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Internet Oracularities #165

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165, 165-01, 165-02, 165-03, 165-04, 165-05, 165-06, 165-07, 165-08, 165-09, 165-10


Usenet Oracularities #165    (13 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 May 90 18:09:58 -0500

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165   13 votes 30532 03442 15232 12541 53230 25501 04531 06520 30433 22360
165   2.9 mean  3.1   3.4   3.0   3.2   2.2   2.5   3.1   2.7   3.2   3.0


165-01    (30532 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it time yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Almost.  You've got to get ready -- you're on in an hour, dearie.
} Shave, shower, run the Epilady over your legs, put on the form-fitting
} body suit, put on the gaff (don't want a bulge at your crotch), put on
} the bra and panties and nylons, the dress...be more careful with the
} makeup and wig this time -- last time you nearly gave it away.
}
} Yes, dearie, it's a nasty little job, but somebody's got to do it.  The
} real Marilyn just can't keep Danny Quayle under control at public
} functions, and you're the best impersonator we have.  So the real
} Marilyn stays home with the kids, and you manage the Danny.
}
} You're doing this for your country, dearie.  We can't have our VP
} running amok.  Yes, we're still looking for someone to impersonate him
} -- I think we'll have to resort to a lot of plastic surgery.  But
} there's something about the shape of his skull -- a normal brain just
} won't fit in there.  I don't know if we can get anyone to fool them.
}
} Think of your nice pension, dearie.  That's right -- be a love.
}
} Break a leg, Freddy!


165-02    (03442 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for some woman out there to mail me.
> I won't have net access after today, so...
> Will you please reply back to me via U.S. Mail?
>
> Greg LaPorta
> 106 Deckert Drive
> Plantsville, CT 06479
> U.S.A.
>
> I'm waiting!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            +-----------------------------------+
}            | RETURN TO SENDER                  |
}            | Reason:                           |
}            |    _ nonexistant address          |
}            |    x insufficient postage         |
}            |    _ abandoned postal zone        |
}            |    _ monster under porch          |
}            |    _ no particular reason         |
}            |    _ wanton cruelty               |
}            |    _ free-floating hostility      |
}            |    _ sender has doofy name        |
}            |    _ ennui                        |
}            |    _ busy with other mail         |
}            |    _ didn't like Care-Bears stamp |
}            +-----------------------------------+


165-03    (15232 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>       What about me?  Everybody talks about Lisa the slut and Babs
> the supple jock and Lena the undergarments-catalog girl and Cindy the
> horribly cute and all the rest, but nobody ever mentions me.  You don't
> even remember me: Mary Agnes, the net.virginity.goddess.  I sprang
> parthenogenetically from the Greek goddess Diana, but got baptized by
> an early Pope.  Nobody ever mentions me!  I'm as beautiful as that
> walking semen receptacle Lisa, but they all hate me 'cause I won't
> have sex till I get married.  No heavy petting either.  Don't you think
> men would treasure their girlfriends more if they could bring the gift
> of a virgin body to marriage?  No?  Typical modern!  I thought that you,
> Oracle, with all your ancient wisdom, could appreciate the glory and
> hidden allure of a virgin, but you've gotten all up-to-date in order to
> make your clients happy.
>       And you've got to tell them to stop jerking off.  It's physically
> harmless, but it fixes the mind too much on fantasy creatures that no
> real woman could possibly live up to!  And it's too damned self-centered
> and narcissistic, too.  I won't even talk about sin 'cause nobody will
> listen.
>       I've got a lot of followers out there!  All those geeky Catholic
> grad students who are still virgins at 25 or older -- they understand!
> Tell them to hang in there.
>
>       Still kind of mad at you --
>
>               Mary Agnes, the net.virginity.goddess

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, you've got SOME NERVE, telling me, the all-powerful Usenet
} Oracle, what *I* should be telling the questioning masses.  Well, let's
} go through a bit of review, missy, and while you ponder the following,
} remember that it came from someone who's omniscient.
}
} Let's examine the choices available to people.
}
} Scenario #1.
}   A) Have sex.
}   B) Not have sex.
}
} Here the choice is pretty obvious, but it seems that a large segment of
} the human population has come up with an extremely complicated moral
} scheme that makes choice B seem correct.
}
} Scenario #2.
} A) Marry and thus enter into a continuing relationship which is
}    largely based on sexual relations with a person who has had
}    multiple sexual partners and a myriad of experiences, and thus is
}    comfortable with naked intimacy
} B) Marry and thus enter into a continuing relationship which is largely
}    based on sexual relations with a complete sexual neophyte who hasn't
}    really decided whether s/he would ever have or enjoy sex
}
} Again, the right choice seems pretty obvious.
}
} Scenario #3.  Assume a person who is unable to have actual live sex.
} A) Whack off regularly and thus sublimate the sexual desire for a short
}    period of time, relieving the sexual tension
} B) Never whack off and thus allow the tension to fester until it must
}    be sublimated by sports, noctural emissions, self-flagellation, or
}    the making of hundreds of obscene phone calls and peeping into
}    neighboring homes late at night
}
} Hmmm.  Lisa and I had a chuckle over your request that I tell people to
} choose option B.  In fact, just last summer she whispered a few sweet
} nothings into the ear of a 25-year-old virginal Catholic grad student,
} and that night, he hit a stop sign at 20 paces using nothing but his
} right hand.
}
} I hope the regular Oracular readers aren't taken in by your suggestion
} that you're actually a net.virginal.goddess.  There is in fact no such
} thing.  There's no NEED.  All the net.goddesses can restore their
} virginity when deemed necessary.  Just last summer Lisa restored her
} virginity for a five-minute period in order to seduce a 25-year-old
} Catholic grad student.  Wily Oracular readers may note that they ALL
} have the ability to temporarily restore or rescind their virginity for
} their own purposes.
}
} Heh.  Hidden allure of a virgin.  Yeh, right.
}
} As punishment for elevating yourself to the rank of goddess, you owe the
} Oracle the orgasmic fluids of 1000 25-year-old virgins.


165-04    (12541 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My woman done gone and left me.
> I can't go on with life.
> How in the world can this be,
> With all the political strife?
>
> I got the blues so bad.
> I got the blues so bad.
> I got the blues so bad.
> I just wanna go puke.
>
> My physics prof gonna fail me.
> I just ain't makin'the grade.
> I'd have me a flush of diamonds,
> If it weren't for this damn spade.
>
> I got the blues so bad.
> I got the blues so bad.
> I got the blues so bad.
> I just wanna go barf.
>
> My watch always has the wrong time.
> My thumbnail is falling out.
> I ordered a pie of key lime,
> But they brought a plate of trout.
>
> I got the blues so bad.
> I got the blues so bad.
> I got the blues so bad.
> I just wanna blow chow.
>
> Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get some emetics -- it'll make the vomiting easier.  And try to vomit on
} the people who have helped make your life as miserable as it is.  Start
} with the woman formerly yours, and her new boyfriend.  Puke all over
} them.  Puke all over your Physics prof -- what can he do?  If he's
} really going to fail you, what difference will a bit of vomitus make?
} If you get in trouble with the school, claim to have psychological
} troubles and go for lots of counseling crap.
}
} Time is an illusion.  Thumbnails heal.  Trout is good for you --
} develops the brain.  So puke on a few people who're making your life
} miserable, and you'll get all those blues out of your system.
}
} Maybe the counseling people will take you to a psychiatrist who will
} prescribe Prozac, the wonder anti-depressant for the 1990s!  Great
} stuff, with hardly any side-effects!


165-05    (53230 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> INZ005-007-292100-
> INDIANA ZONES 5 7
> 1030 AM EST TUE MAY 29 1990
>
> .THIS AFTERNOON...MOSTLY SUNNY...COOL AND BECOMING BREEZY. HIGH 70 TO
> 75. NORTH WIND INCREASING TO 10 TO 20 MPH.
> .TONIGHT...CLEAR AND VERY COOL. LOW IN THE MIDDLE 40S. LIGHT WIND.
> .WEDNESDAY...SUNNY AND COOL. HIGH IN THE LOWER 70S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indiana Zones and the Weather of Doom.  I like it.
}
} Since no question was specified either explicitly or implicitly
} I have no response about the sexual conotations of your message.


165-06    (25501 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Major Oracle Guy, whose ______ is like ________, etc., etc...
>  I am graduatating this quarter with a degree in computer science.  My
> brain feels like it has been left in a car, in the sun with the windows
> rolled up.  Are recreational pharmiceuticals the only answer or is my
> destiny to write COBAL code for a feminine deodorant spray company for
> the rest of my existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, CS'll do that to you.  Why not go on to graduate school?  Then you
} can become a professor (first frying your brain totally) and avoid
} writing COBOL (or indeed any other computer language) indefinitely.
}
} Be sure to choose a graduate school in a totally dull place -- fewer
} distractions.  How about Illinois/Urbana or Purdue?  Pretty good schools
} and fucking awful places to live -- smelly small towns with no women in
} them, no nearby natural beauty (well, there's a little near Purdue),
} beanfields all around.  Ugh.
}
} Avoid rec.  drugs, except for alcohol, caffeine, and speed (used by the
} great mathematician Pal Erdos).  Real nerds don't use any other drugs.


165-07    (04531 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come the new edition of the Oxford English Dictionary doesn't have
> the word "microcode" in it?  I want my money back!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you have attempted to look up "microcode" in a PAPER based
} dictionary.  It is common knowledge that all forms of written
} communication are archaic and useless.  Likewise, any person utilizing
} any form of written communication, including newsprint, textbooks (ever
} heard of man pages ?), envelopes, and 1040's are also subject to this
} classification.
}
} Perhaps the almighty oracle was too gracious in assuming your acceptance
} of these facts since you obviously have internet access of some sort.
} Online Dictionaries do have "microcode" listed and properly defined.
} Along with other terms such as RISC and BIOS, since some poor undergrad
} bastard was the one who was forced to type in the sonfabitch.
}
} The almighty and omnipotent oracle, who coincidently has NEVER lowered
} itself to even touching a book, shows no mercy upon your insignificant
} existenece and refers you "look that up in your Funk&Wagnalls".  Next
} time, consult an ON-LINE dictionary, where you will find an entry as
} such:
}
} paper (pa~ pur) noun - an archaic an useless form of communication
}               relied upon by morons, dolts and other simplex species
}               who lack the general intelligence or dexterity to
}               operate electronic communication systems i.e. keyboards,
}               terminals, computers.  Also, a dried and pressed
}               form of horsedung used to convey official state, federal
}               and local government communications and beaurocratic
}               nonsense for the annoyance and consternation of higher
}               life forms refered to as "computer literates".
}               -see also/ print, taxes, english-majors.
}
} You owe the great Oracle 47 pictures of nude women, in TIFF, GIFF, of
} SunRast format.  Oh, you must also immeadiately dispose of all printed
} material you can find, (no burning allowed, remember the enviorment) and
} seduce 5 freshman lit majors into a satanic cult of your choice.


165-08    (06520 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Universal Truth of the universe?  I have been to
> mountaintops in Tibet, seen gurus in Nepal, and taken dangerous amounts
> of hallucinogens in persuit of the elusive Truth.  I am even considering
> going to the library and checking out a book!  Can you help me and save
> me from actually reading?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, there is only one way to find out the genuine Truth of the
} Universe.  You've taken the first step, by writing the Oracle and asking
} for help.  The most important thing about this step is that you've
} realized that you can't do it alone, that no amount of hallucinogens or
} interviews with gurus is going to do it for you.  This is the first step
} on the road to recovery...
}
} Now you have to sign up with Truth-Seekers Annonymous, a twelve-step
} group that supports victims of truth-seeking and helps them get back
} into main- stream society with enough ontological backing that they
} won't go running off into the Swami Riverami ashram or join the Moonies
} or some other shortcut solution to enlightenment.  TSA members work on
} the buddy system, and if you feel that urge to meditate for seventeen
} hours or to visualize world peace, just call up your "buddy" who'll try
} to talk you out of it.  Now that you've realized you're a truthaholic,
} take the next step.  Join Truth-Seekers Annonymous and find your real
} place in the universe again.
}
} For more information about TSA, post a message on alt.recovery.  The
} Usenet Oracle, apart from a 5% cut of the membership fees, has no
} connection with Truth-Seekers Annonymous.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5% of your membership fee and the rest of your supply
} of hallucinogens.


165-09    (30433 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, What's the last digit of Pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hardy har har.  It is to laugh.  Chuckle chuckle chuckle.  Look, pi is a
} transcen-fucking-dental number, capeche?  There isn't any goddam last
} digit of pi.  The Oracle's not some stupid ass computer like that one on
} Star Trek (the old series, with Bill the Overactor Shatner as James T.
} Bloody Kirk), which when possessed by an evil thingy, could be tricked
} into trying to calculate pi.  Hell no!  The Oracle is too smart for
} that.
}
} Thought you had It stumped, hein?  Try something hard, like the words to
} the basso aria in J.  S.  Bach's cantata 90 (So loeschet im eifer der
} raechende Richter / Dem Leuchter des Wortes zur Strafe doch aus.  / Ihr
} muesset, O Suender, durch euer Verschulden / Dem Greuel an heiliger
} Staetten erdulden/ Ihr machet aus Tempel ein moerderisch Haus -- in cas
} you decide to get all smart-ass and ask that question).


165-10    (22360 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What Old Roses are usually grown on their own roots?  I know that
> species roses usually are, as are the tougher Rugosae, but what about
> Gallica and Bourbon and Damask and Moss roses?  Are they usually
> grafted?  In this climate roses sometimes die back to the roots after a
> particularly bad winter, so that kills the grafts and causes _Rosa
> centifolia_ or whatever shoots to sucker from the rootstock.
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is a Rose by any other name?  You seek to confuse the Oracle by
} using so called species names created by the so called botanists, but
} the Oracle is beyond trickery.  The true question should have been the
} differentiation of the alienated Rose and species Rose.
}     As all immortals know, Gallica, Bourbon, Damask, Moss, all these are
} merely the physical manifestation of the philosophically true Rose.  It
} is a projection of the actively contemplating mind of the Supreme Rose
} -- the Rosegeist -- which is the collective consciousness of the Old
} Roses alienated by the diametric duality of its spirit.  Its roots are
} roots only in a metaphysical sense, as the physical nutrients of the
} soil are directly tied to the conscious and unconscious recognition of
} the rosegeist collecting, analyzing and subjugating the foreign elements
} of the world into its own subjective existence -- removed from the plane
} of sensual unity.  Therefore, as an alienated entity deprived of
} interaction and communication with the unified elementality of the
} sensual universe, the rosegeist disperses while unifying the spiritual
} rose into the species rose whose unity with the spiritual is possible
} only in the duality of subjective roots and objective grafts.
}    So.  There it is.  Is that clear?


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