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Internet Oracularities #169

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169, 169-01, 169-02, 169-03, 169-04, 169-05, 169-06, 169-07, 169-08, 169-09, 169-10


Usenet Oracularities #169    (12 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 90 10:31:09 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

169   12 votes 23421 54111 15411 12351 13332 15411 24600 05214 11433 03342
169   2.9 mean  2.8   2.1   2.7   3.2   3.2   2.7   2.3   3.3   3.5   3.4


169-01    (23421 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me how I can get into contact with more people across the world
> using this modern-day means of communication.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Post a retarded series of non-sequiturs in trendy surfer-turtle lingo
} typed in all uppercase to every newsgroup on the net.  They'll get in
} contact with you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 600 Megabyte disk drive for its kill file.


169-02    (54111 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that if you use your left hand, it feels like another person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently, if you lay on your arm until it goes to sleep, and then use
} it, it feels like someone else is doing it for you.  As the Oracle is
} asexual, it can only relate to you the experiences of others.
}
} You owe the Oracle an out-of-body experience.


169-03    (15411 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've heard of the Oracle and the Boracle.  Are there others?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  There's the Coracle for sailors, a Foracle for people who
} don't believe in foreplay, a Goracle for some guy with a spot on his
} head, a Horacle for people who sell sex, and many many more (it's a big
} alphabet).
}
} You owe the oracle a visit from the Zoracle when he's done with the
} sword- fighting scene.


169-04    (12351 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge knows no bounds (save for the Jersey shore),
>
> What exactly _is_ a virus?  Animal, vegetable, protist?  Engineering
> major?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A virus is anything with the ability to duplicate itself, and thereby
} continue to exist in an identical or similar form in more than one
} place.  Of course, by this rather broad definition almost everything
} is a virus: animals produce several similar offspring, vegetables
} produce entire crops of virtually identical copies of the original
} plant, protists do very much the same thing.  Engineering majors do
} not necessarily produce more engineering majors, although the ones who
} become engineering professors undoubtedly do, some of which will in
} turn become engineering professors, ad nauseum.  More generally,
} professors tend to produce, among other things, more professors.  In
} certain fields they produce little else.
}
} Even such subtle things as phrases and concepts can be viruses.  So
} called "catch phases" are perfect examples of this.  How many times
} was the phrase "Where's the beef?" repeated before everyone got sick
} of it?  This phrase seemed to have much more self-duplicating power
} than a phrase like: "Can I have your turnips?"
}
} Personally, I enjoy the example: "This sentence is a virus." because
} not only is it self-referential, but it is compact and easy to
} remember, and it has a certain self-duplicating nature.  Please
} mention it in the next conversation you have concerning viruses, I
} know I always do.  If you do mention it, be sure to encourage others
} to do the same in the future.
}
} If this response makes it into the top ten "Oracularities" (which I
} doubt) it will be duplicated on many systems through the mailing list,
} and many more through the Usenet news.  This demontrates that funny
} responses are much more like viruses than serious ones are.  The very
} funniest ones will be filed away on many hard drives, printed,
} photocopied, re-posted, and mailed all over the network and the world.
} This proves that very funny jokes are among the most prolific viruses
} in the world.  Other things that fit the same description are
} religions, scientific discoveries and pornographic GIF files.
}
} You owe the Oracle 50 shares of Xerox stock.


169-05    (13332 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Script started on Fri Jun  8 03:22:16 1990
> 1> wrap.question myquestion
>  *** Automatic Envelope Generator for Questions to the Usenet Oracle ***
> reading question... done
> generating praise........ done
>
>  O Great Wise Omniscient Oracle!  This is a question from the scum of
> the earth who is not worth licking your shoes.  I dare to most O Oracle
> (knowledge, wise master) Ircvssel$%@#
> Segmentation fault: core dumped
> 2> rm core
> 3> cat myquestion
>
>  Why do those evil mad scientists in old horror movies (often played by
> Vincent Price) always play Bach's "Tocatta & Fugue in D-minor" on the
> organ?
>
> 4> ^D
>
> script done on Fri Jun  8 03:23:47 1990

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Oracular Avatar Guidelines section IXVI rule 37 paragraph 13:
}    All questions posed as silly bogus unix scripts shall be deemed to be
}    possibly subversive incursions from extra-terran machine intell-
}    igences.  Please forward such queries to the Oracular Enforcement
}    Division (oed@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) for investigation.
}
} Your question has been forwarded to the approriate authorities.  Please
} do not leave the building until an appropriate investigation has been
} completed.  Thank you for your cooperation.


169-06    (15411 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yoooooo  Hooooooo, Mr. Orrrrrrrracllllllllle,
>
>      Since you are the only ORacle around, doesn't that make you
>      the exclusive-oracle?  P'raps you should change your name to
>      The XORacle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me, but doesn't your sense of humor extend beyond the realm of
} your work?  Try this on your co-workers:  "I heard that Vice President
} Quayle met with Gorbachev recently, and asked him about the spot on his
} head.  Gorbachev told him that it was a birthmark, to which Quayle
} queried, `Oh?  How long have you had it'." I'm sure that they will enjoy
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Bennett Cerf book.


169-07    (24600 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that if you play the Mr. Ed theme song backwards, there is
> a Satanic message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having personally tested this theory using the most expensive
} equipment, the Oracle assures you that there is no satanic message in
} the Mr Ed theme song.
}
} The message actually there is "Sue Rock, Sue Rock, vaunted sore."
} Apparently the famous equine regrets romantic companionship with
} certain famous TV actors, but since both parties are now dead, we'll
} never know for sure.


169-08    (05214 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Several weeks ago, I was sitting at the downtown bus station, passing
> the time until my bus arrived.  There was an unshaven fellow wearing
> a grimy tweed overcoat standing nearby and smoking.  Suddenly he sat
> down beside me, turned to me and with a beery exhalation, mumbled,
> "That's three cigarettes and eight cents."
>
> I looked up from my newspaper.  "What?" I inquired.
>
> "Three cigarettes and eight cents," he repeated.  "You owe me three
> cigarettes and eight cents."
>
> I just stared at him.
>
> "But that's okay," he went on.  "You don't have to pay me now."
> And with that he stood and shuffled off in the direction of the
> men's room.
>
> I shook my head, figured he was probably crazy, and went back to
> my newspaper.  But just now I got to thinking about it and it hit
> me--who would ever come up to me and tell me that I owed him some
> paltry sum, and then take no interest whatsoever in collecting on
> it?
>
> Who, that is, but the Usenet Oracle?
>
> That was you, wasn't it?  You were trying to collect on the
> cigarettes and pennies you charged me for the answer you gave
> me when my parakeet died from the tainted birdseed and I wanted
> to know how I could get revenge on the birdseed company.  Well,
> I have just one thing to say--pathetic!  You look awful, Oracle.
> You obviously hadn't shaven or eaten any solid food in days, and
> you only know when your last haircut was.  The clothes you were
> wearing looked like they came out of garbage dumpsters.  You'd
> been drinking, and probably taking other drugs too.  How could
> you let yourself sink so low?  And what are you going to do about
> it?  You realize, don't you, that once word of this gets out to
> the Usenet community at large, no one will ever listen to your
> answers anymore.  They'll know you're just another drunken
> reprobate off the street, and they'll figure it'd be cheaper
> just to go talk to the guy who says all the needle-pricks in his
> arms were put there by UFOs.  You drunk junkies make me sick, you
> know that?
>
> (Oh, by the way, I never did manage to get revenge on the birdseed
> company, and do you know why?  There's no such goddamn THING as
> an "ACME Parakeet-Shaped Grenade"!  They took them the market three
> years ago!  You've really lost it, Oracle.  Get help.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh please, stop your sniveling, if I responded to every little complaint
} someone ever had about my advise, I would be bankrupt and in jail.  And
} no that was not me in the Bus Station, I would never lower myself to
} your mesley little level, you little Illuminati Dupe, I hired a
} collection agent from Taxation Canada (these guys make the IRS look
} nice) and he came straight over from his office in his office clothes.
} Of course the thing is was that he was going to claim 1 cigarette and
} three cents for his services but then again, I can't be picky.  Anyways,
} when you ignored him and went home later that month, he followed you
} there and stole the rightful property of the Usenet Oracle.
}         Well, I guess this just teaches you that you never mess with the
} Usenet Oracle unless you want to find your parakeet's lower half in your
} bed.  The other half I will give to the guy from Taxation Canada.
}
}         And by the ways, the birdseed company in question recieves the
} Usenet Oracularities every time there is a new one and they read my
} advice.  Then they bought out the ACME Armaments Division and then
} stopped distribution of the grenade retroactively so they are now no
} parakeet shaped grenades left in the world.
}         But for a small fee of three cigarettes and eight cents I can
} reek unholy vengence on the bird seed comapny and do things to the staff
} and management of that factory that would make your mind melt...
}
} You owe the Oracle your first born (uncircumcised) and proof the Earth
} is Flat.


169-09    (11433 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I asked you a question a couple of years ago about how can I make
> the U.S.  government hire me as a computer security expert so I can work
> with my father.  Well, you responded and sent me a UUENCODED program
> which you said was guaranteed to help me.  All I had to do was UUDECODE
> it on my system and run it.
>         Well, I did.  My name is Richard Morris and I am now probably
> the most famous hacker around since Wozniak.  But it backfired, Oracle,
> I got kicked out of my University, the U.S.  Government wants me to die
> painfully and my father told me to never talk to him again (he was a tad
> upset since the Government wanted to fire and prosecute him also).  My
> life is miserable, Mr.  Oracle, my life is in RUINS!  And it is all your
> fault!  That is why I am doing the following...
> % uux iuvax.cs.indiana.edu kill oracle
> % uucp virus.logx.bomb iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
> % uux iuvax.cs.indiana.edu virus.logx.bomb
>
> Die, Oracle! Die!! Die! Die! Die!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait a minute, Robert.  I happen to be a professor at Cornell, and the
} consensus here is that we'll let you back if you apply.


169-10    (03342 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderfully psychadelic oracle tell me ...
>
> is it true that there are only a finite number of jokes in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Here they are:
}
} 1. "Why did the scallop cross the road?  To get to the other clam!"
}    (It sounds a lot better in Akkadian, I'm afraid.)
}
} 2. The other day when was watching a boxing match on tv,
}    a hockey game broke out!
}
} 3.                              +-----------+
}                                 |  THINGS   |
}                                 | next 3 km |
}                                 +-+-------+-+
}                                   |       |
}
} 4.    A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems.
}
} 5. Dorothy Parker called her canary Onan because "he spills his seed
}    upon the ground".
}
} That's all.  Now you don't have to laugh any more.  That should make you
} happy, no?


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