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Internet Oracularities #1589

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Internet Oracularities #1589
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Jun 2020 19:18:51 -0500 (EST)

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1589-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don'tcha just hate those guessing games that continue long after the
> guesser has lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not really. My supplicants (including you) are terrible at reading
} my mind. I keep them going over and over again. Losers every one of
} them. Including you. The Germans have a word for taking delight in
} failures accomplished by others. They call it schadenfreude. Keeps ME
} happy.
}
} You owe the Oracle another failure. Yaaaay!!!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Waarom kan ik geen orakels vinden die mijn vragen in de Nederlandse
> taal kunnen beantwoorden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Help, the Dutch are revolting! For some reason, the resident Dutch
} Oracle has gone missing and is no longer answering questions.
}
} Don't tell me, Hans is taking full advantage of the current injunction
} to "Stay home and wash your Hans".
}
} Well, clearly I need to find a replacement. Perhaps if I get Zadoc to
} dress in clogs, suspenders, and a flat cap he would somehow start
} speaking Dutch? Given the mental image I've just come up with,
} involving only those items of clothing, perhaps not.
}
} Actually, given that I've been speaking English since 3548 BC (Before
} Corona) and the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, French, Germans, and even
} the Americans have managed to understand me perfectly, there's not
} much point in speaking Dutch, is there?
}
} You owe the Oracle the reason why:
} "Omdat we niet lijden aan een Meervroudigepersoonlijkheidsstoornissen."
} is a funny answer to your question.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Talk trash with me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc has again fallen behind in his duties.
}
} If you'll look in the unused dungeon beneath the fourth sub-basement,
} next to the server rooms, you'll find about 17 or maybe 1700 bags of
} trash. Take them all, one at a time so you don't injure your pride, to
} the rubbish tip site just over the edge of the tip-top high spot place
} slightly beyond Mt. Olympus.
}
} If you cannot get to Olympus, the next-best choice is the Florida
} "mountain" called Sugarloaf Mountain.
}
} Please be careful to check each bag for snoozing priests. Zadoc
} frequently take naps in them instead of taking out the trash.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-04
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am an M. She is an F. What are the trannies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle responds with oblique reference to old chemistry joke about cis
} versus trans isomers.
}
} Supplicant scratches head. Flakes hit the floor.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a vee see are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of the recipe for haggis. (Reach down inside a sheep, turn it
} inside out, fill with porridge, and serve it up in a bagpipe bag.) For
} safety, use the plaid tartan with polka dots.
}
} Record your haggo-preparational actions on a video in 1991, which you
} sell for a lot of money. By 2002 you will be rich, and by 2008 you'll
} be broke again. Time for another haggis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DVD containing "Street Gangs of Sula Sgeir in the
} Outer Hebrides."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-06
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> H-hi, uh, wh-what are you in for? I, uh, (gasp), stabbed myself in the
> chest just moments after my superpowers wore off. Luckily (groan), I
> missed my vital organs and they were able to save me. Unfortunately, I
> have to wear this for a while, maybe tell them the whole story once
> their minds are open to it again.
>
> But anyway, (ow), what are you in for? (sigh)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'll remember back to number 638, I was in for:
}    * Disturbio de la paz
}    * Manejando un automovil sobre la influencia del alcohol
}    * Defecacion publica en la playa
}    * Solicitacion de prostitutas
}    * Vomitando sobre un agente de policia
}    * Indecencia publica con un burro
}    * Imitaciones miserables de Cantinflas
}
} Lies, all lies! I was framed! It was some incarnation pretending to be
} me. After all, when I drive under the influence of alcohol I can handle
} the car perfectly well. And in spite of my tremendous and Oracular
} Omniscience I would not know how to perform an imitation of Cantinflas,
} either good or bad.
}
} If you are running a poker game, I'm in for $5.
}
} You owe the Oracle $5.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ossome Oracle, whose odious supplicants overflow your queues, I need
> your official help.
>
> We are totally devastivated by the recent events of devastivation that
> have descendered upon our small but totally poor and trustworthy
> abode. The roof has fallen in, and the walls are fallen out. The
> ceiling wax has all melted and is crawling sideways, like centipees
> trying to be crabs.
>
> Yesterday the barometer was falling to heights previously unobtainable
> under the previous presidency. It went through the devastivated floor.
>
> How can I get the barometer back? I need a full explanation with soft
> and reassuring cooing noises, not merely a few words of
> disunencouragementable blather like others give me. You are so
> reliable! At least occasionally.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters meteorological I need to use some jargon
} So assume (from basic facts) that the barom is filled with argon
} It's a gas that's lighter than the air
} And off it flies we know what where
}
} In days gone past the thing was made with
} Quicksilver that nicely stayed
} the thing quite sound, being heavy
} But injuries were quite a levy
}
} Some will try with horsehair to
} Make their barom do what to do
} But that will stretch with aught humidity
} Beyond what' in a reader's cupidity
}
} Other strain gauges have been tried but
} Most rely on goold old catgut
}
} Once you find the cat and feed her
} Then you will get back your meter.
}
} You owe the Oracle the weather reports from coastal stations.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain the significance of the f-bomb, and how no one ever
> says, "May you die a virgin," or something like it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are hopelessly confused, which means you are one of my normal
} supplicants.
}
} The F-bomb is just before the G-bomb, which is the Bomb of Gilead, as
} found in the Holy Scriptures. I know you are thinking of the Wholly or
} Holey Scriptures, but that's just another way you are wrong. All this
} religious stuff has fouled up your brain, and you are hoping to meet
} the Virgin Mary, and that'll never happen. The best you can hope for is
} some extra-virgin olive oil. You won't even the Revised Standard Virgin
} of the Bible.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Q-Bomb, complete with mouse.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-09
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me please!!!!! I am flying my paper airplane here near the
> Bermuda Triangle and it keeps disappearing. Could you please
> paint the triangle orange so that I can see it again? I am
> lots without your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters trigonometric
} Don't be hectic
} The answer is geometric
} If you take the non-euclidian space of a sphere and work out the
} coordinates in the complex plane and then reduce them to the scalar
} with a simple vectric
}
} In short, the earth's curve
} Has made you swerve
} Off your intended course
} But considering the finite nature of the latitudes and the various
} winds around those parts it is as easy as falling off a horse
}
} Take sextant and sun
} Make so optic makes one
} That will give you the lat
} And then it is a simple matter of finding the long and any simple
} chronometer (as built by Harrison) will easily tell you that
}
} Now you have lat and long, and that's plane
} sailing, so now once again
} Horizontal be. Soon
} The old sun is at noon
} And at that point at its zenith you can determine your affine error
} from the azimuth within a correction of about two minutes of arc with
} a reasonably good lens
}
} If all else fails consult the stars
} Remain quite happy where you are
} To travel elsewhere's only worse
} It could be full of people who spend their lives doing affine
} matrices or hyperbolic cosines or write incredibly incoherent verse
}
} You owe the Oracle three meters, ten seconds, six degrees of freedom,
} and a little buoy he once met in Panama.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1589-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does God ever get bored?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember "the problem of evil"? Like why does God, being omnipotent and
} totally good and everything, let evil exist?
}
} Entertainment.
}
} Theologians everywhere should listen to me more often.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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