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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me how I can get into contact with more people across the world > using this modern-day means of communication.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Post a retarded series of non-sequiturs in trendy surfer-turtle lingo } typed in all uppercase to every newsgroup on the net.  They'll get in } contact with you. } } You owe the Oracle a 600 Megabyte disk drive for its kill file.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that if you use your left hand, it feels like another person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently, if you lay on your arm until it goes to sleep, and then use } it, it feels like someone else is doing it for you.  As the Oracle is } asexual, it can only relate to you the experiences of others. } } You owe the Oracle an out-of-body experience.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've heard of the Oracle and the Boracle.  Are there others?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  There's the Coracle for sailors, a Foracle for people who } don't believe in foreplay, a Goracle for some guy with a spot on his } head, a Horacle for people who sell sex, and many many more (it's a big } alphabet). } } You owe the oracle a visit from the Zoracle when he's done with the } sword- fighting scene.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge knows no bounds (save for the Jersey shore), > > What exactly _is_ a virus?  Animal, vegetable, protist?  Engineering > major?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A virus is anything with the ability to duplicate itself, and thereby } continue to exist in an identical or similar form in more than one } place.  Of course, by this rather broad definition almost everything } is a virus: animals produce several similar offspring, vegetables } produce entire crops of virtually identical copies of the original } plant, protists do very much the same thing.  Engineering majors do } not necessarily produce more engineering majors, although the ones who } become engineering professors undoubtedly do, some of which will in } turn become engineering professors, ad nauseum.  More generally, } professors tend to produce, among other things, more professors.  In } certain fields they produce little else. } } Even such subtle things as phrases and concepts can be viruses.  So } called "catch phases" are perfect examples of this.  How many times } was the phrase "Where's the beef?" repeated before everyone got sick } of it?  This phrase seemed to have much more self-duplicating power } than a phrase like: "Can I have your turnips?" } } Personally, I enjoy the example: "This sentence is a virus." because } not only is it self-referential, but it is compact and easy to } remember, and it has a certain self-duplicating nature.  Please } mention it in the next conversation you have concerning viruses, I } know I always do.  If you do mention it, be sure to encourage others } to do the same in the future. } } If this response makes it into the top ten "Oracularities" (which I } doubt) it will be duplicated on many systems through the mailing list, } and many more through the Usenet news.  This demontrates that funny } responses are much more like viruses than serious ones are.  The very } funniest ones will be filed away on many hard drives, printed, } photocopied, re-posted, and mailed all over the network and the world. } This proves that very funny jokes are among the most prolific viruses } in the world.  Other things that fit the same description are } religions, scientific discoveries and pornographic GIF files. } } You owe the Oracle 50 shares of Xerox stock.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Script started on Fri Jun  8 03:22:16 1990 > 1> wrap.question myquestion >  *** Automatic Envelope Generator for Questions to the Usenet Oracle *** > reading question... done > generating praise........ done > >  O Great Wise Omniscient Oracle!  This is a question from the scum of > the earth who is not worth licking your shoes.  I dare to most O Oracle > (knowledge, wise master) Ircvssel$%@# > Segmentation fault: core dumped > 2> rm core > 3> cat myquestion > >  Why do those evil mad scientists in old horror movies (often played by > Vincent Price) always play Bach's "Tocatta & Fugue in D-minor" on the > organ? > > 4> ^D > > script done on Fri Jun  8 03:23:47 1990

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Oracular Avatar Guidelines section IXVI rule 37 paragraph 13: }    All questions posed as silly bogus unix scripts shall be deemed to be }    possibly subversive incursions from extra-terran machine intell- }    igences.  Please forward such queries to the Oracular Enforcement }    Division (oed@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) for investigation. } } Your question has been forwarded to the approriate authorities.  Please } do not leave the building until an appropriate investigation has been } completed.  Thank you for your cooperation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yoooooo  Hooooooo, Mr. Orrrrrrrracllllllllle, > >      Since you are the only ORacle around, doesn't that make you >      the exclusive-oracle?  P'raps you should change your name to >      The XORacle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me, but doesn't your sense of humor extend beyond the realm of } your work?  Try this on your co-workers:  "I heard that Vice President } Quayle met with Gorbachev recently, and asked him about the spot on his } head.  Gorbachev told him that it was a birthmark, to which Quayle } queried, `Oh?  How long have you had it'." I'm sure that they will enjoy } it. } } You owe the Oracle one Bennett Cerf book.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that if you play the Mr. Ed theme song backwards, there is > a Satanic message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having personally tested this theory using the most expensive } equipment, the Oracle assures you that there is no satanic message in } the Mr Ed theme song. } } The message actually there is "Sue Rock, Sue Rock, vaunted sore." } Apparently the famous equine regrets romantic companionship with } certain famous TV actors, but since both parties are now dead, we'll } never know for sure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Several weeks ago, I was sitting at the downtown bus station, passing > the time until my bus arrived.  There was an unshaven fellow wearing > a grimy tweed overcoat standing nearby and smoking.  Suddenly he sat > down beside me, turned to me and with a beery exhalation, mumbled, > "That's three cigarettes and eight cents." > > I looked up from my newspaper.  "What?" I inquired. > > "Three cigarettes and eight cents," he repeated.  "You owe me three > cigarettes and eight cents." > > I just stared at him. > > "But that's okay," he went on.  "You don't have to pay me now." > And with that he stood and shuffled off in the direction of the > men's room. > > I shook my head, figured he was probably crazy, and went back to > my newspaper.  But just now I got to thinking about it and it hit > me--who would ever come up to me and tell me that I owed him some > paltry sum, and then take no interest whatsoever in collecting on > it? > > Who, that is, but the Usenet Oracle? > > That was you, wasn't it?  You were trying to collect on the > cigarettes and pennies you charged me for the answer you gave > me when my parakeet died from the tainted birdseed and I wanted > to know how I could get revenge on the birdseed company.  Well, > I have just one thing to say--pathetic!  You look awful, Oracle. > You obviously hadn't shaven or eaten any solid food in days, and > you only know when your last haircut was.  The clothes you were > wearing looked like they came out of garbage dumpsters.  You'd > been drinking, and probably taking other drugs too.  How could > you let yourself sink so low?  And what are you going to do about > it?  You realize, don't you, that once word of this gets out to > the Usenet community at large, no one will ever listen to your > answers anymore.  They'll know you're just another drunken > reprobate off the street, and they'll figure it'd be cheaper > just to go talk to the guy who says all the needle-pricks in his > arms were put there by UFOs.  You drunk junkies make me sick, you > know that? > > (Oh, by the way, I never did manage to get revenge on the birdseed > company, and do you know why?  There's no such goddamn THING as > an "ACME Parakeet-Shaped Grenade"!  They took them the market three > years ago!  You've really lost it, Oracle.  Get help.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh please, stop your sniveling, if I responded to every little complaint } someone ever had about my advise, I would be bankrupt and in jail.  And } no that was not me in the Bus Station, I would never lower myself to } your mesley little level, you little Illuminati Dupe, I hired a } collection agent from Taxation Canada (these guys make the IRS look } nice) and he came straight over from his office in his office clothes. } Of course the thing is was that he was going to claim 1 cigarette and } three cents for his services but then again, I can't be picky.  Anyways, } when you ignored him and went home later that month, he followed you } there and stole the rightful property of the Usenet Oracle. }         Well, I guess this just teaches you that you never mess with the } Usenet Oracle unless you want to find your parakeet's lower half in your } bed.  The other half I will give to the guy from Taxation Canada. } }         And by the ways, the birdseed company in question recieves the } Usenet Oracularities every time there is a new one and they read my } advice.  Then they bought out the ACME Armaments Division and then } stopped distribution of the grenade retroactively so they are now no } parakeet shaped grenades left in the world. }         But for a small fee of three cigarettes and eight cents I can } reek unholy vengence on the bird seed comapny and do things to the staff } and management of that factory that would make your mind melt... } } You owe the Oracle your first born (uncircumcised) and proof the Earth } is Flat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I asked you a question a couple of years ago about how can I make > the U.S.  government hire me as a computer security expert so I can work > with my father.  Well, you responded and sent me a UUENCODED program > which you said was guaranteed to help me.  All I had to do was UUDECODE > it on my system and run it. >         Well, I did.  My name is Richard Morris and I am now probably > the most famous hacker around since Wozniak.  But it backfired, Oracle, > I got kicked out of my University, the U.S.  Government wants me to die > painfully and my father told me to never talk to him again (he was a tad > upset since the Government wanted to fire and prosecute him also).  My > life is miserable, Mr.  Oracle, my life is in RUINS!  And it is all your > fault!  That is why I am doing the following... > % uux iuvax.cs.indiana.edu kill oracle > % uucp virus.logx.bomb iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > % uux iuvax.cs.indiana.edu virus.logx.bomb > > Die, Oracle! Die!! Die! Die! Die!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait a minute, Robert.  I happen to be a professor at Cornell, and the } consensus here is that we'll let you back if you apply.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderfully psychadelic oracle tell me ... > > is it true that there are only a finite number of jokes in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Here they are: } } 1. "Why did the scallop cross the road?  To get to the other clam!" }    (It sounds a lot better in Akkadian, I'm afraid.) } } 2. The other day when was watching a boxing match on tv, }    a hockey game broke out! } } 3.                              +-----------+ }                                 |  THINGS   | }                                 | next 3 km | }                                 +-+-------+-+ }                                   |       | } } 4.    A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems. } } 5. Dorothy Parker called her canary Onan because "he spills his seed }    upon the ground". } } That's all.  Now you don't have to laugh any more.  That should make you } happy, no?