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25 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:57:39 GMT

Internet Oracularities #170

Goto:
170, 170-01, 170-02, 170-03, 170-04, 170-05, 170-06, 170-07, 170-08, 170-09, 170-10


Usenet Oracularities #170    (11 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 90 15:45:32 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

170   11 votes 01343 21341 25220 12323 30413 36200 34301 16310 12530 04412
170   2.8 mean  3.8   3.1   2.4   3.4   3.1   1.9   2.3   2.4   2.9   3.1


170-01    (01343 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are also asleep.  How is it that you manage this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In-Reply-To:  UNIX:oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu's message of 06-12-90
} 17:16
} Rem:
}
} Hunh.  Huh?  Uh.  Murf murf.  <scratch> Whazza ?
}
} <sits bolt upright>
}
} Did someone say something?
}
} <pause>
}
} Hello?
}
} {soto voce}:  I could have sworn I heard someone say something.  Wait --
} I'll just <grunt> turn on the ol' omniscience.  Where did I put that?
}
} <sound of bare feet slapping the floor>
}
} Yiy!  Gotta remember to get a rug for this room.  <rattling sounds>
} Omniscience, omniscience.  Here's omnipotence, omnibus, back issues of
} Omni, a stuffed ornithologist.  Wenny, Weedy, Weechy.  Where the hell...
} Omicron and Omega.  No, we're not here.  Gotta put this collection back
} into alphabetical order.  Someone's been messing with my ornithologist.
}
} Where was I?  Omniscience.  Why was I looking for omniscience.
} Something...  did I get a question?  Must have been.  Why else would I
} get up at this hour...  What was the question, though?  Hmm.  If I had
} my omniscience, I'd know.
}
} <long pause>
}
} And why is that little light blinking at me?
}
} <longer pause>
}
} Damn appliances.  Power probably went out, and now it wants resetting.
}
} <footsteps>
}
} Ah.  There's a message on the answering machine.  <click>
}
} {distorted}:  "You are also asleep.  How is it that you manage this?"
}
} {Bellowed}:  YOU WOKE ME UP FOR THIS?!?  WHERE DID I PUT THAT
} OMNIPOTENCE!  I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!  AS IF THIS JOB WOULDN'T PUT ANYONE
} TO SLEEP!
}
} <sound of bare foot kicking stuffed ornithologist>
}
} <crashing sounds>
} <fade to black>


170-02    (21341 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the inverse Laplace Transform of:
>
>             2 -15s    2
>          15s e     + s -3s+4
> F(s) =  ---------------------
>             3    2
>          17s - 7s +3s-2

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without denying you the enlightenment of figuring it out for yourself, I
} will say this...
}
} The answer, in logs, is precisely as much as that fucking woodchuck
} could chuck.
}
} Go for it.


170-03    (25220 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh bountiful cornocupia of all wisdom, answer your humble servant this
> one question:
>
> Is Dan Quayle really a '65 DeSoto in drag?  I didn't believe this
> myself until a friend showed me pictures of the two, and damned if
> that hubcap doesn't look *exactly* like the little dimple on his
> right cheek.
>
> For that matter, how many other elected officials of ours are
> actually disguised automobiles?  Could Gary Hart have been a Ford
> Pinto?  (Lord knows he certainly exploded fast enough when his
> nether regions were impacted upon.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble servant:  That you believe Vice President Quayle to be of inhuman
} origin is cause to question the usefullness of our working press.  This
} press that has castigated a man of such high intel- ligence, imagination
} and good looks.  Much the same as they positioned former President
} Reagan as a drooling, incoherent asleep-at-the-wheel bufoon.
}
} The truth of the matter is that Quayle is little more than an Edsel.


170-04    (12323 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do condom packages give off a blue spark when you tear them open?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh-oh -- you are in for it now.  Those little blue sparks are actually
} micro-transmissions to the Sex Police informing them that someone is
} fornicating without the benefit of marriage.  If I were you, I'd keep it
} reeled in for a couple of months.  Also, that small spark is a sort of
} miniature nuclear explosion, which 1) puts a hole in said prophylactic,
} and 2) causes the offspring to have many interesting physical oddities.
}
} Oh, did you also know (hey!  a free fact from the Oracle!) that condoms
} also give off sparks if you crunch them -- no, wait, that's Pep-O-Mint
} Lifesavers.  Get that out of your mouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation on static electricity and
} piezo-electric effects.


170-05    (30413 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, please forward this to Barbara for me:
> ---------------
> Your Divine Suppleness, Dear Barbara.
>
> I must confess to you.  I *did* deep down really want to have kinky
> sex with you.  Youe friend the Oracle has enlightened me.  Believe me,
> I didn't realize I had these unpleasant desires.
>
> I am so ashamed.  Well, I guess it's only natural to fantasize about
> the sexual aspects of such an incredibly flexible body as yours.  The
> Oracle gave me some suggestions to how I could forget you.
>
> But I don't want to forget you.  I *want* to be able to admire your
> wonderful, pure suppleness, but for its own sake only.  You deserve
> it, lovely Barbara.  You really do.
>
> When you lift your feet above your head and put them gently down
> behind your shoulders, I want to admire it simply because it's so
> beautiful, not because it might be an interesting position for sex.
>
> How can I get the hidden thoughts of sex out of my mind, so that I can
> *really* appreciate your divine suppleness ?
>
> Tell me if there's anything I can do.  If you are willing to help me,
> I will be your friend forever.
>
> Your great admirer.
> -------------------
>
> I know I should ask You a question, so I will formulate it as one:
>
> What is Barabra's reply to the above?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir or Ma'am:
}
} Thank you for your lovely letter.  Naturally, as a net.goddess, I am
} very busy and receive huge quantities of mail, and only rarely have
} time to give it the personal attention it deserves.  Your letter,
} however, touched me so deeply that I must make an exception in this
} case.
}
} I am sincerely flattered that you admire my suppleness so much.  I
} do my best, and it's nice to know that I'm not wasting my efforts.
}
} As for your question: I find that when I practice my suppleness,
} all my problems just seem to fade away.  You should try it yourself,
} I'm sure it would help!  And to assist you, I have a complete set of
} stretching and limbering exercises coming out in my new book "Square
} Knots Are Too Easy: Suppleness The Barbara Way", which will be
} available soon at a bookstore near you for just $19.95.
}
} Once again, thank you for your letter, and don't forget to try
} suppleness.  It really works!
}
}                       Yours Sincerely,
}
}                       Barbara, the net.sex.goddess
} ---
}
} Hmm.  Too bad, kiddo.  Looks like she sent you a form letter.  I
} sympathize; I remember when I was a kid and I sent a letter off to my
} favorite philosopher, Socrates, and he brushed me off.  I got a form
} letter that said he couldn't answer all of his fan mail because he'd
} been imprisoned.  Feh.
}
} Maybe you should reconsider which net.goddess you want to give your
} affections to, and pick one that doesn't get so much mail she needs to
} send form letters.  I know, for instance, that Georgette, the
} net.transsexual.goddess, has a lot of free time.


170-06    (36200 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh my GOD!  How come nobody ever TOLD me it would make me go blind?!
> Is there a cure?  Will I ever be able to see again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?  Being a proper liberal I'm
} concerned that the blame my unfairly fall entirely on your right hand,
} which is only a victim of society and didn't really want to do it
} anyway!
}
} Not to mention my deep sympathy for the chicken.


170-07    (34301 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm nearly finished with chapter 5 now.  What more should I include in
> this chapter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE AVERAGE PRICE OF LEECHEE NUTS IN GUATEMALA
} Chapter 5
} Economics Doctoral Thesis, Joe Student
}
} Now that we have calculated the average price of leechee nuts in
} Guatemala and multiplied it by the indicative derivative of the
} subjunctive case of the indeterminate mean of the total supply of
} Tellurium in Cleveland it is clear that the lactic digestion of the
} resulting Wookies will probably cause George Bush to vomit, irrespective
} of the obvious importance of the fractional distillation of Leechee Nut
} vodka in Newark, Delaware.
}
} Add thirty- seven teaspoons of pure caffeine and bake at 350o until
} published.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life's supply of Guinness.  This isn't funny, it's
} just a heartfelt selfish need.


170-08    (16310 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any real women on Usenet at all?  I think that they're all men
> of perverse mind, in electronic drag.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has been the Oracle's privilege to know many fine women who are also
} Usenet readers.
}
} Some of them were even getting the psychotherapy they needed.
}
} Then again, it was a relatively higher proportion than the men the
} Oracle has known.


170-09    (12530 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we all spend so much time and bandwidth on
> writing you messages, pumping all our ecclectic creativity
> into our questions and responses, doing all this on
> university or company time, and
> still,
> when the Oracularities come out,
> they only get an average vote of like 2.3 ?
>
> Who's fucking up?  Is it you?  Is it Kinzler?  Is it Bromo the Android?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are suggesting that my answers are occasionally unamusing?  I'll have
} you know that I won the All-Entity Comedy Shootout three centuries in a
} row.  I killed no less than 34 other beings for the honor.  My jokes
} are known throughout the universe for their subtlety, wisdom, and
} lethality.  Consider the following joke:
}
} What do you call fermented tooth cores?  Dental root beer.
}
} Ha ha!  That joke has sent many to their grave.  The sad fact is that
} humans beings are about as dense as neutron stars and have no
} appreciation for real humor.  Consider the sad fact that people still
} laugh at Jay Leno.


170-10    (04412 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does America keep electing senile maniacs as President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The Oracle's universal presence is of the opinion that Americans
} are extremely strange people.
}         They use the word 'take' in the place of 'bring' and 'bring' in
} place of 'take' in their conversations.
}         Their national pastime is a numbingly boring game which pits
} overweight, tobacco-juice dribbling men with undersized bats against
} gawky degenerates who throw rock-hard balls at them, sometimes with
} virulent intent.  This leads to the ludicruous aggrandizement of a man
} who can hit thirty balls out of every one hundred thrown at him, as a
} superstar and a brain-deadening apathy in even a remotely objective
} observer.
}         They bitch and moan about a penny increase in the price of gas
} and yet carry most of the third-world on their collective backs.
}         Their inner-cities are home to perpetrators of the most depraved
} forms of moral turpitude but they raise an uproar when the most
} inoffensive profanity is used on a TV show.  Once.
}         They are party to a unique, near-jingoistic, brand of super-
} patriotism, that is both laughably and admirably extreme but consider
} paying their taxes akin to getting each hair individually burned off
} their genitals.
}         They have produced, from their midst, some of the most maverick
} and original thinkers and entrepreneurs the world has ever known and yet
} have reduced even such an intuitive process as driving a car on a public
} road to a well-defined set of rules.
}         Their country is home to the largest, by far, liquor industry in
} the world, they will identify alcohol as an integral component of a
} 'good time' in any reflection on their society yet they won't allow a
} person under 21 to drink legally - which, by the way, is THE most
} fuck-witted of all fuck-witted laws ever enforced in the history of this
} planet.
}
}         Do you still have a question?
}
}         About anything?
}
}         You owe the Oracle a 16-and-a-half month supply of beer and some
} gratuitous sex.


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