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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:45:05 GMT

Internet Oracularities #17

Goto:
17, 17-01, 17-02, 17-03, 17-04, 17-05, 17-06, 17-07, 17-08, 17-09, 17-10


Usenet Oracularities #17
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Oct 89 18:58:24 GMT

@@@ ======================================================================
@@@                            ORACLE NEWS FLASH!
@@@ Oracle version 1.6 is now running.  The Oracle will now accept answers
@@@ mailed to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu as well as oracle-answers.
@@@ ======================================================================

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


17-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will michael Jackson look like in 5 years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} His perpetual cosmetic surgery will finally result in his complete
} transformation into Diana Ross.


17-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is a napkin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A napkin is since,
} because and so whence,
} I must conclude hence,
} that you sure are dense.
}
} You owe the Oracle every Burma-Shave road sign between Topeka, Kansas
} and Laramie, Wyoming.  Tomorrow.


17-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does the white go when the snow melts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It goes to heaven to color the angels' gowns.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snowball, vintage 1968.


17-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Crazy Bennie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is Marilyn Quayle's love-name for Danny.  Shouted only in moments
} of orgasmic ecstasy, it was last heard on Tuesday, 9 March 1976, from
} 21:07:13 to 21:07:15.  It woke the cat.


17-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great oracle, tell me why I can't find any K00L women on my BBS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because real I<00L women wouldn't get near a geek-laden BBS like yours.
}
} You owe the Oracle the remainder of your Playboy subscription.
} And that condom in your wallet, too.  You won't ever need it.


17-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that god made man before computers ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God did not make man.
} God did not make computers.
} Computers made man.
} Man made God.
}
} So speaks the Oracle.


17-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please answer the question below:
>
> Please answer the question above:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd pay 70 bucks to avoid having a meaningful relationship with you!
} You must be a real wimp to think that Charles Darwin explained the
} origin of raisins.  Everyone's romantic when there's Banana Sheets for
} breakfast!  Mon Dieu!  you must be Khrushchev's racketeer to think that
} when you eat mayonnaise with pickle relish, it tastes really Russian.
} Tina Turner offered Cerebus $858,000 if he would poison Robinson Crusoe.
} Did you share marshmallow spread with Virginia Dare with a marimba or a
} scholar?  Didn't you read the Bible?  When ya gotta go ya gotta go, my
} little harlot.


17-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Oded conduct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oded no can conduct becas Oded very ded, and for to conduct is need for
} to be alive.  Take the look at Oconductor of the streaker some of soon
} time.  Is Oconductor of the streaker the ded person?  NO!  Is Oconductor
} of the streaker the every sick person even?  NO!  Oconductor of the
} streaker is the very much aliv person.  This is the write thing for to
} be.  Oded conductor of the streaker no can conduct much good.


17-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored. Have any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to Tehran and offer to sell people bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwiches in
} exchange for supporting Shah Reza Pahlavi in a coup.  You will no longer
} be bored.


17-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's 2 + 2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You sanctimonious weakling, 2 + 2 is:
}   2 + 2 (commutativity)
}   0 + (2 + 2) (zero sum)
}   1*(2+2) (multiplicative unit)
}   712 (mistake)
}
} and I hope it makes you happy.


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