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Internet Oracularities #1576

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Internet Oracularities #1576
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2018 19:58:23 -0500 (EST)

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1576-01
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I guess I should thank you, even though you were nearly no help at
> all.
>
> I asked you "where are my eyeglasses?" and you said this:
>
>  "I don't know. Why don't you try looking for them? Hmm. Maybe you
> can't do that without already having them. They'll probably be in the
> last place you look, like maybe on top of your head or in the fridge
> or something. What do you think I am, omniscient or something?"
>
> Well, I had so very much been thinking you were omniscient. It's not
> like you aren't an Oracle. An Omniscient Internet Oracle with
> Mysterious Powers that even an Oracle would be hard pressed to
> explain. I thought you knew nearly everything.
>
> I looked all through the sofa. In the sofa. Behind the sofa. Inside
> the old sofa cushions that I put in the attic last year. Under my bed.
> In the doghouse. In the kitchen drawer that is full of godnosewhat.
> Everywhere.
>
> I got tired, and decided it was time for a beer.
>
> There in the fridge were my eyeglasses!
>
> In some parts of the world people drink warm beer and presumably never
> find their eyeglasses.
>
> Perhaps you would care to tell me why my eyeglasses were in the
> fridge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are obviously confusing them with Beer glasses.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They're here again. Paranoids. They hide so I can't see them but they
> are watching me all the time. Maybe they watch you, too. They even
> hide in my bathroom and watch me when I, when I do whatever I am
> doing.
>
> I think one of them hides in the clothes dryer and eats socks.
>
> How do you keep paranoids out of YOUR clothes dryer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It may reassure you to know that socks do not dissappear because
} paranoids are eating them.
}
} Remember that the universe prefers a state of Entropy (remember in this
} case, entropy does not mean 'disorder' but equilibrium,
} http://www.science20.com/train_thought/blog/entropy_not_disorder-75081)
}
} Now, as far as we know at least in the general area of Earth, that this
} planet is the ONLY one to have socks.  In a way, we are 'high sock
} energy' area (HSE), compared to most of the nearby space, which is 'low
} sock energy' (LSE).
}
} Just as heat/energy attempts to flow from high areas to low areas, so
} do socks. But since socks are macro items (That is, large), they cannot
} just 'move' on their own like energy through particles or anything like
} that.
}
} Instead, what happens is when they are excited into a higher state of
} energy (such as in a dryer), they spontaneously vanish, to assumably
} reappear somewhere else that is a LSE area.  Therefore, nothing is
} eating your socks, but they are simply attempting to establish sock
} equilibrium across the entire Universe.
}
} You could I suppose, name the phenomenon of them vanishing as
} 'paranoids'. I personally just use a dryer sheet though and regularily
} sweep under the bed.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-03
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)" <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my Horsey Bar horseradish flavored chocolate bombing?
> Shouldn't hipsters love it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chocolate bombing is a known difficulty. Our diligent crew of
} Equestrian Engineers, hipsters one and all, are working right now on
} the problem. The apparent difficulty is a confusion over radishes
} versus radixes. Your recipe used 13 radishes, which becomes radix 13,
} according to the aforementioned hipsters, most of whom tried majoring
} in mathematics before they tried weed and flunked out.
}
} You owe the Oracle an alternative solution to your problem, in which
} you use Knuth's quater-imaginary numeral system, where the radish is
} 2i.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's Xhristmas time here in Biloxi, and Onkel Jens who migrated here
> from back home in Minnesota 60 years ago, when it was still popular to
> do that sort of thing is planning to celebrate in the usual style. He
> is going to get schlonkkered by drinking far too much "snaps" or
> "akvavit" or "aquawit" or whatever name he is calling it this year.
> Usually he says, "It's good stuff. You want some? Yust try it. Yust a
> little. Good for you. Werry good for you."
>
> I tried it once and my brain exploded out through my sinuses.
>
> Once Onkel Jens gets schnokkered on that horrid Swedish booze there in
> no telling what he is going to do next. Last year he was trying to hug
> the Xhristmas tree. What will he do this year? I want to be prepared.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortunately for you I have found the police report sent through time
} from the night of Jens' arrest.
}
} -- Report Begins --
}
} The suspect was first drawn to my attention when his pick-up truck
} reversed past me at 30 miles per hour. This surprised me as I was on
} the police harbour patrol boat at the time. It transpired that he had
} attached himself to the Queen Elizabeth Cruise ship in an attempt to
} arrest the Queen Elizabeth for, in his words, "disrespecting the
} democratic process and stuff". On being informed that this was a ship
} and not the Queen of England, he replied, "yeah, but it's a symbol of
} an authoritarian diktat, innit, which is diametrically opposed to the
} natural born right of all free-willed humanity to determine their own
} destiny and better themselves without being oppressed by a non-elected
} oligarchy".
}
} On returning Mr Jens to shore, his truck turned out to contain:
} Twelve clones of Ringo Starr,
} Eleven experts in cake decoration (very good at piping icing)
} Ten peers of the realm (all hopping mad),
} Nine dancing girls,
} Eight wives of rich husbands, milking it for all they were worth,
} Seven ballet dancers from Swan Lake,
} Six Cockney geezers alloying copper and zinc to form brass,
} A copy of the Olympic Games logo,
} Four clones of Adele calling her ex, going, "Hello".
} Three 'N's from the sign for the French restaurant Le Bernardin, New
} York City. Two complete bars of Dove soap,
} and Alan Partridge straddled between a pair of Norfolk beeches.
}
} Unfortunately, while I was attempting to explain to the eighth Mr
} Starr that he still wasn't the best drummer in the Beatles, Mr Jens
} escaped as I had omitted to confiscate his mobile phone, and he had
} called an Uber.
}
} Ten minutes later, I re-apprehended Mr Jens and informed him that the
} plastic Rudolph did not need to be 'freed from the reins of
} human-servitude and helped to lead a natural life in the wild'.
} However, while I was handcuffing Mr Jens, the Santa sleigh that
} Rudolph was attached to broke loose and went back down the hill
} towards the harbour. As I had managed to handcuff Mr Jens to the
} sleigh, he followed it, somewhat unwillingly.
}
} Using my detective skills, I followed the trail of destruction until I
} found the sleigh parked on top of a fire hydrant, and Mr Jens
} attempting to tear down a nearby Christmas tree. He seemed to be
} singing 'O Tannenbaum' but in his inebriated state was confusing it
} with 'The Red Flag', as he interspersed the tuneless rendition with
} shouts of, "Why must I be a Communist?"
}
} Mr Jens was eventually persuaded to come quietly by giving him a
} lighted candle to hold, although I believe he was murmuring, "Soon I
} will set you free to burn the world."
}
} By this point, Mr Jens appeared to be sobering up, and was now more
} concerned about the poor turkey he'd eaten for Christmas dinner, and
} how its children were going to survive.
}
} I hope that this report goes some way to excuse my failure to stop the
} smuggling of 100,000 gallons of eggnog from the harbour yesterday
} evening.
}
} -- Report Ends --
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 gallons of eggnog.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-05
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'd like to thank you for your support of our group, Hire The Morally
> Handicapped. They report tremendous pleasure at serving as your
> Incarnations. Please continue to use them any time you need additional
> additions to your crew.
>
> How many do you need for the Christmas Rush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Five. Trump, Bannon, May, Johnson, and Putin asked for time off over
} Christmas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kim Jong Un impersonator and Donald Trump's
} telephone number.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-06
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Logic time. Again.
>
> When I said, "This time I won't lie to you and tell you that my
> brother's name is Ferdinand Z. PoochWilliam," did I actually intend to
> have said, "This time I won't lie to you OR tell you that my brother's
> name is Ferdinand Z. PoochWilliam?"
>
> Logical minds want to know. (Me, too.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, logic, the refuge of the coward, or possibly the cow-herd.
}
} True/False logic is known as Boulean logic, and can be modelled by a
} game of boules, leading to the well-known saying that logic is all a
} load of balls.
}
} All logic statements can be represented by conjunctions of Nan
} operations, such as, "If all men are mortal and Plato is mortal, then
} I might as well have a nice sit down and a cup of tea; your
} grandfather used to get mortally drunk, did I ever tell you about the
} time..."
}
} However, any system of logic can be shown to lead to statements whose
} veracity cannot be proven or disproved. This is known as the Girdle
} Incompleteness Theorem, which explains why my trousers keep falling
} down.
}
} Thus we come to your original question, which requires an object
} called a truth table to unpack. Flat-pack truth tables can be bought
} from Ikea, usually called Porglyk or Jurdle. They're quite hard to put
} together, even with the use of Alan's key (A flat minor, in case you
} want to know, since it's quite hard to find Alan these days).
}
} I need to explain to you that your brother's name is not "Ferdinand Z.
} Poochwilliam", it's actually "For dee Negative-AND, Zee Pooch will
} IAM", which means that if you demonstrate the universality of NAND,
} your dog will eat his Iams dog food. It also means that your brother
} has picked up a cod German accent (which seems very fishy).
}
} So, in conclusion, you weren't lying, even if you were wrong, which
} seems to be all the defence you need in this political climate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Ockham's razor; my beard seems to be
} multiplying needlessly.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to convince my brother that Mr. & Mrs. MacBeth's
> dog Spot is definitely NOT the same dog as Hamlet's Great Dane? (As
> Mrs. MacBeth said, "Out, damned Spot!") (She really hated that dog.)
>
> Oh, and while we are at the job, what about Hamlet's "melon" Collie? A
> rather fruity dog. My brother's confused about that dog, too.
>
> All the help you can offer is far more than I deserve. Doubly more than
> my brother deserves.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, your brother is correct. In the original performances,
} the same dog had a starring role in both of Shakespeare's plays. In
} fact it was a stray that had wandered in off the street, but it was
} around and got worked into the scripts. Much like the bear costume
} that had to make an appearance in The Winter's Tale.
}
} Anyway, when Francis Bacon edited the plays, he removed references to
} the dog, perceiving that later audiences would not understand it.
} Unlike the rest of Shakespeare's humour. So, for the first time, I can
} present some famous passages that had to be edited:
}
} From Macbeth, when the stray had deposited a gift on stage:
} Is this a dog-turd which I see before me,
} Still warm, and the pointy bit toward my hand? Come, let me bag thee.
} I touch thee not, and yet I smell thee still.
} Art thou not, foul mess, sensible
} To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
} A dog-turd of the mind, a false excretion,
} Proceeding from the still heated bum?
}
} From Hamlet:
} Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. OY, bring that skull back you
} infernal dog!
} Toby, or is it not Toby, I can never remember the blasted thing's name.
}
} From Richard III:
} Some horse-meat, some horse-meat, my kingdom for some horse-meat! This
} dog hasn't been fed in a week.
}
} From A Midsummer Night's Dream:
} You spotted snakes with double tongue,
} Thorny hedge-hogs, be not seen;
} Newts, and blind-worms, do no wrong;
} And will someone throw a bucket of water over those two dogs?
}
} You owe the Oracle an interpretation of The Taming of the Shrew for
} feminist pet-shop owners.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can the can-can can can can-can cans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That that is is that that is not is not is not that it it is.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Life becomes difficult. Eating apples to keep doctors away was easy
> when it was merely Hartnell and Troughton. Do you know how much havoc
> occurs in my digestive system when I cram in 13, THIRTEEN, that's XIII
> in Latin, apples a day?
>
> Please give me some other plan. And besides, who would want to keep
> Jodie Whittaker away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doctorate, ex I I I
} is nothing to the wanward eye
} sed inflagrante, doctorat
} Will multiply like mouse or cat
} Et in flagrante reposam
} Until the Quack awakes
} "puellam canto"
} Oh, what a Panto!
} Multiplex puellam et nullam Romanis
} what else can I say lest my
}  tempus fugitamus
} Back to the hole
} Where the
} Doctor
} had
} come.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1576-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Make money while you sleep! Do you dream of having enough money? So do
> I, and so does everyone.
>
> Send a dollar to Dollar-A-Dream and I will make money while you sleep.
> Share with your friends!
>
> After 1000 dreams you, too, will make money dreaming. What could be
> better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once, when I was dreaming, heard a dream while softly sleeping
} In my mesmiamic slumber it would nearly tide me under
} was it Gerald Manley Hopkins with his riffing rhymes repassing? No!
} A supplicant had waked me from my slumber everlasting
}
} So I woke to this much furrow, and my head I had to burrow
} For these facts to thence provide, I turned, it curdled my inside
} What would witchwood rather sole me? What on earth could then console
} me? Would I get my reverie? I had a dream till then was asked me
}
} By a rhythm or a poke, some external then bespoke,
} What is hundred of them would you? As if one was not so good, no>
} Make the tryptich take the rhyme choose your neat iambic time
} You can vary if you wish, it need not be syncopated
} You can stun
} Like a gun
} Changing the rhythm scheme (be prepared to run)
}
} But you come to what is best, what with Hopkins it is this way
} one two emphasis on three and it goes THERE again you see
} So three feet a metre make, Hopkins' poetry you take
} You can make one or a hundred just by following what I did

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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