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18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 2:29:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #168

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168, 168-01, 168-02, 168-03, 168-04, 168-05, 168-06, 168-07, 168-08, 168-09, 168-10


Usenet Oracularities #168    (9 votes, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Jun 90 11:48:07 -0500

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168    9 votes 33201 13041 05220 13212 14211 41211 12321 32220 33120 15021
168   2.6 mean  2.2   3.1   2.7   3.0   2.7   2.3   3.0   2.3   2.2   2.7


168-01    (33201 dist, 2.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> Alt.sex.congressmen.in.drag.fucking.goats was deleted today.  It is my
> favorite newsgroup.  Why did they kill it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a spelling error,  it should have been
}
}    alt.sex.wimps.in.hell.all.psu.grads.will.have.their.resumes.
} forwarded.to.the.nearest.fried.chicken.cheepo.sleeze.bag.bag.bag.bork.
} bork.when.will.this.ever.end.only.at.the.file.system.limit.on.that.
} cheepo.rat.nest.sun.workstation.that.is.not.really.worth.the.blahhhhhhhh


168-02    (13041 dist, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is it true
> could it possibly be true
> can it be
> is it at all concievable
> that women are more attracted to men who are presently dating another
>   woman
> please tell me i am at a loss (or actually a bonus)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This woman named Laurie could not get it off.
} At men who pursued her she'd laugh and she'd scoff.
} Till Andrew, whose lust after Laurie's tight buns
} Had him doing cold showers and difficult sums
} Paraded before her, from sheer angry spite,
} The woman he'd dated the previous night.
}
} Laurie, who'd feigned an indifference complete
} Madly swept Andrew right off of his feet;
} She tore off his clothes and tied him to a bed
} And turned to his lover and said:  [insert grum riff here]
}
} ``Now that I see that dating's his passion
} I think that this scumbag is due for a thrashin'.
} You take the whip, and I'll use the club;
} And afterwards salt in his wounds we will rub.
} We'll pull out his entrails, the two-timing sleaze,
} And stomp on his balls till they feel like mashed peas.
} With this razor his skin from his flesh we will flay...''
} He heard nothing more, having fainted away.
} He never awoke, and his tattered remains
} Were flushed down Manhattan's old sewer drains.
}
} In short, it may happen that someone's attracted
} By your being by another woman distracted.
} But you never know just what form that will take.
} The girl of your dreams may have passions to slake
} Undreamt of by you.  So go home and be faithful;
} It's preferable to being entirely wraithful.
}
} You owe the Oracle a woman who is attractive because she dates other
} men.


168-03    (05220 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh mighty Oracle whose penis is to large to fit into my mere
> mortal mouth, whose arse if just the right size for everything.  Enough
> of that crap, here's my demand oracle:
>
>   We know you are actually a front for the Illuminati, the Ancient
> Illuminated Seers of Bavaria to be precise.  We knowthat your An-eristic
> attitudes are threatening to brainwash the minds of (fnord) millions of
> net-readers!  We also know for a fact, that you are on of the Five that
> control the world and were personally responsible for the character
> assasinations (fnord) of Jim & Tammy Bakker(fnord), Gary Heart(fnord!
> Fnord!  fnord!), Premier Bill Vanderzalm (Premier of British Columbia),
> and Margaret Thatcher (fnord!  fnord!  fnord!  fnord!  fnord!)!  Now.
> We deman justice!  We demand you resign as Oracle and abandon your
> foolish Aneristic ways.
>
>                         Signed,
>                                 Hagbard Celine,
>                                 Harry Coin,
>                                 Joe Malik & George Dorn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish cultists and walkers of the wrongly paths!  Check your Barrett's
} Guide to Seers, Oracles and Heretics again.  See where it says (page
} 6,504) "Oracle, Usenet:  ...'foolish Aneristic ways'"?  It's a typo, oh
} virulent nimrod.  (Fnord!) The Oracle is ANAEROBIC, not aneristic!  I
} exist in the electronic ebbs and (fnord!) flows of network circuitry.
} Totally anaerobic I (fnord!  fnord!) I can do chin-ups underwater.  I
} can do leg lifts in a plastic bag.  I can do thirty thousand laps around
} Manhattan with my head entirely encased in Silly Putty and not even get
} winded.  (FNORD!!) Oh, but jeez, I caught your damned cold
} anyway...Fnord!  Fnord!  Bastard.
}
} Besides which, I've never been to Austria.  Corporeally, that is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Jazzercize video and a champagne cork for my
} esophagus.


168-04    (13212 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is that gunk that collects on the nose rest of glasses?  Is there
> some way to prevent it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The gunk that collects on the nose rests of your glasses is a variety of
} body cheese known as eye cheese.  There is also toe cheese between your
} toes (known also as blue-dirt) and belly button cheese.  In general, all
} body cheese is a mixture of natural bodily fluid mixed with particles of
} dirt in the air.
}
} Now, why does eye cheese collect in your noserest?  The answer is quite
} simple.  Most people who wear glasses have a larger brain than thos who
} do not wear glasses (thus the theory that people who wear glasses are
} smarter).  This increased brain size creates greater pressure in the
} cranium, whic in turn exerts more pressure on the eye cheese producing
} glands located aroud the eye sockets.  Due to the increased pressure, an
} excess amount of eye cheese is produced.  It is this excess amount that
} collect in your glasses...
}
} Unfortunately, there is no way to control overactive eye-cheese glands
} without removing your eyeballs.  Don't despair, however, for eye cheese
} can actually be beneficial.  Many foresightful, buxom women, realizing
} that an overabundance of eye cheese indicates an exceptionally
} intelligent individual, actually seek out men with gooped up glasses.
} In fact, that's how I met my wife , Mrs.  Hawaiian Tropic 1989!  And
} even if eye cheese doesn't net you a spouse, it tastes great when you
} spread it on Ritz crackers....


168-05    (14211 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just heard about the French Open Women's contest on the radio.  They
> told me who won it, but didn't describe the contest itself.  What's it
> about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh, difficult one that!  In France, they seem to be infatuated with
} gastronomic delights such as snails and frogs' legs.  The French Open
} Women's contest is designed to take the best of these two elements of
} the French way of life and combine them into one - the traditional
} method is to lie flat on one's back whilst clenching a standard, fasted
} cooking snail between the soles of the feet.  The woman has to draw her
} legs up into the standard open posture, as resembles a frog lying on its
} back on a chopping board prior to being skinned for cooking, without
} dropping or crushing the snail.  This feat is repeated with two, three,
} four, etc snails between the soles of the feet, the winner being the one
} who can accomplish the posture with the most snails so held.
}
} It follows that the French like to play with their food!


168-06    (41211 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> have you ever suck a dog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle disdainfully repilies to the question (and he quotes
} verbatim) -[ "have you ever suck a dog?"
}
} The Oracle is appalled and offended by the perverted nature of the
} aforenoted question - the phrase 'suck a dog' is a denotative imperative
} and is, as such, quite unsuited to the tone of a generalized past
} imperfect enquiry.  In addition, sentences in the English language are
} usually begun with a capitalized letter as in "Have you ever taken an
} english class you moron?"
}
} The Oracles magnificent presence is perturbed by the ambiguous nature of
} the question, (and who wouldn't be?)
}
}         Is it sexual, insinuating a penchant for rampant bestiality?
}
}         Is it merely a reference to sucking a wiener out of a bun at a
}         Tigers game, made by someone with a California education (how
}         can they be expected to know better?)?
}
}         Is it a side-effect of someone's mistaking their terminal for
}         their loved one after seventeen too many bacardi's?
}
} Well, says the almighty Oracle, if the first :  Yes, he has.  He shall
} not attempt to say any more in this regard for fear of being arrested
} and thrown into the same jail cell as 2 Live Crew.
}
} If the second :  No he hasn't.  The Oracle being all-knowing and
} apprised of the universal truths cannot stand baseball.  (His being an
} alien also has something to do with this).
}
} If the third :  The Oracle says, Get a @#$%&*!  grip on yourself.  Think
} before you drink.  i.e Bacardi is for pansies.  The Oracle prefers a
} good bottle (or six) of Stolichnaya - redolent of the grainy russian
} steppe.  (If you are gay, the Oracle recants this particular reprimand).
}
}         What part of the dog?


168-07    (12321 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Led Zeppelin satanic, and if so why did they wear bell-bottoms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, everybody in Hell wears bell-bottoms.  It's part of the
} required uniform, which is designed to humiliate and degrade people.
} You're also required to wear geeky hats with springy antennas on top,
} tightly woven polyester shirts buttoned all the way up to the collar,
} pantyhose, training bras, clip-on bow ties, thick taped glasses, braces,
} dutch clogs, and mittens with a string that runs up one arm and down the
} other.  Anytime you see anyone wearing one or more of these items,
} they're probably Satanists.
}
} Actually, though, the guys in Led Zeppelin weren't Satanists.  They wore
} bell-bottoms because they had atrocious taste.


168-08    (32220 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle , lord most high of great and wonderous power and awe,
> may your rod never wither oh great grey green greasy one and may your
> camels always be fertile, please answer my most perplexing question....
>
> why is it that nine out of ten men who have tried camels, prefer women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all has to do with the intriguing genital differences between camels
} (lustus humpus) and women (fuckus offus).  You see the women have
} extremely small vaginas, minute clitorii and two breasts.  Camels, on
} the other hands, have vaginas that four men can fit in, clitorii that
} are arm-pit sized and enough breasts to feed fourteen Ethiopians for
} twelve weeks.  This disparate difference between men and dromedaries can
} crush any male ego, hence the natural prediliction for human females.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve teat bra for his favourite camel.


168-09    (33120 dist, 2.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alcatraz!  Ho, Alcatraz!  Well, what have we here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd like two Good Humors please.
}
} I haven't got any Good Humors, I've just got this bloody
} Alcatraz!  (shouts) Alcatraz!
}
} What flavor is it?
}
} It's a prison, mate.  It's a bloody prison.  It doesn't have
} any bloody flavor!  (shouts) Alcatraz!
}
} It's got to be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor.
}
} All right, it's bloody Alcatraz flavor - it's bloody stone built
} Alcatraz flavor!  (shouts) Alcatraz!
}
} Do you get wafers with it?
}
} Course you don't get bloody wafers with it!  It's a bloody prison,
} isn't it?  (shouts) Alcatraz!
}
} I'll have two please.
}
} I've only got one you cocksucker!  (shouts) Alcatraz!
}
} You owe the Oracle Brains-on-a-Stick.


168-10    (15021 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and fishy Oracle, master of all holiness flagrant, whose beauty
> punches the angels themselves, whose life stinks more wonderfully than
> the stars themselves, grant me this morsel of your omniscience.  Is it
> really the case that LSD is the cause of Satanism, moral decline of most
> of America, and the Bible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   No. As usual, this is a grossly overgeneralized rumor with no
} basis in fact. Although laboratory rats soaked in a pure solution
} of LSD for several weeks *do* come out looking like Satan, or
} the Bible, or both, and they *do* promote moral decay if taken
} internally with 2-3 bandsaws and a fire hatchet, this has absolutely
} no relation to the high incidence of sulphur and brimstone in
} television evangelists. In fact, this latter correlation can
} be completely explained by a few simple observations:
}
}     -- The Devil can quote scripture to further his own ends. (Shake-
} speare said it; it must be true.)
}     -- The Devil likes death and destruction and bathroom mildew and
} vacant-eyed children.
}     -- Television evangelists are quite capable of producing the above.
}
}     Therefore, it is easily seen that television evangelists are pawns
} of the devil. It can be further shown ( though I will not do so here )
} that the same sorts of arguments apply to all religious types back
} through to the dawn of time -- so, in fact, not only can the Devil
} cite scripture, but he in fact wrote it. God was called away to an
} interuniversal Brockian Ultra-Cricket match immediately after creation
} of our universee, and Satan, Satanism, moral decay, and the Bible
} all sort of spontaneously generated each other, like microorganisms.
} God will return soon and will probably clear us all away to create
} his planned race of meditative dust-bunnies.


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