness-or-animateness.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Carl Rogers.


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