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23 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:32:21 GMT

Internet Oracularities #161

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161, 161-01, 161-02, 161-03, 161-04, 161-05, 161-06, 161-07, 161-08, 161-09, 161-10


Usenet Oracularities #161    (9 votes, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 May 90 11:53:47 -0500

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161    9 votes 31410 32301 51210 62100 21240 24201 52101 12141 53100 22230
161   2.3 mean  2.3   2.3   1.9   1.4   2.9   2.3   1.9   3.2   1.6   2.7


161-01    (31410 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle:
> I'm a feminist, and I don't think it's fair that we women don't
> have penises.  I think it's the result of millenia of male domination.
> How can women have them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO ACQUIRING A PENIS
}                          (For Women)
}
} It's obvious that you haven't looked hard enough for a penis, for there
} are many ways.  Some of the more popular are listed here.
}
} The least effective method is usually employed by the destitute wowomen
} of the world; begging.  Often women approach men on streets and ask for
} a penis, though it is rare that the man has one to spare.  Sometimes you
} can enter a penis broker and get one via a trade in of other important
} body parts (such as brains, for those women who have them) or
} suspenders.  Unfortunately both methods suffer from a noted lack of
} success.
}
} Another method involves petunias, UNIX, electricity, and suction, but I
} won't detail it here; it can be found merely by examining alt.sex
} archives.  The problem with this method involves encountering articles
} on Nasal Sex repeatedly.  But it works!
}
} The Oracle's favorite method of penis acquisition can be summed up in
} two words.  Mellow Mail.  This famous catalog of raunchy material
} includes ads for penis brokers, but to that I do not refer.  Rather,
} DICK GREYSON, BOY WONDER is the penis of choice for feminists who feel
} dominated.  Dick is enough penis for any woman, be she feminist or
} attractive.  Any woman who wants a penis should run to the nearest
} raunch shop and order Dick through your friend and mine, the U.S.  Post
} Office.  Only three parts to assemble (one of which is you, o,
} naturally); all snap on easily and are ready to use within seconds.  The
} Oracle cannot commend Dick Greyson highly enough; hey, even Lisa (the
} antithetical feminist) likes him!  Run out and acquire your penis of
} choice today!  This message brought to you by the Penis Growers of
} America Local 236 and the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clitoris.


161-02    (32301 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone recently asked you what the smurfiest sex toy was, and you
> proceded to tell them what the sexiest smurf toy was, if I can take
> liberties with the word "sexiest".  Don't you understand that
> "smurfiest" does not mean "pertaining to smurfs in a mostish manner"?  I
> am sorely displeased.
>
> I would have thought the smurfiest sex toy was something Lisa had custom
> built for her, or some such.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, some of these incarnations of the Oracle have parser problems.
} Doesn't help being near-omniscient when you can't understand a query
} properly.  Kinzler ought to build a better interface that analyzes
} queries and translates them into baby talk if necessary.
}
} Well, Lisa really doesn't use sex toys much, preferring the real thing
} and being able to get it by virtue of her lack of virtue, beautiful
} body, and reputation for being a very good lay.  The best sex toy (or
} most wonderful or elaborate or effective, which is what the original
} petitioner meant by "smurfy" -- shit, why can't they use English) is the
} new soft-plastic Elle MacPherson.  They took a plaster cast of Elle's
} body, from which they made molds used to make the copy.  The finest-
} quality silicone rubber delicately-tinted, odor-free and guaranteed to
} reproduce the properties of human skin, is cast into an astonishing
} duplicate of Elle's skin.  This is mounted on a fiberglass skeleton
} fitted with a system of silicone-rubber bags which, when filled with a
} concentrated brine, closely mimic the feel and weight of real flesh.  A
} system of nichrome wires underneath the pseudo-skin warm "Elle" to the
} right temperature, and a computer-controlled pseudovagina and mouth make
} the right motions and secrete artificial fluids.  Also under computer
} control is a large set of solenoid actuators which cause the "body" to
} writhe during simulated sex.
}
} On receipt of "Elle" (must be sent surface freight), the user must mix
} the brine and fill the internal silicone bags with it.  For greater
} realism, batteries (new-generation sealed rechargeable lead-acid,
} included) and artificial body fluids are added or changed via
} tightly-sealed, all-but-invisible hatches.
}
} This is a high-quality product, made in the Netherlands by Kienstra Sex
} Toys, Ltd.  Real human hair, realistically rooted to scalp and crotch by
} an internationally-patented process, adds to the pleasure.
}
} Kienstra also makes duplicates of other models and film stars.  Prices
} start at $27,900; the "Elle" described is the top-of-the-line, at
} $36,240 (current exchange rates).


161-03    (51210 dist, 1.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm here at the doctor's office for a "Routine Exam" (He left the room
> to get something and I am borrowing his computer).  He told me to take
> my pants off, bend over, and grab my ankles.  Then he decided that he
> forgot something, and left the room.  What are his intentions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The doctor obviously wants to grab the plunger from behind the toilet in
} the bathroom down the hall, three doors down on the right.  He's going
} to use this to relieve any intestinal clogs he found during your
} examination.  If this diesn't work, he'll grab the nearest Roto-Rooter
} guy and have him try to unclog you.
}
} You owe the Oracle $15 for an office visit and $25 for the rectal exam.


161-04    (62100 dist, 1.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wooly one, who's sure feet make him most agile
> on the rocky slopes, who large and curving horns are the
> fear of all others, who musk gland produce the most fragrant
> sprays, and who's odor is most goatlike, tell me what I want
> to hear.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, most humble admirer, want to here the PG-13 ballad of Lisa...
}
} There one was a lady,
} with hair so fair,
} the guys couldn't help,
} but ogle and stare...
}
} Her skin was soft,
} and gentle to touch,
} her breasts were large,
} but not too much...
}
} Along came the Oracle,
} He's one cool stud,
} Landed on Earth,
} with not even a thud...
}
} He looked at Lisa,
} with eyes open wide,
} And new what he wanted,
} One heck of a ride...
}
} She turned to hime,
} a smile on her lips,
} beckoned to him,
} and swayed her hips...
}
} The Oracle went over,
} and grabbed her tight,
} the time was now,
} the time was right...
}
} As the bible would say,
} they "knew" each other,
} He was the master,
} she his lover...
}
} The Oracle thought,
} and was thankfull for his luck,
} This lady Lisa,
} was one great Friend...
}
} (Hey, you wanted to hear the PG-13 version, they're not allowed to say
} the F word on TV unless it's Andrew "Dice" Clay)
}
} You owe the Oracle something that goes in soft, and comes out hard and
} wet.
}
}
} Like bubble gum.


161-05    (21240 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When people around here put personal ads in the newspaper requesting
> partners for kinky sex, they always describe themselves as "discrete."
> Is this just an improper spelling of "discreet," or do they really
> mean "discrete"?  If so, what exactly do they mean by it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's just the latest fad.  Mutual masterbatory celibacy.
} You can read about it in "The Joy of Misery," by Wanton Books.
}
} dis*crete, adj.  1. Individually distinct; separate.  2. Consisting
} of unconnected distinct parts.
}
} YOU try and have sex with unconnected and distinct
} parts, and you'll understand the title.  It mainly
} involves auto-groping, lonely moans, and eye-contact
} from across the room.  Plus reading.  Lots of reading.


161-06    (24201 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and might Oracle, who's penis dwarfs the average size man, who
> great, huge, hanging balls produce enough sperm to fertilize 70% of
> women on Earth at one time, who's mighty erection is more rigid than a
> Polaris missile, who's knowledge of the ways of love make the Kama Sutra
> look like an grade school reading primer, and who's tongue is nicknamed
> the "Serpent of Love" by Lisa herself, shine your lovelight on the
> darkness of my loins and tell me step by step the best way to bring
> Fifi, my french poodle, to a screaming, howling orgasm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, Fifi is the product of generations of selective
} inbreeding.  Now I'm not knocking selective inbreeding (which has
} given us such lucrative if not especially attractive creatures as
} prize heiffers and the Royal Family), but face it--your Fifi is not
} exactly a triumph of genetic engineering.  Her large, bulging eyes are
} continually infected and covered with thick crust deposits, the
} dingleberries nestled around her hindquarters equal at least 30% of
} her body weight, and her brain's roughly the size of an emperor grape.
} She cannot even begin to grasp the principle of a "doggie door", and
} refuses to eat anything except twinkies, pickled herring in cream
} sauce, and an occasional sip of Tab.  So like all poodles, Fifi's not
} (as the Darwinians say) One of the Fittest.  Indeed, scientists
} predict that if in the wake of some global disaster all domesticated
} animals were forced to fend for themselves, within three days 86% of
} the poodle population would be eaten by house cats, your Fifi being
} among the first no doubt.  She is very, very low on the food chain.
}
} You might want to take a long, hard look at these facts before
} considering Fifi as an object of sexual desire.  She's not even a
} particularly hot item within the dog world--indeed, statistics show
} over 92% of all repectable dogs (German Shepherds etc.) would rather
} chew off their own forepaws than mate the likes of Fifi.  But even if
} some down-and-out, mangy mutt with extremely low self-esteem did
} decide to have a go at your little friend, she wouldn't be into it.
} She's not only one stupid pooch, she's also neurotic as hell--or the
} (as the American Kennel Club folks say) One Frigid Bitch.  Do you
} really think a dog that spends 4 hours trembling under the couch every
} time the mailman comes is gonna lay back & enjoy it when you try to
} shove a bone-shaped squeaky toy up its little canine kazoo?  Not
} likely.  So clearly, your task is a difficult one.
}
} But in answer to your question, why bother me about this?  Ask
} rec.pets.  Those people love this sort of question, they're very
} helpful, and have years of experience in puppy pooning.  Ask them.


161-07    (52101 dist, 1.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What is the most outrageous answer you can think of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Okay, buddy, you asked for it.]
}
} Go sodomize your grandfather, you homosexual incestuous necrophiliac
} gerontophile.  You should be chopped up into little bite-sized morsels,
} marinated in cheap soy sauce, and fried in fat rendered from the smegma
} of Filipino lepers.  But first you should be tortured by having to
} breathe the farts of a Welsh male chorus, sequestered and fed uncooked
} beans, and connected up so that their farts are vented into a small room
} where you are confined.
}
} That's just an impromptu.  It's the worst I can manage in a minute or
} so.


161-08    (12141 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write to my mother, but I don't have time.
> Can you please write something for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mom,
}
} I'm sorry I haven't written for so long.  I just finished my jail term
} and can now continue classes for this term.  They aborted my pregnancy
} at the jail, so I don't have to worry about that any longer.  The scars
} have almost fully healed, and the doctors say I should be able to walk
} again soon.  I'll be able to continue my work at the studio and soon
} you'll be able to see my video "My Left Breast." And, you'll be pleased
} to know that the aliens that have been speaking to me have promised to
} grant me great powers soon.  I'm sorry this is written in blood, but I
} couldn't find a pen, and this kid just happened to walk by.
}
}                                         (signed)
}
}                                         Your Loving Daughter


161-09    (53100 dist, 1.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose very breath causes the demons of Hell to flee in
> scraming terror:
>
> In your postings to rec.humor, you mention Lisa then net.sex.goddess and
> Lena the net.lingerie.goddess.
>
> Here in Sweden, there are a lot of childrens' books about two little
> girls called Lisa and Lena (my mother used to read them to me when I was
> four or five years old).  Is this just a coincidence, or are they the
> same Lisa and Lena?  The books were probably written in the early
> sixties, so their (Lisa's and Lena's) ages are about right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, that breath is a gift from ol' J. C., a personal buddy of mine.
} He went down there and harrowed (as opposed to etoning) Hell...
}
} Anyway, Lisa and Lena are indeed the girls in the books.  Both are
} beautiful Swedes -- everybody knows that Swedish women are the most
} beautiful in the world, except maybe Welsh women (matter of taste --
} the Oracle prefers the dark little creatures, but as you know, not all
} Swedes are blonde).
}
} -O.


161-10    (22230 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O most wise oracle, whose ______ I'm not allowed to ______ (fill in
> the blanks)
>   If Lisa is the net.sex.goddess and Barbara is the
> net.suppleness.goddess and Lena is the net.lingere.godess, then what is
> Cindy the net.goddess of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cuteness.  Cindy is adorably cute.  She likes cute things, like Smurfs
} and Hummel figurines and the Campbell Soup kewpies of yore and those
} Xmas cards that display the Holy Family as utterly adorable in the
} saccharine sense of the word.  The trouble is that Cindy herself is so
} cute that any normal red-blooded male wants to hug her until her ribs
} squeak, then proceed to passionate kissing of her impossibly pretty
} face, then have frenzied sex with her whilst fondling her cute, firm
} little breasts.  Fine.  But anything more than a one-night stand will
} turn most men's stomachs.  She keeps degenerating into baby talk and
} using such words as "smurfy" and talking about her favorite cute things
} and imitating the young Shirley Temple, so that not even the sight of
} her in the cutest lingerie (Lena advises her), like that lace teddy with
} the face on it so that its eyes are her cute little nipples peeping
} through strategically-placed holes can make up for it.  No, not even the
} cutest sex techniques taught her patiently by Lisa can make up for her
} horrific cuteness.
}
} Really the Oracle feels sorry for her.  All she's going to get is sex --
} no chance for a lasting relationship.


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