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Internet Oracularities #1571

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Internet Oracularities #1571
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2017 09:17:30 -0500 (EST)

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1571-01
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the French call enamel "email"? It is excessively confusing.
> Email is what I am using to send you this question, and it
> is certainly NOT enamel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's actually the origin of the term "email".
} Originally, messages over the internet were sent via the chattering
} of teeth to generate 1s and 0s.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A supplicant once asked a question
> To do with hypnotic regression
> The Oracle replied
> With advice that implied

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You think this will rhyme, but it won't."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-03
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nerves of solid rubber, quiet as a brass band, I sneak into the
> Oracle's private airport to borrow his jet plane. The ensuing disaster
> is going to be one helluva grovel.
>
> The jet's not there! What shall I do?
>
> Ha! Steal the helicopter.
>
> Lucky I saw that video, "How To Fly A Plane." It was about the Piper
> Cub, but there can't be that much difference.
>
> Start the engine. Main rotor spinning. Woppa woppa woppa. Tail rotor
> spinning. Guinea, Guinea, Guinea, Guinea, Guinea.
>
> Thousands of Italians tweeting at me, complaining about insults.
>
> Anyway, that's how I'm grovelling today.
>
> Pull this lever to go up, maybe.
>
> Oops.
>
> Fortunately I can swim.
>
> What is today's answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle dumps out a bucket of dice. You can't see how many there
} are, but a lot. And all covered in pictures.
}
} "Ahem, the augury of the bones shall now be read!" intones Zadoc in
} his squeaky voice.
}
} The Oracle begins picking up dice seemingly at random and rattles off:
} "A sea turtle wearing a bikini top eating a chicken drum stick will
} parachute into a pirate's chest containing a martini glass and an
} umbrella. A telephone call for death incarnate about basketball. A
} kitten on a rocking chair dreams of flamingos flying a spaceship.
} Dynamite!" Then with a sweep of his arm the rest of the dice are
} returned to the bucket.
}
} Zadoc scratches his chin for a little bit. Then the pimple pops and
} he stops. "Okay, so like the Oracle has Spoken. It seems perfectly
} clear to me the message is about a poorly dressed guy swimming outside
} the Temple, but he is a drunk guy who doesn't like to get wet. Thus
} Death will be 'dunking' him soon. The form of demise is poorly aimed
} model rocket which knocks a drone out of the sky and then the lithium
} batteries exploded on impact with the swimmer."
}
} Zadoc collects your wallet and hands you a reciept that says in big
} friendly letters:
}
}                    NO REFUNDS
}                   NO EXCHANGES

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-04
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was asking you about borons and why people always walk away when I
> start asking questions, especially about borons. You walked away
> instead of answering. That wasn't very good of you.
>
> Apparently I complain about allot of things. My dad says I always am
> complaining and I told him I don't like to listen to his complaints
> neither.
>
> Did you know that nobody understands borons, mostly? In nucular
> physics there are leptons (which everybody studies) and kleptons
> (which I stole from Charlie McNamuss who was sitting next to me in the
> exam).
>
> I think that Charlie wrote kleptons because he knew I was gonna copy
> his paper. I hate it when people do things like that! Anyway I flunked
> the exam and the Professor said I should take physics for poets
> because it is taught from a biology text about frogs, over in the
> criminal science department by a music instructor. But that guy, Mr.
> Phlubert, but everybody calls him Mr. Flute-o-phone, says there is no
> such thing as borons, so he is no help. He won't even let me write a
> poem about borons, not even the poem I stole from Suziey Magpie last
> seamster.
>
> Nobody wants to help me stop complaining, neither. How did you manage
> to stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, supplicant. Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant. There are so many,
} many wonderful ways to stop you from complaining. I'll just need you
} to sign this waiver first... and this insurance policy... and, waste
} not want not, this organ-donor card.
}
} "But," you're complaining (see!) now, "you're talking about killing me!"
}
} Well, yes, supplicant. That's how we'll stop you complaining.
}
} "But but but but," you continue to complain (sigh), "I technically
} didn't ask how *I* could stop complaining, I asked how *you* do it!"
}
} Well, supplicant, my dear dear supplicant, it's surprising how many of
} life's minor complaints softly vanish away when you're willing and
} able to kill every single one of the motherfuckers involved with no
} repercussions.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, honestly. Your satisfaction is all
} that matters.
}
} I'd hate to think you might have any complaints.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-05
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, it was all very simple each of us, five in our entire Modern
> Shakespeare class, were to take one of the plays and analyze it. The
> others got easy ones, like Hamlet or King Leer.
>
> I got Troilus and Cressida. It's a godddam "problem" play because
> nobody can tell if it's s'posed to be sad or funny.
>
> Worse, I spelled it Trellis and Creosote in my paper because I
> misbelieved stuff from my bootleg copy of MS Word. I should never have
> let my so-called friend Snarky near my computer at all. You would
> think I'd know by now not to trust anyone names Snarky, especially
> Snarky himself. I wonder what other garbage he installed.
>
> Anyway, my problem is how to get my grade of F exchanged with all the
> others. Every one of them got an A grade. My F sort of upsets the
> applesauce.
>
> What would you do? I at least want the other students to get my grade.
> I really want to give an F.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly your instructor has not thought through the clear implications
} of titling a course "Modern Shakespeare". One cannot take the old,
} unembellished, and quite frankly *pre*-modern language of the Bard and
} present it as *modern* without a substantial rewrite. This is how we
} get "Forbidden Planet" from "The Tempest"; "The Lion King" from
} "Hamlet"; and "10 Things I Hate About You" from "The Taming of the
} Shrew".
}
} The standard modern reinterpretation of "Troilus and Cressida" is
} "What would have happened to Romeo and Juliet if they lived?" but
} yours is an intriguingly different take. Rather than the Pythonesque
} Ms Creosote character, I suggest going to the tragic not Snarky end of
} the spectrum and resubmitting. If your reframe it in terms of the
} Second Gulf War, you can cast aspersions of your instructor being
} unpatriotic and point to the current political climate as the wrong
} time to be questioning if America is Great. With that career blackmail
} threat, you should be able to weasel your way up to at least a B.
}
} You owe the Oracle an adaption of "King Lear" with the Trump family
} substituted in.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-06
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh illustrious Oracle:
> The Byzantine empire ended in the 15h century. Do the "Modern Greek
> Studies" start around that epoch? Aka "How modern are Modern Greek
> Studies"?
>
> Also, why should I care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From what I remember of my college days, "Modern Greek Studies"
} involved a lot of red plastic cups and regret.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On March the 12pth are we losing an hour, or gaining a timezone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just setting the hour aside so it can get a nice nap for a few months.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry. Correction to previous question. "Condom" should be "condemn."
> Please supply revised answer.
>
> Also please confiscate and destroy my voice-to-text phone ap.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I'm rubber, you're glue" remains the correct answer to your ambiguous
} question regarding the damaged carpentry.
}
} You owe the Oracle an insurance premium.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-09
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just killed someone. How do we make this into a good murder mystery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are treading dangerously close to the partially forbidden questions
} about how an Omniscient Oracle (like me) can forget something so
} he can then be surprised by it later. Or asking for the list of the
} things that the Oracle doesn't know.
}
} Here's what you must do.
}
} ((1)) Go and un-kill your victim. (Be careful to effect an actual
} unkilling so you don't introduce hidden zombies into the plot.)
}
} ((2)) Get a job as the victim's butler.
}
} ((3]) Make everyone except one crucial but obscure relative forget
} your evil past.
}
} ((4)) Allow the obscure relative to become paranoid but with good
} reason.
}
} ([5)) Put the paranoid (necessarily afraid of hidden zombies) in
} charge of the rest of the plot.
}
} You owe the Oracle an escape plan.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1571-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Atheists don't believe in God. What do they believe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracles.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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