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Internet Oracularities #1586

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Internet Oracularities #1586
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Thu, 03 Oct 2019 19:55:22 -0500 (EST)

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1586-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am scared. They are investigating things in which I was involved in,
> where it will look like I was guilty even though I swear I am innocent.
> Rember how Nixon wasn't involved in the stuff they said he was invloved
> into, and then nothing much was done he wasn't impeached, at least not
> mush. I just worked for an agency that does not exist. So why am I
> worried?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, Mr. President. Those people aren't here to investigate you.
} That lady is here to clean the windows, and the gentleman with her
} will empty your waste-paper baskets and sort out your stationery.
}
} > But, how can I know they can be trusted? What if they've been
} > sent here to look at those supposed documents I've supposedly
} > hidden under the false floor of the third drawer of my gray filing
} > cabinet?
}
} Mr. President, they all have impeccable backgrounds and have been
} through very careful security clearances. Mr Fishlop here served under
} three previous Presidents.
}
} > You mean he served under Obama?
}
} Yes.
}
} > He's fired.
}
} Mr. President, are you sure? He is an excellent worker.
}
} > His salary is a very, very, bad deal. Fire him, and hire him back at
} > one-quarter of his wages.
}
} I see, Mr. President. Do you really think that having underpaid office
} staff is the best way to ensure full security? Are you not concerned
} that someone unable to feed their family may be open to bribes?
}
} > The bribes he will be offered will be a bad deal. Offer him twice,
} > nay nine and half times, any other bribes offered to him.
}
} I ... see. And Mr. President, are you ready for your daily duties?
}
} > Sure, what's next?
}
} You asked us to prepare a bill forcing NASA to admit that we never
} travelled to the moon.
}
} > And I sign it right? Just make a big X like I did before?
}
} Yes, Mr. President.
}
} You owe The Oracle permanent residence in New Zealand.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou is able to 'roll it' better than five million
> pastry chefs being coordinated properly, pray tell me.
>
> I've just seen someone say that 'Paul McCartney got many things wrong,
> but he was right about Alan Klein.'
>
> OK, so we know about Alen Klein, but I'm wondering what all these
> things are that Paul McCartney got wrong. Could you list some of Paul
> McCartney's major errors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why certainly. So can any man. But Henry IV, part 1, Act 3, Scene 1.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tellme the story of how Mary and Joseph lost Jesus for three
> whole days before noticing. I'd like to hear how this is even
> possible.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Precession of the Equinoxes. Not well understood at the time, kept
} moving Xmas around on the calendar.
}
} "What day is it, anyway? And where's the Baby?"
}
}   "Damfino. This equinox stuff has me staying up too late. I thought
} you had Him."
}
} "Have you checked behind the sofa?"
}
}   "Yes, there were three missing days back there, but I didn't find the
} Baby."
}
} "I was going to look behind the fridge, but we don't have one yet."
}
}   "Oh, there He is. Right in the manger, sound asleep. Trust in The
} Lord, I always say, trust in The Lord."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-04
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle,
>
> I have traveled far to see you. I have voyaged since before recorded
> browser history, traversing archives of humor mailings and braving
> Google Search results, so I could humbly present my question to you as
> I do now.
>
> ...Do you like tacos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my goodness, you are dredging the Sands of Time! When he wasn't in
} Quebec or Los Angeles Doug Kenney almost wrote Teenage Commies from
} Outer Space (TACOS) back when almost everyone was zoned out on
} something. As someone once said, "If you can remember the sixties, you
} weren't there."
}
} This is serious Zen, or it would be if my motorcycle worked better. No,
} that was Zen, this is Tao.
}
} Wait a minute! Wait a minute! YOU!! It was you who stole my motorcycle
} when trying to grovel back in 340-01, from 1991. That's like halfway
} back to 1963.
}
} You owe the Oracle the return of that 1962 Ducati Scrambler. It had
} better be restored to original condition.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle the most bizarre and terrible experience occurred to
> me last night.  At some point in the evening my offspring awoke hungry
> and afraid.  I went into the kitchen to prepare sustenance and turned
> on the light.  This is where my whole problem began.  Being a smarter
> supplicant than most I kept one eye shut so that my night vision would
> not be ruined when I had to return to the offspring's bedroom to
> placate his demands for food.  The rushing of the water filling the
> bottle triggered a natural urge to urinate, so I proceeded to the
> bathroom with one eye closed.  This is where things get strange.  With
> one eye closed I proceeded to begin the urination process and this is
> where things went strange.  Without the aid of depth perception it was
> a much more challenging task to maintain proper aim.  When all was said
> and done there were many casualties.  Time being late and me being
> lazy, I left cleanup for the next day.
>
> Now I must know, oh great wise one, how expensive of a gift do I need
> to now purchase for my wife who later that night used the same restroom
> in her socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two things:
} 1. Clean socks. 12 pair. Nice ones, but not too nice.
} 2. A separate bathroom for you. Outside. Like the kind with a moon
}    carved in the door, and spiders crawling all over.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-06
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scribbely, Scrabble
> Alfred Lord Ternnyson
> Wrote "In Memoriam"
> Over the years
>
> Hundreds and Hundreds of
> Octosyllabical
> Lines about life that will
> Bore you to tears.
>
> So tell me, Dear Oracle
> pungent and nascent, what
> Will make a dactyl that
> I can then sell?
>
> It needn't be long, I'm all
> Tergiversatory
> Give me the answer or
> Damn me to hell.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higgledy-piggledy
} Checking your spelling
} Alfred Lord Tennyson
} Gave you the shaft.
}
} You wrote an R making
} Tennyson Ternnyson
} Trying to illustrate
} How you are daft.
}
} This kind of grovelling
} Turns the digestion
} And switches your money
}  From silver to purple.
}
} Stuck for a rhyme I
} Now start inventing
} Ridiculous words such as
} Dilver and murple.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On some mysterious day just recently <oracle@internetoracle.org> wrote:
>
> > You owe the Oracle a more imaginative question.
>
> You know, I had a dream, an amazing dream with all sorts of stuff I
> didn't understand. Also I dreamed about this hootomunguously beautiful
> girl but I never got closer than eight feet away from her. Not close
> enough. Please help me imagine what she and I would do, especially if
> she didn't have that ugly boyfriend. He looks strong. Probably
> football. Plays hunchback for Notre Dame. His face rings a bell.
>
> Anyway, explain how to make my dreams work better, and with REAL girls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm dreaming of a good question
} Just like the ones I used to get
} Where queue-fillers is missing
} And supplicants listen
} To get wisdom words by mail
}
} I'm dreaming of a good question
} With every askme that I write
} May your questions be merry and bright
} And may all your answers be wise.
}
} I'm dreaming of a good question
} Just like the ones I used to get
} Where queue-fillers is missing
} And supplicants listen
} To get wisdom words by mail

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In church we sing hymns. I feel that this is somehow exclusionary and
> wrong, and that we also should sing hermns as well, or perhaps simply
> sing thermns. Please tell me how to get my way in this effort, as I
> will be working against Forces of Evil that are stronger than I would
> ever want to be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Switch to Oraclemns!
}
} Mine be the Glory, answering, conquering one!
} Endless is the victory I over supplicants won!
} Incarnations with bri-ight wisdom drained the queue away!
} Fried the dumb su-pli-cants when they 'woodchuck' said!
} Mine be the Glory, answering, conquering one!
} Endless is the victory I over supplicants won!
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete Oracular Psalm Book.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to learn how to gargle in Russian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By using Gargle Translate.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1586-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain these "microaggressions" and how people can get
> macro-offended at them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's like when you are cutting your toenail on your little toe and you
} cut it just slightly too short. You take the toenail clippers and throw
} them at the wall. They bounce off the wall and hit the cat. The cat
} leaps into the air as only cats can do, and knocks over the vase of
} imitation flowers that was sitting on the grand piano where a
} candelabra should have been. Unfortunately your grandpa, who is getting
} older each year (unlike me), had watered the imitation flowers, and the
} water spills into the piano.
}
} As a person of decidedly undecided fantastical mental abilities, you
} expect that the piano should automatically begin playing a combination
} of Handel's Water Music and Confrey's Kitten on the Keys. It does not,
} and you feel slightly offended. You notice that your feeling is due to
} a microagression on the part of the Steinway Piano Company, even though
} the piano is a Baldwin.
}
} You also feel tremendously offended by me, The Amazing Internet Oracle,
} for my failure to take your attitude seriously.
}
} You owe the Oracle a player-piano roll for his Knabe Ampico model B
} that actually does have that impossible combination mentioned above. If
} you can't accomplish that, a roll with Bach's Rube Goldberg Variations
} will do.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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