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22 Aug 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:42:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1573

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Internet Oracularities #1573
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2017 12:13:40 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
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For example:
   1573
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1573-01
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, you won the Lifetime Supply of Prepaid Mortuary Expenses.
> Congratulations, I guess.
>
> What on earth is an immortal being like you going to do with it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I keep killing time on these dang things....

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just invented concentrated water. Mere addition of water
> restores it to its former glorious and full goodness. This amazing
> breakthrough in science requires only your Oracular Expertise in
> marketing to bring it as a popular product to the people of the entire
> world.
>
> Please offer me your best advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to market this amazing invention is to package it
} into disposable cups with lids, like Chinese noodle soup.
} Make sure there is a mark on the side of the cup so people
} know how much water to add for the correct dilution ratio.
}
} Your next step should be inflatable air that can be sent up
} to astronauts or down to deep sea divers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand in taking out his disposable trash.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me design or build a solar-powered night light. I have a
> solar panel and it makes a bit of electricity and maybe it helps but
> it doesn't work at night. Please send me plans for a night light that
> will put out enough fake sunlight that I can use my solar panel at
> night.
>
> Oh and don't tell me about watts per square meter. I already have a
> electric meter and it is round.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd tell you to use battery, but you would probably just get charged.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-04
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ridiculous question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deadpan response.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-05
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I feel very religious today. What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sin. What's the use of religion if you don't have any sins to be
} forgiven?

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I followed the instructions for planting the money tree. I gave it
> care and love and fertilizer. Now I have problems. Weevils.
>
> There are weevils in the roots. Apparently I loved the tree too much,
> and put the wrong kind of fertilizer on its roots. The love of money
> gave the roots all the weevils.  Bugspray? To whom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just choose the lesser weevil.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-07
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy cow man! Why is that even an issue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You got a problem with Hinduism?

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As everyone knows, you are T. Internet Oracle, and I am J. Random
> Supplicant.
>
> Furthermore, we all know that the "T" in your name stands for "The".
>
> What the hell does the "J" in my name represent? Idiots everywhere are
> curious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.
}
} You are slow.
} You sometimes freeze and stutter for no reason.
} When you get confused, you start yelling a ton of meaningless garbage.
} When you arrive, you bring with you a bunch of difficult to get rid of
} parasites.
} Everyone considers you a big security risk.
}
} It should be obvious that you, supplicant, are written in Java.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-09
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Microsoft account
> Unusual sign-in activity
> We detected something unusual about a recent sign-in to the Microsoft
> account tellme@internetoracle.org. To help keep you safe, we required
> an extra security challenge. Sign-in details:
> Country/region: Romania
> IP address: 6.641.593.680
> Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2017 16:37:15 -0000
> If this was you, then you can safely ignore this email.
> If you're not sure this was you, a malicious user might have your
> password. Please review your recent activity and we'll help you take
> corrective action.
>
> Please check out attached document for further instructions.
>
> Thanks,
> The Microsoft account team

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, thank you, thank you.
}
} Zadoc had mistakenly clicked on an image of a W**dCh*ck that was
} holding a sign saying ZOT ME. It was of course a trap that released a
} pre-loaded virus that Zadoc had picked up while hiking the Indiana Alps
} last winter.
}
} I have told Zadoc that he must hang by his thumbs over the alligator
} pit, but as you know I would never do such a thing to him. Instead he
} will find himself going into the virtual w**dch*ck pen and removing the
} virus, bit by bit. It's 17 megabytes in size, so he will be busy for
} quite a while. Sort of like picking the sulfur atoms out of diesel
} fuel, to make low-sulfur diesel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of diesel-powered skis.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1573-10
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I not enjoy kissing her? I'm pretty sure I like girls as much as
> the next guy. Or the guy after him, if that's a more fitting example.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The whole situation is dreadfully more complicated than you
} let on.  She actually prefers the next guy, which is why she's
} rather inattentive to your osculatory exercises, leading to your
} dissatisfaction. The next guy, however, prefers the person to whom
} you refer as "the guy after him" who in turn doesn't prefer anyone
} except his 1948 MG TC.
}
} One can easily understand the affection for the TC, which is why I
} recommend that you get yourself one. If you cannot find one you like
} and can afford, go for a TD. They are slightly more available.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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