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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get one of them Priapus High Breed Cars for my daughter she > says she needs one now that she is outta highschoool. Frankie's Used > Cars in town says he don'thave stuff like that an I don't have enuf > money anyways how can he tell? but I don't wanna spen more than $500 > for it because I don't have that kinda money like $30,0000 dollars.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think she wanted a Priapus High Speed Ride, not High Breed Car, } although it is not hard^H^H^H^Hdifficult to see the confusion. } } You, as the father of an older teenage daughter, are quite likely } very much in denial about the things she does privately. And you } can be sure she is using any Priapus products in private. } } You are best off leaving Frankie at FUC out of it, he's a bit } "leery" if you catch my drift. } } Just have your sister buy your daughter a gift certificate to a } high quality "Bachelorette" store and then don't open any packages } she gets for the next few weeks. } } You owe the Oracle some alone time with the catalogs that arrive } in those packages.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that it is almost the Winter Equinox (December the 21st) what > should I know about chemistry for my science exam? Because I heard that > when they demoted Pluto and Neptune from being Planets they also > demoted Plutonium and Neptunium from being Elements.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know Neon and Cobalt and Carbon and Fluorine, } Iodine, Bromine, and Sulphur and Argon. } But do you recall the most famous element of all? } } Radium the green-tinged element. } Had a sickly greenish tinge. } And if you ever saw it, you would even say, } "I need to check into a hospital right away as I've clearly been } exposed to unacceptable levels of radiation. IT GLOWS!". } All of the other elements } used to transmute and change their names. } They never let poor radium } join in any high-school chemistry experiments. } Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say: } Radium, with your glow so bright, } won't you guide my sleigh tonight? } Then all the elements loved him, } and they shouted out with glee: } Radium, the green-tinged element, } you'll go down in history! } } You owe the Oracle some lead-lined gloves and the words to "I'm } dreaming of a white Christmas, but preferably not one caused by a } nuclear winter."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was waiting for the electrician, or someone like him. Do you like > him? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. He's very bright. (I know that may come as a shock to you.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Not an actual question; just wanted to let you know that we've finally > fixed that pesky misconfiguration issue that occasionally resulted in > the email delivery being delayed by several days, all thanks to our > software going nuts and throwing the messages into a good ol' UUCP > routing loop. > > Oh, and happy new 1992!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, maybe it will work better than the old 1992. } } You owe the Oracle a few Wells.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 404 Question not found!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, skip it and go on to Question 405.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, could you write me a poem about lost love? It would make me > feel much better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's love for his boat } Was greater than that for his goat }    Whose capricious jumping }    The tiller was bumping } And now it's no longer afloat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are babies made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you tried asking your mother and your father, and then comparing } their answers to see if there was any agreement on the process? Pay } particular attention to the words that surround phrases such as "I'll } never understand why I," or "wasn't my idea," "God's Green Earth," "why } she said that she was when she wasn't," "he'd pull out before," "effing } idiot," "never found out they weren't his," and "never again."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Watch this... Science... (assisted by mathematics) > > 1/2 divided by 1/4 > > invert and multiply > > 1/2 multiplied by 4/1 > > That's 2. TWO. > > So I have a half brother. His name is Dave. > > If I divide him by 1/4, which should obviously take three cuts, > then Dave will be twins. > > Ain't science wonderful????? > > Someone once said, "There is something fascinating about science. One > gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling > investment of fact." > > Most quotations claim the original speaker is Abe Lincoln, Mark > Twain or Will Rogers. This time, though, I'll claim Ben Franklin, > because I have $100 riding on the bet, and Ben's on the US $100 bill.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [This response about science has been censored by the United States } Government]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please do not answer this question. Answer something else instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - No, she's not. } - Yes, he is. } - Maybe they are. } - Because I said so. } - Only if Mummy says you can. } - When Daddy's finished reading his paper, sweetie. } - When a man and a woman love each other very much. } - When a man and a man love each other very much. } - When a woman and a woman love each other very much. } - When the moon is full. } - Over my dead body. } - Never you mind why, just do it. } - About two hours. } - Ten minutes, if you peel it first. } - For the children. } - For the money. } - For the LOLs. } - With a carrot. } - Without a cause. } - In three years. } - Twenty six miles exactly. } - Three inches and 6 millimetres if you take the batteries out. } - Stupidity. } - Janet Jackson (assuming you don't count Steve Jobs). } - Donald Trump (assuming you don't count). } - The left-hand one is more expensive. } - The right-hand one hangs lower. } - Two artichokes, three salmon, and a polio vaccination } - Discombobulated. } - A fashion statement. } - An accident in a fast-food restaurant. } - A small nuclear missile and a full English breakfast. } - Roses, unless it falls on a Thursday, in which case use a large }   whiskey. } - Ten kilometres south of Newcastle (Canada). } - Two miles west of Newcastle (England). } - Six yards below Newcastle city centre (Australia). } - Perpetually. } - Before swimming the Irish Sea. } - After downing a six-pack of medium strength lager. } - Only in France before dark. } - The New York Yankees (or Manchester City, if you're Welsh). } - Five seconds (not counting the run-up). } - The Queen (all the others are comedians). } - Bacteria (although walruses come a close second). } - Every seventy-three years (if you water it). } } Excuse me, I have to answer my 'phone. } } You owe the Oracle a go on Final Jeopardy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for the CORRECT names of religions entities. Jesus, for > example. In the St. James Bible he is called Jesus, but the Peurto > Riccans pronounce him Hay-soos and name all their children after him. > It must get awful confusing if a Peurtoricdan guy hits his thumb with a > hammer and yells HAY-SOOS and all the little children come running to > laugh at him. > > What is YOUR name in Poerto-Rcidan or French or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The exhaustive* list of T.E.Oracle's names in all languages: } Language Name } English  Oracle } French   Ouxracleur (pronounced just like in English) } Russian  OH-RAH-KUHL (with a strong, rolled 'r') } Japanese OH-LAH-KUH-LUH } German   der/die/das Orakel (all articles are equally wrong) } HTML     &oracle; } Lojban   le xambebpij } } * exhaustive, as in pertaining to an exhaust system or it's exhaust