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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:43:34 GMT

Internet Oracularities #16

Goto:
16, 16-01, 16-02, 16-03, 16-04, 16-05, 16-06, 16-07, 16-08, 16-09, 16-10


Usenet Oracularities #16
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Oct 89 17:14:26 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


16-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK What exactly IS the speed of a swallow, African or European?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear, the speed of the swallow,
} black, white, green, or yellow,
} is the largest eigenvalue
} (calculated as I tell you)
} of the matrix of wind vectors,
} and some other similar factors,
} ....
} the jist of this [blasted] rhyme
} is that exact speed varies with time.


16-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who was Rimsky-Korsakov and why do I consider him God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Legend has it that Jack Rimsky was a Polish immigrant from Chicago who
} used to work for <hush> CIA.  Svetlana Korsakova was a Russian whore who
} seduced Rimsky into ratting on his motherland.  They trusted each other
} and Trojan, Inc.  too much.  Leonard Rimsky-Korsakov was their bastard
} son born on June 6, 1966 (6/6/66).  Because of his unusual background
} and an interesting date of birth, Leo became famous as the Lord of sick
} bastards.
}
} Are you sure you still want to know why you consider him God?


16-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is 'slack', and how do I obtain it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold on tight. Wait a minute. Relax. Got it?


16-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who in the *hell* is Bob?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe <oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> $500 for assuming that the
} Oracle will not understand your question if you do not highlight the
} word "hell".  Remember, child, only mortals have doubts.  The Oracle
} knows the questions even before you ask them.  It just does not bother
} to answer them lest you twits should be confused.
}
} The Oracle thinks that your question should have been phrased in plural
} because of the following message:
}
} >From devil@hellfire.GOV
} >Date: Wed, 29 Feb 312 BC 08:33:45 -0500
} >From: The Devil Himself <devil@hellfire.GOV>
} >Subject: The Oracle <oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> wants an updated list
} >Sender: info%hell-dbase@hellfire.GOV
} >To: "The Oracle" <oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
} >Precedence: junk
} >Reply-To: /dev/null
} >
} >Your recent database query
} >     SELECT first-name, middle-initial, last-name
} >     WHERE (first-name == "Bob" || "Robert")
} >had already produced 12764.3 Gigabytes of output when silo overflow
} >caused our computers to crash.
} >
} >In the future, please process such queries by hand (smirk).
} >
} >                             Nobody's,
} >                                     Lucifer
}
} Since the list of Bobs in hell could only have grown, I recommend that
} you avoid requesting this information by electronic mail.


16-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle,
>
> I desire to live forever ( not just a long time ), do you
> have any recommendations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (1) Don't drink anything marked with a skull and crossbones
}
} (2) Do not stab yourself through the eye with a long, sharp knife coated
}     with Jivaro toad venom.
}
} (3) Do not hurl yourself bodily from a small biplane at 16,000 feet
}     altitude without wearing a parechute.
}
} (4) Do not immerse your head in vats of boiling potato, glue, and
}     cyanide stew.
}
} (5) Do not stab repeatedly at your wrists with sharp daggers.
}
} (6) Do not make anti-Italian jokes in the presence of Luigi "Sharp
}     Daggers" diLinguini, even if they are mostly deserved.
}
} (7) Don't eat an Alp whole.


16-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Siliconiferous, most wise, most high.  O sage one, whos'
> circuits should be bathed in non-conductive root-beer most lovingly by
> only the most nubile of slavegirls:
>
> Why do boneheads speak of Millions of Instructions Per Second (MIPS) as
> if it were a plural term?  How many times must these thickwits be told
> that there is NO SUCH THING AS A MACHINE THAT RUNS AT 1 MIP, DAMN IT!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are incorrect.  There are many machines which run at 1 MIP.  The
} Yugochip is a small but amazing chip, with a small but amazing bug:  the
} program counter is read-only, and incremented on each instruction cycle.
} It does not wrap around.  It is 20 bits (the Yugochip is an 8088
} variant), and so a Yugochip machine is permanantly disabled after one
} mega-instruction.  It is thus a 1-MIP (one million instructions, period)
} machine.
}
} It is so successful that they are coming out with the Yugo3chip, which
} will be a 1GIP machine.


16-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three fish, four fish, black fish, more fish!


16-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people spend time reading news on the network and never
> participate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are psychic receptors for the intense mental energy beams of the
} truly intelligent.  Biffle blorfle brangle blanks.  I can't find my
} toad.  help.
}
} quti
}
} quit
}
} send
}
} exit
}
} q
}
} send this fucking message dammit
}
} help
}
} ?
}
} where's the fucking manual?
}
} get me the hell out of here
}
} ~!man mail
}
} That's really stupid!


16-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does water flow downhill in the springtime?
>
>       -Love Kisses and a Neutron Bomb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Water flow downhill in pringtime because it not very much.  oh.  fun.
} no.  not that.  anything but that.  they spike my steam with free
} association stuff.  and nonsense.  very much nonsense.  the neutron bomb
} is not the good thing.  neither am i the good thing.  the neutron bomb
} use heavy water.  heavy watter falls down and runss down.  springtime
} not matter much.  very ogod.  goo away now.


16-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   If this is for real, or a joke, or something else..(please specify
>   what if it's something else)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is something else.  This is for cosmic insight, frequently to be
} obtained in the sense of a Zen koan.  This is for advice and
} commiseration.  This is for fun.  This is the world in microcosm, Kether
} and Chokmah and Binah and Malkuth.  This is the toast of the town, the
} ghost in the gown.  Yeah.


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