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Internet Oracularities #1582

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Internet Oracularities #1582
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2018 20:23:43 -0500 (EST)

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   1582
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1582-01
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, my name Aleksander Przybyszewski. Good Polish name. I try to
> get job as Pole Dancer but they reject me. Telling me only girls can
> apply and is okay even girls who not Polish. Maybe you hire me as Pole
> Dancer? I can even do Ukrainian dance too. Like hopak dance you
> already know very athletic. I wait you help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You really need to improve your repertoire. Can I suggest you learn
} some of the following other European dances:
}
} Czech Dance: That weird ceremony where you pretend to be really
} generous in offering to pay for your date's meal but secretly don't
} want to.
}
} UK Dance: That weird ceremony where your Prime Minister dances at her
} party's conference and pretends to want Brexit, but secretly doesn't.
}
} Swedish Dance: Like a Pole dance, but while wearing turnips.
}
} Vatican Dance: Euphemism for the withdrawal method of contraception.
}
} Turkey Dance: That thing at Thanksgiving where you freak out your
} vegan friend by pretending that the food has come back to life.
}
} Belgium Dance: Dance like nobody's watching. Oh, wait, they're not.
} Because no-one cares what you do. Like Belgium.
}
} Italian Dance: How to distract a Mafia godfather.
}
} Swiss Dance: Done with precision, with a sensation of melted
} chocolate. Typically used as a numbing technique at an assisted dying
} clinic.
}
} Maltese Dance: Maximum footwork effort in order to make your partner's
} corns hurt. It's how you make a Maltese Cross.
}
} Irish Dance: Dance like you're holding two incredibly heavy bags of
} potatoes in either hand, and are running away from the British,
} frequently looking over your shoulder.
}
} Greece Dance: Not sure I know this one. Tell me more, tell me more,
} does it go very far?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dance from Lapland.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-02
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you for the bottle of invisible ink. I put it down somewhere and
> now I can't find it. Where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got plenty more of that, and to prove it, I'm gonna write the
} instructions on how to obtain more using it:

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, where's the fun in that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As always, the fun is in trying to render it into a palindrome. Many
} palindromes just don't quite work. For example you might like to
} consider A MAN A PLAN A CANAL: SUEZ. Or ABLE WAS I ERE I SAW WATERLOO.
} Or perhaps you would prefer to avoid thinking about them. Too late.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nut for a jar of tuna.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told my friend Sam about you and he says I am mental. He says you are
> mental too. How mental are we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Experi

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, you've gotta help me now.
>
> Bet on the Red Sox to lose the Pennant, generally a sure thing, good
> for LOTS of money if I place the bets with guys I meet in bars in
> Southie. Your yourself encouraged me by suggesting I study math better.
>
> Well, they won the Pennant, so I bet on them to lose the Series, four
> games to zip. Brooklyn (now Los Angeles) has always been a true
> powerhouse of baseball.
>
> Goddam Red Sox won the Series, today (29 October). I now owe about
> $275,000 to a bunch of guys in Southie all of whom carry a mean
> baseball bat.
>
> What should I do now? Maybe hide in your castle and pretend to be you?
> Or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see you have met Orrie-corp's Southie branch.  Always happy to
} meet a satisfied customer!  Say 'hi' to Og and Thag when you get back,
} they've done an excellent job since I put them in charge.  Anyway, you
} should have followed my suggestion about math, because you have
} calculated the accumulated per-day interest for the last month all
} wrong.  You need to do it by hand, since most computers just don't
} have enough bits to prevent an overflow error.
}
} I should have added an 'You owe the Oracle ...'-line here but you
} already know that.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I tell them what I put in it before they taste it, or after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While they are taking that first bite.
}
} Reminder: Calculate the range of projectile vomiting ahead of time so
} that you can be certain you are out of range. Watch videos of people
} trying to eat surstromming for a better understanding of the concept.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sure-fire method of spelling "surstromming" that
} supplies the necessary umlaut of the "o" while not running afoul the
} the Oracle's extremely limited character set.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is horrible, horrible, horrible. I wanted to ask you about the
> country called Trinidad and Tobago. Yes it is just one place but it is
> named double.
>
> Ufnortunately I spell-chucked myself into writing Trinity and Tabasco.
> Because the question was broken, I did not send it. Or did I? Not even
> your famed omniscience could know the answer, because even if I did
> send it you might have not received it, or vice reversal.
>
> So instead tell me something that is probably probable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear suppleness,
}
} The Oration has constabled your quest.
}
} In these busy danes, it is very diffident to ensure that all the
} contexts of an email mess are corruptly spilled. Your receptacle  is
} therefrom unlucky to be consigned whether the spell was accumulated or
} not.
}
} In the unlucky evening they dud actuately rescind it, they probably
} stacked it strait into the tractor.
}
} Your missing is impotent to us.
} The Oration.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I crossed my eyes and dotted my Tees. Now I have spotted T-shirts that
> I can't see clearly. Why do I accept your advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly for the Instagram followers.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-09
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are sposed to bisect a frog for bioligy class. Yuck. Maybe if I
> make a joke like you told me about OPEN TOAD shoes I will get throne
> out of class before we start.
>
> What do you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Work on your spelling, and the frog might change into a handsome
} blueprints.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1582-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie. I do hope you realize what big trouble you're in!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, of course. I am even more omniscient than you think I am, so
} I know that sort of thing far better than you could ever dream of. I
} even know how to use more than one preposition to end a sentence up
} with. How's THAT for smarts?
}
} As for the specific trouble, it was competition from Yahoo Answers that
} originally had me worried, but as you know that place has become a nest
} of trolls who have escaped their original hiding places, such as
} Norway, Minnesota, South Dakota, and other slow states, and are now
} asking some of the most stupid questions ever seen (or unseen) in any
} universe.
}
} What I need is quality, not quantity.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 supplicants who actually have brains. Yes,
} yes, I know we are struggling against zombies who eat the brains of
} potential supplicants--just look at some of the recent
} supplications--but we can overcome that with extra effort. As the late
} and almost incomparable Anna Russell said, "We must all get behind
} ourselves and PUSH!" You may, if you desire, compare Russell to Lehrer
} or to Flanders & Swann, but to no one else.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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