[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Aug 2019 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 7:28:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1583

If you've registered, you may vote on this digest using the vote buttons below each Oracularity. Be sure to rate each one.

Goto:
1583, 1583-01, 1583-02, 1583-03, 1583-04, 1583-05, 1583-06, 1583-07, 1583-08, 1583-09, 1583-10


Internet Oracularities #1583
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Fri, 10 May 2019 10:39:48 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1583
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1583-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is gravity?
>
> I know what levity is, and of course gravity is the opposite, but the
> other way is umop episdn.
>
> And how come you know these things when I don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.
} Gravity is the force that keeps you stuck to the coach after eating
} all that stuff with gravy on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more turkey.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-02
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle,
>
> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
> possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Qvidqvid Latine dictvm sit altvm viditvr?
}
} ^Cu vi vere opinias, ke mi falos por la demando pri marmotoj nur ^car
} vi petis ^gin en la latina?
}
} ZOT! (Magia nuklea eksplodo.)

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-03
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where will you and your college friends go for Spring Break this year?
> I remember when you went to Cancun. What a disaster! This year will be
> somewhere else, I bet!
>
> And are you still at the University of Indiana or now somewhere else
> because you have your own email and don't have to use Kinzler's
> account?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Scene:  A tropical Island.  The Oracle and his priests are gathered on
} the beach.  The priests are all wearing matching itsy bitsy, tiny weeny
} yellow polka dot bikinis.  Some of them look a bit uncomfortable, but
} most of them are too drunk to care.  The Oracle himself may be wearing
} a speedo, but his enormous beer belly hangs so low it's impossible to
} tell for sure.  They all stumble to their feet, and start staggering
} around in something that's probably supposed to resemble a dance.  And
} then ... they all sing:)
}
} Yes, we have no more questions!
} We have-a no questions today!
} We've w**dch*cks, and in-jokes,
} null-questions, and drainers,
} And all sorts of fruitcakes.
}
} (A priest falls over, creating a domino effect, but the Oracle himself
} mysteriously manage to keep on his feet, while the rest ends up in a
} heap couching and spitting sand.)
}
} We have an old fashioned Zadoc,
} a Long Island pot-head!
} But yes, we have no more questions!
} We have no more questions today!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That oxymoron you sent me is slightly tremendous. Many thanks for
> nothing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, it was my only choice.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-05
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellme all about the cold serial.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's what you already know, plus the addition of the latest episode, in
} which Captain Crunch gets his teeth hung up on the oxygen-free copper
} 2600 whistle he bought at an Antique Hacker Reunion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Parallel Universal Joint, a fully-paid lifetime
} membership in both TMRC and MITSFS, and all 2600 copies of the BSTJ
} that do not even exist.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-06
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle of the Immense Past, I am writing to you from the year
> 99,995. As you are undoubtedly aware, with your nearly infinite age,
> humanity encountered and weathered the Y2K problem, the 2038 problem,
> and the Y10K problem. I am now the Chief Luminary of Timekeeping and of
> Flesh and Robotic Life (CLTK&FRL) here in the Galactic New-hebrides.
> Sort of to the left of the Pleides, if you're standing not too far from
> where you should have been.
>
> Anyway, we are tasked with solving the Y100K problem, and need advice,
> such as, "Go ahead and solve the YnK problem while you are at it."
> Observe that the YnK problem is specified badly, so solutions will
> inherently contain built-in failures, generally unexpected ones. Like
> the New Mexico Inquisition, to borrow something from your time and
> space.
>
> Please send me something that looks like a solution. I need to hand it
> in tomorrow. You needn't fret too hard about this problem because my
> term expires in three years, so I won't be held accountable for the
> inevitable failure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously need to find that one COBOL-programmer who is still
} alive.  Then make a million clones (Which you should no doubt have
} discovered how to do by Y100K.)  Obviously the clones will only be
} five years old when you need them, but that's not actually an
} advantage.  They'll require less pay.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am standing here waiting for the free beer. Am I in the right place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, this is where the bears are waiting for their free lunch.
} Well, they WERE waiting.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-08
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, who drained the queue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That would be Drew Quaynor. He's been absent for a long time, hence the
} warning notice.
}
} You owe the Oracle more and better supplicants.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-09
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a city in Russia or the USSR or one of those places that is
> spelled LVIV, which is clearly a Roman Numeral, but done wrong. I am
> trying to decode it. It come out to 50-5-4, which would be 59 maybe,
> changing the spelling to LIX, which evokes memories of Tootsie Roll
> Pops.
>
> Please tell me the history of using Noman Rumerals to name citys.
>
> Or it you can't do that (because of how stupid I am when i try to be a
> supplican't) then explain something completely different. Maybe this:
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiVOG199X2c

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first ever city was called I. Much confusion was had when the
} architects were holding a competition to name the city. Voters wanted
} to call it Towny McTown Face, but this was ruled inappropriate by Mr
} McTowny, the mayor, who was sensitive about his face. When the city
} elders overruled the vote and decided to call it 'I', the following
} exchange resulted:
}
} Interviewer: So, you want to call this city 'I'?
} City elder: 'I', aye, that's correct.
} Interviewer: What, you now want to call it aye-aye? Like the lemur?
} City elder: No, just I.
} Interviewer: But you said II.
} City elder: Aye, I said 'I', aye.
} Interviewer: This conversation is getting silly.
} City elder: Aye.
}
} Fun fact: The city of Milan was completed in 1049 C.E.
} Lima was completed in 1049 B.C.E.
}
} Cixi, in China, was due to be completed in 109 C.E., but painting the
} road signs took longer than expected, and was only completed in 110
} C.E.
}
} Another fun fact: The city centre of Liverpool is 54 feet below
} sea-level. The Beatles' hit 'Yellow submarine' was composed in John
} Lennon's bath, 50 feet below Yoko Ono.
}
} Unrelated fact: Liza Minnelli's top half is 51, and her bottom half is
} 1001.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of a lumberjack wearing better safety
} equipment than suspenders and a bra.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1583-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last week I learned about James Chadwick, the physicist who discovered
> the neutron. He was born in 1891, which means that if he had not died
> he would still be alive.
>
> What other notable people who have died would still be alive if they
> had not? What would they have discovered?
>
> (I'm really hoping for some famous mathematician, perhaps Galois, to
> have recently discovered how to divide by zero, so that I'll get a good
> mark in my calculus examination. Otherwise my answer that "calculus is
> impossible because it requires dividing by zero" will result in total
> failure.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isaac Newton would have invented a door-flap to allow drones to come
} in through a closed door to drop Apple products on his head.
}
} Thomas Edison would have invented a way of stealing patents from
} people who use light-bulbs as a 'source of inspiration' illustration
} in comics.
}
} Pythagoras would have invented a a way of calculating how long a
} love-triangle started on Tinder would last.
}
} Francis Bacon would have invented a way of detecting plagiarism in
} English students' essays on Shakespeare.
}
} Noah, full of guilt, would have invented a way of keeping Ark-bound
} unicorns from jumping overboard.
}
} And, lastly, Jesus would have invented a way of telling everyone that
} that's not what he actually meant and would everyone please just be
} nice to each other, OK?
}
} You owe the Oracle a free pass out of Hell (somewhere In Norway) for
} that last one.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


Username:
Password:

© Copyright 1989-2019 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org