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Internet Oracularities #1588

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Internet Oracularities #1588
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 2020 07:05:41 -0500 (EST)

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1588-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I received a Bill of Divorcement that complained about spelling errors,
> but it had a spelling error in it.
>
> Wait a minute, it didn't.
>
> It complained about complaining about them.
>
> Please repair my brain, but no harsh zotting this time, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were it a Bill of Divorcement, it would have already offended against
} English as She is Spoke, and would not be enforceable (or indeed
} enforceable). Were it a Bill of Divorce, the petitioner has at least
} got past the language lawyers.
}
} Let's assume the hindmore. What we have here is a case involving what
} we lawyers call "reductio ad absurdum". This is when one complainant
} (ex parte non gratia) says "tu quoquo", and in arcadia ego sum. You do
} not complain about the complaint about the complaint: that would be
} foolish (in re R. vs.  Lousiana: definition of "Purchase", Republique
} francais intervening: Geo IV 257 II et seq).
}
} Instead plead the Fifth and stay schtum ("qui non dicitur est, pax
} est"). After thirty days if the respondent has not responded, and your
} response has been not to respond, the Court will dismiss in your
} flavor.
}
} Ex judice and all that. You owe the Oracle a Blakewell Tart.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Same as previous question, but correct two of the terms.
>
> For borons read bosons.
>
> For hardons read hadrons.
>
> The result if I am successful will be a new source of energy for the
> good of us all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Still the same answer. Take the Meisens and the morons and smack them
} together, as described in Steinbeck et. al. "Of Meisen Men". Once this
} has sent you pottery, add saltpetre and fire in a kilner jar until the
} colour of euchre. Remove and spin on a perpetual motion machine into
} fine wire.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 54-gallon drum of sodium (night rate).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Time to revise and deconstruct my vague understanding of platitudes. I
> think they run slideways through the plongitudes.
>
> None of them is (or are) from Plato, from Aristotle, from Pluto, or
> from Decatur.
>
> If you can give me an illustration of what I mean when I am totally
> confused, I'll be able to phrase this question in a more answerable
> form.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're being far too tangential. Secant you shall find.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quarter for the trigonometer.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-04
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ever notice English redundant words? More efficient use fewer words.
> Agree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you have said in the message that you sent to me and that I
} received certainly bears thoughtful contemplation. One must bear in
} mind (without actually having bears inside the head) is that your
} proposed style appears to be, yes perhaps even is, remarkably scrawny.
} There's no meat on the bones. The pot roast is missing the pot, which
} you could go and buy from any pot dealer. Notice how easily we can be
} led astray into delightful territory far removed from the communicative
} task at hand. While attempting to discuss the art of language, we
} suddenly find the envelope as interesting as the letter, of even more
} so. Our focus suddenly becomes the tiny postage stamp, and we are swept
} into the hobby of stamp collecting, and thence into riding horses or
} sailing ships, both of which have appeared on postage stamps many
} times.
}
} Conclusion? Your words wrong.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose vision is endless, whose sight is flawless, whose
> vanishing point is infinite, please tell me:
>
> I wanted to take a snap but I dropped the thing and now I can't find
> it. Where is my camera obscura?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's in the darkroom, right where you left it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a NEW question about the speed of dark. And this
} time omit the bagpipes.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-06
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose nose for a scam is as big as a ham, please tell me:
>
> I've recently received an email purporting be from the Egyptian
> Minister of the Interior, saying that if I send ten small payments and
> add my name to their mailing list, I will help assure the survival of
> his ancient tombs as well as having a chance of winning a trip down the
> Nile to see the Valley of the Kings.
>
> Am I being sold down the river? Is this just a pyramid scheme?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you cannot see through this scam you are in denial.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of Camels.
}
} No, forget that. No smoking allowed here.
}
} Instead make that a full set of the books by Elizabeth Peters.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> this is the worse questoin i ever ax you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a puzzle question? I love these.
}
} So, "ask" is spelt "ax". That has to mean something.
} "Questoin" has the last three letters wrong, and "worse" should be
} "worst".
}
} So, combine the incorrectly spelt letters and we have: "taxion".
} This is a theoretical elementary particle that is thought to transmit
} "tax", either in the monetary sense, or in the "taxing questions"
} sense.
} The most taxing question is, of course, "How much tax would the taxman
} tax, if a taxman could tax tax?"
}
} The reductio ad absurdam of this is that taxing tax results in an
} exponential decay of all money that is distributed, so that it's not
} worth the paper that it's written on (although spare bank notes are
} suitable replacements for toilet paper in these troubled times).
}
} But why would you be asking such a basic question? No supplicant can
} poissibly be that stupid (I mean, I know they've tried but, still...)
}
} Ah, I missed the grammatical error: "this" should be "This". The
} important point is the "T".
}
} So, you're asking a taxing question about "Tea".
}
} To which the answer is, no you sub-normal colonial, you cannot be
} released from the tea tax. If we do that, then you'll only go and
} elect your own moronic government who couldn't get themselves out of a
} pickle jar that had already had the lid unscrewed.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to postpone the Boston Tea Party until
} social-distancing requirements are over and we can party like it's
} 1773 all over again.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why isn't the English language spelled the way it is written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beecahz then it wud luk rillee weerd.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The doctor said that when my brother fell he broke his humerus. That is
> of course the funny bone. Please give me three jokes that will help him
> recover. They have to be good for someone who has lost his sense of
> humor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An actual joke, eh? I haven't heard one of those for some time.
} According to my records, your brother is human, so we'll need a joke
} that appeals to the lowest common denominator. Zadoc, you're lower
} than most, what's your favourite joke?
}
} "What's brown and sticky? A Pooh stick!"
}
} Yes, thank you, Zadoc, for completely mis-remembering that joke. Any
} more?
}
} "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was practising
} social-distancing."
}
} Any chance of something that's actually funny?
}
} "When did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Half-past eight because
} his tooth really hurt and he managed to get an early appointment."
}
} I mean, well done on not using a racist punchline, but less well done
} on understanding the concept of actual humour. Please show yourself
} out.
}
} Zadoc turns around, but steps on a banana-skin that had been left
} there by Gerald, my pet chimpanzee. He slips out of the door, into a
} mop-bucket, and careens down the corridor, just missing two mime
} artists carrying a sheet of invisible glass. His journey only stops
} when his head smashes through a wall and appears in place of a
} moose-head trophy, which is about to be used in a game of darts.
}
} Is that good enough for your brother? If not please don't write in,
} I'm having all supplicants' email destroyed to prevent viral
} infection. I know email can't carry coronavirus, but it gets me some
} peace and quiet.
}
} You owe the Oracle some eggs, pasta, toilet roll, and chopped
} tomatoes. Oh, I've got plenty for myself, I'm just trying to set up an
} online delivery store.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1588-10
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the good and bad of being a virgin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good:  Scripture reveals that you get to enjoy the numerical
} superiority of outnumbering the men in Heaven by 72 to 1.
}
} Bad: Scripture reveals that the Prophet (pubah) saw that the majority
} of the people in hell were women.
}
} You owe the Oracle an acceptable correction to the mathematics of the
} uncorrectable Scripture.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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