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Internet Oracularities #160

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160, 160-01, 160-02, 160-03, 160-04, 160-05, 160-06, 160-07, 160-08, 160-09, 160-10


Usenet Oracularities #160    (12 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 May 90 01:25:21 -0500

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160   12 votes 01443 00246 04512 33150 11280 70140 12540 73200 23331 43311
160   2.9 mean  3.8   4.3   3.1   2.7   3.4   2.2   3.0   1.6   2.8   2.3


160-01    (01443 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who knows all the stuff in the universe, including the
> naughty bits, please tell me...
>
> What is with the toilet paper in my office? I've run across softer,
> more absorbant ROCKS!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Each of us is born into this life with a duty to perform, an issue to
} resolve (such as working on relationships, learning to refry beans, and
} so on), or a cosmic/spiritual matter to experience and transcend.  This
} is called the law of Kharma.  In a previous incarnation, you obviously
} fixated on a very basic level, that of the first chakra (one of the
} seven points where spiritual energy enters/leaves the body).  The first
} chakra is associated with elimination, or as you most probably know it,
} "poopies".
}
} The fact that the cosmos has seen fit to give you such petrified toilet
} paper is an obvious clue as to your path in this life:  you must use the
} paper and rise above the discomfort.  By doing so, you can transcend
} this basic fixation and, having finished your work on this plane in this
} incarnation, be struck down by a truck so you may reincarnate and work
} on the next level, chakra two, which deals with X-windows debug
} messages.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete text of the devine Hindu texts and a copy
} of Shirley McLaine's latest book.


160-02    (00246 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Mighty, Powerful, Invincible, Omnipotent, Supreme,
> Important, Commanding, Forceful, Influential, Strong, and Robust ...
>
> What other uses can I put my thesaurus to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you kidding?  Why, the thesaurus is one of the most useful items
} you will ever own!  Besides the obvious physical uses (such as
} propping up computer tables with wobbly legs and the like), a
} thesaurus has virtually unlimited possibilities:
}
} * Dealing with parents - A continuous refrain of "Dad, I need more
}   money 'cause I'm broke" wears thin on even the most loving of
}   parental ears after a while.  With just a little flipping through
}   the pages of your trusty thesaurus, your begging will sound like
}   IBM's annual report.  "Dad, I am experiencing a balance shortfall
}   due to unforeseen second-quarter operating expenses.  Further
}   infusion of venture capital is required to continue funding of
}   ongoing projects at their present level."  Assuming your father
}   isn't a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, you'll get the money you
}   need for that party at the Phi Sig house right away!  They'll
}   believe that you must be learning SOMEthing at that college....
}
} * Dealing with bureaucrats - Ever get frustrated when those pesky
}   jerks at major service organizations (government agencies, banks,
}   universities, department store customer-service departments, and
}   the local video rental shop) spew forth streams of gibberish at
}   your tender eardrums?  Well, with the aid of your trusty thesaurus,
}   you can baffle 'em right back!  "There was an unplanned causal
}   intervention approximately a fortnight ago, so I was sadly forced
}   to defer the expediting of the necessary papers to your department."
}   (Translation: "Two weeks ago my tire blew, so that's why I haven't
}   given you your stupid forms yet.")  At the very least, you'll be
}   able to curse these devotees of rules and regulations in new and
}   exciting ways.
}
} * Dealing with the fairer sex - Now HERE'S a use of the thesaurus that
}   we can all empathize with...don't just rely on "You look great
}   today!" or something like that.  Instead, flip through your trusty
}   thesaurus and say, "Darling, you look absolutely splendiferous this
}   afternoon.  Your new lace-edged tie-dyed T-shirt and Lycra miniskirt
}   look simply luscious!"  Women who hear this begin to entertain the
}   notion that you are a man of intelligence and sensitivity, and one
}   with a sense of language that never sleeps.  They will, in short,
}   want to bear your children--or, at the very least, engage in hours
}   of nonstop copulation.  And the thesaurus can help even in those
}   areas; why settle for "You were great, Baby!" when you can say
}   "Madame, your performance was extraordinarily skillful and
}   masterfully executed; you are quite clearly an artiste
}   extraordinaire!"
}
} Perhaps the Oracle has made his point.  There are many, many possible
} uses for a thesaurus; while it may be obfuscatory, and certainly
} rather cloying in its descriptivity, it is nevertheless quite clearly
} a very powerful and versatile tool.
}
} For more information, please send for my new guide, "1001 Uses for The
} Thesaurus You Were Going To Pitch Into The Trash Right After You
} Graduated From High School," by the Usenet Oracle.  270 pages of
} fact-filled ideas, all for only $9.95.
}
} [LAWYER'S NOTES:  Offer void where prohibited by law.  Program is
} licensed, not sold.  Provided "as is," without any warranty or
} guarantee.  Some restrictions apply.  An Equal Opportunity Employer.
} Call for further details.  Limited to one per household.  Plus tax and
} license; prices may vary.  Member FDIC.  If rash develops, discontinue
} use.  Close cover before striking.  You must be 18 or older to play.
} UNIX is a trademark of AT&T Bell Laboratories.  Simulated picture.
} Available only in USA, APO's, and FPO's.  All rights reserved.  May
} not be rebroadcast without express permission of Major League
} Baseball.  Yak yak yak.  Blab blab blab.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Roget's II."


160-03    (04512 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Listen, Orrie, what do you think you're doing? Why do you never write
> anything about me? I mean, I'm actually the net.lingerie.goddess, you
> know, so I think I'd be as interesting for your readers as the net.sex
> and net.suppleness.goddesses, wouldn't I? But while you write *pages*
> about that slut Lisa, who doesn't even wear any underwear most of the
> time, and Barbara the titless wonder, who doesn't need a bra any more
> than an eskimo needs an icebox, you never write a single line about me.
>
> Actually, I happen to know that several guys have written to you asking
> about me, and you have refused to answer their questions, in one case
> actually writing about the net.devils instead! Well, Mr. Oracle, I take
> that as a personal insult!
>
> OK, those guys are just unhappy computer nerds who can't relate to real
> women and have to fantasize about me instead, I know that. But you know
> as well as I do that we net.goddesses *need* worshippers!
>
> So, what's the matter? I *did* agree to date you, dindn't I? Are you
> angry because I didn't yield to your advances? Because I didn't agree
> when you thought I'd look better *without* my lingerie? Well, you'd
> better get used to the fact, Mr. net.horny.stud, that I'm no fucking
> net.sex.goddess!
>
> I'll give you one last chance, though you don't really deserve it. But
> if you can't give me a damn good reason why you refuse writing about me,
> I'll complain to Steve Kinzler!  And I mean it!
>
>                                    Yours,
>
>                                    Lena

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lena my dear,
}
} These geeks are simply incapable of appreciating you.  They want
} their women naked.  I'm afraid that if one spends all day and much of
} the night answering questions from horny nerds who fantasize about
} lingerie being torn off and lipstick being applied to three unusual
} locations of the female body, something is bound to rub off.  Hey, I'm
} only near-omniscient, not incorruptible or otherwise superhuman.
}
} Consider, Lena my lovely, that these guys spend hours a day looking at
} catalogs from Sears, gazing at the models in the Women's Undergarments
} section.  Also they look at those ad supplements that come with local
} Sunday papers and have models in bra and panties.  Hence, 99% of the
} time they are looking at a representation of the female body it is
} wearing cheap lingerie -- not the wonderful classy stuff you wear.  And
} they get the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog -- all cheap rayon crap
} that you would not be caught dead in, and acrylic wigs.  Most of these
} guys haven't the nerve to buy nudie magazines.  So you can see why they
} want NUDITY.
}
} Poor child.  Look, I've got you some Concorde tickets.  There's a new
} shop in Rouen that stocks nothing but silk undergarments.  You're
} authorized to use my credit card, which has quite a limit on it.  Go
} there and shop 'til you drop.  Go to your favorite haunts in Paris as
} well.  Heck, I know that there's a place in Napoli that you like -- take
} the train there, too, while you're in Europe.  You'll feel better.
}
} I've had that new bra made for you.  All antique ecclesiastical lace,
} guaranteed at least 200 years old.
}
} -O.


160-04    (33150 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I'm a bit worried about Jeff, my roommate.  It's not that he's playing
> computer games all the nights, cause that's pretty normal among CS
> majors.  It's also not very strange that his favorite game is an
> implementation of strip poker, or that he gets very excited when the
> computer loses and the girls on the screen take off their clothes -
> that's also normal for CS students.
>
> However, when he loses, and the computer tells him that he lost some
> clothes, he actually takes them off!  I'm getting used to seeing him
> sitting there more or less nude in front of his Macintosh, but it got a
> bit embarrassing last night when my girlfriend came to visit me and she
> entered the room as Jeff, having just lost his underpants, took them
> off, threw them at the keyboard and started begging the girl on the
> screen to at least take off her bra.
>
> Please, Oh mighty Oracle, tell me what I should do about it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's serious.  It demands drastic measures.  First, delete every copy
} of this game, and any others that you can find.  Get rid of any on-disk
} nudie pictures that he has.
}
} Now comes the hard part.  Whether you are willing to do it depends on
} how much of a friend you are to him, or how many real friends he has.
} Get all of his friends together and hire a pretty girl majoring in
} drama.  (The money will be the hard part.) No, not to have sex with him,
} but to spend time with him, flirt with him, and get him used to the idea
} of having a real live woman around and apparently interested in him.
} She's got to be a good sport, and a quick thinker (need an actress who
} can improvise well).  She's got to maintain a fine balance:  act strange
} enough and wild enough to keep him from falling in love with her, yet be
} interesting and sympathetic enough to keep _him_ interested.  There are
} other ways, but somehow you've got to show him that a real woman is far
} superior to little phosphor dots controlled by software.
}
} Heaven help you all if the poor geek falls in love with her -- unless
} she falls in love with him.


160-05    (11280 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: The Committee for Appointment of New Deities <CCND@olympos.gov>
> To:   The Usenet Oracle <oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> At its meeting last Wednesday, the Committee reviewed your application
> for the newly created position as net.oracularity.god. Since you were
> the only applicant fulfilling the necessary requirements (all the other
> applicants being computer nerds from various American colleges), the
> Committee would have appointed you to said position, had it not been for
> certain complaints of a rather aggravating nature, viz.
>
> 1) A not inconsiderable number of clients maintain that you have given
> them rude, evasive or irrelevant answers to their questions, thereby
> violating points 5,6 and 7 of your employment contract.
>
> 2) You have, in blatant violation of said contract,  at several times
> left the answering of your clients' questions to your janitor, whose
> total inability to provide satisfactory answers (him being sadly remiss
> in literacy as well as omniscience) has caused said clients considerable
> inconvenience.
>
> 3) Your telephone bill is approximately eight times above the budgeted
> amount, the reason being, apparently, the large numbers of long-distance
> calls to Heaven and Hell for sometimes extremely obscure reasons.
>
>
> However, since your application was supported by such deities as the
> net.sex.goddess and the net.suppleness.goddess, the Committee decided to
> give you the opportunity of giving your explanation of the above com-
> plaints. We would greatly appreciate if you could give the Committe a
> written account, in three copies, before the Committee's next meeting,
> which will take place on April 25, 2030 AD.
>
>                                    For the Committe,
>
>                                    (signed)
>
>                                    Stanley, the net.bureaucracy.god

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lessee, Stan...1) rudeness; 2) janitorial answers; 3) huge phone bills.
}
} Sometimes people need rudeness.  It's often the best response to a
} questioner of unsound mind.  Being essentially omniscient means that
} I know what's best for such loonies.  Really you should trust my
} knowledge and skill.
}
} Actually, it's not just the janitor.  It's computer geeks breaking
} into the OraNet-to-Internet link, and replacing my brilliant responses
} with their own twaddle.  This explains the occasional uncalled-for
} rudeness (as opposed to therapeutic rudeness) of responses.  I use the
} term "janitor" as a catch-all, because the real janitor does such an
} awful job around here (dust everywhere, sexually-related stuff all
} over the floors for quite a long time after Lisa visits, filthy johns).
} Just because I know a lot doesn't mean that I can always prevent things
} from happening.
}
} Phone bills:  Well, the ones to Heaven are going to get cheaper, because
} now all major long-distance companies are competing in that market.
} Also the Almighty is getting a special toll-free line which He might let
} me use now and again.  As for Hell, it's still served only by AT&T, and
} the heat-resistant tungsten lines (high resistance, too, you know, and
} hard to splice) have to be paid for somehow.  Also they're switching
} to refractory fiber-optics, and the initial capital cost on that is
} going to keep rates high for a long while.
}
} Get your secretary to make triplicate copies.


160-06    (70140 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya, Oracle, have yerself some beers!  Now, I ' ve got this little
> problem.  Here it is:
>   ->    <-
> right between those arrows.  What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, that's small!  In fact, no adult human male has ever had such a
} small one before.  And that's fully erect, too!  How awful for you!
}
} Not much you can do apart from putting celibacy to some good use.  The
} Oracle doesn't see what else is possible.  Gender-reassignment surgery
} requires something to make the artificial female organs out of, and
} there just isn't enough if all you've got has the length of the gap
} between those arrows.
}
} Wait a second, that can't be right.  You're lying.  The Oracle sees
} perfectly well that --
}
} Oh.  You've got one of those projection-screen monitors on your
} workstation.  And you're using it in a large auditorium.  17 inches.
} Wow.  What are you complaining about?  _That's_ a problem?
}
} Go away.  The Oracle is envious of you.
}
} Gotta tell Lisa about this guy.


160-07    (12540 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why worry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why worry, indeed?  Well, you've put on twenty pounds in the last
} week, and your mailbox is overflowing with bills and junk mail, and
} those pesky cockroaches in your sink just won't go away, and your
} girlfriend just ran off with a folksinger, and your last rent check
} bounced, and there's a weenie-head in the White House with an even
} bigger one as his Vice-President, and the Republicans are trying to
} cut the First Amendment to shreds with one hand while picking your
} pocket with the other, and Donald Trump is about to buy your apartment
} building and turn it into luxury condos, and they just proved that the
} frozen pizza you ate for dinner causes cancer in laboratory rats, and
} there's been an alarming increase in the number of Scientologists,
} Hare Krishnas, and Moonies hanging around airport terminals asking for
} donations, and the stock market is about to take a thousand-point
} nosedive, and a Cessna is about to crash into your mother's house in
} Cleveland, and people are actually beginning to take Madonna
} seriously, and some Soviet missile technician is about to spill a
} whole bottle of Stolichnaya over a few control consoles and send a
} bunch of SS-17s and SS-18s speeding towards Hackensack, New Jersey,
} and there's a well-known burglar and serial killer in your bedroom at
} this very moment, and a squadron of space aliens are about to invade
} this planet, sacking, burning, and generally raising mass havoc
} everywhere they go, condemning the whole planet to a life of slavery
} and torture forever.
}
} But other than that, well, there's no reason to worry, is there?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Mad magazine.


160-08    (73200 dist, 1.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, please tell me what the bickering is about on
> talk.bizarre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have got an Incarnation of the Oracle who is a long-time reader
} of and contributor to talk.bizarre.  I remember it from when it was
} net.bizarre, and I have a talk.bizarre T-shirt.
}
} The bickering is always the same.  Some newcomer posts something that
} others consider stupid or dull, and they flame him.  He flames back.
} Or one of the old hands (like greg Nowak) flames another, and they have
} a flame war for a week or two.  Never anything important.
}
} Meanwhile some idiots keep posting boring drivel that nobody reads.
} A very small group of creative people like me posts interesting drivel
} that a lot of people read.  And so it goes...
}
} Bickering on t.b is a part of the froup.  Live with it or unsubscribe.


160-09    (23331 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me Oh Great and Wonderful Oracle, whose Underwear never has that
> ugly brown stripe down the back...
>
> What is black and white and (read,red) all over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is "white"?  White is the very essence of Zen.  It is all things,
} and nothing.  The blank page is like the blank mind, clear of all
} blemishes.  Enlightenment is granted to those with a receptive being.
}
} What is "black"?  Black is the very color of emptyness.  As the heavens
} are when the stars are swept away so too is the color of nothingness.
} And yet black is the color of raven.
}
} What is "red"?  Red is life, as the red red robin comes bob bob bobbin'
} along.  Red is the dawn and the soul of the flame.
}
} So, do you not see the answer within yourself?  No?  The road to
} enlightment is still long before your feet.
}
} A race riot in South Africa, of course.  Ninny.


160-10    (43311 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Barbara Bush spit or swallow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like all good high-school losers, she sits in the back of the bus with a
} pop can to hold her spit.  When she finally arrives in school, she plugs
} the spout with the used chew to show how mature she is.  Note:  all of
} Barbara's jeans have those telltale rings on the back pocket.
}
} You owe the Oracle two cans of Skoal.


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