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Internet Oracularities #1574

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Internet Oracularities #1574
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2017 12:13:40 -0500 (EST)

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1574-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Remember when I mistakenly asked you about how to become a softwear
> developooper? Well, all that is behind me now. Because now I are one.
>
> Please give me REAL advice. That includes methods for representing ANY
> REAL NUMBER on the computer. The "real" numbers generally available are
> of limited precision, and are totally unable to represent
> transcendental numbers or even repeating fractions such as 0.333333333
> (etc). My particular need is to represent pi to the "e"th power, but I
> have lots of other transcendentals that need transcendentiation. Or
> whatever the correct word might be.
>
> Just so you won't worry excessively, I do NOT need to represent i to
> the "i"th power. I isn't real.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cantor? Euler? You barely know 'er!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Good Time with calculus and number theory.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-02
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please excuse my error where I misstated myself, saying "of bibulous
> proportions" when I meant "of Biblical proportions" when referring to
> my Uncle Milbort's famous Temperance Treatise of 1922. You've not
> provided an answer for that query yet, so I guess it got stuck in some
> misinformed incarnation's gizzard. You can help said misincarnation
> out by forwarding this missive. Or perhaps not.
>
> Back to real questions... What are the chances for the Red Sox this
> year? Will there be a Series against the Cubbies? How will it go?
>
> As you know, every year I go into Southie and take bets AGAINST the
> Sox getting into or winning the Series. All went pretty well until
> those three awwwwwwful years, 2004, 2007 and 2013. I did pretty well
> (except for getting beat up) until the disaster of 2004. Who would
> have guessed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It always confuses me when a disaster is described as of "Biblical
} proportions". Do they mean, "exagerated out of all proportion by
} someone who heard the story from their grandfather, who heard it from
} his grandfather, who was 3 at the time"?
}
} Anyway, the answer to that query is, no Milbort did not start a
} drunken riot which threatened the stability of America. He punched his
} own unshaven reflection and then blamed himself for the extinction of
} the Californian grizzly bear.
}
} The chances for the Red Sox in the Series are not good; I usually put
} mine in early on with the whites, the colours run, and I end up with
} pink shirts and socks. I assume the same thing happened to you in
} 2004, 2007, 2013, and someone beat you up for having poor fashion
} sense (pink socks with open-toed sandals? Appalling) Ideally you
} should change sports and put them in with the All Blacks.
}
} Against the Cubbies, though, who knows? Well, yes, I know, but I'm not
} telling. Let's just say that the post-match riot will be of bibulous
} proportions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Molly Pitcher.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-03
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help! I need more help than anyone can possibly give me, but I'm sure
> you are better than that, so please tell me how you will help me.
>
> Oh, and I know that you know my problem already, but maybe you don't.
> Praying to the Wrong God causes no end of trouble! I thought you were
> just being funny when you told me (back in 1406-06) about Cthulhu.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must say that I sympathise with the conservative,
} Cthulhu-worshipping media on this one. You must have known what you
} were getting into when you decided to write a parody of the musical
} South Pacific based in the South Pacific city of R'lyeh.
}
} I'm all for freedom of speech, but songs such as "I'm Gonna Wash the
} remains of that Human Sacrifice out of my Face-Feelers" was fairly
} offensive. Any suggestion that Cthulhu would not completely consume a
} sacrifice is appalling and unthinkable to the surviving relatives of
} the many sacrifices.
}
} It got worse with "Some Enchanted Spawning". There are certain
} factions within the Cthulhu worshipping community who associate with
} magic, but they are regarded as heretical by the mainstream. Cthulhu
} is not magic or supernatural, he is just a vast alien presence who is
} to be feared by all for his power to destroy the Earth.
}
} Matters came to a head, though, with the finale "Younger than Spring
} Fever". It is obvious, even to non-followers of Cthulhu, that he is
} one of the Great Old Ones and any suggestion that he was invented in
} 1928, in the year after the film Spring Fever was released is an
} abomination that cannot be tolerated.
}
} So, I completely understand why you are cowering under the stage,
} praying to Yahweh, as an enraged mob bays for your blood and calls
} upon Cthulhu to point you out to them.
}
} I'd love to help, but Cthulhu is one of my oldest friends, and I owe
} him one. You are a virgin aren't you? No? Well, you'll just have to
} find another willing sacrifice before the mob spot you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reprise of "There is Nothing Like a Damned Soul
} in Torment". That one was quite catchy.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-04
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Baboons. Please tell me that you get your worst questions from
> baboons. There has to be some sort of excuse, and it can't be that you
> have actual human supplicants who are that stupid.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, what do you know! You figured it out. The Internet Oracle is
} actually a massive psychological experiment about baboon intelligence.
} We have a number of baboon supplicants that we each placed in a sort of
} Truman-show like life simulation where they spend most of their time on
} the internet, plus a control group of similarly situated humans
} submitting questions. What we are really trying to find out is if we
} can trick baboons into thinking they are humans by engaging them in
} humorous online socializing.
}
} But hush, now, don't tell the other humans, or you will ruin it for
} everybody.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything this time. In fact, here's a free
} banana.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-05
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I ask a stupid question on Yahoo Answers, everyone and his
> brother jumps on me to tell me what an idiot I am. But when I ask YOU
> a stupid question, you are the only one to call me an idiot. How can I
> improve this situation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We gotta get you Digested. People will say what an idiot #1574-01 is.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-06
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Awwwwright, you explained to me about baboons and how they generate
> nearly all your questions.
>
> Now please tell me, how can the single, male baboon have any hope of
> locating and meeting girls? That'll be, "unattached female baboons,"
> just so you don't get any silly ideas. It's been my experience that
> the only other baboons I see around here are other unattached males.
> We male baboons are incredibly attracted to computers and
> Geeky-Internetly-Fiction stuff, female baboons far less so.
>
> What would you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depending on the local troop culture, baboons either have harems or
} matriline breeding.
}
} In the harem troops, the big strong male baboons grab as many females
} as they can control (typically no more than five) and control them.
} The males with harems will both attack other males who get too close
} and females that try to wander off. As a male attracted to computers,
} you are unlikely to be able to find an unattached female in these
} troops. Sorry, you'll need to stick to BornHub for br0n.
}
} In the matriline troops, females select mates based on which males do
} the most nice things, such as grooming, offering food, and providing
} child care. As a male attracted to computers, you have little food to
} offer, no time for child care, and no grooming skills to speak of. So
} it will be back to /r/BetaBaboon for you to moan about all successful
} males, sorry.
}
} Look, I guess you see the picture here now, even if you don't want to:
} declaring that females are far less attracted to computers ends up
} excluding them from computer activities, and then you shouldn't wonder
} why you never see any using computers.
}
} You owe the Oracle naming rights for your offspring after you rethink
} your computer opinions and web site choices.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-07
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the name of Man with No Name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-08
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There seem to be at least three pronunciations in English for iodine.
> They are EYE-OH-DYNE, EYE-OH-DEEN and EYE-OH-DINN.
>
> Of these, EYE-OH-DYNE (or, variously, EYE-UHH-DYNE) is by far the most
> popular among the general population.
>
> Popularity of an idea does not indicate correctness, of course, or
> else odd numbers would be more random than even numbers, and NYC would
> be the capital of NY State, and Chicago the capital of Illinois.
>
> From your own Oracular perspective (simultaneously rational,
> scientific and omniscient) what is the MOST CORRECT pronunciation of
> iodine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello? This Og. Oracle away on holiday. Og filling in for Oracle after
} long time. Og been away, being Oracle consultant. Better money than Og
} consoling Oracle. But Og miss hominid interaction. So Og now moonshine
} at Oracle again some time.
}
} Og like singing supplicant, singing make Og happy. Og know this song
} correct version, song go like this.
}
} EYE-OH-DINN, EYE-OH-DINN,
} EYE-OH-DINN BRING LISA GIN
}
} EYE-OH-DYNE,  EYE-OH-DYNE,
} EYE-OH-DYNE, BRING LISA WINE
}
} EYE-OH-DEEN,  EYE-OH-DEEN
} OUCH OG HEAD HURT, WHY OG IN PARKING LOT
}
} Now supplicant owe Og sing song, else Og will beat supplicant with new
} aluminium club.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-09
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this AMAZING idea for a story. Maybe a film or a TV show or
> writing a book, if anyone reads any more. So there's this evil
> scientist and he gathers body parts and sews them together into
> something that looks amazingly and vaguely human and he gathers
> lightning bolts like Back To The Furniture, and the monster COMES TO
> LIFE and terrorizzes all the villages and finally gets wiped out in
> some way I have not thought of yet.
>
> How should I get rid of the monster?
>
> And can you help me be successful with it so I can be rich and promise
> you all sorts of unscene tribute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, perhaps the scientist cannot, for some reason, find a decent pair
} of hands, so he uses scissors instead. The monster, because of its
} scissor-hands, is generally clumsy but displays a remarkable aptitude
} for one particular skill: Whaling. Using its scissor-hands as harpoons,
} it goes on whaling trips, but gets wounded by a particularly big white
} whale. This causes the monster to become obsessed with finding the
} whale, and in preparation for its anticipated new confrontation, runs
} through the entire country. This attracts the cheer of almost all of
} America, at which point the British royals summarily die in an accident
} and an astute tv-watcher notices the stark resemblance between the
} monster and the Queen. It turns out it is a distant relative and now
} heir to the throne. The British, being British, coronate it with all
} protocol, but its awkward speech about the dangers of Wales is
} misunderstood and ill-received. Wales rises in rebellion, overthrows
} the monarchy and their leader, who happens to have red scissors for
} hands, kills the monster in an epic fight with glowing sword,
} explaining to the monster that he has the moral high ground and
} therefore cannot lose.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1574-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me more about the nuculous of the nucular family. What holds them
> together? I think it it like electricity where like charges like each
> other, like friending on factbook but different, and different
> chargers unfriend each other. Please tell me it's true I already
> handed in the take-home exam I hope I don't hafta get it from the pile
> on the desk it must be too high and tip over expect to find it on the
> bottom. And re-do it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coming soon on Netflix, it's the sitcom everyone's been waiting for,
} it's The Standard Model Family.
}
} Starring:
}
} Zooey Deschanel as the goofy weirdo college kid, Strange.
} David Hyde Pierce as the extremely rich uncle Top.
} Will Smith as the down-on-his-luck, lazy younger brother, Bottom.
} Kate McKinnon as the loveable hyperactive older sister who's always in
} a spin, Up.
} Tommy Lee Jones as the cynical grandfather, Down.
} Neil Patrick Harris as the beguiling confidence trickster who becomes
} a family friend, Charm.
}
} Also starring Morgan Freeman as the voice of morality, the local
} Catholic priest, Fr Higgs (he gives good Mass).
}
} The pilot (wave) episode involves Bottom and Up starting as interns at
} Top's advertising and public relations firm Yang Mills, while Charm
} pretends to have been offended by the firm's latest ad campaign and
} seeks compensation. Meanwhile, Strange is working for a small funeral
} parlour and crematorium which needs to improve its public image via a
} Twitter campaign and engages Yang Mills.
}
} Hilarity results when Top tries to sack Bottom for not coming to work
} on time, and Up copies the e-mail into the crematorium's Twitter feed,
} "We're firing you for being late".
} Charm is found out by Strange's detective work in realising that the
} name he's using belongs to a recently decreased client of theirs, Down
} utters his catchphrase, "I told you this would happen", and Fr Higgs
} explains patronisingly that what we've all learned is that everyone
} should pay more attention to the little things in life.
}
} Oh, and this dysfunctional group of people is kept together by colour,
} proving that multiculturalism works.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get the script past the cosmic censorship
} hypothesis.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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