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Internet Oracularities #162

Goto:
162, 162-01, 162-02, 162-03, 162-04, 162-05, 162-06, 162-07, 162-08, 162-09, 162-10


Usenet Oracularities #162    (15 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 May 90 13:58:57 -0500

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

162   15 votes 55320 25521 31533 63501 23631 56121 04731 14460 54222 15522
162   2.7 mean  2.1   2.7   3.1   2.1   2.9   2.2   3.1   3.0   2.5   2.9


162-01    (55320 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise & unflappable Oracle,
>
> oh, what's the point of going on...i'm doomed...there's no reason
> to exist...can't even remember the stupid and mendacious question
> i was going to ask you...i wish i didn't exist...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you need a reason to go on?  Never fear, The Usenet Oracle's here!
}
}              THE USENET ORACLE'S TOP TEN REASONS TO GO ON LIVING
}
} 10. Late Night with David Letterman
} 9.  Michelle Eveland
} 8.  Technotronic videos
} 7.  Cola Wars
} 6.  Savings, savings, SAVINGS!!!!!
} 5.  Debbie Gibson's new fragrance, Electric Youth
} 4.  The Usenet Oracle
} 3.  Unix
} 2.  The University of Minnesota, Morris is finally getting a new Student
}     Center!
}
} And the number on reason to go on living:
}
} 1.  Lisa and Lena
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Larry "Bud" Melman.


162-02    (25521 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am from Australia, and we have only just started getting the alt.*
> groups.  I've just spent some time looking at alt.flame, and all the
> people going on and on about nothing and a question springs to mind:
>
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time there was a land called "Usenet".  Most of the
} people there were social outcasts who found joy in the twiddling
} of bits.  Being as how they were very good at this twiddling,
} they took pride in their opinions, and stated them loudly so that
} others would listen to them and respect them.  Into the faceless
} void of the net they would type their opinions, and woe unto the
} unsuspecting visitor who might question their Not So Humble
} Opinions...
}
} It is the need to be heard that you see in alt.flame, the need to
} define onesself by having, and stating, strong opinions.  It is
} easy to rant and rave at a faceless audience that is always quiet
} while you are typing at them.
}
} Those who never feel listened to find solace in alt.flame.  Be
} thankful that you are not one of them.  Give understanding and
} pity to those in alt.flame, because you have what they do not.


162-03    (31533 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most experienced and wise Oracle,
> What advice would you give to one about to take four final exams in a
> two-day period?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Before the first examination, buy or otherwise acquire a large (100-
}    200 gallons) bottle of brandy or cognac.  Before each examination,
}    immerse the teaching assistant of the relevant course in the liquor,
}    and set them alight.
}
} 2. Drop two tabs of LSD before each examination.
}
} 3. When the whale swims up to the glasnost, emit beams of radiation in
}    standard Pascal which sort the input data.
}
} 4. Make sure that Yasser Arafat doesn't firebomb your table of
}    integrals.  The best way to do this is a short SNOBOL program.  Don't
}    use the "FRETURN" mechanism, though.  Yasser's sure to have it
}    booby-trapped.
}
} 5. If Secretary of State James Baker shows up with a phaser and a
}    shovel, dive very quickly under the place where the table used to be,
}    even if it looks like a mantissa at the moment.  Be careful not to
}    disturb the nuclear warheads they keep there.
}
} 6. Be sure to bring some bowls and spoons, in case the exam papers are
}    written on ice cream.
}
} 7. Bring a copy of the Bill of Rights, in case you somehow become an
}    American citizen or a fried potato or something like that.  Make sure
}    that it satisfies all the requirements of data abstraction, code
}    modulation, and big clouds of gas and dust.
}
} 8. Don't glitch on the whale.  It has a bright spot on its surface,
}    which you detect each time it spins.
}
} 9. *(  -dng 14@ object # ajixi?  Oh, the *$N spinning.
}
} 10. Interfe!$@ puslll N(( *$N.
}
} 11. On second thought, lay off the LSD.


162-04    (63501 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the depth of meaning in the common manager's mating
> cry, to wit:
>
>     "Get outta my face ya bum an shaddap er ya FIRED!"
>
> I hear it quite commonly, in fact, with alarming frequency;
> should I be concerned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me put it this way:
}
}       Get outta my face ya bum an shaddap er ya FIRED!
}
} You owe the Oracle your first unemployment cheque.


162-05    (23631 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there health hazards peculiar to being Canadian?  Eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Professor Snilwit's _Guide To the Fauna of Canada_ he makes a
} reference to the tendency for most Canucks to end a sentence with some
} strange syllable.  While not in itself dangerous, it often confers a
} sense of stupidity about the speaker, thus leading to assaults by
} vicious muggers and grammatical nuns.  Another problem with being
} Canadian arises from a dietary predilection for bad beer -- this leads,
} of course, to the making of movies such as _Strange Brew_ and the
} evolution of the MacKenzie brothers, both of which can be tried as
} justifiable homicide in American courts.  Thus Canadian beer-drinkers
} who say "eh?" have a short life-span in the United States.  Health
} hazards peculiar to the location of the Canadian in question are:  acid
} rain's gaseous hiccup (ARGH), being eaten by brown bears (or polar
} bears), falling into the ocean, shooting yourself while hunting, and
} falling into a vat of beer.  For a more definitive answer see "I Hate
} Canada" by P.  Trudeau.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 51st state.


162-06    (56121 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much news could usenet use if usenet could use news?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} nooze!
} It's just another kind of booze!
} It's made for people who love to looze!
} I read it to the chicks I crooze!
} That's what I love about netnooze!


162-07    (04731 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and Hunnish Oracle, without whom Cleveland would be fleeing,
> whose beauty randomizes the politicians themselves, I abase myself
> before your artistic non sequitur.  I made a lasagne by the recipe you
> sent me, and now the noodles are glowing green and creeping around my
> apartment.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you asked for the recipe for Teenage Mutant Ninja Pasta, and I
} gave it to you.  With proper marketing, you should draw in a bundle with
} syndication and merchandise.  Just don't get them really wet, otherwise
} they will dissolve and goo up your carpet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pasta action figure.
} The Oracle has advised.


162-08    (14460 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wildly massively all-seeing and god-fearing Oracle, without whom the
> nematode would be uncomplicated, whose omniscience delights the
> politicians themselves, I abase myself before your shocking omniscience.
>
> Should I stop asking you stupid questions and go back to work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Yes, you should, Jenkins.  This is your boss in #307, and I'm
} sick and tired of you wasting the company's CPU time and resources to
} send mail to this purile Oracle thing.
}
}         I've been reading this Oracle stuff, and I haven't found it to
} have one single redeeming quality.  Everyone seems pre-occupied with
} this fictitious Lisa character and phony conversations with Satan.
}
}         In this company, however, we observe a higher standard.  You're
} not meeting the standard, Jenkins.  So get your ass in gear and finish
} that OS/2 port; we've got a deadline.  And don't give me any of that
} creativity crap.  This is no time for creativity.  We've got a product
} to produce.
}
}         You owe The Oracle an honest day's work.


162-09    (54222 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone on the net just claimed that "labels matter less than what is
> inside." If this is true, this will completely demolish (1) my
> philosophy of life, which can be summed up as "look good, sound good,
> smell good, and you'll be rolling in chicks and money", and (2) my
> philosophy of buying canned goods in grocery stores, which can be summed
> up as "if it looks good, sounds good, and smells good, then pay the
> money and give it to a chick to cook for you." How should I respond to
> this deep, penetrating spirituoshopping crisis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do that which you always intended to do, viz: ignore the claim and
} go on looking good, sounding good, smelling good, and rolling in
} chicks and money.


162-10    (15522 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh clever Oracle most splendid, all-comprehending and all-trying and
> all-grokking and all-smelling and all-spying, whose roast glows to
> heaven, I beg of you,, answer my flamboyant query.
>
>   If, as some might suggest, I should best stop asking you dopy
>   questions and get back to work, what sort of work might be best for me
>   to get back to?  For I shall not do just *any* sort of work.  I shall
>   do nothing geeky or otherwise degrading, and whatever I do must be
>   scholarly and wise and suitable for a gentleman of impeccable taste.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Several options come to mind:
}
}       Coke is having a contest using some stupid pop-out-of-the-can
} gimmick.  Offer a service to X-ray Coke (tm) cans in bulk to look for
} winning cans without actually opening them.  Charge half the winnings.
}
}       Change the sheets on your bed.  This will improve your chances of
} finding a mate by rather a lot.
}
}       Hi-jack the Fox "Network's" satellite feed.  (You should, however,
} release it for 'The Simpsons.')
}
}       Find work as a Veg-O-Matic.
}
}       Send 'ask me's to The Oracle instead of 'tell me's.
}
}       Re-program Voyager II to send back its imagery as encapsulated
} PostScript files.
}
}       Offer to help Steve Kinzler scan material for the Usenet
} Oracularities.
}
}       Find out how Twin Peaks was *really* supposed to end.
}
}       Positively confirm or deny everything that is alleged on
} alt.conspiracy.
}
}       You owe The Oracle 10,000 Nintendo lockout chips.


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