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Internet Oracularities #159

Goto:
159, 159-01, 159-02, 159-03, 159-04, 159-05, 159-06, 159-07, 159-08, 159-09, 159-10


Usenet Oracularities #159    (11 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 20 May 90 16:30:20 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

159   11 votes 12440 13520 01325 25301 05501 42320 32222 16400 11810 20504
159   2.8 mean  3.0   2.7   4.0   2.4   2.7   2.3   2.8   2.3   2.8   3.4


159-01    (12440 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In System V/386 UNIX, what file do you edit to control the default home
> directory for users?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd probably be better off asking a consultant about this one, but
} what the hell, I'll give it a go.
}
} Your best bet would be to edit your .cshrc file to include the line
}
} %message from system!iuvax
} %Due to the installation of new software, memory usage will be
} %severely curtailed for the next half-hour. We apologize for the
} %inconvenience.
}
} Oh NO!
} Duhhhhh.... Me hate it when that happens. Uhh...durrr...what was you
} question? Oh yeah! Somethin' 'bout directories. If you got
} directories, just swig some Pepto-Bismol. Always works fer me! Ha ha!
}
} You owes da Oracle
}
} %message from system!iuvax
} %I'm afraid that CPU time will also be severly curtailed. I would
} %suggest saving any important projects for later. Sorry!
}
} Ook-ook! Eek! Drool! Slobber!
}
} %message from system!iuvax
} %Whoops! I take it back, everything's okay!
}
} Dammit! I WANT MY OWN SYSTEM!
} Anyway, about default home directories
}
} %message from system!iuvax
} %System going down in 5 seconds
}
} SHIT!
} Inordertocontroltheusersdefaulthomedirectoryitisnecessarytochange
} thelineinthe.cshrcfilethatsays


159-02    (13520 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is that everyone at the computer center assumes that just because
> you wear glasses and spend your time playing Moria or writing you, O
> Wonderful Oracle, that you would be happy to answer their inane
> questions about their pascal programming assignments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty obvious, one would think.  But the Oracle'll spell it out for
} you.  They see that you are acquainted with such arcana as e-mail and
} trickier computer games (Moria is the Oracle's favorite, too).  They
} assume that you get satisfaction from your near-mastery of computers.
} They also see that you wear glasses, whereas if you were really
} socially-adept you would either have perfect eyesight or wear contacts,
} preferably those that change your eye color.  They put all these
} together:  ah!  understands computers, feels good when he can influence
} things, wears glasses -> will be able and pleased to answer questions in
} return for feelings of superiority and crumbs of social interaction.
}
} If the Oracle didn't believe in Truth, Justice and the American Way, It
} would suggest that you tell these people lies, or give vague or
} misleading answers.  After a while they might catch on.  But you're Too
} Nice and so is the Oracle, and we wouldn't do nasty things like that.


159-03    (01325 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo who are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Oracle, of course. It's obvious you haven't done this before,
} so I'll explain how this works.
}
} Send your question to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. Be sure to begin
} your letter with lots of flowery praise. Do not use any of the
} following openings:
}
} TYPE OF BOO-BOO          EXAMPLE                PUNISHMENT
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} None          " "                             Spending eternity
}                                               sucking lava through
}                                               an iron straw
}
} Sarcastic     "Oh, Oracle, you whose          Spontaneous
}               shit smells like roses..."      disembowelment
}
} Obscure       "Oracle, you whose ventricle    Coming back as Zsa-Zsa
}               does not tintinabulate,         Gabor's underwear
}               whose smallest robot I am
}               unworthy to catalog..."
}
} Two months later, a homing pigeon will smash through your living room
} window, dance the lambada with your salt shaker, deposit a small
} capsule and leave.
}
} In the capsule will be a small piece of paper with three numbers on
} it. Take these numbers to the Middle Eastern gentleman who runs the
} Slurpee machine at the 7-11. He will nod knowingly and cold cock you.
}
} When you wake up in the hospital, you will find more numbers tatooed
} on your chest. Your nurse will look at these numbers and gasp, then
} rip open her blouse to reveal large, firm breasts with more numbers
} tatooed upon them. Put these numbers together and they will spell out
} an exact location in Turkey in latitude and longitude.
}
} Buy a plane ticket to Turkey and hike out to the location. After
} digging for several minutes you will encounter a ceramic albatross.
} Break it open. Inside you will find a mystic scripture and three
} pounds of hashish. You will then be arrested by several police
} officers who were hiding behind a tree.
}
} When you get inside the prison, seek out the man with no teeth
} performing perversions upon himself in the corner. Ask him about the
} crystal. He will give a large green crystal. Hold it in the air and
} recite the mystic scripture. There will be a big stinky explosion,
} causing the wardens to believe that your colon detonated and you will
} be transported to a small cave.
}
} Recite the words on the cave wall a million times without stopping.
} This may take a few tries, but what the hell, you're young! When you
} succeed, a small computer terminal will mysteriously materialize.
} Logon as anonymous and read your mail. The Oracle's reply will be
} there! Probably something along the lines of
}
} "Throw chocolate syrup in her face and go watch the Munsters.
}  You owe the Oracle a Twinkie"
}
} Ah, cosmic knowledge! It's worth any price, is it not?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Twinkie.


159-04    (25301 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eye fined my-shelf come-pulse-sieve-lee may-king terrier-bull ponce (Eye
> mien PUNS).  Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ewe knead two seize bee ing this weigh bee four the pole lease are rest
} ewe.
}
} Ro lsee ouy sumt genib geainksp ni rmanagsa.


159-05    (05501 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, melliflous, mandibled Oracle,
> kindly reply to my query rhetorical...
>
> Now I know this girl
> or I should say this "being"
> we met at a party
> & now her I'm seeing.
> Her sensuous voice
> turns me to gelatin,
> but see, she's got this
> exoskeleton...
> & compound eyes...
> it's pretty revolting,
> especially when
> her hull she is moulting.
> Now I'm in no position
> to ever a lay shun,
> but how can I mate
> with a horny crustacean?
>
> Have you had any experience in this department, Oh Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is a story
} That starts not in a deli
} Concerning one "Corey"
} And this lobster named "Shelly."
}
} It actually started
} In this small boat so crude,
} When Corey departed
} From land to find food.
}
} His net caught this lobster,
} And when Corey did clinch it,
} It fought like a mobster,
} And the lobster did pinch "it."
}
} (The "it" that I mention
} Has many a reference.
} You can bet your life's pension
} To it women take preference!)
}
} This pinch, by a long shot,
} Was so well delivered,
} It got Corey real hot
} And then Corey quivered.
}
} "You are my shelly one,
} My little pup."
} But she reaked like a smelly one,
} So Corey washed her up.
}
} He was in love,
} As anyone could see,
} With this creature of
} The deep blue sea.
}
} But life was unkind
} Corey confided,
} 'Cause he couldn't find
} A good place to slide "it."
}
} So he was depressed
} As his boat would further sail,
} So much impressed
} by this crusty female.
}
} It was just impossible
} And, yes, much too lewd
} To make that line crossable
} Between man and seafood.
}
} Although such a "could-not"
} Appealed to him much,
} Society would not
} Deem it as such.
}
} So Corey did call
} Yours truly (the Oracle),
} And did on his knees fall
} In a posture implorical.
}
} He said, "What's the deal?
} Why can't I be happy?
} Why must I so feel
} So miserably crappy?"
}
} And thus from my mouth,
} "Don't let it get to you.
} If your heart goes down south,
} It'll prob'bly unglue you.
}
} "I can solve your plight;
} Just send my your Shelly
} One one first-class flight
} To the town of New Dehli."
}
} Shelly said to me,
} "Oh can you please tell us
} How Corey can do me
} In a manner so zealous?"
}
} So I did act a wizard.
} (The first time I did fail;
} She turned into a lizard
} With a big scaly tail.)
}
} I did finally fix her
} To be one atrractive
} And when I did "mix her,"
} She was extremely reactive!
}
} Corey's now living
} With Shelly in Boise
} And they are now making
} A racket so noisy.
}
} So send me your shelled one,
} And I'll work 'til I'm red
} To make her a well one
} To do wonders in bed.
}
} And what do I ask
} For this service of mine?
} Simply a flask
} Of aphrodesiac wine.


159-06    (42320 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It is my best friend's wedding on Saturday, so please reply quickly.
> She didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid:  what form should my revenge take?
>
> (Before you get clever - I am a woman.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?? Hmm... mail to Dear Abby must be coming through my netlink now...
} irritating... Oh well, I must answer...
}
} You could always seduce the husband.
}
} You owe the Oracle a forwarding address that will get E-mail to Dear
} Abby


159-07    (32222 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me:
>
> After all the paint strippers and the alcohol-based removers, after all
> the soap and all the face towels, after chiseling away at all that caked
> on, stuck on stuff, what does Tammy Bakker *really* look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot sandblasting.
}
} This is a rather odd question--like asking "what's _Friday_the_13th_
} Part_5_ REALLY like, without all the gore?"  Can you imagine a
} dramatic reading of the _Friday_the_13th_Part_Five_ screenplay?  It
} would be something unnatural, something no one was meant to hear--a
} foul, slovenly performance which would drag its audience to the very
} brink of the rancid of abyss of mediocrity, forcing them to stare
} wide-eyed into its void, their hapless sphincters reduced to jelly,
} their very bone marrow curdling with revulsion.  It's the same with
} Tammy Faye.
}
} However, it is possible to vaguely envision a completely stripped-down
} Tammy.  Just picture a combination of Woody Allen sans glasses, a Gila
} monster with really bad psoriasis, Phyllis Diller with a hangover at 6
} AM, and the bat-like creatures described in H.P. Lovecraft's _The
} Festival_.  But don't try too hard.  It's not a good idea.


159-08    (16400 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise & witty Oracle, possesor of speedy hardware and
> bug-free software:
>
>       Richard Simmons told radio talk-show host Howard Stern that
> he wanted to have a baby within the next year.  He said that he
> had a list of women who he was going to ask to be the mother.
>
>       Who's on the list?  I'm hoping a letter writing campaign can
> be waged to talk them out of it...the last thing we need are more
> Richard Simmons' wandering around pushing goofy diet plans!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm glad you asked this.  Those of you who are fortunate enough to
} be living modern lives may have seen this on TV, when Dick read the list
} out loud on one of his exercise specials.  Here is a transcript of it:
}
} --Trancsript beings--
}
} Ready? And...
} One: Jane Fonda
} ...Four, One, Two, 'cause just imagine how healthy our child would be!
} Four, One, Two, Three and
} Two: Ann Margaret...
} Four, One, Two, Three, 'cause she's just so special!
} Three and One, Two, Three (pant)
} Three: Debbie Gibson...
} One, Two, I know she's young, but I think we'd make divine music
} together!  Two, Three, and,
} Four: Dolly Parton...
} ...Four, One, Two, Three, She's a special firend of mine,
} Three, Four, One, Two, Three or
} Five: Traci Lords...
} Four, have you ever seen her in "Ladies in Lace?"... no, ha ha, just
} kidding, Three Four, One, Two, Three, Four, One, I know you can do it!,
} One, Two, Three, Four, One, Two, Three, and
} Six! Betty Crocker...
} One, Two, Three, so I could get her to cut all those fattening foods out
} of her cookbooks!, Three, Four, One, Two, and last,
} Seven: Fergie
} ...Three, Four, imagine me with a child as an heir to the throne!
} Alright! Wow, wasn't that fun!
}
} --End of transcript--
}
} Unofortunately Dick doesn't seem to understand quite who Fergie is, oh
} well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the movie mentioned above.  Beta please.


159-09    (11810 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I buy tuna that results in the killing of as many dolphins
> as possible?  I hate the filthy brutes and want to see them extinct.
> I'd go and shoot some if only I had the money to
>
> Uh, Oracle, excuse the guy who wrote the start of this message.  I
> let him type that so that you could see just how sick he really is.
> He suffered a deep psychic trauma while watching reruns of "Flipper"
> and ever since has hated all dolphins, porpoises and whales.  Can you
> suggest a cure?  I mean the poor maniac is living on tuna and writing
> hate mail to conservationist groups, and he's got _Moby-Dick_ almost
> memorized and keeps trying to steal scrimshaw from museums, and he
> sleeps with a harpoon next to him in bed in case any whales show up
> during the night.  Please help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you have come to the right place.
} You see, my mother in law is a tuna.  Or at least she looks like one.
} I'll be glad to help you, if only you wait until he's taken her
} out.
} There are many ways to stop your comrade from eating all this tuna,
} I'll give you my top ten:
}
} 10)  Spike the mayonaise with rat poison.
} 9)  Make him play Go Fish two hundred times consecutively.
} 8)  Force him to watch Bambi.  (At least he'll be eating meat instead
} of fish)
} 7)  Toss him in an Ocean.  (for good measure if nothing else)
} 6)  Have him talk to a freudian psychologist who can convince him that
} his mother's a dolphin.
} 5)  Take him to Sea World
} 4)  Force him to watch all the Jaws movies.
} 3)  #4, but consecutively.
} 2)  Get him a hobby.  (May I suggest Lisa)
} 1)  Have him meet my mother in law.
}
} You owe the Oracle 6 cans of Chicken of the Sea.
} (In mineral water, of course.  The vegetable oil is too fattening)


159-10    (20504 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you really Elvis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not.  Don't be cruel.


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