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Internet Oracularities #171

Goto:
171, 171-01, 171-02, 171-03, 171-04, 171-05, 171-06, 171-07, 171-08, 171-09, 171-10


Usenet Oracularities #171    (10 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Jun 90 11:51:09 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

171   10 votes 02440 43201 22231 04240 22420 21232 03241 03430 02314 10333
171   3.1 mean  3.2   2.1   2.9   3.0   2.6   3.2   3.3   3.0   3.7   3.7


171-01    (02440 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are Lisa, Mary Ellen, Megan, Laurie, Greg, Gregoria, and Spank the
> Wonder Seal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, Mary Ellen's mother, once cleaned toilets for Jackie Onassis.  She
} died of  hepatitus-B  three  years ago.  Greg, Mary  Ellen's  boyfriend,
} vowed to avenge  Lisa's  senseless  death.  Adopting  the  Toilet-Buster
} identity, he spent several manic months  bombing the toilets of the rich
} and famous.  He is now receiving psychiatric care.
}
} Gregoria, became a trappist monk after her toilet was bombed by Greg who
} had mistaken her for Gregoria Gregorovich, the millioniare second cousin
} of Rasputin's  illegitimate  grandson.  This was ironic because Gregoria
} was in fact named after the  aforementioned  aristocrat  by her  English
} taxidermist  father who was  obsessed  with dead  members of the Czarist
} ruling class.
}
} Megan  presents  the  popular  "You bet Your Life" TV game show in which
} gullible  members of the populace eagerly lose their lives in pursuit of
} attractive  consumer  goods.  The show is,  coincidentally,  produced by
} Mary Ellen's estranged B&D plaything Laurie.
}
} The exploits of Spanky are infamous and need no explanation here.


171-02    (43201 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry...  the question was bad-done (Sorry for my English that is not
> very good), I'm mexican as you know...  so don't be angry oh marvelous
> -- oracle!!!  My question was about political and socio-economical
> future of the New Europe...  the Europe of '92

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Ah ha.  A question from one of our brothers to the south.  I shall
} answer in dialect, and establish a friendly rapport.]
}
} Hokay!  Qestion is good!  Show it does you a brain of good bigness have.
} Here for is answer of mine:
}
} The Qommunity Ecinomic of Europe in '92 will a very big socio-political
} entity be and really.  Much gasoline and politics.  Will want much get
} much.  Don't wanna gyp them, or fly to Paris cost million pesos and left
} testicle.  Easy to drive, and Autobahn can go really fast.  No place to
} eat, though and sauerbraten in all the crepes!  Chit man, all taste like
} cactus toast.  German wimmin, look like ugly grey iguana!  Heh, got
} world econimy by short hairs, man, but never gonna getta babe in Beauty
} contess.
}
} Chit, dat's all she wrote man.


171-03    (22231 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most omniscient, most wise, most understanding, most
> perceptive, (and most of all) most tasteful...Please, I beg of
> thee, Tell me (and the rest of English speaking civilization),
> - no offense Mom -
> WHO IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD?!!!!!!!!!!
> (It will help fulfill a filthy little pagan ritual I've prepared)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle's munificent being has seen women of great beauty
} in every corner of this planet. Any attemnpt to qualify this variegated
} assimilation of physical pulchritude with the ultimate superlatives,
} however, in an equitable, universal, and ABSOLUTE fashion is one
} fraught with many hazards. Beauty IS to the eye of the beholder.
}
}       Yet, the Oracular greatness is aware that you require an
} answer more specific than that to satisy your jejune (by now)
} palate for masturbatory fantasy.
}
}       The Oracle will, therefore, classify women according to
} pulchritudinal type:
}
}       1) Big-jaw, brassy model type - Carol Alt wins here, edging
} Kathy Ireland to second place.  She is married to the large, ugly, and
} now toothless goalkeeper for the New York Islanders who is also
} big-jawed.
}
}         2) Ethereal, delicate yet sexy model-type - Paulina Porizkova
} hands down.  Rick Ocasek of the Cars is, by virtue of being her husband,
} allowed to put HIS hands anywhere he wants.
}
}         3) Blond nymphet type - The Oracle nods towards Morgan Fairchild
} with more than just its head.
}
}         4) Smoldering, come-do-me type - Without a doubt starlet
} Madeleine Stowe.  Catch her in the movie 'Revenge'.  Better yet just
} catch her and mail her to the Oracle.
}
}         5) English rose type - A two-way tie here between Twiggy and the
} wife of the late, great Zeppelin drummer John Bonham, Jo.  This is why
} the sun never sets on the British empire - with women like that, God
} can't trust an Englishman in the dark.
}
}         6) Girlish nymph type - 19 year old Miss Universe 1990 - Miss
} Iceland.  She wants to be a nurse.  The Oracle wants to be sick.
}
}         7) Firm, tanned, athletic California type - Shawn Weatherly.
} She makes the final cut over the about two zillion others on Venice
} Beach because she knows how to spell.
}
}         8) Mature but still quite nailworthy type - Another tie between
} Kathleen Turner and Linda Evans.  They may be old enough to be your
} mother but at least you will see breast-feeding with in an exciting new
} perspective.
}
}         9) The down-home, clean-faced, Apple-pie but-she-can-still-blow-
} your-mind-and-balls type - Debra Winger.  Especially good for those
} Nun-type fantasies.
}
}         10) The gay men's type - Mom.  Need we say more?
}
}         11) The ball-and-chain type - Your present girlfriend who is 40
} pounds overweight, wears tight green polyester slacks, and has a face
} that would make a Hawaiian volcano erupt.  Were you on a love-jaunt in
} waikiki oh, about a month ago?
}
}         As far as that fantasy ritual goes
}                 a) Remove the white masking tape that holds your
}                 spectacles together.
}                 b) Better yet, get contacts.
}                 c) Get rid of the row of multicolor pens in your
}                 front shirt-pocket.
}                 d) Also dispense with the plastic pocket liner.
}                 e) Avoid apparell and accessories which hav tapering
}                 points - shirt collars, shoes, hats.
}                 f) Avoid patterned synthetic fabrics.
}                 g) Ritually incinerate all tirtyone pairs of
}                 suspenders.
}                 h)Do the same with your white-socks.
}                 i) Fall for the first woman you see.
}
}         If you follow the preceding elementary steps, she just might
} fall for you.  And (re:  type 11) we all know that love makes any woman
} beatiful.
}
}         The Oracle's magnificence has deemed that the ritual be a
} success.
}
}         You owe the Oracle Madeleine Stowe.


171-04    (04240 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got it!  Love makes the world go around, right?  Well, if it can
> do that, then surely it can make a generator go around!  This could be
> the safe and clean energy source for the 21st century!  It could save
> the planet!  The government can forget fusion and fund love research!
> I'm just wondering, though, how come nobody else ever thought of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a charmingly naive, winsomely daffy concept.  It's true that in
} certain laboratory tests, love has been observed to have some
} interesting piezoelectric effects, but the side effects alone -- not to
} mention the social outcries -- make it impracticable on any large scale.
}
} It's one thing to generate a little static electricity, usually about
} enough to make the panty hose flung over the end of the bed in a
} breathless moment of mad, passionate abandon stand up and dance the
} Carioca in time with the horizontal van de Graff tango being performed
} by the linen-entwined pair in question.  But consider the task at a
} global level, even if we could solve the polarization issues involved.
}
} To put things in perspective, research [Adams, _The Straight Dope_] has
} demonstrated that it requires approximately 15,876,000 pets on the
} average house cat to generate enough electrical current to light a
} 75-watt bulb for one second.  Recall that static electricity is best
} generated in a dry environment; now think back to the last time you were
} fortunate enough to slip the surly bonds of earth with the object of
} your tumescence and perform the conjugal act in the comfort and privacy
} of your own home (or a darkened subway car, as the case may be).  (If
} you haven't actually had such experience, ask your mother.) You'll no
} doubt recall that, at one orifice or another, things became rather
} moist, if not initially then eventually.  And depending on the
} prevailing climatic conditions, you might have found that your skin and
} that of the sweet young thing whose embraces you managed to procure for
} the moment became suffused, first with the ruddy glow of excitement and
} exertion, then with a gentle beading of perspiration.
}
} Getting the point?  Now of course, we haven't taken duration or stroke
} count into the equation, much less the actual calculation of the area of
} the friction surfaces involved.  But preliminary examination of this
} effect indicates that the combined amatory escapades of all the newlywed
} couples in Las Vegas and the Poconos would be barely adequate to provide
} -- to compare apples to apples -- enough electricity to run the average
} two-D-cell vibrator for nine and a half minutes.
}
} --Scott "My mistress' eyes are nothing like gallium arsenide" Fisher


171-05    (22420 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a net.god.who.does.bodily.harm.with.sharp.instruments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean Freddy?  Sure -- lives down in the furnace room.  Strange bird,
} that one:  always playing with his gloves and fedora, wears that putrid
} green and red sweater, and has these two pale little girls singing
} morbid nursery rhymes all the time.  Does have a nice car, though.


171-06    (21232 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey orac baby, there's a company using your name.
>
> What'cha gunna do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Invest heavily.


171-07    (03241 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do i keep pythagoras from finding me attractive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe if you arrange for him to have been dead for 4000 years.  Here,
} I'll take care of it for you.  Let's see, where's that universal fabric
} again?  ...
}
} <meddle futz tweak>
}
} There.  I fixed the universe so that he was an ancient greek
} mathematician, and he's been dead for so long he can't bother you.
} Nobody in the world remembers that he used to be a famous 20th century
} sociologist.  There does seem to be this odd side effect that now
} everybody thinks he invented Schvanschtuck's Theorem, but we can live
} with that, right?


171-08    (03430 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O-man,
>
> I am constantly worrying about the Oracularity vote.  I take the time to
> reply to each set of wisdom and vote carefully.  I consider both the
> question and the answer, although of course I give more importance to
> the answer as any goofball can enter a useful question.  I have a
> consistent strategy:  if I laugh right out loud, it gets a 5.  If I
> guffaw or smile, it's a 4.  If I like it, but it contains spelling
> errors or goofy references to things I don't know about, it gets a 3.
> If it contains totally lame humor, or un-original ideas from other
> oracularities, it's a 2.  If it contains no humor or wisdom whatsoever,
> and also contains spelling, grammatical, or factual errors, it gets a 1.
>
> But I worry, because I have been looking at the results from the rest of
> the net.  They don't match my results at all!  Here's what I've found:
> If the answer is long and contains a lot of confusing gibberish, it gets
> high marks.  I think those other net.readers give 5s to anything they
> don't understand, or that's long and unreadable.  Well, sometimes the
> short answers are better, aren't they?  If it contains references to
> Unix, or is any sort of simulated program or game, it scores well.  If
> it's even slightly obscene, it gets low marks.  The rest of the net must
> be populated by 25-year-old Catholic computer science grad school
> students.
>
> I'm worried that Kinzler will stop posting the pearls of wisdom that *I*
> enjoy.  What to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep asking, keep answering.  Enlightenment can be found through
} patience.  (That's Sun Tzu talking).
}
} I have a feeling that my acolyte ``THE Steve'' Kinzler (just like ``THE
} Donald'' Trump) will continue to include humor from all walks of life in
} the oracularity postings.  If he doesn't I'll fire him.
}
} Keep sending those suggestions...  (and I'll make sure that I won't send
} them on to /dev/null <-- ``required UNIX reference'').
}
} You owe the corlae and spell-checker.


171-09    (02314 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh amazing one, whose shit doesn't smell, tell me why ugly guys
> get pretty girls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A woman, clad in glow and mist,
} May seize complete attention.
} But notice that her man in tow
} Induces indigestion.
}
} Sensitive she is, and how,
} About her clothes and looks!
} She'll spend more time with comb and hair
} Than ever math and books.
}
} E'en so, my friend, she's quick to spot
} And snag with gracious ease
} A fellow with a pizza face,
} Beer gut, and knobby knees.
}
} You see, she knows, down deep inside,
} That this insipid chap
} Will knuckle under to her whims
} And always take the rap.
}
} A henpecked soul he'll ever be,
} A cringing beast of "yes, dear"s;
} He'll have no friends, no mind, no life,
} Just endless, anguished fears
}
} That someday she the truth with find,
} And leave her petty shell;
} She'll look at him, and then he'll have
} A snowball's chance in Hell.
}
} I wonder, though, why you would ask
} A point so close to home;
} Your nose a Himalayan peak
} Your voice a monotone.
}
} Danger!  Danger!  Run, young man!
} A bimbo comes a-calling;
} She's got her sights locked in on you!
} Egad!  That's so appalling.....
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding.


171-10    (10333 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who farts like a mighty hurricane, who has acne like unto
> the craters in the moon!  I have a big gap between my two front teeth.
> In fact, it looks like someone hit me in the face with an axe.  Can
> anything be done about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Far gap-toothed mortal, whose smile is like unto
} the cleavage of Lactomama, Goddess of The Truly Bodacious Ta-Ta's,
} YES, something can be done!  You can:
}
}       - make big bucks striping bark from redwoods
}
}       - become the gate at a new Epcot ride:  The Alimentary Canal
}
}       - do American Express TV commercials in front of Stonehenge
}         ("do you recognize me? I'm an ancient Celtic ruin.")
}
}       - become the official book-ends for the New York Public Library
}
}       - become a plow
}
}
} You owe the Oracle the structural specs for your braces.


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