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Internet Oracularities #164

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164, 164-01, 164-02, 164-03, 164-04, 164-05, 164-06, 164-07, 164-08, 164-09, 164-10


Usenet Oracularities #164    (12 votes, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 29 May 90 12:49:28 -0500

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164   12 votes 02541 21540 03441 52500 06141 22233 00282 33411 06411 23142
164   3.0 mean  3.3   2.9   3.2   2.0   3.0   3.2   4.0   2.5   2.8   3.1


164-01    (02541 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently I bought on sale a bottle of Swedish "champagne." It was pretty
> awful.  How can Swedes make champagne?  Can vines even grow in that
> climate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upon encountering your question, I was forced to recall a tale that the
} great and omnipotent parentage of the Oracle once related to me many a
} milenia ago:
}
} Once upon a time, in a lovely sunny country inhabited only by luxurious
} and stunningly ravishing blonde women, a young man named Frans happened
} upon a frightening fact, all the women were virgins.  This would have
} not bothered our little adventurer, except for the small fact that he
} was a nymphomaniac.  Besides, it had been a real long time since,..
} well..
}
} Anyways, Frans then and there decided to find a way to coax the young
} maidens into surrendering their priceless gifts of passsion.  Being the
} world traveler that he was, Frans recalled a plant that grew rather
} abundantly in France that when properly harvested and fermented, proved
} to be a rather efective aphrodesiac.  He traveled to this neighboring
} country and returned with as many sprouts, grafts and seed he could
} muster.
}
} To make a long fable less long, Frans encountered many a problem in
} trying to get the buggers to take root.  Determined in his conquest, he
} proceeded to follow the procedure using the roots and seeds instead of
} the lucious fruit.  The result was absolutely repungant, and nearly
} caused our young here to perish from the aroma alone.
}
} Our hero was cast into unfathomable dispair.  His crying was heard by a
} few of the local goddeses, who quickly came to his side.
}
}  "Why do you cry so, little man?" they asked him.
}
}  "I have been trying for years now to get this plant to grow so I can
} make you a delicious drink and toast your beauty."
}
} The maidens, deeply moved by Frans remorse, promptly summoned the entire
} population of Sweden (all female at this point in history).  Upon
} smelling the malicious vapors arrising from the vat where Frans had made
} his last attempt, promptly gang-raped the living shit out of him, and
} sealed the wicked fluid in a small cave in the mountains.
}
} The moral of this story is: Don't set your sights too high.
}                             Vines do NOT grow in Sweden.
}                             Don't ask ignorant questions.
}                   AND       you get what you pay for.
}
} You owe the almighty oracle 10 Swedish virgins.


164-02    (21540 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you an "oracle" or an "oralce?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oracle," unless you make a transposition error in typing.  "Oral C" is
} a brand of toothbrush that never quite made it.  Oral sex is fun because
} it's slightly naughty.  Oral Roberts is a TV evangelist who started a
} university full of creepy students, and attracts a lot of people to
} Tulsa, Oklahoma.  Oral hygeine is important in preventing tooth decay.
} An oral exam is sometimes easier than a written one if you can think
} quickly.  Oral surgery can be quite painful unless they get the
} anesthetics right.  An oral fixation is more fun than an anal fixation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a record of Oral Roberts singing.


164-03    (03441 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better:  Butter or Margarine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I prefer anal sex with Marcie to either one, myself.  Still, if you have
} to choose, consider what you're going to be putting it on.  If you want
} to grease up someone, margarine is a bit better -- get saltless
} margarine -- because it's absorbed more slowly into the skin, and that
} makes it last longer.  Butter is somewhat more effective as a sunscreen.
} Frozen margarine holds its shape longer, and if you're trying to carve a
} pistol out of it to escape from prison, that probably means the
} difference between success and failure.  Butter hides the odors of
} cocaine better -- you soften the butter, mash the cocaine in, and harden
} it up, and it all works beautifully.  Margarine is better for poisoning,
} because it already tastes kind of chemically and people don't usually
} notice an off-taste of whatever you added until too late.  Butter
} produces larger blasts when you mix it with the other stuff for
} car-bombs.  Get the picture?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of Land-O-Lust


164-04    (52500 dist, 2.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um ...  please tell me ...  um ...  why do my sexual fantasies always
> get posted to alt.sex.bondage, despite the fact that (1) there is
> absolutely no bondage in them, (2) they mostly concern me getting
> seduced by an otter, and (3) I have never told them to anyone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A telepath of perverse mind and weird sense of humor is reading them out
} of your tiny little head, and writing them down and then posting them to
} a.s.b.  He chooses a.s.b so as to annoy the bondage freaks, who want to
} know about how to pierce nipples and what kinds of rope hurt most and
} what kinds least, how to modify straitjackets to make sex easier, etc.


164-05    (06141 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Not too long ago I won a weekend cruise with the Net.sex.diety of my
> choice for asking the 10,000th question of you.  I have not yet received
> any further details of this.  How do I claim this prize??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You may claim your prize by calling 1-900-SEX-TALK and asking for
} "a sleeve job."  This code phrase will put you directly in contact
} with the Oracle's prize department.
}    Unfortunately, the various net.goddesses are all booked up until
} the year 2013 with previous winners (the one who asked the 1,000th
} question, the one who asked the 1,010th question, 1,020th, etc.  All
} except the one who asked the 5,040th.  He didn't want a net.goddess on
} his cruise; he asked for a stack of Sears catalogs [the spring
} edition--with the swimsuits] and a one-gross carton of boxes of Kleenex
} to take on his cruise.  The Oracle shudders to think...)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Coke MagiCan with a one-peso prize inside.


164-06    (22233 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Shirley Maclaine has used her esoteric powers to steal
> the body of a sexy young actress, whose self is now trapped in Shirley's
> body?  If so, who has she become?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a sexy young actress.  Not in this lifetime, anyway.
}
} The last time Shirley stole the body of a sexy young actress was
} seventy some years ago, back when she was not Shirley, rather, her
} previous life form Priscilla Boobzwiggle, an expert in the occult, and
} personal friend of Mae West.  Knowing Mae wanted to break into the
} film industry, and knowing Mae's high moral standards would not permit
} her sleeping her way to the top, Prissy, plain as unflavored gelatine,
} yet horny as a crazed weasel in heat, saw a perfect opportunity to
} have a hot body, get famous, make lots of money and lay as many men as
} could fit inside her at once.  A well-cast spell was all it took, and
} Prissy assumed the body of Mae West, and went on to become the eternal
} movie slut of the early twentieth century.  The real Mae West,
} assuming the body of Prissy, went on to become a nun in a local
} convent, got caught screwing an altar boy six years later, and was
} subsequently banished from the Church.
}
} Since Shirley (in this lifetime) has been suffering from a lack of
} publicity lately, she has taken it upon herself to gain popularity by
} stealing the body of a sexy young actor, who's movie career had been
} in some sort of resurgence.  She unwittingly swapped bodies with
} Richard Gere, a tragic mistake, since at precisely that time, he was
} face down in a hospital emergency room while the remnants of a "Stupid
} Pet Trick" were being removed from his rectum.  Needless to say,
} Shirley's career seems to have taken a turn for the worst.
}
} This is not to say the consciousness of Richard Gere has gotten away
} scott-free.  Rumor has it that every time Richard (in the body of
} Shirley) walks into a pet store, all the rodents start barking like
} dogs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Habitrail.


164-07    (00282 dist, 4.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose dingleberries I wouldst pluck with the greatest of care
> and tenderness if only I had my tweezers, lift the veil of ignorance
> from these undeserving eyes:
>    Just what _are_ SP, LP and EP on my VCR?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracles don't get dingleberries -- those are the result of ignorance
} about the state of one's own backside, which the Oracle doesn't have
} (the ignorance, not the backside).
}
} People will tell you that SP = Standard Play (2 hours / tape), LP = Long
} Play (4 hours / tape), EP = Extended Play (6 hours / tape).
}
} Actually, these settings are for playing back pre-recorded porno videos.
} SP is for Straight Porn -- ordinary male-female sex.  LP is for Lesbian
} Porn:  women doing things with women, which not only lesbians but a lot
} of men find very titillating, probably because of all the tits.  EP is
} for Extreme Porn:  wilder homosexual acts, orgies, bestiality.  Playing
} back a video on the wrong setting can result in distortion:  the men in
} an SP video will appear to be women of great size and ugliness if the
} tape is played back on LP, or horses if it is played back on EP.  Some
} perverts use the wrong settings on purpose...


164-08    (33411 dist, 2.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that if you use your left hand it feels like someone else is
> doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly not if you're left-handed.  The Oracle uses both hands at the
} same time, although it is ambisexterous.


164-09    (06411 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dear Oracle:  We recently got a new manager, and while she isn't the
> best in the world she at least does her job and doesn't schedule 9:00 AM
> meetings.  However, over the Memorial Day weekend I rented an old porno
> tape (circa 1983), and was astonished to see her in it.  After doing
> some research at the same store, I found a total of three tapes that she
> was featured in.  Although the name was different, it was undoubtedly
> her.
>    Now I'm confused about how to handle this at work.  Should I send her
> a bouquet and praise her acting abilities?  Should I miss a deadline and
> hope for a tongue-lashing?  Please respond quickly as I am due for
> rotation in less than a month.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On such fine points of Etiquette I defer to Miss Manners.
}
} Set host "etiquette.manners.miss"
}
} "Well, while I am loath to presume, I would assume the woman in question
} has left her previous profession for good reason, and may not want to
} relive her experiences (ahem) with her new employees.  I would suggest
} you be reserved and not do anything overt (such as bringing any video
} equipment or personal lubricant to her meetings.) Instead, you should
} ply her with drinks at the next holiday party or out-of-town meeting and
} see what pops up."
}
} You owe the Oracle a few testosterone injections and a video of you next
} performance review (if you get my drift).


164-10    (23142 dist, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you tell me a little about the sex life of the teenage mutant
> ninja turtles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this is, in fact, one of the more sad and sordid secrets in
} Tinseltown.
}
} The representation of the TMNT you see in cartoons and movies is a
} totally sanitized version of a tawrdy story of incest, homosexuality,
} and child abuse.
}
} You see, the TMNT, abandoned as children, were taken in by the rat they
} now acknowledge as Master.  (Notice how the formualtion of the honorific
} for the rat also implies subservience and hence the potential for
} Sado-Masochistic dynamics in the relationship.) This Master, in
} egregious abuse of his position as mentor and role model, began abusing
} the TMNT at a tender age, twisting their impressionable minds with
} gender-bending activity involving, among other things, fudge and pizza.
}
} The TMNT, in a subconcious attempt to ameliorate their pain and
} confusion, began a narcissitic and homo-erotic relationship among
} themselves, giving new meaning to the term "male bonding".  In a classic
} Freudian displacement of their anger at their parents and their master
} for the abandonment and abuse, they have developed a fixation, bordering
} on obsession, upon fighting evil and other authority figures who they
} believe are betraying forces of "good".  This allows them to moderate
} the anger they feel at their Master without directing it at him:  their
} fear of being abandonemd again (by their Master, in this case)
} overbalances the anger, but they must vent the anger in some manner.
}
} Hollywood, faced with the dilemma of purveying pronographic and
} unflattering images of popular figures or passing up the opportunity to
} exploit children for large sums of money, made the only ethical choice:
} fabricate a completely fraudulent image of the characgters and THEN
} exploit children for large sums of money.  Hence the "sanitized" version
} of the TMNT we see today.
}
} Believe me, the unvarnished truth is much worse than even these shocking
} revelations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Varitey and a large pepperoni pizza.


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