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Internet Oracularities #166

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166, 166-01, 166-02, 166-03, 166-04, 166-05, 166-06, 166-07, 166-08, 166-09, 166-10


Usenet Oracularities #166    (11 votes, 2.5 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 2 Jun 90 21:40:23 -0500

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166   11 votes 15230 34220 31430 33410 14222 34310 33221 23321 34103 41321
166   2.5 mean  2.6   2.3   2.6   2.3   3.0   2.2   2.5   2.7   2.6   2.5


166-01    (15230 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh, oracle whose arse I am too lowly and unworthy to lick.
> Enough with the pleasentries, I've got a serious problem here.
>         I was looking through my disks on my Amiga and found the
> following on a disk I thought had my Deluxe Paint II backup on:
>         Lisa.JAN
>         Lisa.FEB
>         Lisa.MAR
>         Lisa.APR
>
>         Well, I then remembered an oracle question a while ago where
> someone else had the exact same problem on his machine.  But there are
> some problems Oracle:  1) My Amiga is *NOT* on the InterNet and 2) I
> only have a 1200 bps modem.  When I added up thge file sizes I got 5
> terrabytes on an 880K Disk!?!?  Anyways, I decided to look into one file
> so I more'd it.
>         Oracle, I read the first sentence and I nearly flipped out of my
> mind with lust, but it wore off after five minutes.  Then I read the
> first paragraph:  I went nuts!  I started masturbating violently but no
> orgasm I could achieve was strong enough.  I nearly had sex with my next
> door neighbour's cats!  Anyways, I then read the whole of Lisa.JAN.
> Well, to put it mildly, I CAN'T STOP MASTURBATING!!!  I am masturbating
> right now as I write this desperate cry for help.  I started having sex
> with things that weren't nailed down.  And then those things that were
> nailed down and then some.  I have tried every kind of sex there is!
> And I am inventing more!  I have been having a sexual rampage all around
> Vancouver and I just can't stop myself.  That excerpt for Lisa's diary
> is just too much for a mortal mind!  Help me!  I am going to killmyself
> soon unless my dick wears out first.
>         I even had my eunuch friend (he had an "accident" with a meat
> grinder) read it.  Now this guy hasn't had a sexual urge in five years
> and now he is banging on my front door wanting to have sex with me!  I
> am right now taking those sexual urge repression pills in the hundreds
> per day and I still can't stop!  Help me, Help me!  Help me!
>
>                         signed,
>                                 Oversexed in Vancouver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, that Lisa makes Anais Nin look like a cloistered nun, eh?  Well,
} you brought this on yourself.  The Oracle doesn't condemn you for your
} innocence and curiosity, but you do realize that you've been very
} foolish.  Few people can stand reading much of that sort of stuff.
}
} Actually, there isn't much you can do.  You will now find yourself open
} to demonic possession because your mind is so completely distracted by
} sex.  Seek out a good exorcist just in case -- you won't want to lose
} control of your body to a demon.  Apart from that, you're like that guy
} in the _film noir_ flick "D. O. A." who is doomed to die because he
} has been poisoned with something that has no antidote, and spends his
} last hours tracking down his own killer.  In short, prepare for death.
} I don't think that you should read any more of that diary -- it will
} only make your end worse (but then again, hastier:  you might prefer
} that).
}
} Do delete those files, there's a good fellow.  I suppose that you could
} show them to a few selected enemies...


166-02    (34220 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh honored Oracle, whose wisdom spans the galaxies of the net,
> Whose shimmering light of truth and honesty becons all to look on,
> Whose unending wisdom provides guidance and counsel to us all...
>
> Please sing me a song about Lisa, batteries, frozen bananas and
> lubricants.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tune: "Time stands still," John Dowland, 1605:
}
} (lute intro)
}
} Lisa never need buy batteries
} Her vibrators stand ever still and always at their ease.
} No other woman's had as much good sex as she
} Since Cleopatra cruised the Nile, and Romans made orgy.
} Frozen bananas do not defile her ever-busy crotch,
} And voyeurs grovel at her feet to be allow'd to watch.
} [repeat last 2 lines]
}
} When Lisa doth sexual congress make,
} All that is present must be real -- she will not stand for fake.
} She never will abide the use of K-Y jelly
} Or kinky things like Vick's Vapo-rub, which is so very smelly.
} Her lubrication doth arise from her own natural springs
} She doth despise all lubricants as most inferior things.
}
}
} [There now, I won't be able to hear that tune without this shithead
} doggerel going through my head.  You have made me ruin one of my
} favorite Elizabethan songs for the sake of your stupid gratification.
} I hope that you're satisfied.]


166-03    (31430 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told my girlfriend that I wanted to "eat her pussy," so she killed her
> cat over the kitchen sink with a butcher knife, skinned it, and made its
> meat into a delicious curry.  Does this mean she really loves me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means she's prepared to sacrifice her cat in a desperate
} attempt to avoid having you lick her willy, and I don't blame her.


166-04    (33410 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked a girl to give me head, and she pulled her head off!  There's
> a huge bloody mess all over, and a decapitated corpse in my apartment.
> Any suggestions, wise Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if a girl is willing to pull her own head off rather than
} lick your willy, take the hint and lay off her!
}
} Try using Milton Fluid on the bloodstains.


166-05    (14222 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I saw that You told Barbara I only wanted to have kinky
> sex with her.  It's just not true.  If I wanted sex with a supple
> girl, I would of course try Lisa instead.  As I've heard, she too can
> do quite amazing things with her not-exactly-stiff body.
>
> But with Barbara, all I want is to be her friend, and admire her
> wonderful suppleness for its own sake.  She is the best.
>
> Please, O mighty and all-knowing Oracle, please tell her that from me!
>
> Sice I'm supposed to ask You a question, here it is;
>
> If I want to send Barbara a little present on her birthday (whenever
> that may be), what would You recommend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Bill, (let's skip anonymity for once)
}
} Firstly, to answer your question:  The net.goddesses don't celebrate
} their birthdays, since they are immortal and timeless.  Giving Barbara a
} birthday present would be a bad idea - she'd probably take it as an
} insult.
}
} Secondly, regarding your complaint:  You say that you don't want to have
} sex with Barbara, and indeed you yourself sincerely believe that you
} only want to be friends.  However, being the Oracle, I can see into the
} very depths of your soul, to the recesses that are hidden even from
} yourself (not a pretty sight!) and see that your hidden wish really is
} to have kinky sex with her.  That's why I told her so - I couldn't
} really lie to my darling Babs, could I?  After all, its not my fault
} that you're so hung up about sex...
}
} What - you don't believe me?  But I'm the Oracle, and the Oracle never
} lies!  You still want proofs?  OK, let's do the old trick and log in on
} your brain...
}
} ^Z
} iuvax % telnet bills-brain.human.net
}
} Connected to bills-brain.human.net
}
} Welcome to Bill's Brain - BrainVAX 3200 running HumanVMS
}
} [So this guy's brain actually runs VMS! No wonder he's neurotic!]
}
} Username: SYSTEM
} Password: [I know all passwords!]
}
} Last interactive login on Thursday, MAY-30-1979
}
} $ set def sys$sysdevice:[subconscious]
} $ type secret_desires.dat
}
} Eating an entire box of Maryland cookies.
} Sleeping through prof. Johnson's boring lectures.
} Telling prof. Johnson he's boring.
}
} [ Nothing interesting so far - let's skip the intervening lines ]
}
} Watching Barbara taking a shower.
} [ Sounds more interesting... ]
} Stealing Barbara's bra.
} [ Sorry, Bill, she doesn't wear one. She thinks it constricts her
} suppleness. It wouldn't be much of much use anyway, her size is 32A.]
} Watching Barbara and Lisa mud-wrestling in the nude.
} Having wild sex with Barbara, in the mud.
} [ See? ]
} Having wild sex with Barbara and Floozie, in the mud.
} [ Considering that Floozie is your french poodle, this sounds rather
} kinky, doesn't it? ]
} ^Y
} *Interrupt*
}
} [ Hope you believe me now! By the way, I'm in a good mood today, I think
} I'll help you get rid of some of your inhibitions... ]
}
} $ delete/log in*.*;*
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.SEX;78 deleted
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.SOCIAL;7 deleted
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.VIOLENCE;15 delet
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INTELLIGENCE.DAT;8 deleted
}
} [ Shit! I didn't mean to do that! Better log out quickly... ]
}
} $ log
} Connection closed
} iuvax % fg
}
} Look, you may feel a bit strange the next few days - I think you should
} take it easy until your sysop has found the backup tapes...


166-06    (34310 dist, 2.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Un-stumpable and brilliant Oracle, gem of our sorry world,
>
> Someone circumcised me last night!  I was blind drunk, they must have
> used a local anesthetic (hurts like hell now), and they seem to have
> done a good job.  But why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You DID say "I must convert to Judaism", didn't you?
}
} OH! That was "I'll not pervert with Rudy's jism".
}
} Next time, use a clearer telecom line when you call me.
}
} Mazel tov!
}
} You owe the Oracle some matzoh and two stone tablets.


166-07    (33221 dist, 2.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do a nerve block on the appropriate spinal nerve.  Be sure to prepare
} the area of the incision by scrubbing it with Betadiene or something
} similar.  Now make the incision in the scrotal sac, and -- oh, sorry.
} I've gotten you mixed up with the guy who wanted to know how to castrate
} himself.


166-08    (23321 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose intelligence barely qualifies as human, whose morals
> are used for comparison by perverts to make them feel superior, whose
> naughtiness exceeds that of Richard Nixon, whose advice is one of the
> worst examples of wisdom in this universe,
>
> What do you have against Oral Roberts and his university?  In a recent
> article you posted
>
> >                         Oral Roberts is a TV evangelist who started a
> > university full of creepy students, and attracts a lot of people to
> > Tulsa, Oklahoma.
>
> As an alumnus of that fine institution, I can personally attest to the
> fact that there are no "creepy students" attending.  Sure, all the
> students look nice (as compared to your normal university campus) and
> dress well (shirts and ties for men, dresses for women), but this is
> no basis for judging people who go there as "creepy".  How about it,
> Oracle?  Why don't you let the people on the net see your picture and
> see if, to the population of the rest of the net, you appear "creepy."?
>
> > You owe the Oracle a record of Oral Roberts singing.
>
> Trust me, you don't want to hear him singing.  Take it from
> someone who has heard him singing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oral Roberts is a scandalous bunko-meister who forces impressionable
} youngsters into a repressive, guilt-based, anti-human lifestyle that
} requires them to believe that perfectly normal aspects of their
} humanity (such as their sexuality or the desire to question authority
} and "God-given" teachings) are evil or morally wrong.  This "Born-
} Again Christianity" covers the fruadulent fundraising that allows him
} to drive more fancy cars and run more hospitals into the ground through
} the egregious financial mismanagement his enterprise thrives on while
} making laughable con-artist appeals for more money lest "God call him
} home".
}
} My picture?  See below.
}
}         |\/\/\/|
}         |      |
}         |      |
}         | (o)(o)
}         C      _)
}          | ,___|
}          |   /
}          /____\
}         /      \
}
} You owe the Oracle a brick from the City of Faith Hospital and a cow.


166-09    (34103 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Does Lisa "go down"??
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Lisa crashed about three days ago, due to ... I guess you could call
> } it a power failure.  She hadn't eaten very much in the last week or
> } so, being preoccupied with other matters, and she was doing something
> } extremely vigorous, and she kind of fainted.  The guy fell on top of
> } her and twisted her ankle, too, but the girls managed to catch them-
> } selves.  Pretty alarming, actually.  I told them to feed her large
> } amounts of chocolate quickly, and it seems to have worked.
> }
> } I don't think she goes down for routine preventive maintenance,
> } though.  We've been bugging her about doing it for years.
> }
> } You owe the Oracle a message which doesn't pretend that humans are
> } just like computers, nerdhead.
>
> ========================================================================
>
> I really resent being called a nerdhead, especially considering _you_
> Sir Oracle are the "computer geek" who does not know any other meaning
> for the term "go down" other than a system crash.
>
> _You_ owe _me_ and apology pal!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember, O questioner, that historically Oracles have been fond of
} reading whatever meaning into a question they damned well please.  You
} should have phrased your question so that only one meaning was possible.
}
} Being an Oracle gets dull.  Insulting people mildly with words like
} "nerdhead" is simply a way of letting off steam.
}
} Apology:
} The Oracle is sorry.  Very sorry.  Terribly, extremely, horribly,
} utterly, excrementally sorry.  You cannot conceive, no offense meant
} because actually you are quite intelligent and sufficiently imaginative,
} just how very very very very VERY sorry the Oracle is.  The Oracle
} crushes Its left eyeball (it will regenerate eventually, but it hurts
} like hell -- ouch!  -- and now the Oracle will be blind in one eye for a
} few months) for shame.  The Oracle cuts off Its genitals (they will
} regenerate, too) and installs an artificial vagina and silicone tits.
} The Oracle lets itself be raped by a mandrill.  What more can the Oracle
} do to show how very sorry It is?  The Oracle plucks out all its hairs
} one by one with tweezers.  That really hurt, let It tell you.  What do
} you want, blood?  The Oracle slices into its left wrist with a single
} edged razor blade and bleeds all over Its keyboard, copiously.  There,
} that's at least a pint.
}
} Any other forms of self-degradation the Oracle can engage in?  Do tell
} It what tickles your fancy, puts the steel into your rod, etc.
}
} Abjectly groveling before You, mighty and glorious Questioner, your
} humble and abject slave, the oracle.


166-10    (41321 dist, 2.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What breed of cat is most flavorful?  Are those big rabbity hind
> legs of a Manx cat particularly juicy and flavorful when roasted?
> Do castrated cats taste better (the way that castrated bulls do)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All pussy tastes good.  Trust me.


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