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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was it when you said "irrelevant" that you meant "irreverent" or was it > the other way around? And why should anyone be bothered or concerned > about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I didn't say either. I said "elephant" and "reverend". The joke should } now make sense when you take the penguin into account. } } You owe the Oracle an ordained pachyderm.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Hold on a second," you said. > > I held. The seconds flew by. Then the minutes. > > It's now been four days and I am still holding. > > When can I let go? What will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear o dear supplicant, can't you see the contradiction in your own } post. You can't both hold onto a second AND have that same second fly } by. } } Clearly this was beyond you. You have to start small, and build up. A } year is much easier to hold onto, so practice with them. } } If you look closely as a year slowly moves past you, you'll see some } flanges on the edge. If you grab onto both of those with a solid grip, } you should be able to hold on. If it's still difficult then grab onto } the top edge of the year with your teeth. } } Just don't try that with a leap year. It'll smash your jaw into a } million pieces. } } You can repay The Oracle by coming back and telling me when you think } you're ready to hold on to a minute. Bring grappling hooks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You sent me an answer containing both rabbits and rabbis. Fortunately > your answer was not in French, which would have been worse. French is > not even a language, but instead a method to avoid bathing, as one can > plainly see, right here: <<Baigner? Pourquoi devrais-je me baigner? Je > suis franc,ais.>> > > Please explain something. Anything. Anything that will help me stop > thinking about unwashed people.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} S'il tu veut, vais expliquer } Comme je peut fait-las any day } Son lapin, oui, quotidienne } N'est pas le  choix meridienne } } En anglais, je m'explique: two secs } I jus need now to flex my pecs: } Ok' we're off, as rabbits go } Right handed round at Walthamstow } } Son lapin, il fault brace, compris? } And then you have no need of me. } Un blackberry jus, souri, on dit } Est bon a lapin: tu compris, } } You owe the Oracle just desserts on the house.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My teacher says the moon revolves on its axe. Our pastor says there is > a brand new moon every month an it is not the same as the old one but > it just sails acrost the sky and dosen't revolve. > > How can I know who is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like many things in life, there is a simple explanation. } } You've encountered several adherents of the little-known Flat Moon } Theory (FMT). This is the theory that pretty much everything in the } solar system is round - sun, planets, other moons, potatoes. Except } for our moon, which is flat. } } Like the other well known flat celestial body theory, this requires } quite some mental gymnastics to make simple observations fit the } theory.  Rather like trying to fit the entire cast, including extras, } of Ben Hur on a single Twister mat. In costume. } } First, the phases of the moon. In conventional physics, this is } explained by a spherical moon being at different angles to the sun and } therefore only part of the moon being illuminated. In FMT, this is } explained by a man whose job is to paint the moon silver. However, } dust and other matter acquired by the moon as he busily moves from one } side to the other eventually causes the nice shiny silver-painted moon } to return to a dark colour. Whereupon he has to start all over again. } } There is also the matter of craters on the moon. According to } conventional physics, these are the result of impacts from asteroids } attracted by the moon's gravity. According to FMT, the moon depicts } the face of the man in the moon, or should we say acne-suffering } teenager in the moon. FMT adherents claim that they have taken } photographs of puss seeping from craters, using Nikon P900 cameras } with lenses that have never been cleaned. And you do NOT want to know } what they had been doing with their fingers before they touched the } lens. } } What prompted FMT was the observation that we always see only one side } of the moon. Flat Moon Theory believers such as your teacher and } pastor believe that only a flat moon could possibly show only one face } to the earth all the time. They dismiss the conventional physics } explanation of tidal locking as 'laughable' and in fact just saying } 'tidal locking' will reduce FMT conferences to hilarity. They feel } that laughter obviates the need for evidence, analysis, and } references, and claim that science would progress faster by listing } alternative hypotheses and discounting all of those that elicit } giggles. In an attempt to demonstrate this comedy science method, they } have used it to establish that inserting rusty nails into the urethra } will be an effective vaccine for covid-19, as not a single person } shown that hypothesis laughed. } } FMT proponents claim that the dark side of the moon is actually a } green and pleasant place, always fully lit with warm sun even when the } sun is not shining on it. Claiming that Doris Wishman's 1961 film } 'Nude on the Moon' is an actual documentary by NASA that was called } fiction to discredit it after it accidentally leaked. They're working } on an explanation of how the dark side of the moon is lit when the sun } is blocked, which at present is the single word: 'perspective'. } } FMT adherents claim that there has been a conspiracy among scientists } to deny the clear reality of the moon's flatness, and that all school } textbooks should be re-written to 'teach the controversy'. In this } they are joined by creationists, believers that ears are alien } creatures living in symbiosis with humans, those who claim that water } is a myth, and rabbits who propose that all school biology textbooks } should have at least one (preferably more) chapter dedicated to grass. } } There are those who claim that the growth in belief in Flat Moon } Theory and other fringe ideas points to a failure in our educational } systems and a growing opposition to 'experts'. Those people are right, } but for some reason these days being right and being able to back up } your claims with facts, evidence, and research is becoming something } that we're supposed to be embarrassed about. } } You owe The Oracle fifteen billion litres of silver paint and seven } billion litres of anti-acne cream. And, someone to do some odd jobs } around the temple while Zadoc is otherwise occupied for a few million } years.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Congratulations (not congraduations) on your correct spelling of > "minuscule" where you resisted "miniscule" most admirably. > > Now to look at the other side of the flapjack, please give me a full > list of words nobody ever gets right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, we could talk about words where people rarely get the spelling } right. Or, we could talk about words where people never get the } meaning right. Here's a top 10 list. } } 10. 'Indispensable'. Believe it or not, it's more important for you } that your heart and lungs function than you have the latest model of a } mobile phone that costs more than a small house. } } 9. 'Patriot'. Somehow loving your country seems to have become divorced } from actually loving the people in it, or having any inclination to } preserve democracy. } } 8. 'Grovel'. It appears to be completely missing from your post. But } even when they are present they are woefully inadequate. Saying that } you'd be happy for me to do your taxes for you is NOT grovelling. } } 7. 'Bigly'. That word never existed before, and a certain president is } STILL getting its meaning completely wrong. } } 6. 'Logical'. I blame Supertramp. } } 5. 'Economical'. Yes, that new Chevvy does 4.8 miles per gallon while } the previous model only did 4.6. But, if you want to save the planet, } you're going to have to do a LOT better than that. } } 4. 'Research'. Watching three hours of David Icke videos is NOT } research. It's not even collection of information, or checking } something up. It's the information equivalent of putting your head in } a pail of three week old pig droppings and shaking it around a bit. } } 3. 'Classic'. No song written by a team of fifteen people on four } continents and featuring a vocal by someone who came fifth in a } television talent show, and autotuned more extensively than NASA } studies images from the surface of Pluto is a classic. } } 2.'Literally'. It means 'literally'. If you say that you were } literally in pieces, then I expect to see chunks of flesh and blood } all over the floor, or you're full of sh*t. Literally. } } 1. 'Gorgeous'. It's lucky for plastic surgeons that this word has slid } in meaning considerably over the years. Or, they'd actually have to } learn to do their job properly. } } You owe The Oracle a dictionary. And, it had better be a book full of } words and their definitions. Not something else entirely that people } have started calling a dictionary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In my prevoius question that was "two more" and not tumor. Sorry. > > Now my Great-Uncle Louis (and he says that's Lewis not Loooie) wants > to know if you remember Alice Benbolt. (I never heard of her.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you've never heard of her. People talk about the great spies } of history, but if you've heard of a Mata Hari or a Kim Philby, then } they didn't do their job properly. Alice Benbolt would never ever be } so sloppy. } } As soon as she had graduated from college in 1948, she was immediately } on the international espionage scene. Sent straight to Berlin, she } went undercover as Fraulein Winklehoffer and became a secretary for a } Russian general. It was said to be Benbolt who discovered that he wore } two pairs of underwear, shuffling the inner pair to the outer pair } each day, and reported this information back to her handlers in the } United Kingdom who had a good laugh around the water cooler. } } After that stunning success, Benbolt was dispatched to China after the } end of the revolution, and soon found a job as a gardener to Mao Tse } Tung. Among the vital pieces of information discovered by Benbolt and } sent to the west by passenger stork were Mao's continued troubles with } hair growing out of his ears, and his regular use of wax before } appearances before his people. } } After a short spell in Iran in 1953 where she discovered and detailed } the methods by which Mohammed Mossadeq folded down the corners of his } books - instrumental in Operation Ajax whereby Mossadeq was deposed } and the Qajar dynasty restored - Benbolt was rotated to Algeria. } Disguising herself as a plumber - aided by her impressive ability to } grow a moustache and speak in cod-Italian - she dispatched hundreds of } updates on the toilet habits of Ferhat Abbas. } } I could bore you with her five decades of espionage work, revealing } which world leaders or other political/military actors refused to have } salt on their food, who had a nervous habit of scratching their noses } with a paper clip, who else had an allergy to bananas, and who knitted } but only using purple yarn. But, I have great respect for Ms Benbolt, } and don't want to give away all of her secrets. } } You owe The Oracle some inside information about the government } contract your brother-in-law is involved in. If he continues to insist } it's just a new design for anti-allergenic rubber duckies, keep } digging.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was born in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, in the Caribbean. > How can I get people to stop correcting Tobago to Tabasco? It seems as > if my entire life is being eaten up in that one small but dreadfully > repetitive task. Occasionally people also ask me about the steel drums, > but that's a minor problem, even when they joke about "steal drums" and > try to take mine.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant, I think you misunderstand the situation. Yes, you } belong to the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. But, the island of } Tabasco is real, and yes, the people there lay claim to Trinidad as } well. And so call themselves the republic of Trinidad and Tabasco. } } Not only that, but they also claim that all of the following belong to } them. } } 1. All the fossil fuel wealth of your nation. } 2. They claim intellectual property rights for the recipe of Pelau. } 3. Nicki Minaj } 4. All copyrights on the recorded work of Attila the Hun. Fortunately }    they aren't aware that your one was a Calypso singer, and they're }    currently in dispute with Mongolia } 5. After reading the gossip columns, they've decided that they don't }    want Nicki Minaj any more, and will have Black Stalin instead } 6. All the coconut palms from Maracas Bay. } 7. US$27.52 from your treasury. } 8. All the houses in Pepper Sauce Land,  Endeavour, Chaguanas. If you }    wanted to keep them, you shouldn't have called the road that. } } But, no need to worry. The island of Tabasco is just off the coast of } Greenland. They might have had more luck claiming that, but who wants } a huge expanse of climate-melting ice when you could have a Caribbean } paradise. } } You owe The Oracle Sugarloaf Rock. I'm sure Martinique can spare it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wanted to ask you if I was gong to be alright but the spell check got > a head of me and wrote airtight instead. > > You made some very silly remarks about bing airtight. > > Butt am I going to be allright? Spell check hate's me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the problem with a "spell check" is that it doesn't really check } spells, does it, unless you happen to be a witch or wizard with a } particular recipe. So I suggest you should call it a "spelling check". } } Now the spell check got a head of you? How many heads do you have? } Because decapitation can be, you know, not very pleasant, but taking } Occam's Razor I'm assuming that you still actually have your jugulars } in a jug. } } Now, one of the bizarre things about your general circulation is that } oxygen inflow directly is poisonous, this is why your lungs whack it } through your pulmonary veins and absorb it with haemoglobin where it } can then be taken up, preferably in my case with a dram of single malt. } } I'll assume that your misplaced apos is because of the terrible } spelling checker, but really all you need is a copy of Fowler's Modern } English Usage, preferably in the revised edition by Ernest Gowers. You } can then use it to hit your keyboard and is also useful for keeping the } insects down. } } You owe the Oracle a split infinitive.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most Pilky, who likes his coffee milky, who knows a banjo, > from a kango > > I went out this morning, you see, to do some glazing necessities, just > to get a fair shilling, as I am sure you understand. Now, for someone > who is perhaps uninterested in other's privacy, it's the perfect > employment for me. > > I got up and down the various treaders and risers until I reached a > great height,, but then saw a pair of newlyweds, having a bit of - well > - you know. It's always a shock what I see through the old panes, when > I go about > my business with the duster. > > Please advise: Next time should I not wake them up with my ukulele?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tip toads in their tulips.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A previous incarnation of yours claimed that the celebrated Tuna Bird > of Zarp did not exist. Please tell your incarnations not to be so > stupid. Also tell me more about Zarp in general, and about the nesting > habits of the Tuna Bird in particular. > > Oh, and I almost forgot to grovel. Consider it done.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Tuna Bird is recorded in Fegg's Ornithological Companion as having } a roughly a twelve-foot wide wingspan (that is four metres in new } money). As a seabird, it tends to nest in the nooks and crannies of } outdated incarnations, but is also known to inhabit the roofs (or } rooves) of uninhabited buildings. } } Zarp the German birdwatcher first noted its mating habits in the 1758 } edition of Fegg, but did not describe in detail its plumage. Later } editions of (q.v. Zarp 1812 for example) note that the female is } "Somewhat magnolia, with a hint of beige", whereas the male Zarp's Tuna } Bird - the zoological specimen being in the Natural History Museum in } Kensington, just behind the hatrack - as is often found in many birds } if far more highly coloured. } } Zarp's Tuna Bird, in the female, has a call somewhat similar to that of } a woman who has just had her foot trodden on by her husband, but the } male's is much softer and less melodious, hence the common nickname of } "zarp's piano tuna". } } The nesting habits of Zarps are generally from April to June, and they } usually lay Kinder Eggs, but tend to ovoid chocolate. Nestlings will } hatch within a few days to search, fairly obviously, for tins of tuna, } but their poor little beaks can't get the things open so the mummy and } daddy will feed them on sardines until they fledge. } } Zarp's illustrations - beautifully inked - can be found also in the } Amsterdam Museum of Fine Lines, but only in bright sunlight. } } You owe the Oracle two hoots.