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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I kept Elephant Butt on my right as you suggested. Now I am seeing > tigers everywhere. This is Africa, right? Right when I left the road > in Raleigh at Six Forks? I keep thinking, "Six Forks, Three Spoons, a > Butterknife, and a Fingerbowl." > > What are you drinking when you see questions like this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *looks at map* } *zooms in* } *enhances* } } No, unfortunately, it's not Africa. I know Africa--I've blessed the } rains there. } } If you're seeing tigers, you've overshot Africa altogether, and you're } on the Indian subcontinent. You should have been seeing lions. But not } white lions. They went missing in the 80s. Made the children cry. } Heaven knows we tried... } } Anyway, you're also chanting the wrong mantra.  That one's on me: there } was a mixup in the mantra distribution chamber. Those responsible have } been sacked. Then the sacks were weighted and thrown into the river } Styx (domo arigato for that). } } "Six Forks, Three Spoons, a Butterknife, and a Fingerbowl" was the } mantra for a *squints* Guy Fieri. Whoever that is. Apparently he needed } a name for a new TV show. } } Your mantra is much simpler: "Around the world, around the world. } Around the world, around the world." } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Jameson and a copy of the Tron: Legacy } soundtrack, now available on 8 track or cassette wherever music is } sold.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the deal with that one level? If you don't do it the right way, > the game crashes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't light the lamp you fall into a pit and break every bone in } your body. } } Oh, and the bird scares the snake. No, it's the other way around. } } You are in a maze of twisty, little C++ libraries, all different.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am afraid. I am afraid that I heard someone say Natasha. Boris and > Natasha. That means I am occluding with Russia, just like Trvmp. This > time for shure! > > When will I be found quilty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're quilty? I feel sheepish.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lord, is it eye?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Perhaps it is i++ or ++i. } } Lord begins with "L" which is 50. Christ begins with "C" which is 100, } and is also a pretty good programming language, if you manage memory } allocation correctly in your larger projects, and if you try to avoid } being too clever. } } You owe the Oracle some neat programs in which you use autoincrementing } and autodecrementing while trying to accomplish loop control, using } side effects on globals inside a single "for" or "while" expression } with an empty set of consequent statements. } } Alternatively, you may try to owe the Oracle your comprehension of the } "L" Compiler Hyperbook.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       8 October 1989: The Usenet Oracle is released upon >       the world with introductory postings to alt.sex, >       alt.sources, misc.misc, news.misc, rec.humor and >       rec.misc. > > Just a little over a year to the big XXX. Got any plans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Resurrection of dead supplicants. } } As you may have noticed, or perhaps failed to notice, today's } supplicants are of smaller number and far worse quality than those } of thirty or even twenty years ago. } } They are dying. } } The snotty and insincere C programmers who contributed questions } such as those in Oracularities 73 are not the same ones, mostly, in } Oracularities 1573. They (the snotty ones) have retired from computers } and gone on to places like British Colombia (see 73-02) where they } have given up on raising goats or fishing for squid, and now live in } Difficult Circumstances, which is a small town near Kamloops and thus } pretty far from everywhere, with no internet connection and a large } and growing graveyard. That situation is not conducive to creation } of good collaborative fiction. } } Those who have not died or retired into oblivion have been swallowed up } by Fingerprintbook. Their brains are the property of Mark Fingerbird. } } You owe the Oracle the active recruitment of some fresh meat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am interested in medicine, but I don't want to waste years studying > anatomy, taking apart dead people, and all that. So I'm planning to > become a phrenologist. Please tell me how to get into the best schools > for Phrenology.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best school for Phrenology is Paul Bouts University in Rwanda. } Although until recently, they did have a rather serious problem } with rats.Applicants must have an undergraduate degree in Racism } or Pseudoscience.  For that, I recommend American University in } Washington D.C.  Their proximity to so many racist practitioners } of Pseudoscience heavily under the influence of the Dunning-Kruger } effect makes it an ideal location for study.Space is very limited so } you must also demonstrate extracurricular activities in clubs such } as Vanguard America. } } You owe the Oracle a convincing argument for why *it* can't happen } here and a version of America where this answer is funny instead of } sad and scary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I complained to you last week or before I work for a large > electronics company. They make things like FPGAs (whatever they are) > and stuff like that. I am in the purchasing department, and it is my > job to save the company money by specifying cheaper alternatives for > devices the engineers want to buy. > > Now I am in trouble. They wanted mosfets and I got a very good deal on > mouse feets, which sounds like nearly the same thing. > > Please tell me what I should do to save my job.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, find a specialty grocery: They might take your spare mouse feet } off your hands and let you recoup most of the money. Certain cuisines } treasure them as a delicacy. } } Second, place your replacement order carefully.  Do not get: } - Mos Eisely (a den of villainy) } - Bobba Fett (not a component, except of a band of bounty hunters) } - mouse pads (they just lie there) } - mouse droppings (see mouse pads) } - mouse fits (epilepsy doesn't relate to electronics) } } Do get: } - a better parts catalog (and non-biological parts) } - a better dictionary } - A mouse-feet souffle as your fee for the Oracle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From a quiet yogurt tank, deep in the darkest part of the Dardanelles, > I send you my supplication. > > How did I get here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Prentice Hall! } } I am writing this to tell you that the title of my newest book, } 'Getting rid of bad supplicants - a 100  ways that doesn't work.' now } will have to change.  Please replace the number '100' with '101' in } all the relevant material. } } Sincerely, T. I. Oracle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told my friend Sam about you and he says I am mental. He says you are > mental too. How mental are we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Senti.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have heard it is allot easier being young like me rather than old > like you. I have also herd that the chances of dyeing get less as you > get older because very few people die after the age of 110. > > Please give me the secret of staying young forever while I get older > and smarter but also having the Wisdom Of Age right now, like you > probably have which makes you sort of omniscient or smart more or less. > > Also tell me what it was like to be a very young Oracle. You were > probabably a <know it all> and annoyed your parents something terrible. > So tell me about that, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I came from Greece I had a thirst for knowledge } I studied culture at Valhalla College } That's where I, } Caught her eye } } She told me that her dad was Odin } I said "In that case make me all-knowing." } She said "Fine." } And in thirty seconds time she said, } } "I wanna harvest fallen heroes, } I wanna get my sisters involved too. } I wanna sleep with fallen heroes, } and pasty internet celebs like you." } Well what else could I do } I said "I'll see what I can do." } }  To cut a long story short it ended so badly that now nobody in the } Death business will have anything to do with me. } } *shrug* I sure am broken up about that. } } You owe the Oracle a cover of "Year 2000" by the Einherjar Marching } Band. What they lack in talent they make up for in crazed bloodlust.