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Internet Oracularities #163

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163, 163-01, 163-02, 163-03, 163-04, 163-05, 163-06, 163-07, 163-08, 163-09, 163-10


Usenet Oracularities #163    (14 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 29 May 90 10:42:29 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

163   14 votes 04730 33152 06332 05351 42521 44411 43322 52331 24620 02453
163   2.8 mean  2.9   3.0   3.1   3.1   2.6   2.4   2.6   2.5   2.6   3.6


163-01    (04730 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this tie-died bathmat doing in my home directory?  I'm trying to
> keep a clean Republican file system here, and these darn hippy things
> keep showing up right in my home directory.  Gosh darn it, it makes me
> so mad I could just LOWER TAXES!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dateline May 24th, 1990               AP wire Bulletin.
}
} The Defense Department Computer Network, formally DARPA, now NSFNET, has
} announced plans for transmitting matter over the internet communications
} lines.  The plan was annoucned yesterday in response to requests by the
} academic and scientific communities who wished to see something usefull
} come out of the US Defense Department.
}
} According to sources, the first test of matter transmission will be a
} tie- dyed mathmat that will be depostited into what is termed the Home
} Directory of all users of machines that are connected to the Internet.
} Defense Department spokesman Ivor Splint says:  "We feel that a tie-dyed
} bathmat is precisely what the academic, scientific, and military
} communites need in order for our progressive attitude towards a newer
} age of clours and fabrics in respect for the generations of two
} generations ago to be fully shown in the glory and desire it needs."
}
} Apparently the bathmat has caused some surprise in the Internet
} community, but as most users know, a simple %rm -f bathmat.takcy should
} cause it to be removed once and for all.


163-02    (33152 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wistful Oracle, whose eyes are like unto infinite football
> trophies, whose chest I am too lowly to confuse, without whom the green
> egg would be fragmentary, whose barrette I am too fat to ban, I humble
> myself before your rebellious intellect.
>
> Where might I find the great Oolbong of Baldoon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You generate these automatically, don't you?
}
} > Where might I find the great Oolbong of Baldoon?
}
}       He's moved:
} --------
} % f -m oolbong@remain.com
} Login name: oolbong                   In real life: The Great Oolbong
} Phone: (415)-767-2676
} Directory: /usr/acct/oolbong          Shell: /usr/bin/emacs
} On since May 25 00:25:43 on ttyv6
} Project: OS/2 port of "Robotron 2084"
} Plan:
}         Wow!  A user smart enough to use 'finger' on *this* system.
} Well, I suppose you want to know how I came about the moniker, "The
} Great Oolbong."
}
}         Way back when, I had a girlfriend.  Her name was Marie, but
} she's since changed it.  Anyway, as girlfriend and boyfriend are wont to
} do, we indulged in great quantities of mutual physical gratification (if
} you know what I mean, and I think you do).  The moniker stems from
} something that happened during just such an event.
}
}         Marie was quite amazing; there was no end to the variety of
} positions or techniques, or indeed locations involved during lovemaking.
} One day, while on vacation in Europe, we were touring a cathedral.  Part
} of the tour took us to the belfry.  Marie and I got separated from the
} rest of the group, and before we knew everyone had moved on, everyone
} *had* moved on, and we were locked in the belfry.
}
}         My immediate thoughts were to extricate ourselves from this
} ignominious position.  Marie, on the other hand, had other ideas, and
} before long was trying to disrobe me.  I tried to explain that there
} were more important things to attend to at the moment, and besides I
} thought it was rather bad form to make love in a church.  However, such
} pleadings had never worked with her before, and I was having similar
} results now.  She also knew where all my hot spot were, and before long
} we were both furiously pumping away.
}
}         People, including myself, when in the throes of passion, tend to
} make noises.  These noises don't necessarily have any meaning, or indeed
} make any sense, but they are made nontheless.  In my particular case, I
} tend to utter an "Ooooo"-type sound.  However, given that we were both
} standing up at the time, I was experiencing more structural stress than
} usual, and the sound was coming out somewhat garbled, as if I were
} adding an 'l' to the end.  We had also ended up such that my back was
} facing the large main bell (thought I didn't know that at the time).
} The bell came to about the nape of my neck.  Oh, did I mention I also
} throw my head back a lot?
}
}         Anyway, as final gratification approached, I uttered my sound at
} the top of my lungs and threw my head back.  I hit the bell rather
} firmly, causing it to make its characteristic noise.  The pain that
} followed a few picoseconds afterward caused me to lose all interest in
} what I was doing at the time and grab my head.  Marie, however, thought
} that the combination of the two sounds was absolutely the most
} hysterical thing she ever heard in her life, and burst out laughing.
} The sound also caught the attention of, well, everyone in the city,
} since the bell wasn't scheduled to make anything remotely approaching
} that kind of noise for at least another 20 minutes.  Shortly afterward,
} the tour guides opened the belfry and let us out (we had dressed by
} then).
}
}         Since that time, Marie has always referred to me by the sound
} that was made:  "Oolbong." "Baldoon" is a phonetically corrupted version
} of the name of the town where the cathedral is located.
}
}         I think you can still see the dent in the bell today...
} --------
}       Funny how My replies are always sexual in nature.
}
}       You owe The Oracle Marie's new name and address.


163-03    (06332 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Pepto-Bismol work?  Why should bismuth subsalicylate settle an
> upset stomach or ease diarrhea?  Why bismuth?  I like the word
> "bismuth." Bismuth, bismuth, bismuth.  I think I'll change my name to
> Bismuth B.  Bismuth and go around handing out bismuth tablets.  I also
> want things made out of bismuth.  Is bismuth metal stable in air?  Maybe
> I should have rings and dog tags and buttons on my jacket all made of
> bismuth.  How about a bismuth belt buckle?  Bismuth tips on my shoe
> laces.  Bismuth foil on the walls of my apartment instead of that stupid
> wallpaper.  Bismuth-plated bumpers on my car instead of chrome-plated
> ones.  Oooooh, I love bismuth!  Maybe I can have a dress and
> undergarments made of little bismuth links like chain mail only finer,
> and get my girlfriend to wear them.  I wonder if she'll change her name
> to Bismuthia -- what a pretty name!
>
> Yours in bismuth, O wise and bismuth-supportive Oracle,
>
> Bismuth B.  Bismuth

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you had better go back and read the instructions once more.  You
} should not pulverize tablets and inhale them nor should you inject the
} liquid into your arm.  Taking it this way is extremely addictive and
} causes one to rave on and on about how much they love and need it, as
} you have demonstrated in your question!  My advice to you is to throw
} away all Bismuth related producyou have in your home immediatly, then go
} and admit yourself into the Betty Ford Clinic.


163-04    (05351 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP!  One moment I was graduating from college, ready for an exciting
> career doing system programming, and all of a sudden I'm stuck inside
> this concrete building where the windows don't open, the fluorescent
> lights buzz, and this burly, smiling man holds the elevator doors open
> for me.  Where am I, how did I get here, and what do I have to do to get
> out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...sounds like IBM to me.  You are a slave of Big Blue.  I think
} that they've taken to kidnapping new employees.  But don't worry --
} spend all your time sending messages to and from the Oracle, and you'll
} be out of there in a jiffy!


163-05    (42521 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I asked you about bismuth and you said that I should stop taking bismuth
> tablets, and especially not sniff them or inject them.  But I haven't
> really been having much bismuth recently -- just a couple of
> Pepto-Bismol tablets (which contain bismuth subsalicylate) the other
> day.  It's not due to bismuth abuse that I have become obsessed with
> bismuth.  I just like the sound and look of the word, and the appearance
> of the metal.  Bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth,
> bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth,
> bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth.  Doesn't that make
> you feel wonderful, dear Oracle?  When was the last time you said
> "bismuth." You may not have said it since reciting a memorized list of
> elements!  Go ahead -- say it!  Use the word bismuth in a sentence.  Buy
> some Pepto-Bismol or a cheap copy -- get the liquid, and watch it slide
> against the glass, all pink- dyed.  Bismuth.  Wow.  Is bismuth used in
> any other commercially common products?  Where can I buy bismuth wire
> and bismuth tubing and assorted bismuth shapes?  I want to make statues
> of of bismuth.  I want to cover things with bismuth foil.  I want a
> bismuth condom.  I want to wrap food in bismuth foil instead of aluminum
> foil.  Is bismuth expensive or something?  How come people don't know
> about bismuth?  Doesn't the name bismuth come from "weiss [something or
> other]" meaning "white [something or other -- 'stuff' or 'mass' or
> 'lump' I think] in German?  Is bismuth part of pewter?  Wood's metal?
> Type metal?  Any type of solder?
>
> Do you realize (of course you do, being the Oracle) that I've spent
> entire YEARS of my life without giving bismuth a thought?  I've even
> though more about ruthenium and rhodium than about bismuth.  Maybe
> bismuth is the catalyst for a practical form of cold fusion!  Years and
> years in which I didn't see the word "bismuth" in print, let alone say
> it!  And Pepto-Bismol ads don't mention the bismuth in it directly.
> Stupid fools!  Here they are with a product that is largely made of that
> wonderful chemical element BISMUTH and they don't proclaim it to the
> world!  Are they ashamed of bismuth?  Bismuth must be ashamed of them!
> I wouldn't be surprised if bismuth refused to be put in Pepto-Bismol any
> more -- if it went on strike!  I wouldn't blame it, either, oh no.
>
> Excuse me.  But I do hold bismuth in tender affection.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk, tsk, tsk...
}
} These Canadians are so stupid.
}
} Makes you wonder if they change their underwear.


163-06    (44411 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't we spell "Eskimo" "Esquimaux" any more?  Do the French still
> spell it that way?  Is it true that Eskimo consider it a mildly
> insulting term (somewhat less so than an American black might consider
> "nigger")?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You came to the right person on this one.  The Oracle has an agent in
} Alaska, and he has been contacted to try to answer this question for
} you.
}
} Hello, Alaska!  Can you hear me?  Come in!
}
}     What?
}
} A question has been posed to the Oracle that we would like you to
} answer.
}
}     So?
}
} Well, it is about Eskimos, and we figured that you would be the best one
} to answer it...  seeing as you are in Alaska and all.
}
}     Oh.  OK.  You realize that it IS 3AM here, don't you?
}
} Oh, sorry.  Forgot about the time difference.
}
}     No problem.  Let's see, the person wants to know 2 things.  First of
}     all, we do not spell Eskimo "Esquimeaux" anymore because the French
}     spelling is too hard, especially for English speaking persons.  If
}     the French want to spell it that way, fine by me, but don't say I
}     didn't tell you so!
}
}     As for the term "Eskimo" being insulting, are you insulted if
}     someone calls you by the name of your culture?  Frenchman,
}     Englishman, American, Eskimo, Athabaskan, Aleut, Y'upik.  They are
}     all very distinct and separate cultures.
}
}     If you really want to insult an Eskimo, call him an Aleut, or vice
}     versa.  You are guaranteed a fight quicker than you can say "pass
}     the muktuk".
}
}     "Eskimo" has come to mean "anyone that is indigenous to a cold
}     climate and isn't European", and, unfortunately, it can be used as
}     somewhat of a slur.
}
}     Can I go back to bed now?
}
} Yes, thank you, Alaska, for that information.  That information was
} provided by XXXXX@ALASKA in case anyone is interested.
}
} You owe XXXXXX@ALASKA one large wool blanket and an Eskimo Pie.


163-07    (43322 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does the future hold for my BBS (bulletin board system) in the
> 1990's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BBS!
} BBS!
} See how it runs!
} See how it runs!
} The first one to call had an IBM,
} He flamed about how the screen was so dim.
} You told the poor dweeb to RTFM,
} On BBS!
}
} BBS!
} BBS!
} See how it runs!
} See how it runs!
} The next one to call had a Mac SE
} He'd bought it on sale at MIT
} He flamed because you couldn't FTP
} from BBS!
}
} BBS!
} BBS!
} See how it runs!
} See how it runs!
} The third one to call had no girlfriend,
} He'd never get sex to the bitter end,
} You told him his manners and clothes to mend!
} on BBS!
}
} BBS!
} BBS!
} See how it runs!
} See how it runs!
} The users call up and all want to chat!
} They have smaller brains than the average gnat!
} They download your files and that is that!
} on BBS.
}
} BBS!
} BBS!
} See how it runs!
} See how it runs!
} You lose lots of money on user fees,
} They niggle and haggle and flame and tease!
} And there's nobody here who knows how to say "please"
} on BBS.
}
} BBS!
} BBS!
} See how it runs!
} See how it runs!
} I dialed it up on the telephone,
} The sysop told me that its screen was blown,
} Have you ever heard such a heartsick groan,
} from BBS?


163-08    (52331 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does the wore "fnord" come from?  I keep seeing it on the net...
> now I've seen it in the literature for a fantasy-role-playing game.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's mostly used by the Illuminati and their imitators.  It's a generxxx
} xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xx xxx x x xx x xxxxxx xxxxxxx, xx xx xx x xxx xxx
} xxxxx xxxxxxxx x xxxxxxxxx:  x xxxxxxxx x xxxxxxxx xxxxx; xxxxx x x xxx
} xxx xx x xxxx x x xxx x xx xxxxxx xx xxx xxxxxx xx xxx x x xxxx xx xxx x
} xxxxxx xx xxxxxx xx xx x xx xxxx xxxxxx:  xxxx x x x x xxx xxxxxx.  xxx
} xxxxxxx x xxx xxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxx, xxxx, x xxx, xxx xxxx,
} xxx x xx xxxxxx xx xxxx xxxx xxxxxx x xx.  xx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxx x x xx
} xxx xx.  xx x xxxxxx x xxxxxxxxx x xxxxx xxx xx x xxxxxxx xxxxxx xx xxxx
} x xxxxxxxx x x xxxxxxx xx xxxx x xx xxxxxxxx xx xxx!  xxxxxxxxx x xx
} xxxxxxxxx x xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx xx x x xxx xx x x xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxx x
} xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx x xxxx xx x xx xx x x x xxxx x x xxx xx xxxxx x x
} xxxxx x xx xxxxxx xxx xx xxxx xxx?


163-09    (24620 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's it like to have sex with a woman?  I'm a virgin and so I don't
> know.  Is it really worth all the trouble and expense, or should I go
> for perpetual virginity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YES!!! I love it question I can finally answer good.  Oh boy!
}
} Ok let's start.
}
} Sex with a woman is like this.  Well it is hard (no pun) to describe, so
} just watch.
}
} ] talk lisa@sexland.net.good
}
}   Connection Established...
}
} ] Lisa this is the Oracle again I need to show a guy what sex is like.
}
} ] Would you help....
}
} ) Ohh O let's do it
}
} ] Lisa (pant,pant)
}
} ) Ohh Ohh Ohh Ohh (Gasp!)
}
} ] (Gasp!)
}
} ) More!
}
}  ... CENSORED ...
}
} ] (Puff,Puff)
}   Connection Closed.
}
}       Well anyway I hope you got the Idea, but to sum up:
}
}       Sex is well worth your weight in blue berries.
}       (That's all any other males knows either!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a report on your first time.


163-10    (02453 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any manuscripts of unknown Bach cantatas hidden away
> somewhere:  lost amongst heaps of paper in a museum or archive, waiting
> to be discovered?  If so, where can I find one of them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hidden in a vault deep in the mountains of Bavaria is the Bach cantata
} "Ein Feiste Berliner ist Meinen Got", (A Mighty Jelly Doughnut Is My
} God).  This is the last cantata Bach ever wrote, and it was written in
} 1821.
}
} "Du bist ein Scheissekopf!" I can hear you exclaiming at the terminal.
} "Bach died in 1750, and he surely would not have written such an
} irreverant cantata even if he were alive seventy-one years later!"
}
} However, Bach did not die in the eighteenth century as many critics have
} claimed.  His stupendous musical genius was such that he began to
} anticipate the musical styles of future times, and so the Musicological
} Illuminati (you do know about the Musicological Illuminati, do you not?)
} was forced to remove him, lest he introduce new musical styles before
} they were ready to criticize them.  They tried to assassinate him
} several times, but he was always able to compose fugues powerful enough
} to defeat their plots.  (You may wonder where all those fugues came
} from, when Bach quite clearly wrote in his diaries "I abhor fugues!
} They are the vilest of all musical forms, and were I not in grave danger
} I would not sully my soul with them!")
}
} The plots failing, they had Telemann compose a potent orchestral suite,
} so boring that it drove Bach to unconsciousness.  The Illuminati removed
} Bach to a secret cave in Bavaria.  They substituted the corpse of a
} baker for Bach's corpse, and most of the musical establishment was
} fooled.
}
} After some days, Bach recovered consciousness.  He was imprisoned in a
} tiny cell, and fed only one pizza and water whilst the Illuminati
} debated amongst themselves as to the proper method of disposing of him.
} But almost immediately, the Illuminati made the mistake of feeding him a
} pizza topped with sweet pickles, shrimp, figs, red-eye gravy,
} cauliflower, Kung Pao shrimps, eggplant, salami, lobster, corned beef,
} Uji, mayonnaise, snails, jelly, five-spice squid, crab salad, vinegar,
} and apples, which (as is well known) is the Pizza of Immortality.  This,
} of course, rendered him invulnerable to all that the Illuminati could
} do, and so they simply held him in captivity.
}
} He tried to devise music which would release him; mighty though he may
} be, still he is no Orpheus, and so he remained imprisoned there.  He has
} been composing from that day to this.  By 1818, he had anticipated the
} styles of Debussy, Stravinsky, Satie, and Strauss, and had composed an
} epic two-year-long opera in a fairly Wagnerian style on based on
} thematic material from "The Wrath of Khan." The previously-mentioned
} cantata is written in somewhat of an absurdist style.  By 1840, he had
} passed through twelve-tone and minimalist phases.  I probably shouldn't
} tell you want he's doing now; it requires instruments for which the
} technology will not be developed for millions of years.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Carl Orff, on CD.


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