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Internet Oracularities #1594

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Internet Oracularities #1594
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:26:24 -0500 (EST)

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   1594
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1594-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have crossed broccoli with bluberries to create broccolberries.
> Strangely, although neither broccoli nor bluberries have thorns,
> broccolberries do have them, like blackberries, only worse. The thorns
> are inside the fruit of the broccolberry, waiting for the tongue and
> palate of the unsuspecting diner.
>
> Obviously you and I aren't going to eat them, because we know their
> hidden secret.
>
> To whom should I serve Roast Broccolberry Surprise? And what is a good
> recipe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Broccolberry Surprise. Serves 4 people you don't like very much
} (Or 2 people you really can't stand)
}
} Invite 2 or 4 people around for supper. Apply alcohol liberally, around
} the gums, and into the stomachs. Get your wife to do the
} amuses-bouches, while you concentrate on the main event.
}
} Brocolberry Baton-Mouche a la magyar kinai gyorsetterem:
}
} Take six broccolberries,. a grain of salt.
} Add the Old English letter thorn, from an Old English tin of spaghetti
} letters.
} With three pounds of sugar, sweeten the blackthorns.
}
} Voulez-vous prire reduction au jus. That'll do.
} On va puit commence in the literal sense.
}
} Take a crumble, you see- you will now need a roux
} WIth some liszt or farine, you know quite what to do
} mix together with buerre, leonine-right, concur?
} Ne va laisser brule! Il faut tojours a stir
}
} Puis mettre les graces dans un grande ha ha ha
} Cook at gas for minutes, at Reumur mark 4
} Then suivre les vents, son partie., a gestation
} Can swiftly be followed with defenestration.
}
} You owe the Oracle seventeen excuses for avoiding parties.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, Magnifico, who knows the most signidfico
> Of watermarks and ink and bleach (don't make this public: each to each)
>
> I'c wrritten my CV they say
> In paper industry: way hay!
> I know that stuff off the back of my hand
> And getting the role will get me twenty grand
>
> So can I put you down as referee
> On my brief resumee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a letter of introduction you can use.
}
} Dear employer:
} Allow me to give you my opinion of J. Topaz Supplicant, who has applied
} for a position in your department. I cannot recommend him too highly
} nor say enough good things about him. There is no other supplicant of
} mine with whom I can adequately compare him. His  queries are the sort
} of work you don't expect to see nowadays and in them he has clearly
} demonstrated his complete capabilities. The amount of material he knows
} will surprise you. You will indeed be fortunate if you can get him to
} work for you. Sincerely,
} T. I. Oracle.
}
} I hope that this letter allows you to attain a position that you
} deserve.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's common in the U.S. to address political officers as Mr. President,
> Mr. Secretary, Mr. Ambassador, etc., if they're male; Madam President,
> etc. if they're female.
>
> But what if they're non-binary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SOLVED in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts! The form of address for
} the Governor is, "Your Excellency."
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of all Massachusetts towns or cities with
} excellent names. Here are some examples:
}
}    The town of Winthrop is presumably named after Governor Winthrop.
}    The town of Bradford is presumably named after Governor Bradford.
}    The town of Kingston is presumably named after Governor King.
}    The town of Peabody is presumably named after Governor Peabody.
}    The town of Endicott is presumably named after Governor Peabody.
}    The town of Marblehead is presumably named after Governor Peabody.
}    The town of Grafton is presumably named after many Governors.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here I am again, your amply useless supplicant!
>
> You'll remember, I'm the guy who Googled for Ample Side Door Vinegar
> instead of Apple Cider Vinegar, and got dreadfully sick when my dog
> died.
>
> What's the use of following quack qures, I mean cures, like vinegar?
> Why am I constantly searching the Internet for things that don't work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have a mysterious and unfortunate inheritance, young supplicant. I
} command you, use this power only for good, and not for evil. With
} great power comes a great electricity bill.
}
} You have been cursed by the spirits of the Orient (15 Wardour Street,
} London, W1D 6PH - L=15 for a shot of finest vodka) that whatsoever
} you search for on the Internet will not work. I urge and beseech you,
} for the sake of all humanity, never to type the following into Google:
}
} - Google
} - Antibiotics
} - Socialism
} - Democracy (your mildly cursed cousin Ethel tried this, but
}   fortunately she only affected the USA, UK, and Brazil)
} - Contraception (although a lack of antibiotics may give the same
}   effect)
}
} You should feel bad about having typed the following into Google:
} - Shakespearean jokes
} - Pineapple on pizza
} - White wine to remove red wine stain
} - Does glaring at someone cause their soul to combust?
} - "World-beating" as an inspiring adjective
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise never to try to find yourself.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-05
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, oh borderless
> Most omnipotent (more or less)
> Who can jump over any border
> In short order
>
> Please tell me:
>
> I've just had my passport application rejected as under the title
> "Occupation" I put "Expert". What should I have written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Poet." It's as much a lie as "Expert" but harder to prove wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle the man from Peru whose limericks would end in line
} two, and of course the man from Verdun. Also, Emperor Nero.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-06
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> New computer game! New computer game! I just invented it, but I have
> not written the code yet. You've gotta see it!
>
> It is so complicated that only I (and you) can understand it. I'll play
> the game and win EVERY TIME! It's a solitaire game, so I can play by
> myself, which is all for the best because I really don't like people.
>
> And of course I'll know all the ways to cheat because I wrote them!!!
>
> I'm bored already and I haven't played it yet.
>
> I need some other game. Please give me a hint.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good news!
} The Oracle has decided to make you the very big star of his very own,
} newly invented game!  And it's in real life, so you won't even need
} one of those pesky computers, that have to be upgraded all the time!
}
} First sit inside this box,  Ready?  Now, stick your head up a random
} of those holes in the top.
}
} *WHACK*
}
} Good!  Do it again!  You won't?  How can I play Whack-a-supplicant if
} you just sit there holding your head?  Oh, well.  Let me flip this
} switch and...
}
} *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK*
}
} See? It's for situations like this I electrified the bottom of the box.
}
} *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* ...

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wanted several replies to my question, but you sent me several
> reptiles instead.
>
> Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant.
} I'm happy to tell you that as part of the Oracle Customer Satisfaction
} Programme, you have been given a free upgrade to king size alligators.
}
} I hope this will solve problems for both of us.
} With kind regards, Oracle Customer Support.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Geeeezuss Chr*st! It's already Wednesday again! The goddam week is
> almost half gone. What am I gonna do?
>
> Wait a minute, it's only Tuesday. But that's still just as bad. I've
> got to have everything coded and tested by Friday, and the SQA guy is
> burnt out from working weekends and all-nighters. He says "Test your
> own GD code!"
>
> Look, can you test it for me? And no saying, "It's just plain no
> good." That won't help even if it's true.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -1
} NULL
} "; DROP TABLE;
} 0
} 404
} let f = f;
} 1e400
} @example.com
} ^D
} \r^M
} "NULL"
} "rm -rf /*
} #!/wallop
} asin(-2);
} pow(0,0)
} ping 192.168.256.0;
} (-1)[a]
} 1.3.14 <= 1.3.9
} let true = false;
} *nullptr;
} \\$$$$_
} '"''""
} a-+--+a
} \//\\//s//g*/
} {,}
} 7**-0.5
} ^I-
} EOF
}
} You owe the Oracle some kind of exception.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-09
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was waiting for Godot but found you instead. Where can I find him?
>
> Oh, and just to keep you on track, or maybe the other way around, I
> went to a Contra Dance last week, hopling to find people who disagreed
> with everyone. No such luck. Everyone was far too nice. But the dance
> caller DID announce that one dance would be in Beckett Formation. We
> were beside ourselves with Joy. Still waiting for Godot, though.
> Whatever you can do might or might not help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sam B wrote quite obscure stuff
} And tended do it off-the-cuff
} The stage directions, do ya see
} Show vlad and E where they can't be
}
} The existential paradox
} He then continued knocks-for-knocks
} By chracter who don't appear
} And thus you'll find him waiting here
}
} Because I am the chief arranger
} Godot's in my antechamber.
}
} You owe toe Oracle something Irish.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1594-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellme all about the Portugoose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's get to the bottom of your problems. You cannot resist an
} opportunity to make a pun. It is impossible for others, even other
} incorrigible punsters, to hold a factual and productive conversation
} with you because you make or let loose a pun at every opportunity.
} About the only thing worse would be if you were a poet.
}
} You already know what you DON'T owe the Oracle.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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