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Internet Oracularities #158

Goto:
158, 158-01, 158-02, 158-03, 158-04, 158-05, 158-06, 158-07, 158-08, 158-09, 158-10


Usenet Oracularities #158    (16 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 16 May 90 11:33:58 -0500

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158   16 votes 03238 15820 22642 52450 44512 36511 14740 35530 23353 12643
158   2.9 mean  4.0   2.7   3.1   2.6   2.6   2.4   2.9   2.5   3.2   3.4


158-01    (03238 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, now, this is completely hypothetical of course, but you know how
> on those audience-participation talk shows, like Donahue and Geraldo,
> they have these doctors and their patients that have these problems,
> like, just for example, they like to dress up as cowboys and dance the
> lambada with live catfish, and the people on the show take phone calls
> answer people's questions?  Well, just supposing that one day a person
> was to call one of those shows and talk about this problem they had and
> then realized that they'd dialed the wrong number and the guy on the
> other end had bought that service that tells them what the caller's
> phone number is, and they wanted to blackmail the person--what could the
> person do about it?  Just hypothetically.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > KICK TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} The talk-show host nimbly dodges your blow.
}
} > SAY "I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY".
}
} The talk-show host ignores your feeble pleading.
}
} The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail.
}
} > ATTACK TALK-SHOW HOST WITH BROADSWORD.
}
} The broadsword crumbles before the host's withering glare.
}
} The talkshow host offers you $200 to dress up as a catfish and dance the
} lambada with live cowboys.
}
} > SHOOT TALK-SHOW HOST WITH SHOTGUN.
}
} The shotgun seems to be made of tin.
}
} The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail.
}
} > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You don't have any incriminating photographs!
}
} > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} The talk-show host is extremely photogenic.
} The talk-show host smiles.
} The talk-show host poses.
}
} > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST
}
} The photographs are not incriminating.
}
} > DROP LISA.
}
} As you put Lisa down, she leaps at the talk-show host.
} Lisa starts tearing the host's clothes off.
}
} > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You are out of film.
} Lisa and The talk-show host are boinking like crazed badgers on the
} floor.  Lisa has an orgasm.
}
} > INVENTORY
}
} You have:
} - a press card
} - a whip
} - a source license
} - a political party
} - a keg
} - a handbag
} - a rowboat
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are humping like crazed humans on the floor.
} Lisa has 11 orgasms.
}
} > ASK POLITICAL PARTY FOR MORE FILM.
}
} The political party has no film.
} The political party lectures you: the Russians are tapping your phone!
} The political party lectures you: Nerd Power!
} The political party lectures you: the system staff is fascist!
} The political party lectures you: ban abortion!
} The political party lectures you: Legalize Abortion for Whales!!
} The political party lectures you: Ladies Against Women!
} The political party lectures you: 2, 4, 6, 8, we don't want to
}                                     differentiate!
} The political party lectures you: technology is evil!
} The political party lectures you: Clthulhu Saves!
} The political party lectures you: people are dying every day!
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are screwing like crazed scorpions on the
} floor.  Lisa has 12 orgasms.
}
} > LOOK IN HANDBAG.
}
} The handbag contains:
} - a dog
} - a roll of film
} - a helmet
} - a Death Star
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are fucking like crazed frogs on the floor.
} Lisa has 81 orgasms.
}
} > TAKE FILM OUT OF HANDBAG.
}
} You now hold a roll of film.
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are loving like crazed lemurs on the floor.
} Lisa has 182 orgasms.
}
} > PUT FILM IN CAMERA.
}
} The film is in the camera.
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are boffing like crazed buffalo on the
} floor.  The talk-show host has an orgasm.
} Lisa has 412,184,145,858,884 orgasms.
} A puddle fills the studio.
}
} > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You photograph the talk-show host.
} Lisa runs off in search of another lover.
} The talk-show host puts his clothes back on.
}
} > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You forgot to take the lens-cap off!
} Your photographs are worthless.
} The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000.
}
} > ATTACK THE TALK-SHOW HOST WITH WHIP.
}
} The whip has been soaked by Lisa's puddle!
} The talk-show host tries to interview you.
}
} > TAKE DEATH STAR OUT OF HANDBAG.
}
} You now hold the Death Star.
} The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000.
}
} > FIRE PHOTON TORPEDOES AT THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} The photon torpedoes bounce off of the host's highly artificial hairdo.
}
} > QUIT
}
} You quit with a score of 412 out of 107385.  This puts your rank at
} "Blackmail sheep."


158-02    (15820 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle divine, who could make a fortune by permitting the masses to
> kiss his butt for money, but declines to do so for fear of infecting
> them with all kinds of nasty diseases, including AIDS, pray tell this
> poor ignorant fool, whose mother tongue is not English, whose dictionary
> is is defective to this respect and who doesn't know any citizens of the
> USA this:  what does the word 'geeky' mean?  I have met it only twice,
> both times in your oracularities and both times referring to members of
> your priesthood, so it *must* be a word full of infinite meaning and
> understanding.
> You can answer in Dutch if you want to.  I put my questions in English
> only for the convenience of your priesthood which, I gather, comes from
> the USA and so naturally speaks only the basics of one language.  Suit
> yourself by all means.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will address your question in English for the benefit of
} the rest of the Oracle readers, the majority of which claim English
} as their mother tongue.
}
} "Geeky" comes from the Latin "Gee", which means good or positive, and
} from the Japanese "Ki" which means energy.  "Geeky", then, means good
} internal energy.  People who are "Geeky" are typically happy,
} energetic types who seem to be overflowing with internal feelings.  As
} a side effect, however, "Geeky" people often exhibit lack of control
} over their body (clumsiness), and/or visual impairments - causing the
} need for thick glasses with tape around the nose area.  Since most of
} society doesn't exhibit such behavior, "Geeky" people don't tend to
} fit in well in most social circles.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pen protector.


158-03    (22642 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, many pigs will be sacrificed in your honor
> if but one witty response can derive from my question!  I beg to know
> why, when I buy a pizza, and the guy on the phone says, "That'll be
> $15," and then when we go get it, they charge up $19?  Why, why?  O,
> woe...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Pizza is $15.
} The Pizza Service User's Fee (PSUF) is $2.20
} The Pizza Parlor Access Charge (PPAC) is $1.81
} The Universal Circular Food With Hot Cheese Surtax (UCFWHCS) is $1.19
} The Extra Fee The Pizza Parlor Adds To Insure Against Big Fat Guys
}    With Severe Body Odor Sitting On Your Pizza By Accident
}    (EFTPPATIABFGWSBOSOYPBA) is $3.12 (for a large pizza).
} The Surcharge For Not Putting Cyanice, Arsenic, and Hydrofluoric Acid On
}    Your Pizza, No Matter How Much We'd Like To Because We Think That You
}    Are An Ugly Obnoxious  Geek (SFNPCAHAOYP/nmhmwltbwttyaauog) is $1.10
} The Voluntary Contribution To The International Pizza Grower's Organ-
}    ization (VCTTIPGO) is $.95.  It is "voluntary" in the sense that, if
}    you don't want to pay it, you can get in your car and drive at 95 mph
}    in the opposite direction, and after twenty or thirty minutes the
}    pizza collection agency will give up and let you alone, promising to
}    break your kneecaps if you ever come near that pizza parlor again.
} Your state has an extra surcharge of $2.24 for Not Getting Knocked Out
}    By A State Trooper and Being Shipped to Louisiana In A Heavy Card-
}    board Box.
} Federal law requires that every pizza parlor be equipped with a Neutron
}    Blocking Shield (NBS), to prevent neutrons liberated during the
}    pizza-cooking process (esp. dangerous with pepperoni) from damaging
}    customers, employees, and flying saucers.  To pay for this, the
}    parlors are allowed to charge an additional $41.50 for each pizza.
} You had ordered a Super-Meta-Hyper-Special Pizza, with black olives,
}    green peppers, pepperoni, sausage, anchovies, artichoke hearts,
}    truffles, pate de fois gras, suckling pig, wild mushrooms, and
}    crushed diamonds.  This pizza was not on sale.  The one that was on
}    sale was the Super-Meta-Ultra-Special Pizza, which is similar except
}    that it has Canadian bacon and pineapple instead of sausage and green
}    peppers.  That was an extra $250.00.
}
} They charged you 19.11 because their adding machine has only two digits,
} and they dropped the 11 cents because your companion flirted
} outrageously with them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice.


158-04    (52450 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of setting exams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm a professor at a major Ivy League University (there are no
} minor Ivy League Universities), and I give exams so that students have a
} chance to suffer as much as I did when the came to my office hours and
} asked me all kinds of questions that I couldn't answer.  It's worse than
} the Oracle!  On the Oracle I get all these funky questions, like "What's
} a Waffle", and I get to come up with creative answers.  As a professor I
} get all these boring questions, like "what is the third derivative of a
} spiny anteater, and how does it relate to alcohol abuse in Lyons in the
} 14th century?", and I don't even get to make up a good answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good exam question.


158-05    (44512 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, please write a response to this message that is
> extremely clever and will provide a medium for the word "undulate" to be
> sent to thousands of locations over the net.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Undulate!
} I think that word is really great!
} Undulate!
} Hey, watch that sound *communicate*!
} Undulate!
} That word's my soul's new substrate!
} Undulate!
} I sing it when I flagellate!
} Undulate!
} I chant it as I perigrinate!
} Undulate!
} I think that I can never sate
} My new-found taste for "undulate"!
} Undulate!
} Why, it makes me an addlepate!
} Undulate!
} The sound just makes me masturbate!
} Undulate!
} They'll feed me a barbituate,
} Undulate!
} 'Cause I'm so high on "undulate"!
} Undulate!
}
} You owe the Oracle a definition of the word "undulate".  I have no clue
} what it means.


158-06    (36511 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come I can never get past the first chapyer of "War and Peace"?
> I've read thick Russian novels before with no difficulty, but that one
> always stymies me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first thapter contains a special anti-geek barrier, which is subtly
} concealed in the alternation of the letters "O" and "J" on pages 7 and
} 8.  (Tolstoy was very careful write the Russian in such a way that, when
} translated to English, it would have this property.  The Cyrillic
} letters "O" and "Zh" alternate as well, for the same reason.) However,
} this chaoter's protective device have a severe flaw.  If you attempt to
} read the cjapter while you are wearing a microwave oven full of sex
} toys, you should have no trouble at all, and should get through the
} chzpter in a chzp.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book report on the second chapler.


158-07    (14740 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> FROM: The net.suppleness.goddess
> TO: The Usenet Oracle
>
> Dear Orrie,
>
> I don't often read your postings in rec.humor (I don't have the time, I
> must find out new ways of increasing my suppleness.  Also, there's far
> too much sex in them) but recently I did browse through a few of them.
> To my surprise, there were *lots* of questions about me!  It seems that
> most of them were written by the same guy.  A few days ago, I even
> received a rather cute letter from him (thanks for forwarding it!).
>
> It's all rather flattering, but before I answer it, I'd just like to
> know who this guy is, and what does he *really* want?  Is it true what
> he writes, that his interest in me is entirely pure and platonic, and
> that he admires me just for my suppleness?  In that case, I'd like to
> meet him.  Or does he just, like everybody else, want to have sex with
> me?
>
> By the way, I must say that I'm really disappointed in you - I really
> beleived you when you said you only wanted to be friends, but now I see
> that you published some really disgusting sexual fantasies about me in
> response to this guy's questions.  If you're thinking such things about
> me, I'll never want to date you again!  You know I'm not into that kind
> of kinky stuff - that's Lisa's department!
>
>                                         Love,
>
>                                         Barbara

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Babs me darling girl,
}
} Sorry about the sex-fantasies involving you -- they were posted by my
} janitor and some of his twisted friends.  I'm getting careless in me old
} age.
}
} I'm afraid that I shouldn't have forwarded that letter.  The guy just
} wants kinky sex.  You know that I have to exert my full powers in order
} to see all the consequences of my actions, and that's getting hard what
} with the arteriosclerosis.
}
} Maybe you could give Lisa some rudimentary lessons in suppleness?  Then
} she could handle this geek for you, probably in some fatal way.
}
} I got the Day-Glo Spandex tights for you.  I predict that you'll look
} especially lovely in them.
}
} Love and kisses,
}
} O.


158-08    (35530 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The woman in the next office is kind of tall and gawky, but cute and
> fairly bright.  Is she queer, or is it just that she doesn't find me
> attractive -- she doesn't seem interested in me at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not surprising that she doesn't seem interested in you.  After all
} if someone were to stare at you all day and not even attempt to initiate
} any conversation, you probably wouldn't be too interested to begin with.
} But, if said person also had an annoying habit of letting a puddle of
} drool collect under his lip, you would be even less inclined to thnik
} twice of this person.  But when she takes one look at you, there far
} more than blank stares and endless stands of saliva to repulse her.  In
} fact she has a whole list of reasons to reject you.  They include, but
} are not limited to:
}
}       -Your complexion
}       -Your space-shuttle nose
}       -Your Penzoil hair-do
}       -Your essance d'industrial waste dump cologne
}       -The way your wear your clothes:
}               -loud, bright colors
}               -wrinkled and stained
}               -horizontal and vertical stripes, TOGETHER
}               -off the racks at the Goodwill store
}               -Mr. 70's
}       -Your personality
}               -self-righteous
}               -arrogant
}               -close-minded
}               -boring
}       -The fact that you let the boogers hang in your nostril all day
}       -The little brown stains on your teeth
}       -The protruding wart on your forehead
}       -The annoying clicking sound you make with your tongue when you
}        talk
}
} So, be happy that she doesn't outright hate you, but merely is "not
} interested."


158-09    (23353 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you really catch it from a toilet seat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Sweaty Bum Rot" - n., (Med.) a disease of the skin and
} buttocks caused by excessive perspiration and poor hygiene.
} Symptoms include flaking skin, itching, burning, difficulty
} sitting, screaming in the night, and mooning during hot-wax
} cycle at car wash.  Treatment: death.
}
} Yes, you can catch it from a toilet seat.  Stay tuned
} for next week's disease:
}
} "Hermetic Hot-Wax Bum Seal."


158-10    (12643 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   This may sound weird but I'm a single woman and I like it that way.  I
> want to have a child but I don't want to get married or involved with a
> man right now.  My question is, will you be the father of my child?
> Nothing more than your sperm is necessary; I'll ask for no money or
> help.  Just your seed, inside me, so that my child will most assuredly
> be perfect.  Thanks for your help.
>
>                                                   Helen Pritcher

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It'll never work:  You're a 46-chromosome being, I'm a *32* bit machine.
} The numbers simply don't make it.
}
} But if you'd like to straddle my console anyway...


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