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Internet Oracularities #1570

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Internet Oracularities #1570
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2017 14:50:47 -0500 (EST)

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   1570
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1570-01
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get one of them Priapus High Breed Cars for my daughter she
> says she needs one now that she is outta highschoool. Frankie's Used
> Cars in town says he don'thave stuff like that an I don't have enuf
> money anyways how can he tell? but I don't wanna spen more than $500
> for it because I don't have that kinda money like $30,0000 dollars.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think she wanted a Priapus High Speed Ride, not High Breed Car,
} although it is not hard^H^H^H^Hdifficult to see the confusion.
}
} You, as the father of an older teenage daughter, are quite likely
} very much in denial about the things she does privately. And you
} can be sure she is using any Priapus products in private.
}
} You are best off leaving Frankie at FUC out of it, he's a bit
} "leery" if you catch my drift.
}
} Just have your sister buy your daughter a gift certificate to a
} high quality "Bachelorette" store and then don't open any packages
} she gets for the next few weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle some alone time with the catalogs that arrive
} in those packages.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that it is almost the Winter Equinox (December the 21st) what
> should I know about chemistry for my science exam? Because I heard that
> when they demoted Pluto and Neptune from being Planets they also
> demoted Plutonium and Neptunium from being Elements.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know Neon and Cobalt and Carbon and Fluorine,
} Iodine, Bromine, and Sulphur and Argon.
} But do you recall the most famous element of all?
}
} Radium the green-tinged element.
} Had a sickly greenish tinge.
} And if you ever saw it, you would even say,
} "I need to check into a hospital right away as I've clearly been
} exposed to unacceptable levels of radiation. IT GLOWS!".
} All of the other elements
} used to transmute and change their names.
} They never let poor radium
} join in any high-school chemistry experiments.
} Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say:
} Radium, with your glow so bright,
} won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
} Then all the elements loved him,
} and they shouted out with glee:
} Radium, the green-tinged element,
} you'll go down in history!
}
} You owe the Oracle some lead-lined gloves and the words to "I'm
} dreaming of a white Christmas, but preferably not one caused by a
} nuclear winter."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was waiting for the electrician, or someone like him. Do you like
> him? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. He's very bright. (I know that may come as a shock to you.)

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-04
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Not an actual question; just wanted to let you know that we've finally
> fixed that pesky misconfiguration issue that occasionally resulted in
> the email delivery being delayed by several days, all thanks to our
> software going nuts and throwing the messages into a good ol' UUCP
> routing loop.
>
> Oh, and happy new 1992!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, maybe it will work better than the old 1992.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few Wells.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-05
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 404 Question not found!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, skip it and go on to Question 405.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, could you write me a poem about lost love? It would make me
> feel much better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's love for his boat
} Was greater than that for his goat
}    Whose capricious jumping
}    The tiller was bumping
} And now it's no longer afloat.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are babies made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you tried asking your mother and your father, and then comparing
} their answers to see if there was any agreement on the process? Pay
} particular attention to the words that surround phrases such as "I'll
} never understand why I," or "wasn't my idea," "God's Green Earth," "why
} she said that she was when she wasn't," "he'd pull out before," "effing
} idiot," "never found out they weren't his," and "never again."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-08
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Watch this... Science... (assisted by mathematics)
>
> 1/2 divided by 1/4
>
> invert and multiply
>
> 1/2 multiplied by 4/1
>
> That's 2. TWO.
>
> So I have a half brother. His name is Dave.
>
> If I divide him by 1/4, which should obviously take three cuts,
> then Dave will be twins.
>
> Ain't science wonderful?????
>
> Someone once said, "There is something fascinating about science. One
> gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
> investment of fact."
>
> Most quotations claim the original speaker is Abe Lincoln, Mark
> Twain or Will Rogers. This time, though, I'll claim Ben Franklin,
> because I have $100 riding on the bet, and Ben's on the US $100 bill.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [This response about science has been censored by the United States
} Government]

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-09
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please do not answer this question. Answer something else instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - No, she's not.
} - Yes, he is.
} - Maybe they are.
} - Because I said so.
} - Only if Mummy says you can.
} - When Daddy's finished reading his paper, sweetie.
} - When a man and a woman love each other very much.
} - When a man and a man love each other very much.
} - When a woman and a woman love each other very much.
} - When the moon is full.
} - Over my dead body.
} - Never you mind why, just do it.
} - About two hours.
} - Ten minutes, if you peel it first.
} - For the children.
} - For the money.
} - For the LOLs.
} - With a carrot.
} - Without a cause.
} - In three years.
} - Twenty six miles exactly.
} - Three inches and 6 millimetres if you take the batteries out.
} - Stupidity.
} - Janet Jackson (assuming you don't count Steve Jobs).
} - Donald Trump (assuming you don't count).
} - The left-hand one is more expensive.
} - The right-hand one hangs lower.
} - Two artichokes, three salmon, and a polio vaccination
} - Discombobulated.
} - A fashion statement.
} - An accident in a fast-food restaurant.
} - A small nuclear missile and a full English breakfast.
} - Roses, unless it falls on a Thursday, in which case use a large
}   whiskey.
} - Ten kilometres south of Newcastle (Canada).
} - Two miles west of Newcastle (England).
} - Six yards below Newcastle city centre (Australia).
} - Perpetually.
} - Before swimming the Irish Sea.
} - After downing a six-pack of medium strength lager.
} - Only in France before dark.
} - The New York Yankees (or Manchester City, if you're Welsh).
} - Five seconds (not counting the run-up).
} - The Queen (all the others are comedians).
} - Bacteria (although walruses come a close second).
} - Every seventy-three years (if you water it).
}
} Excuse me, I have to answer my 'phone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a go on Final Jeopardy.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1570-10
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for the CORRECT names of religions entities. Jesus, for
> example. In the St. James Bible he is called Jesus, but the Peurto
> Riccans pronounce him Hay-soos and name all their children after him.
> It must get awful confusing if a Peurtoricdan guy hits his thumb with a
> hammer and yells HAY-SOOS and all the little children come running to
> laugh at him.
>
> What is YOUR name in Poerto-Rcidan or French or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The exhaustive* list of T.E.Oracle's names in all languages:
} Language Name
} English  Oracle
} French   Ouxracleur (pronounced just like in English)
} Russian  OH-RAH-KUHL (with a strong, rolled 'r')
} Japanese OH-LAH-KUH-LUH
} German   der/die/das Orakel (all articles are equally wrong)
} HTML     &oracle;
} Lojban   le xambebpij
}
} * exhaustive, as in pertaining to an exhaust system or it's exhaust

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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