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Internet Oracularities #1581

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Internet Oracularities #1581
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2018 16:27:56 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
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   1581
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1581-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I kept Elephant Butt on my right as you suggested. Now I am seeing
> tigers everywhere. This is Africa, right? Right when I left the road
> in Raleigh at Six Forks? I keep thinking, "Six Forks, Three Spoons, a
> Butterknife, and a Fingerbowl."
>
> What are you drinking when you see questions like this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *looks at map*
} *zooms in*
} *enhances*
}
} No, unfortunately, it's not Africa. I know Africa--I've blessed the
} rains there.
}
} If you're seeing tigers, you've overshot Africa altogether, and you're
} on the Indian subcontinent. You should have been seeing lions. But not
} white lions. They went missing in the 80s. Made the children cry.
} Heaven knows we tried...
}
} Anyway, you're also chanting the wrong mantra.  That one's on me: there
} was a mixup in the mantra distribution chamber. Those responsible have
} been sacked. Then the sacks were weighted and thrown into the river
} Styx (domo arigato for that).
}
} "Six Forks, Three Spoons, a Butterknife, and a Fingerbowl" was the
} mantra for a *squints* Guy Fieri. Whoever that is. Apparently he needed
} a name for a new TV show.
}
} Your mantra is much simpler: "Around the world, around the world.
} Around the world, around the world."
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Jameson and a copy of the Tron: Legacy
} soundtrack, now available on 8 track or cassette wherever music is
} sold.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-02
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the deal with that one level? If you don't do it the right way,
> the game crashes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't light the lamp you fall into a pit and break every bone in
} your body.
}
} Oh, and the bird scares the snake. No, it's the other way around.
}
} You are in a maze of twisty, little C++ libraries, all different.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am afraid. I am afraid that I heard someone say Natasha. Boris and
> Natasha. That means I am occluding with Russia, just like Trvmp. This
> time for shure!
>
> When will I be found quilty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're quilty? I feel sheepish.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-04
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lord, is it eye?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Perhaps it is i++ or ++i.
}
} Lord begins with "L" which is 50. Christ begins with "C" which is 100,
} and is also a pretty good programming language, if you manage memory
} allocation correctly in your larger projects, and if you try to avoid
} being too clever.
}
} You owe the Oracle some neat programs in which you use autoincrementing
} and autodecrementing while trying to accomplish loop control, using
} side effects on globals inside a single "for" or "while" expression
} with an empty set of consequent statements.
}
} Alternatively, you may try to owe the Oracle your comprehension of the
} "L" Compiler Hyperbook.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       8 October 1989: The Usenet Oracle is released upon
>       the world with introductory postings to alt.sex,
>       alt.sources, misc.misc, news.misc, rec.humor and
>       rec.misc.
>
> Just a little over a year to the big XXX. Got any plans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Resurrection of dead supplicants.
}
} As you may have noticed, or perhaps failed to notice, today's
} supplicants are of smaller number and far worse quality than those
} of thirty or even twenty years ago.
}
} They are dying.
}
} The snotty and insincere C programmers who contributed questions
} such as those in Oracularities 73 are not the same ones, mostly, in
} Oracularities 1573. They (the snotty ones) have retired from computers
} and gone on to places like British Colombia (see 73-02) where they
} have given up on raising goats or fishing for squid, and now live in
} Difficult Circumstances, which is a small town near Kamloops and thus
} pretty far from everywhere, with no internet connection and a large
} and growing graveyard. That situation is not conducive to creation
} of good collaborative fiction.
}
} Those who have not died or retired into oblivion have been swallowed up
} by Fingerprintbook. Their brains are the property of Mark Fingerbird.
}
} You owe the Oracle the active recruitment of some fresh meat.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am interested in medicine, but I don't want to waste years studying
> anatomy, taking apart dead people, and all that. So I'm planning to
> become a phrenologist. Please tell me how to get into the best schools
> for Phrenology.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best school for Phrenology is Paul Bouts University in Rwanda.
} Although until recently, they did have a rather serious problem
} with rats.Applicants must have an undergraduate degree in Racism
} or Pseudoscience.  For that, I recommend American University in
} Washington D.C.  Their proximity to so many racist practitioners
} of Pseudoscience heavily under the influence of the Dunning-Kruger
} effect makes it an ideal location for study.Space is very limited so
} you must also demonstrate extracurricular activities in clubs such
} as Vanguard America.
}
} You owe the Oracle a convincing argument for why *it* can't happen
} here and a version of America where this answer is funny instead of
} sad and scary.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I complained to you last week or before I work for a large
> electronics company. They make things like FPGAs (whatever they are)
> and stuff like that. I am in the purchasing department, and it is my
> job to save the company money by specifying cheaper alternatives for
> devices the engineers want to buy.
>
> Now I am in trouble. They wanted mosfets and I got a very good deal on
> mouse feets, which sounds like nearly the same thing.
>
> Please tell me what I should do to save my job.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, find a specialty grocery: They might take your spare mouse feet
} off your hands and let you recoup most of the money. Certain cuisines
} treasure them as a delicacy.
}
} Second, place your replacement order carefully.  Do not get:
} - Mos Eisely (a den of villainy)
} - Bobba Fett (not a component, except of a band of bounty hunters)
} - mouse pads (they just lie there)
} - mouse droppings (see mouse pads)
} - mouse fits (epilepsy doesn't relate to electronics)
}
} Do get:
} - a better parts catalog (and non-biological parts)
} - a better dictionary
} - A mouse-feet souffle as your fee for the Oracle.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-08
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From a quiet yogurt tank, deep in the darkest part of the Dardanelles,
> I send you my supplication.
>
> How did I get here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Prentice Hall!
}
} I am writing this to tell you that the title of my newest book,
} 'Getting rid of bad supplicants - a 100  ways that doesn't work.' now
} will have to change.  Please replace the number '100' with '101' in
} all the relevant material.
}
} Sincerely, T. I. Oracle.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told my friend Sam about you and he says I am mental. He says you are
> mental too. How mental are we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Senti.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1581-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have heard it is allot easier being young like me rather than old
> like you. I have also herd that the chances of dyeing get less as you
> get older because very few people die after the age of 110.
>
> Please give me the secret of staying young forever while I get older
> and smarter but also having the Wisdom Of Age right now, like you
> probably have which makes you sort of omniscient or smart more or less.
>
> Also tell me what it was like to be a very young Oracle. You were
> probabably a <know it all> and annoyed your parents something terrible.
> So tell me about that, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I came from Greece I had a thirst for knowledge
} I studied culture at Valhalla College
} That's where I,
} Caught her eye
}
} She told me that her dad was Odin
} I said "In that case make me all-knowing."
} She said "Fine."
} And in thirty seconds time she said,
}
} "I wanna harvest fallen heroes,
} I wanna get my sisters involved too.
} I wanna sleep with fallen heroes,
} and pasty internet celebs like you."
} Well what else could I do
} I said "I'll see what I can do."
}
}  To cut a long story short it ended so badly that now nobody in the
} Death business will have anything to do with me.
}
} *shrug* I sure am broken up about that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cover of "Year 2000" by the Einherjar Marching
} Band. What they lack in talent they make up for in crazed bloodlust.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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