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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't understand you. First you clog up my toilet... > > Wait, you're not James Q. Sandwiches, are you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the Internet Oracle, and you have dared approach my awesome throne } instead of using your own. It's clogged, eh? And you blame me? } } Look, long ago I told you, "Take the plunge." Did you put it back } afterwards, or did you leave it in the garden shed? You really should } check your premises, as a famous but well-known writer once told us.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Everything run like crockwork. Best horrible answer ever. Not complain > yogurt compare yoga. Thankyou.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time to disable the misfortune cookies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was she crying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This kind of question usually revolves around the mistaken reading of } tears (as in rips) as tears (as in eyejuice). } } You owe the Oracle a dreadful poem with puns based on tears-tiers and } tears-tares. Extra points (they aren't worth anything) for working in } the anagrams rates, stare, aster and any others you may discover. } Caution, do not read the poem aloud to the Oracle as if you were } William Topaz McGonagall.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently someone, perhaps my grandfather, perhaps my Auntie Gertrude > who is blind in her left eye and invisible in the other, or perhaps you > (with your penetrating gaze and your smelly nose), sent me a list of > unforgettable items that I should remember to purchase for my > collection of overwhelmingly unique nostalgia. > > Several problems here. > > 1. I don't remember who sent me the list. > 2. I don't know where I put it. I think I filed it in the /tmp >    directory, but that must have been by mistake. > 3. Because I didn't read it, I have not forgotten what was on it, but >    that's sort of the same effect. > 4. My reliance on your Insurmountable and Inscrutable Omniscience led >    me to believe that I could recover the list simply by asking you >    this question. > > So I have forgotten all that unforgettable mess. > > Where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Memories are like eggs. They can be addled, raw, runny, smelly, } scrambled, or poached (from other people). My most memorable eggs, } sorry, memories, come from ostriches. } Hence the saying, "Nostalgia isn't all it's cracked up to be". } } Anyway, I digress. } } The list you are looking for was sent to a VT100 terminal by Brian } Kernighan, using a FORTRAN program compiled from a set of punched } cards. In order to locate this terminal, you must answer three } fiendish quiz questions, each more taxing than the last. } Unfortunately, because I got distracted by Lisa last night, I asked } Zadoc to set the questions, and he came up with the following: } } 1) In relation to the ground, where do the Wombles live? } 2) What do Winnie The Pooh and Vlad The Impaler have in common? } 3) What did Daleks and Thora Hird used to have trouble climbing? } } (The answers are NOT: "Over", "An insatiable lust for honey and } violence", and "A social hierarchy"). } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Proust's little known cookery book: "In } Search of Lost Thyme".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's totally clear > From everything I hear > That William Topaz McGonagall's skills > Are what gives me ills. > > The focus on rhyme > Is really a crime. > Not to mention the inattention > To appropriate scansion. > > So isn't it obvious > That all of this doggerel for us > Shows that our Oracular > Pundit or his incarnation is behaving less than spectacular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a writer of verse, } Whose poems were on subjects diverse, } His name was McGonagall, } The rhymes were demonical, } And liking them was seen as perverse. } } There once was an Internet Oracle, } Whose poems were all diabolical. } Their main style was limerick, } Had as much taste as plastic, } And were much worse than those of McGonagall. } } A supplicant once asked the sage, } To write a poem that fit on one page, } The Oracle muttered, } That their bread was not buttered, } And the supplicant went off in a huff because the Oracle wasn't making } any sense whatsoever and, in any case, couldn't write poems for } toffee. } The Oracle pointed out that the supplicant hadn't even offered any } toffee (or any buttered bread) and, if they did, it still wouldn't } guarantee any decent poetry because they were a pseudo-historical } construct designed to answer actual questions to do with the meaning } of life, not self-referential ones about whether the Oracle could } write poetry or not. } } You owe the Oracle some rhymes for Nantucket.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I forget: Does a tin of pepper make a can of maces, or does a tin of a > mace make a can of pepper spray? My "tinning kit" is limited.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the sun pulls away from the shore and Spike Jones's boat sinks } slowly in the west, we come to the famous Space Islands. There is } nothing here except space, which is filled with joyful natives playing } local instruments such as the crwth and the bagpipes. Off in the } distance you can see the Romans, roaming about looking to establish new } sites for tin mines, and pirates, looking for Penzance. } } You owe the Oracle some encouragement in creating answers that do not } contain bagpipes, pythons, G&S, or obscure references to Star Trek.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to learn the metric or SI system of measurements but it is too > complicated. But I have a plan. The system is full of confusing "kilo" > things like kilogrammes, kilometeres, and kilovolts. I propose that we > just call them all kilos. Then my height, my weight, the distance to > Grandmother's house, the temperature, and the electricity can all be > 130 kilos. No dividing by nine and multiplying by 4.5 while adding 32 > or subtracting 23. > > My Grandmother says there is a fly in the ointment and that my plan is > folly. I think she is trying to tell me that it's so stupid that it's > brilliant. > > What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now take your simple decimals } And then forget your L S D } The metric then goes simple thus } it's all about the rule of three } } So kilo is 'bout twice a pound } IF you round up a bit, its sound. } A farthing is now half a quart } And that's five hundred mill. You ought } To learn your basic arithmetics } before weights measures and metrics } } You owe the Oracle a conversion chart from 1753.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Majestic > Quite handy with a feathered flick > Whose Hoovers suck up all the muck > Whose dusters wipe a dipstick > > Please tell me: > > Since it is getting close to the vernal equinox I have been doing my > usual annual rounds with the old to-and-fro, beating out old wives > from the carpets and so forth. I discovered, on my rounds, this > strange silver coin which could be a threepenny bit or a seventeenth > century Marigold (coined in India). Should I take it to the > numismatist or just stick it in the whisky har together with various > denominations of unknown currencies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, let me look at it closely. Yes, the "17" aspect is correct. It is } a 17-forint coin from the Former Subjugacy of Elbonia. They are } exceptionally rare, but also exceptionally worthless. The Elbonians } used them for holding mud springs in place during spring cleaning. The } technique never worked, and all of the coins were lost in the mud. } } Why forints and not some other monetary unit? The Elbonians always } thought Elbonia was ruled by the Hungarians, but they were slightly or } extremely deluded. The Hungarians had never heard of them, though, and } thought, through thorough misdirection, that they were French. } } You owe the Oracle a useful sentence which contains the words through, } though, thought, taught, thorough, tough, Superman, clerk, and } Tashkent.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Watt's wrong with just saying kilowatts instead of kilowatthours? I > think that putting hours into the word just confuses people. All we > need is to understand if we can get our car battery charged so we can > go somewhere without having to wait forever for a additional charge to > get home again. It took a hour of driving around just to find a > charging place with a pulg that fitted into our car, and then nearly > TWO HOLE HOURS just to charge it at way too high a price. Each > killowatt was like $2 or more. The ammount of energy I buy 75 > kilowatts, I'm thinking like three quarts of a tank, should not cost > that much! > > Please help me to find cheaper. > > And faster.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well you have to know what's what, or what's not. James Watt, the } famous electrician, discocered the Watt for whom it is named after. } This is why incandescent lamps on your tricycle don't work properly. } You need 60 watts at least at about four amperes (named after } Voltaire, the other chap) and that should get your leccy car running } properly. Let"s assume V = IA so that one Voltaire equals one ampere, } then fiddling around a bit with the equations take the sinusoidal, } that gives you one voltaire equals one james watt at the usual } potential difference, taking I = Ian Woosnam the golfer as the earth } or neutral. Let one I = one W = one V = one A. Now, take the English } cricket team in India, who have lost the second test by a ridiculously } high margin, and take I = India and E = England and do 354/5 in six } overs. Take "over" as your  differential. You now have James Watt, } Voltaire, Ian Woosnam and the entire English cricket team. Divide by } six and subtract the number you first thought of. } } You owe the Oracle an ohm.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My sister has decided to be a Goth. She dresses weird and talks funny. > She initially claimed to be a Visigoth, but right now she is hiding > where I can't see her, which means she is an Invisigoth. She won't > listen to me at all, and only says, "You have to talk to me in Gothic." > > Well, I looked up the Gothic language and it is extinct. It is a dead > language spoken only by dead people, which is of course what my sister > is dressing up as for like over. Because you know everything you know > Gothic. Please translate this paragraph into Gothic, but keep it a > secret from my sister. > > If all that is too much for you, then simply give me some random words > that sound sort of Gothic, just like, "Foring mests larry no granning > sunners in the rones," sounds like English, but isn't. Indeed you could > just translate that into Gothic. Similarly, "Inquabatur corrivios > lapulos per exteritum fularium in pirtis curibusque," appears to be > Latin but isn't. And Latin is a dead language, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem  very confused. What  your sister is experiencing is a common } phenomenon known as Late Gothic Revival. Symptoms tend to include } magnificent churchworks. Check her daily for flying buttresses, } archetraves, or porticos. } } Your Latin is appalling. Inquabutram convolvulus lupus per extremis } fularo in spiritis circumspice, the wolf goes around the edges hoping } to find something inside. Tut tut tut, really, check your Shortbread } Eating Primer. } } You owe the Oracle Nicholas Pevsner and Nigel Molesworth