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Internet Oracularities #1591

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Internet Oracularities #1591
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2020 21:08:02 -0500 (EST)

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1591-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Albatross? Where did I get this albatross?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the old mysterious albatross in the mail scam. It works like this.
}
} First, you receive an albatross in the mail. You'll notice that the
} box has a Nigerian postmark, and no actual return address.
}
} Then, usually within a week, you'll receive an email. The sender will
} say that they sent you an albatross in the mail, but only intended to
} send you a pigeon. They'll ask you to send the balance back to them,
} with the difference between an albatross and a pigeon according to
} valuemybird.com being two pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You, being an
} honest and upstanding citizen, as well as being more naive than a
} stale bowl of custard, send them the pheasants and hedge sparrow by
} return mail.
}
} Sometime after this, you'll notice that the albatross hasn't moved. If
} you follow the same path as many unfortunate people before you, you'll
} gingerly investigate the albatross (having previously been too scared
} to go within range of that meaty pinkish beak, and look closer. Yes,
} it'll be a fake albatross, typically made of a variety of unused items
} such as dandelion fluff and skillfully carved asbestos.
}
} So, you then realise that you have received a valueless (and
} potentially toxic) fake bird, and in response you have sent the
} scammer two real pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You see how it works?
}
} You owe The Oracle nothing. In fact I'll give you something from
} myself. Just sign into www.paypal_actually_not_and_dodgy_as_hell.com
} with your details and you'll find I've sent you a cool $1000 to do
} with as you please.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Another dream, but I don't expect an explanation this time. Writing on
> the wall. MANY MANY TICKLE ORACLE. But one man's Mede is another man's
> Persian. I am wrong, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The mural graffiti
} my supplicant sweetie,
} Is Yiddish, not Greek
} Wrong wall do you seek
}
} When golden rain falls
} You will find in the stalls
} of the public urinal
} Your verdict and final.
}
} -ly there it is writ
} Midst the grout and the grit
} The answer you seek
} Either now or next week.
}
} Now mead, by the bee
} Made's of honey, you see?
} Its sweetness you strive
} To obtain from its hive
}
} But the sting's in the tale
} So henceforth shall you wail
} From henceforth till next week
} Blessed ONLY the meek.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cap in hand

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What an argument. I mean agreement. You could not do better. My
> sediments exactly.
>
> What's at the bottom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters vinicultural, you'll find towards the base
} Of barrels, bottles, jars et al a thin film: it's the case
} That this is a bacterium that common folk called "yeast"
} And fermentation then occurs - of that you know, at least?
}
} The yeast absorbs the sugars and excretes an ethanol
} It does the yeast some harm - it dies of pois'nous alcohol
} The Volstead Act did never say the yeast should cease production
} But at over twenty weight by vol the poor dears cease to function
}
} They thence descend into the base to die and carbonating
} It adds the fizzness to the brew, a day or two, it is exasperating
} The yeasts can do more- they're dead, with nothing left to do
} But invite some others, lambic strains, to add to the top brew
}
} Those are the laws, despite your depravity
} Of specific and original gravity.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-04
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Remember about 1985 or something like that when you received an
> anonymous and really stupid question from someone claiming to be
> Clembert X. Poochnozzle, or some other silly name that could have been
> even worse? And you thought that I was the perpetrator?
>
> Well, I have an excuse. I didn't to it. I was forced at gnupoint by
> evil people who looked sort of like your assistant Zadoc over there,
> except they had clean hands.
>
> Anyway, that's so old and it's all milk under the damn by now.
>
> Speaking of old things, what's the best way to return to those
> thrilling and ancient days of the IBM 7094, the 1403, the 1620, and
> the 650? Back when men were antelopes and cowboys were programmers,
> slaughtering bugs for fun and profit. Also the Royal McBee LGP-30.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle entirely disdains your spurious remarks about longevity. The
} Oracle remembers, back in the eighties, when Lisa was a mere gymslip
} and now she has blossomed into a handsome and full bodied (if somewhat
} menopausal) well let's not get into that, where was I. Excuse me in my
} infinite age but sometimes I forget where I put my bifocals.
}
} Right, let's get to it. On the old 7094 it was impossible to have clean
} hands as Zadoc (who is peculiar by his absence whenever these matters
} arise) had to punch the keys in what IBM described at page 22
} "Reasonable force" but Z understood that as "Hit it and hope".. in my
} oracular duties as the hypervisor n VM/360 I did occasionally send to
} terminal 44.123 in EBCDIC, that is translated, "Keep your greasy
} maulers off it". This is the basic instruction of any system admin,
} please do not touch the machines.
}
} So the ill-tempered klaviers tended to get fingerprints from people wo
} would disobey that instruction, and I would then take further steps to
} ensure they had absolutely no chance of ever using a computer ever
} again. You ask my Fred Brooks, that was a time when cowboys ate goulash
} and women were nonexistent, at least not near my computers, thank you
} very much. I did have a few small boys but you can't prove that in
} court.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Octal numbers 0 to 7, and an explanation of APL
} in, in APL.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-05
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wrote  poem that had this line:
>
>    "I will never again, not ever, be the person I was before."
>
> Then I paid money for a publisher to put it in a book of poetry I
> write, well most of it, but some of it I took from other poems like "I
> think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree." But allot
> of it was partly mine.
>
> The typesetter got the line wrong, and my poetry book says:::
>
>      "I will never again, not ever, be the prison I was before."
>
> Yes, prison, not person.
>
> What should I do? I feel like writing a poem about dead typesetters.
> Or is the new line somewhat more better and poetical?
>
> Please tell me how to write poems that don't get ruined.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your publisher's blll thus does l fall
} She patently set out her stall
} That your allusion to O.'s nashery
} Was rather trashery.
}
} The sum, thus assigned, your allot.
} ment of fees hs lady, Shall not
} You darest complain
} Of her her rhythmic strain
} When deducting commission: cannot
}
} Misprision, you claim but then hence:
} You've committed the larger offence
} Thus denied by estoppel
} To anything properl-
} .y spelled, You've no legel de-fence.
}
} You owe the Oracle six cans of macaronic cheesiness.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHat can we do in these tomes of postkinzlerization?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abandoned by Kinzler in a sub-basement of the Mathematics Building at
} Indiana University, I have continued to produce far more written
} material than was necessary to produce even a single worthwhile volume.
} The major difficulty has been the extremely low quality of my
} supplicants and their supplications.
}
} You owe the Oracle a major campaign to seek out, capture and enslave a
} new crew of faithful supplicants.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-07
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just learned that sundials and presumably clocks run backwards in the
> southern hemisphere. Please explain why without making either of us
> seem more stupid than we actually are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters hemispherical
} The shadow is ephemeral
} the gnomon points equator
} ANd that is what's your stator
}
} Now southern, you get wins
} If it winds thus widdershins
} Whereas northern goes right-handed
} ANd the time's where shadow's landed
}
} An Aussie timekeeper
} Thus is a creeper
} From R to L
} that should give you no hell
}
} In matters solar
} You must be bipolar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint of Victoria Bitter.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Que se qui ce passe la bas? Un million de Francais veulent savoir.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} aJe peut compris, la Queston-La
} La bas c'est trouble, essayi-moi
} En haut tu fait, c'est ton position
} C'est-ca l'Oracle exposition
}
} Tu veut rends au L'Oracle the Paris Metro Line 14, avec les dunlops.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to become famous. What should I do? Asking you extra questions
> does not seem to help at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2020 TOP FIVE VIRAL YOUTUBE CLIPS!
}
} 1) Supplicant getting chased by a neanderthal wielding spiky club.
} 2) Supplicant getting used as pinjata by the same neanderthal.
} 3) Supplicant falling into a pit of rabid rodents.
} 4) Supplicant getting rodent bites cleaned with industrial strength
}    moonshine.
} 5) Supplicant getting thrown back into pit after failing to pay the
}    Oracle.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1591-10
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, on first-named terms with the muse terpsichoral, and I'm
> told you scored in a manner historical, may I please ask:
>
> I had the old MTV on, and was watching Billy Joel singing "in the
> middle of the night". All very upbeat, but at no time does he actually
> indicate when "the middle of the night" is. I've got trains to run, and
> my timetable starts at 0000 and ends at 2400, but nowhere on it is
> marked night or day, so I am a bit bemused as to exactly when "the
> middle of" the night should be. Taking a strictly geodesical stance, it
> should be a 3am, this is why "nones" (nines, "noon") is at 3pm. i.e.
> nine hours after sunrise. But you knew that. My moondial suggests that
> the "middle of" the night would be about 2.17am but I havent adjusted
> from my local longitude to mean time.
>
> So, when exactly IS the middle of the night: Cos I want to go walking
> in my sleep etc. and have no fear of reprisals when the local bobby
> asks me what I am up to, I shall spring the Joel Defence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear. This is somewhat of a perplexitude. I am currently visiting
} Mars (the planet, not the Roman god) so you'll need to read up (or
} down) on planetary alignment to understand the true meaning of Noon on
} Mars, which you should not confuse with Death in Venice, by Thomas
} Mann, a book that if you have not read, you should not bother. If you
} have read it you should go back in history and convince Mann not to
} bother writing it. Spare a lot of people unnecessary discomfort.
}
} Sorry about that suggestion. I should not have mentioned it. Time
} travel is difficult for me, and three times harder for you. Forget I
} mentioned Thomas Mann. Go and visit my friend Douglas who lives on the
} Isle of Man. Visitors think that he runs the place, but he does not.
} The Lord of Man is in charge there, but she does not visit often.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better method to keep his extensive mind from
} wandering onto unrelated topics when answering questions. You also
} should at least be pleased that this answer does not contain attempts
} at poetry.
}
} Roses are red, violets are blue. You think this will rhyme, but it
} won't.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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