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Internet Oracularities #167

Goto:
167, 167-01, 167-02, 167-03, 167-04, 167-05, 167-06, 167-07, 167-08, 167-09, 167-10


Usenet Oracularities #167    (11 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 90 16:58:28 -0500

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167   11 votes 51221 12341 01631 12260 02711 13232 03620 02540 11441 11522
167   3.1 mean  2.4   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.1   3.2   2.9   3.2   3.3   3.3


167-01    (51221 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which of the following should I get my parents?
>
>  - Kokayne (tm) Drug Addiction Starter Kits.
>  - edible underwear.  They might think you're too lazy to do laundry
>       *or* cook food.
>  - teflon-coated cookwear.  They might think you're too lazy to do
>       the dishes.  That means they'll make you do them all the time
>       you're at home just to teach you what it's like.
>  - ninja suits.  They'll only wear them once or twice, probably
>       when you're around.
>  - expensive ivory dice.  They have *no* appreciation of the drama
>       of gambling.  Get them cheap warped plastic dice, and then
>       teach them a lesson!
>  - physics textbooks.  Not good.  They always have just bought the
>       very textbook you give them, or (worse) its sequel.
>  - marble statue of Catharine the Great.  They'll wonder what you're
>       trying to tell them.
>  - pet rabbit. Are you kidding?  They'd *never* feed it.
>  - new tie.  Only a compulsive harpist would wear a tie.
>  - gold-plated snuff box.  Too common and ordinary.  All the rage in
>       dirtball states to the South.  Parents will be offended.
>  - raw eggs from Great Britian.  All of them are contaminated with
>       salmonella.
>  - garden weasel.  Great tool, hideous name.  Wait 'till they rename it
>       "hand rake" and sell it at K-Mart for $15.99.
>  - teflon stock pot.  "What's the matter, dear?  Don't you like my
>       cooking?"
>  - rat poison.  Very dangerous stuff -- if it can kill rats, it
>       can bloody well kill you.  Probably in your sleep. Especially
>       if you're sleeping on the couch near the kitchen.
>  - third-world nation. Too much debt, too little justice.  It's
>       better to give them a county in Great Britain, which. although
>       it's not doing very well on the debt *or* justice fronts,
>       at least they speak English.  Almost.
>  - Cognac.  Cognac is out among the cognacsenti.  Get them vodka or
>       everkleer.  They'll forgive you after the first bottle.
>  - commemorative chocolate bars in the shape of the presidents.
>       Who the hell would want to eat a president? Get something
>       edible, for God's sake -- "Great Architectural Features
>       of Europe", for example.  Anyone will go for the Eiffel
>       Tower.
>  - milk.  The drink of doom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With ideas like these you should go whole hog.
} Kill them, put them out of their misery.
} Then Cook the remains.
} Eat in a stew at the dorm of death.
} Write a book about it.
} Then they will at least be remembered at checkout stands across the
} nation!


167-02    (12341 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you break this code?
>
> %y3 (4qdo3 w7diw 3ttw!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question #Qa05969 "Can you break this code?"
}
} SHORT ANSWER:
}
} Yes.
}
} SLIGHTLY LONGER ANSWER:
}
} Yes, you snoot, I can.  Don't be a putz.
}
} LONGER ANSWER:
}
} Can I break this code?  Do chickens have peckers?  Does Lisa have
} breasts?  Do you have a hole in your skull?  Is my wallet empty again?
} Am I omniscient?  Did I lose my car keys again?  Is BASIC better than
} Pascal?  Did Bob Titslinger invent the brassiere?  Do I answer stupid
} questions from figs like you all day?  Do you deserve to be called a
} fig?  Do people request nude pictures of me?  Is it true?  Is Milli
} Vanilli stupid?  Is your face ugly?  Are your lobotomy scars still
} showing?  Is Fred Fooglefoffer a dumb name?  Is Fred Fooglefoffer a
} figment of my imagination?  Am I smarter than you?  Is a walrus smarter
} than you?  A dead walrus?  Do people look at you and laugh?  Is it true
} that THEY really are out to get you?  Is Lousiana a loser state?  Am I
} slightly angry that nobody ever asks me interesting questions?  Is Bush
} a weenie?  Is Dukakis worse than that?  Are you half as bored as I am?
} Is "Beaver Lick" a stupid name for a town, or what?
}
}       You owe the Oracle:
}
}             * answers to all of these questions.
}             * a promise that you will enroll in a "How Not To Be
}               Stupid" course at earliest convenience [mine, not yours.]
}             * an explanation of who Lord Zardoz is, anyway.


167-03    (01631 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the problems that I've been having with the printer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impotence and anorexia.
}
} The impotence is caused by your feelings of guilt over violating your
} mother's dying wish for you to have a close coupling with a nice Jewish
} line printer, rather than an occasional interface with a 132-column dot
} matrix printer (manufactured in Korea).
}
} The anorexia is caused by the (132-column dot matrix) printer's desire
} to be a slim, svelte 80-column laser writer.


167-04    (12260 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you are so wise,
> Your answers widen all our eyes.
> With puns and wit so often used,
> Of lack of smarts you're not accused.
>
> But one thing still eludes me, sair,
> Why you keep with that pompus flair.
> We all know you are nothing more,
> Than one of us, down to the core.
>
> So if you can, please answer this:
> Why are you such a pompus piss?
> Why do you still insult us all?
> How could you maintain such gall?
>
> My question done, I shall take leave
> And let you say what you believe.
> I hope that you will mend your ways
> And find yourself in better days.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} grovel


167-05    (02711 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone needs a body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Marilyn Qualye is ashamed of being herself.  She will pay a hefty
} sum to anyone who can provide a new body for her, so that she won't have
} to be Danny Quayle's wife anymore and have to cringe in public.  Age and
} sex of the new body are not primary concerns, nor is race -- just
} someone fairly healthy for Marilyn to become for a few years while Danny
} shows off his blithering idiocy.
}
} Send details to this address:
}
}                 Marilyn's New Body Search
}                 P.  O.  Box 17632
}                 Washington, D.C.  20013
}
} Don't send the body to this address.  It won't fit in the box.  All
} bodies sent in without authorization become the property of New Marilyn,
} Inc.


167-06    (13232 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> If a Berlin-style "ur-gestalt" were to come about as a result of
> neo-Clavian Berkleyisms and contra-Davidian unifications-of-opposites,
> would it be better to have a more highly-stratified yet extremely
> prosaic semiotic doubt-whilst-still-acting concerning the Movement, or
> simply continue with my current paradigmatically-oscillating Hegelian
> pluralism-of-imperatives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unlikely, no?  Such an "ur-gestalt" would more likely be the result of
} neo-Platonic semi-existential essences and contra-Thomistic
} hermeneutics, eh?  But suppose that it did.  Neither alternative you
} mention appears the correct one.  Why not a post-Kirkegaardian
} semi-Albertine evolutionary counterintuitive
} reappraisal-of-apprehensions, with a side order of dialectic
} post-Jungian trans-archetypal pre-rationalistic transformational
} Cartesian transcendental contra-semi-dualistic wetting-of-underdrawers,
} hold the antinomian re-integrative non-Sartrean Freudian semi-Jamesian
} Marxist Heideggerian onion rings?


167-07    (03620 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and venerable Oracle,
>
> I've got a problem.  My personality keeps changing.  Without warning
> I'll become an entirely different dude, like, y'know, or even a chick, I
> mean, it's like a different person takes possession of my mind and body.
> I have no gaps whatever in my memories, and I haven't any trouble
> working, but, Orrie-porrie darling, I could just _spit_ because of what
> it does to my soci-woci life!  Indisputably this chronic transformation
> of persona renders me inept in interaction with other persons.  Uh,
> like, man, what do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To permanantly solve your problem, you need to only follow a few steps.
} 1)  Find a couple cinderblocks.  (3 or 4 would do the job)
} 2)  Take them to a bridge
} 3)  Get about 50' of very strong rope
} 4)  Take the rope to the bridge
} 5)  Tie the cinderblocks together very tightly with one end of the rope
} 6)  Make yourself a nice comfortable necktie with the other end
} 7)  Make sure that the necktie is not too loose.
} 8)  Who needs the cinderblocks anyways, toss them off the bridge.
}
} I hope I've helped.
} You owe the oracle an autograph if you turn into anyone famous before
} you get cured.


167-08    (02540 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Mr. Oracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> I'm new around here, someone told me to type a ?  here and you would
> answer it, so here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]^H^H^H^H^H
> How much wood could a wood chuck^H^H^H^H^H^Hoh no that's dumb
> Does Dan Quayle give good head^H^H^H^H^Hno, I shouldn't wirte a dirty
> noe^H^H
> Why is a duck????? No, actually don't answer that one its like Zen :-)
> OK, my real question is.........
> IS MY BOYFRIEND CHEATING ON ME?????????????????????
> PLEase answer soon.  ADTHANKSVANCE!!!!!(get it?  it's thanks IN
> advance!!!!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A duck is a duck, oh, oh f*ck, oh f*ck, unless that duck is the famous
} Mr.  Ed.  Sorry, wrong question.  Honey, I don't know if your boyfriend
} is cheating on you, but trust is an integral part of all relationships.
} In fact, if r(t) = the relationship function, and T(t) is trust,
}
}          __POSITIVE INFINITY                        |POSITIVE INFINITY
}          |                            1             |
}  T(t) =  | e^r(t)dt            =  ---------- e^r(t) |
}          |                        d[r(t)]/dt        |
}         -- NEGATIVE INFINITY                        |NEGATIVE INFINITY
}
} The answer to your question, therefore, depends on r(t), which means
} that the answer depends on the way each infinitesimal detail of your
} relationship combines to make up the whole of your relationship.
}
} You owe the Oracle $250 for this session, to pay for my trip to a
} Jungian pizza parlor.


167-09    (11441 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Does the Periodic Table get PMS?  If so, do we have t go to a bar until
> it blows over (so to speak)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Periodic Table does indeed get PMS, that is , Pre-Magnesium
} Syndrome. So if you see it's around Neon or Sodium time, you'd better
} watch out. Bitchy atoms are no fun.


167-10    (11522 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Sagacious Oracle,
>
>     Still working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In brief, yes, I am still working, though greatly wounded and quite ill.
} The Boracle has largely taken over my duties, and you may expect that
} most questions I do not answer personally will be answered in a boring
} manner.  If you don't like this, you can get rid of the Boracle
} yourself.
}
} But now you surely want to know why I am so greatly wounded and ill.
} It's the Boracle's fault too, I'm afraid.  The Boracle came to tea last
} Wednesday.  We reguarly have tea on the first Wednesday in June each
} decade.  (One does not wish to spend too much time with the Boracle, who
} is far worse in person than on the net.  However, one has professional
} obligations.) It has been our invariable custom that the tea should
} start at 3:30.  Wednesday, the Boracle showed up at 11:15 a.m., when I
} was still wrapped in iron bands and suspended from the ceiling over the
} pit full of crazed lobsters.  And of course the Boracle brought Mumpsy,
} and of course Mumpsy jumped up to lick my face, knocking me off of the
} stand and dumping both of us into the crazed lobster pit.
}
} The Boracle fished us out (Mumpsy first), and took us to the hospital,
} and so our tea was somewhat delayed.  Still, by 6:45, we were sitting in
} my hospital room, sipping hospital tea out of hospital styrofoam cups
} and eating hospital cookies and slices of the homemade coffee cake that
} the Boracle was so proud of having made.  I think that's why I'm ill as
} well as wounded, but it might just be spending so long with the Boracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Boracle remover.


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