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Internet Oracularities #1577

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Internet Oracularities #1577
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2018 20:31:33 -0500 (EST)

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1577-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm so depressed. All the girls I've asked out say the same thing:
> "leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are fans of William Shakespeare. Expound immediately with
} Portia's speech, "The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth
} as the gentle rain from heaven." (Act IV, Scene 1) Compare
} Deuteronomy 32:2.
}
} Tell those girls about Portia. You have a choice of several ways:
}
} 1. "I'll go out with Portia instead, and THEN you'll be sorry!"
}
} 2. Or with Mercy instead of Portia.
}
} 3. Explain the meaning of "strained" and how it has nothing to do the
} current situation, or with kitchen utensils.
}
} 4. Bring up the Authorship Question. If not Shakespeare from
} Stratford, then WHOM WROTE IT? (Always use WHOM, not who, because it
} makes you look more refined or restrained or something.) Marlow?
} Oxford? Bacon? Hamm? The possibilities are nearly endless.
}
} 5. Offer them a ride in your Porsche. Remember that it's pronounced
} Portia, not porch.
}
} 6. Return to the Authorship Question, but this time focus more
} precisely on Roger Bacon (1214-1292). How could he have written
} Shakespeare's works while he was dead? Go on at length about Raising
} The Dead and your serious desire to re-establish a truly loving bond
} without restraint.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In honour of my favourite Oracle I have decided to improve the English
> language.
>
> You've already seen the wacky proposals to eliminate unnecessary
> letters such as X and Q.
>
> But I go much further beyond all that, and propose that the letter O
> (as in Oracle) by the Only Letter.
>
> Oo oooo o ooooo ooo o oooooooo, oo oooo oooo oooo oooo!
>
> Oo ooo ooooo oooo oo o oooo oooo? Oo ooo, oooo ooooo o oo ooooooo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I tried that, but it made me...morose.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-03
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am interested in pre-archeological posthumanism. Please tell me
> about Francis (Roger) Bacon. In particular, why was he so unsure of
> his name? Nobody in any of the biographical material I've seen so far
> has reconciled the man with his Alternate Person, or the other way
> around.
>
> You, my Dear Oracle, founder of the College of Things We Never
> Expected, know everything I need to know and a whole lot more.
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The works of Francis Roger Bacon include a sonnet "Opus Maius",
} addressed to his cat, a treatise "Novum Organum", mostly concerned
} with the need for more roomy trousers, and a demonstration that the
} world is entirely covered by dry land, contradicted by the explorer
} Columbo who, on setting sail on what Bacon had proved was not water,
} with the famous words, "Just one more thing".
}
} Bacon, also known by his official title of Earl of Lettuce, Tomato,
} and Sandwich, had varied interests. He studied Law, Alchemy, and
} Linguistics, and came up with the theory that if you talk about
} anything for long enough, the judge will fall asleep and you will get
} lots of gold in legal fees.
}
} His personal life is shrouded in mystery, although rumours that he was
} gay are confounded by his close reliance on the works of Grosseteste
} (or, "ugly scrotum").
}
} F.R. "Fryer" Bacon died in 1532, most probably as the result of trying
} to stuff a fowl with gunpowder, whereupon it exploded, ironically
} singeing the final pages of his "History of Life and Death".
}
} You owe the Oracle the biography of Captain James Robert Hooke, who
} demonstrated that a watch can be pulled back out of a crocodile if the
} chain has not reached its elastic limit.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-04
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The assignment was to get a photograph of an imaginary number. I don't
> have an imaginary camera. Please tell me what to do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Trick question. Everyone knows you don't need an imaginary camera,
} just imaginary film in an ordinary camera. Then set the aperture to
} f/0, the rangefinder to infinity, the white balance to White Out(TM),
} and the shutter speed to methamphetamine. After photographing,
} develop with bath salts and fix in any qualified mechanic's shop.
} Print on acidified blotter paper, and finally place under tongue.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new flash. This Adobe one is buggy.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellme, Orrie, a sad, sad, story.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time there was a sad Oracle lurking quietly in the fourth
} sub-basement of the mathematics building at Indiana University. An
} undergraduate named Kinzler discovered him, and for a while the rest
} was history. Fame appeared, and Fortune beckoned. Excitement and
} happiness for half of Eternity were the order of the day.
}
} Alas, all was fleeting. Nostrilbook, Elbowbook, Eyelashbook, and
} various other Anatomy-shaped social media appeared, and stole the
} Oracle's necessity for being.
}
} The Oracle now lurks in Kinzler's bedroom closet, sad and lonely.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new friends.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me again how people lived backwards in BC times. It must of
> been awful confusing. "Next year, little Julie, you will be V years
> old. Yes, it is now the year XCVI and next year will be the year XCV,
> and you are wondering how we can lose a year and gain a year at the
> same time. Just pretend it has something to do with how we subtract by
> putting numbers backwards like VI for six and IV for four. IV is really
> not the same thing as ivy, no matter what they are doing in England.
> And I'de avoid marching to England or anywhere else. And stop iacting
> your alea around. Now be a good boy and eat your polenta. No, you can't
> have spaghetti instead. We don't have spaghetti yet. Won't until maybe
> the year MCCLXXXII. You'll have to wait. Now eat. Your polenta's
> getting cold."
>
> They really went from XCVI to XCV without blinking an eyebrow. How did
> they do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .dictionary english-heptapod a oracle the owe You
}
} .it see to ways other are there promise I but ,direction one in time of
} perception your solidify clocks The .be to used there than now clocks
} more lot a are there since you for time more little a take might it
} ,this understood Romans The .trivial almost is forwards or backwards of
} question simple a ,time nonlinear with interact and perceive to ability
} the have you when ,see You

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-07
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought I had more questions about the moon, but now I see that it's
> just the same ones, only in a different frame of reference. Or maybe a
> different refrigerator.
>
> Still, I want you to tell me, if the moon is 24 times as big, why is it
> only 3 and a 1/2 times as far away?
>
> Please, I know that you were thinking of locking me up, after those
> horrid questions about giving proper names like Fred Quogly or Mortimer
> Morttimer to the banana peels and peach pits in my trash compactor.
> I've retracted those questions, and all that's left is the recycled
> ones about the moon. And an obscure reference to Lundgren's "Take the
> 'A' Train".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle
} 'Pushing upward, creating success from the source.
} Make use of seeing great people.
} Do not worry.
} Set forth to the south, good fortune.'
} The old Chinese character for 'Pushing Upward' shows a small ladle
} used to measure out offerings and official salaries. It suggests
} a step-by-step ascent, one measure at a time. This is a vigorous,
} active time. Come from the source of inspiration and involve it in
} your work. Make good use of seeing great people, whether in the flesh
} or with your inner vision, to charge you with the energy to begin
} your ascent. Use them to inspire you with a vision of possibilities,
} and for information and help on how to move on upward.
} Hard work and steep slopes lie ahead, but the oracle reassures you
} that you need not worry or doubt. Instead, set your face to the
} south, as the ruler does: align your initiatives with the natural
} order (which can be read in the stars and the compass), and set
} out towards warmth, light and activity.
} Image
} 'Centre of the earth gives birth to wood: Pushing Upward.
} A noble one with patient character
} Builds up small things to attain the high and great.'
} Sequence
} Pushing Upward follows from Hexagram 45, Gathering:
} 'Assembling and moving higher is called Pushing Upward, and so Pushing
} Upward follows.'
} Changing Lines
} Line 3
} 'Pushing upward in the empty city.'
} Line 4
} 'The king makes offerings on Mount Qi.
} Good fortune, no mistake.'
} The Oracle asks you to return to your room, it's time for your
} therapy session.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Internet Oracle, will I defeat my enemies and ultimately prove
> victorious?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You will die. The potion of immortality that I sold you was a hoax.
}
} Fear not, though, for in your journey you will provide extra material
} for the phrase, "Snatching defeat from the Jaws of Victory."
}
} Oh, don't forget, you still owe the Oracle your lifetime payments for
} that potion.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-09
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ummm, that was supposed to be "anticipation" and not "constipation"
> in the question that I asked you, oh when was that????? OMG, seven
> blinking years ago!!!!!!!
>
> Look, why don't you simply accept my admission of my ridiculous
> questions from back then as evidence that I grovel to you every time
> I see myself in the mirror and also every time that I don't. Constant
> grovellling. No need to repeat it every time.
>
> Please name six impossible things I can believe before breakfast.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not butter
} I'm walking on air
} Life after love
} Somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows
} They put a man on the moon
} George isn't at home

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1577-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excessively silly question.
>
> Almost forgot ... ridiculously lame grovel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Droll concise answer.
}
} Pithy, appropriate debt imposed.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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