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Internet Oracularities #1595

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Internet Oracularities #1595
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 2021 15:28:22 -0500 (EST)

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1595-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't understand you. First you clog up my toilet...
>
> Wait, you're not James Q. Sandwiches, are you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the Internet Oracle, and you have dared approach my awesome throne
} instead of using your own. It's clogged, eh? And you blame me?
}
} Look, long ago I told you, "Take the plunge." Did you put it back
} afterwards, or did you leave it in the garden shed? You really should
} check your premises, as a famous but well-known writer once told us.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Everything run like crockwork. Best horrible answer ever. Not complain
> yogurt compare yoga. Thankyou.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time to disable the misfortune cookies.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-03
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was she crying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This kind of question usually revolves around the mistaken reading of
} tears (as in rips) as tears (as in eyejuice).
}
} You owe the Oracle a dreadful poem with puns based on tears-tiers and
} tears-tares. Extra points (they aren't worth anything) for working in
} the anagrams rates, stare, aster and any others you may discover.
} Caution, do not read the poem aloud to the Oracle as if you were
} William Topaz McGonagall.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently someone, perhaps my grandfather, perhaps my Auntie Gertrude
> who is blind in her left eye and invisible in the other, or perhaps you
> (with your penetrating gaze and your smelly nose), sent me a list of
> unforgettable items that I should remember to purchase for my
> collection of overwhelmingly unique nostalgia.
>
> Several problems here.
>
> 1. I don't remember who sent me the list.
> 2. I don't know where I put it. I think I filed it in the /tmp
>    directory, but that must have been by mistake.
> 3. Because I didn't read it, I have not forgotten what was on it, but
>    that's sort of the same effect.
> 4. My reliance on your Insurmountable and Inscrutable Omniscience led
>    me to believe that I could recover the list simply by asking you
>    this question.
>
> So I have forgotten all that unforgettable mess.
>
> Where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Memories are like eggs. They can be addled, raw, runny, smelly,
} scrambled, or poached (from other people). My most memorable eggs,
} sorry, memories, come from ostriches.
} Hence the saying, "Nostalgia isn't all it's cracked up to be".
}
} Anyway, I digress.
}
} The list you are looking for was sent to a VT100 terminal by Brian
} Kernighan, using a FORTRAN program compiled from a set of punched
} cards. In order to locate this terminal, you must answer three
} fiendish quiz questions, each more taxing than the last.
} Unfortunately, because I got distracted by Lisa last night, I asked
} Zadoc to set the questions, and he came up with the following:
}
} 1) In relation to the ground, where do the Wombles live?
} 2) What do Winnie The Pooh and Vlad The Impaler have in common?
} 3) What did Daleks and Thora Hird used to have trouble climbing?
}
} (The answers are NOT: "Over", "An insatiable lust for honey and
} violence", and "A social hierarchy").
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Proust's little known cookery book: "In
} Search of Lost Thyme".

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-05
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's totally clear
> From everything I hear
> That William Topaz McGonagall's skills
> Are what gives me ills.
>
> The focus on rhyme
> Is really a crime.
> Not to mention the inattention
> To appropriate scansion.
>
> So isn't it obvious
> That all of this doggerel for us
> Shows that our Oracular
> Pundit or his incarnation is behaving less than spectacular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a writer of verse,
} Whose poems were on subjects diverse,
} His name was McGonagall,
} The rhymes were demonical,
} And liking them was seen as perverse.
}
} There once was an Internet Oracle,
} Whose poems were all diabolical.
} Their main style was limerick,
} Had as much taste as plastic,
} And were much worse than those of McGonagall.
}
} A supplicant once asked the sage,
} To write a poem that fit on one page,
} The Oracle muttered,
} That their bread was not buttered,
} And the supplicant went off in a huff because the Oracle wasn't making
} any sense whatsoever and, in any case, couldn't write poems for
} toffee.
} The Oracle pointed out that the supplicant hadn't even offered any
} toffee (or any buttered bread) and, if they did, it still wouldn't
} guarantee any decent poetry because they were a pseudo-historical
} construct designed to answer actual questions to do with the meaning
} of life, not self-referential ones about whether the Oracle could
} write poetry or not.
}
} You owe the Oracle some rhymes for Nantucket.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I forget: Does a tin of pepper make a can of maces, or does a tin of a
> mace make a can of pepper spray? My "tinning kit" is limited.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the sun pulls away from the shore and Spike Jones's boat sinks
} slowly in the west, we come to the famous Space Islands. There is
} nothing here except space, which is filled with joyful natives playing
} local instruments such as the crwth and the bagpipes. Off in the
} distance you can see the Romans, roaming about looking to establish new
} sites for tin mines, and pirates, looking for Penzance.
}
} You owe the Oracle some encouragement in creating answers that do not
} contain bagpipes, pythons, G&S, or obscure references to Star Trek.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to learn the metric or SI system of measurements but it is too
> complicated. But I have a plan. The system is full of confusing "kilo"
> things like kilogrammes, kilometeres, and kilovolts. I propose that we
> just call them all kilos. Then my height, my weight, the distance to
> Grandmother's house, the temperature, and the electricity can all be
> 130 kilos. No dividing by nine and multiplying by 4.5 while adding 32
> or subtracting 23.
>
> My Grandmother says there is a fly in the ointment and that my plan is
> folly. I think she is trying to tell me that it's so stupid that it's
> brilliant.
>
> What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now take your simple decimals
} And then forget your L S D
} The metric then goes simple thus
} it's all about the rule of three
}
} So kilo is 'bout twice a pound
} IF you round up a bit, its sound.
} A farthing is now half a quart
} And that's five hundred mill. You ought
} To learn your basic arithmetics
} before weights measures and metrics
}
} You owe the Oracle a conversion chart from 1753.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Majestic
> Quite handy with a feathered flick
> Whose Hoovers suck up all the muck
> Whose dusters wipe a dipstick
>
> Please tell me:
>
> Since it is getting close to the vernal equinox I have been doing my
> usual annual rounds with the old to-and-fro, beating out old wives
> from the carpets and so forth. I discovered, on my rounds, this
> strange silver coin which could be a threepenny bit or a seventeenth
> century Marigold (coined in India). Should I take it to the
> numismatist or just stick it in the whisky har together with various
> denominations of unknown currencies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, let me look at it closely. Yes, the "17" aspect is correct. It is
} a 17-forint coin from the Former Subjugacy of Elbonia. They are
} exceptionally rare, but also exceptionally worthless. The Elbonians
} used them for holding mud springs in place during spring cleaning. The
} technique never worked, and all of the coins were lost in the mud.
}
} Why forints and not some other monetary unit? The Elbonians always
} thought Elbonia was ruled by the Hungarians, but they were slightly or
} extremely deluded. The Hungarians had never heard of them, though, and
} thought, through thorough misdirection, that they were French.
}
} You owe the Oracle a useful sentence which contains the words through,
} though, thought, taught, thorough, tough, Superman, clerk, and
} Tashkent.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Watt's wrong with just saying kilowatts instead of kilowatthours? I
> think that putting hours into the word just confuses people. All we
> need is to understand if we can get our car battery charged so we can
> go somewhere without having to wait forever for a additional charge to
> get home again. It took a hour of driving around just to find a
> charging place with a pulg that fitted into our car, and then nearly
> TWO HOLE HOURS just to charge it at way too high a price. Each
> killowatt was like $2 or more. The ammount of energy I buy 75
> kilowatts, I'm thinking like three quarts of a tank, should not cost
> that much!
>
> Please help me to find cheaper.
>
> And faster.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well you have to know what's what, or what's not. James Watt, the
} famous electrician, discocered the Watt for whom it is named after.
} This is why incandescent lamps on your tricycle don't work properly.
} You need 60 watts at least at about four amperes (named after
} Voltaire, the other chap) and that should get your leccy car running
} properly. Let"s assume V = IA so that one Voltaire equals one ampere,
} then fiddling around a bit with the equations take the sinusoidal,
} that gives you one voltaire equals one james watt at the usual
} potential difference, taking I = Ian Woosnam the golfer as the earth
} or neutral. Let one I = one W = one V = one A. Now, take the English
} cricket team in India, who have lost the second test by a ridiculously
} high margin, and take I = India and E = England and do 354/5 in six
} overs. Take "over" as your  differential. You now have James Watt,
} Voltaire, Ian Woosnam and the entire English cricket team. Divide by
} six and subtract the number you first thought of.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ohm.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1595-10
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My sister has decided to be a Goth. She dresses weird and talks funny.
> She initially claimed to be a Visigoth, but right now she is hiding
> where I can't see her, which means she is an Invisigoth. She won't
> listen to me at all, and only says, "You have to talk to me in Gothic."
>
> Well, I looked up the Gothic language and it is extinct. It is a dead
> language spoken only by dead people, which is of course what my sister
> is dressing up as for like over. Because you know everything you know
> Gothic. Please translate this paragraph into Gothic, but keep it a
> secret from my sister.
>
> If all that is too much for you, then simply give me some random words
> that sound sort of Gothic, just like, "Foring mests larry no granning
> sunners in the rones," sounds like English, but isn't. Indeed you could
> just translate that into Gothic. Similarly, "Inquabatur corrivios
> lapulos per exteritum fularium in pirtis curibusque," appears to be
> Latin but isn't. And Latin is a dead language, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem  very confused. What  your sister is experiencing is a common
} phenomenon known as Late Gothic Revival. Symptoms tend to include
} magnificent churchworks. Check her daily for flying buttresses,
} archetraves, or porticos.
}
} Your Latin is appalling. Inquabutram convolvulus lupus per extremis
} fularo in spiritis circumspice, the wolf goes around the edges hoping
} to find something inside. Tut tut tut, really, check your Shortbread
} Eating Primer.
}
} You owe the Oracle Nicholas Pevsner and Nigel Molesworth

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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