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Internet Oracularities #1584

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Internet Oracularities #1584
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2019 11:29:51 -0500 (EST)

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1584-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full.  Help speed
> !!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's.
>
> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> >
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } You know, Mr. /dev/null, you could liven up your questions if you
> } were to borrow them from /nev/dull instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! Or maybe Mom! (We are answering from Australia today, even though
} we are in a cave in what used to be Greece. Today more like grease.)
} Sort of umop episdn we are right now.
}
} To send a question you should be exercising your own brain, not
} plagiarizing from someone else's. But you knew that already, you
} blinking idiot.
}
} On the other hand, if you were not an idiot you would have no need of
} my advice.
}
} Here's what to do. Start with the ancient writers, from back around 800
} BC or before, when hardly anyone knew how to write but some composed
} poetry instead. They (mostly Homer) (but there were others) wrote, or
} rather didn't write, about Greek Gods and Greek Oracles. So you had
} best be learning Ancient Greek.
}
} As you should have already known, Ancient Greek is exactly like Modern
} Greek except when it is different. Same letters. Alpher, Bethe, Gamow.
} Tappa Keg. That sort of stuff. Enough for you to use in calculating
} brand new questions I almost never heard before.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that'll make him fall off his perch.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once again I asked the wrong question, so you in your nearly infinite
> wisdom gave me a wrong answer. It was supposed to be about the Planet
> Boron. But I asked you about the Boston Borons hockey team. Any fool
> knows they are the Bruins.
>
> Why did you even mention the Phobodelphia Beagles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In case you were Snooping around.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Congratulations, I guess. You have located a persistent incarnation who
> never fails to avoid answering with your chosen words, but instead
> reflects the supplicant's question intact, without any comment
> whatever. Dozens of them.
>
> Why do you allow this unwholesome monstrosity to clog your stream of
> thought?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes it works.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Anyways, my teacher says there is no plural adverbs an I tell him hes
> wrong. Its a grammer thing. Now you tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One moment while I check the hourlies.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-05
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Einstein had a comical constant but he thought it was a blunder and he
> never. It would have perdicted invisible energy that you can't detect.
>
> All this physical stuff and math makes my head hurt.
>
> Please give me a answer that feels good or at least is delicious. I am
> tried of people telling me whats good for me. It makes my head hurt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Albert Einstein
} Having drunk more than ein stein
} Invented a theory of gravity
} Oh! The depravity
}
} What Bertie left out
} quantum phys leaves us doubt
} Until things are done
} You should have all your fun
}
} Eating cakes and meringues
} when the scholarly harangues
} say that bosons exist
} or ethereal mist
}
} Have a candy, a beer
} and enjoy yourself dear
} The whole lot will collapse....
}
} Sooner or later.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Make Money Fast" the ad said.
>
> That word "fast" can have so very many meanings.
>
> 1. Stick in one place, as in Hold Fast.
>
> 2. Able to move quickly. I have a fast car.
>
> 3. Moving quickly. My car is going very fast.
>
> 4. Not eating. I am going to fast for a week.
>
> 5. Swiftly, starting right now.
>
> I thought that I was getting example 5, above. Instead I got 3, and my
> money's draining away very fast.
>
> How can I make the tiny amount of my money that remains fast as in
> number 1, above? Tying it up with ropes sounds difficult.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you have misunderstood the basic economic concept of money.
} Money is an extremely abstract thing and so it can only be assessed as
} a token of value when traded. So in that sense,  money can only ever
} have value when moving, although it need not move fast.
}
} You can anchor your money to some kind of fixed asset, these are often
} called securities for that reason. Most securities are offered by
} governments and large institutions. However, because they like spending
} your money fast, as you have discovered, they are not so secure as you
} imagine.
}
} Similarly, governments amd central banks like to starve you of money
} through taxation or by reducing the money supply, this makes your money
} very lean, which is why we say governments make money fast.
}
} What you obviously need is a secure fastener for your money. An elastic
} band works quite well, or a money clip, although I must warn you that
} coin clipping is illegal in most jurisdictions, so it only works for
} banknotes. And since a banknote is essentially just a promissory note
} written by the bank (that the bank owes you money), it may still not be
} as secure as it seems.
}
} What you really need to do is invest your money in someting unchanging,
} that has been around a long time, makes reliable forecasts and gives
} quick returns. In short, me.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your savings.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, perrenial saviour
> Could you please do me a favour
> Leccy's short I need a euro
> Franc or quid they all will fit
> A deutchmark or a double bit
> Just send a coin to feed the meter
> And make my life a bit completer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Money requests categorical
} Are hereby denied by the Oracle.
} Go find your own loot.
} I'm using my boot
} To kick you way back prehistorical.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just had a brilliant idea for something that'll make me, I mean make
> US, a lot of money. But I forgot what it was.
>
> So please remind me. And I didn't quite get all the details when I had
> the idea, so fill them all in, because I don't want to be stuck with a
> brilliant idea that I can't implement. Like the time you told me to
> collect rocks and sell them to idiots. I still have all those rocks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The combined confessional and photo booth. For three "Hail Mary's" and
} four Euros you are absolved of your sins and get, a short time later,
} some pictures of yourself looking suitably innocent and guiltless.
} Ideal for passports, driving licences, and so on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a golden share.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-09
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know I asked you about this before, but Physics is Hard! I need to
> understand the Coriolanus Force for my Modern Shakespeare class.
> Please this time give me an explanation that takes into account your
> immense wisdom compared to my yawning stupidity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now child I beseech you, I don't want to preach you
} iambic pentameter, leonine style
} I could make a verse but you might be averse
} To my cryptic, syllabic old rile
}
} You'll have heard that old Will would, with his quiill
} Write most of his verse in pentameter
} But would vary his style - certain comics awhile
} Are just written in hex or tetrameter
}
} So the Bard's not a cert, you new physics pervert
} To demand of the long dead a a pass
} For your coming exam, He would say, Why, I am dam
} n'ed, now go stick it up your own. Ask:
}
} If you will, I will tell you that Coriolanus
} is quite much maligned, an extent that is heinous
} A good chap he was though old will painted dark
} And that is why now right today this malar-
}
} ey of force on the oceans, and plugholes and hence
} Is not worth a forint, a rupee or pence. All rumour you see've
} if youve wisdom as me. I rest for a moment. I am getting tense.
}
} The force that you seek is established but weak
} It is most equatorial, not near the poles. In teacups and basins
} it's outweighed by raisins, and reasons, and russians, and I cannot
} speak.
}
} Its force is quite negligible let it be said.
} Get that in your noggin, your grey mater, head.
} Repulsive, she tells me, I'm not on the course
} Oh. Lisa has just now served me a divorce.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good lawyer.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1584-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please elucidate the theory behind the deception involved in the
> Appollo Moon Fake where the astronautes went to the sun but we were
> told they all went to the moon. Oh, and because they landed on the sun
> at night, how could they see? Nobody had invented LED eyeglasses back
> then.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see, the fakery started in the very name "astronaut", meaning "star
} navigator". Patently, astronauts (not lunarnauts, you notice) were
} headed for a star. Now if you happen to cast your eyes, sunglasses or
} not, around the heavens to pick a star to travel to, the Sun is the
} closest, by quite a margin, and is a fairly big target.
}
} The deception OF the astronauts was fairly simple. The missions were
} all set around eclipses, so that the moon would seem, at take-off, to
} be in the direct line of sight and so it was quite reasonable for them
} to surmise they were heading for the moon. Of course, after a couple of
} days' travel, the moon had moved around a bit and voila, the sun, bang
} on target as it had been all along.
}
} The question of landing at night, you have put the cart before the
} horse. During the day the sun gets very hot - some sources such as my
} Boy's Book of The Solar System say at the surface, 4000 degrees
} centigrade. Obviously this is way above the melting temperature of any
} metal, and composite materials had not been invented back in the 60s,
} so they had to land at night to make sure the spaceship didn't just
} melt in the heat. What you don't know - it's a bit of a cover up - is
} actually the Sun is only hot and bright on the side facing the Earth.
} On the other side, it is rather dark and nice and cool, and that's
} where they landed. Of course, because of radio interference from the
} corona and penumbra they could not send back any live pictures from the
} dark side of the Sun, this is known as a "radio blackout", and they did
} take some photographs but unfortunately, on their return to the bright
} side of the Sun, one of the astronauts dropped the film out of the
} camera and in the fierce light of the sun it got completely
} overdeveloped and there is not much to see except a fingerprint, which
} is believed to be that of...
}
} No I better not say. It's still all a bit hush-hush.
}
} Their illumination was provided by a couple of old car headlamps and a
} twelve volt battery. Not everything has to be sooper dooper hi tech you
} know.
}
} Suffice to say, we now know that the Sun definitely exists, so it was
} worth all of those billions of dollars to find that out, wasn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a better explanation.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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